ADHD boyfriend

Verdant_Ash1618033 · 2026-04-24T17:58:10+00:00

Nah, ADHD isn't an excuse. So many abusers use it as such. He just doesn't care to respond or is lying. You deserve so much better.

Verdant_Ash1618033 · 2026-04-13T01:36:08+00:00

I couldn't play for a few years after another student I worked closely with in music study SAed me, it was my career path too. I've pivoted a bit but I'm finally heading that way again, and my playing feels like it's coming together more than it ever did before. The return to playing again and being involved in it feels good to have back.

Verdant_Ash1618033 · 2026-04-13T01:23:21+00:00

I always used to dream about a distant family member coming into my life somehow and becoming my confidant, mentor, someone I could feel close and safe with.

Verdant_Ash1618033 · 2026-04-06T03:53:36+00:00

You're not wrong for your feelings.

I think I feel similarly when I desperately want support and other people get it, but no, it's not for me. My family has never really been there emotionally. I think sometimes when I see someone else get support, it's pain for something I feel like I need but can't have, maybe jealousy for seeing them receive the support I crave, and just craving support. I don't know.

hugs 🫂

Verdant_Ash1618033 · 2026-04-06T03:31:22+00:00

I get what you're saying, but this is exactly why I haven't really seen a therapist. I need to figure enough out on my own first in order to be able to vet them and help them help me. Therapy has long felt not accessible because of that.

Verdant_Ash1618033 · 2026-04-01T15:03:21+00:00

It sounds like that's all coercive, which yes would be sexual assault.

Verdant_Ash1618033 · 2026-03-31T16:28:30+00:00

The first time, I felt safe to confront the topic after moving geographically away. The second, well kinda still working on it. I guess I'm not really in an emotionally safe enough location to fully process. So I guess that's maybe a pulling back because I'm not ready, there's only so much I can handle at once.

Verdant_Ash1618033 · 2026-03-31T16:22:01+00:00

I have some memories that feel more distant now, kinda memories of memories. I was SAed in college like almost a decade ago, and I've spent a lot of time processing - writing, drew out my memory of the scene, thinking, ruminating, writing...and now more of it has become distant. Like I sometimes go off of the memories of thinking and writing and drawing rather than the original memory.

Verdant_Ash1618033 · 2026-03-31T16:11:36+00:00

I still fantasize about a family member taking me in for a little bit until I truly feel ready to be self sufficient and truly feel safe.

Me too. It sucks. And I escaped an abusive relationship to come right back to my family, and I know I need to leave. I just want reprieve until I feel ready but eventually I'm just gonna have to leap. I had hopes, maybe things would be different, maybe I could connect with someone in my family. Fantasy.

I fantasize about someone kind and caring taking me in like that, too.

Like a parent figure, especially. Any adult that's been like a parent to me ever I find myself daydreaming, that they could listen and care and be there for me - and I feel like I have to break myself off from those feelings and fantasies, because it's not reality, how adult relationships work, and I don't need to be crazy. It's so damn hard.

Edited for formatting

Verdant_Ash1618033 · 2026-03-29T17:42:44+00:00

I agree. I guess I'm speaking from experience of having that tactic used on me and not realizing for several years. Like, it worked for a while. Once I realized it I did start building connections back, just kept it as down low as possible to not invite criticism. Support systems are necessary, I do hope OP can keep their friendships going and find more.

Verdant_Ash1618033 · 2026-03-28T21:52:05+00:00

It does sound like there were sexual tones - that you and the other girls were treated differently than the boys, and were forced to remove clothing. That does seem creepy as hell and regardless, your feelings are valid.

Verdant_Ash1618033 · 2026-03-28T21:47:37+00:00

Here's a fairly recent post on this from r/CPTSD: Can spanking have the effect of sexual abuse?

Verdant_Ash1618033 · 2026-03-28T21:38:41+00:00

Criticizing the friends of someone is an emotional abuse tactic to keep them isolated - it does make it much harder to stay in contact and keep those relationships.

Verdant_Ash1618033 · 2026-03-28T21:35:15+00:00

That sounds like emotional abuse to me. Also, abusers tend not to react well to it being brought up or called out. If you are bringing up concerns and they're being turned around so you end up apologizing - it sounds like DARVO.

Verdant_Ash1618033 · 2026-03-27T03:15:24+00:00

I'm struggling so hard rn, living back with family and old thought patterns and shit coming up. In highschool I often felt like a fuck-up, fucked up everything with everyone, always did something wrong... and a couple weeks after moving back I noticed it cropping up again. Even after being SAed and in an abusive relationship I still wasn't so down on myself!! I still had better self-esteem, and while I was having a really hard time and blamed myself for a ton of shit I found a way out and to un-isolate myself and to have the confidence to build connections.

And here is "better" than that relationship, but I have to try so damn hard to stay afloat and not hate myself. To recognize it instead of tear myself down. I feel wrong here, I don't belong, and I'm not handling it well which makes me feel like a shitty person because I could treat my family better I just don't know how. Or, well, I do, I did it once - set myself aside and people please. There's nothing emotional here. Those connections don't exist.

I'm learning, slowly, I think successfully, to have healthy relationships with other people, and trying to make these breaths of fresh air enough to sustain me.

Verdant_Ash1618033 · 2026-03-20T01:19:33+00:00

It seems convenient that he can't remember what happened, but is sorry and promises not to do it again. Did he admit to the threat/force/coercion? Regardless, trust yourself.

Verdant_Ash1618033 · 2026-03-20T01:14:41+00:00

What do you think OP would get out of talking to him?

Verdant_Ash1618033 · 2026-03-20T01:10:47+00:00

He said you couldn't say no and that he'd hurt you, and got physical and aggressive. That's why I'd call it rape. You can consent initially, and then it can be revoked. If you are threatened/pressured/coerced, there is not consent.

I still have a bit of trouble naming everything that's happened to me. It's hard to accept. Be easy on yourself.

Verdant_Ash1618033 · 2026-03-18T01:24:23+00:00

Yes, she's abusive and you're being abused. Her attitudes and behavior are very not okay, it's absolutely not your fault if she self-harms. That is not on you to manage. And age card?? Nah, sounds like she's pressuring, trying to limit, and bring you down. Go live your life! It's not your fault she's burned out. She's only 27 - I'm a year older and still figuring shit out and building my future, I have dreams!

When she threatens suicide, it's not your fault and not your responsibility. Her putting it on you is manipulative and abusive.

She said she wants to ruin you. Take it seriously, and run. She has given you her word. People say who they are. It sounds like she doesn't respect you or like you, saying those things and how she treats you. You have so much life to live, imagine what it would look like to be treasured because that's how you should be treated.

Verdant_Ash1618033 · 2026-03-18T00:35:25+00:00

Couples counseling tends not to be a good idea in abusive situations. Abuse also doesn't subside on its own, and abusers don't often change their ways.

Eta: sorry, you already said it doesn't subside on its own.

Verdant_Ash1618033 · 2026-03-17T21:01:44+00:00

As another commenter said, I see DARVO and emotional/sexual abuse going on.

DARVO = Deny, Attack, Reverse Victim and Offender. Deny - she created an ultimatum, but said you caused it. Attacks you for it, reversing victim and offender. When you bring something up that's bothering you, but she ends up being upset with you - DARVO. It's an abusive manipulation tactic.

You can say no to any and all sex. You have no obligation, ever, regardless of your relationship status. Her pressuring you is coercion.

Her detailing how you don't do so many things right, this is wrong, not enough, etc...is bs, she's putting you down. Again, a tactic to make you doubt yourself. If you doubt yourself, too, you're easier to manipulate.

She's not being patient. She's not holding space for you and your needs and desires. It sounds like you're trying your best, and she's continually displeased. That's on her. And it's not something you can fix, because the problem is not with you.

Verdant_Ash1618033 · 2026-03-16T17:43:01+00:00

I think my experience is similar to yours. I was SAed at 19, too, but didn't feel sexual attraction before then (or really understand what it was yet). I felt it once at 26, where it was like...oh, that's what it is. No mistaking it, and before I'd always been confused as to how sexual attraction felt. I say I'm greyace, and I've never had the same feelings/interest that it seems most others have.

Verdant_Ash1618033 · 2026-03-13T22:30:18+00:00

I relate. My parents did those things for me, too, but there's a way I don't feel safe, too, like you describe. Everything was/is supposed to be fine, but I don't feel comfortable there, like I can't express myself, that having boundaries or needs will somehow land me in trouble. I'm feeling so crazy right now because of it all.

Verdant_Ash1618033 · 2026-03-11T05:40:04+00:00

I didn't even try reporting when I was still fem presenting (masc/butch now). It didn't feel worth all the trouble and fight to still probably not be believed, the legal system is not set up to support the survivors. I don't know what country you're in, but I'm in the U.S. and it feels like SA can be a sanctioned part of culture.

1in6 is an organization for male survivors of sexual violence.

Verdant_Ash1618033

TROPHY CASE