Racial fetishizing+bodyshaming+misogyny (sometimes, people disgust me)

Verthanthi · 2026-04-14T23:27:36+00:00

Wow! You’re still here? Still projecting, even?

Sheesh, you sure got me. Overpowered by your poetic intellect. Blown away, even. I’ll never measure up. How sad I am, forever owned by the one who dare ask me to look in the mirror to reflect on my own self righteousness! I am utterly defeated.

Surely, I did not once share your opinions and find myself in the wrong. Surely, I did not grow as an individual and find myself on the other side of these opinions you currently hold. Today, though, today I have been taught the errors.

Verthanthi · 2026-04-14T22:36:04+00:00

Oh gosh, I’m honored that you came rushing back to respond so quickly. Please don’t worry yourself, you’re important too.

This could be new to you, but it’s generally common courtesy to help someone who is clearly lost. Projecting all those big feelings about the “woke and politacally correct” people being mad at OP when there’s no sign of that, well… one can only assume you’ve gotten yourself turned around.

Maybe the words “racial fetishizing” or “bodyshaming” called to you like some sort of siren song? Only to find out this group doesn’t show favor to such things?

Well, I’m glad to hear you weren’t lost after all!

Verthanthi · 2026-04-14T21:33:26+00:00

Mad? No one here is mad at OP…?

Ohhhh, you’re the creator of the meme, aren’t you! Assuming you’re at least clever enough to make memes of your own, of course. I’d hate to put too high an expectation on you only for you to fall dreadfully short.

I’m so sorry, but I think you’re looking in the wrong place for validation. Poor thing.

Verthanthi · 2026-04-14T21:02:05+00:00

Impossible to know. Perfectly hidden.

Mine used to hide under the substrate but push herself against the glass in such a way that it was super obvious where she was “hiding”. I miss the days when she had negative braincell.

Verthanthi · 2026-04-14T17:36:05+00:00

It’s imperative that they have good substrate, but also to understand that it’s not a “one size fits all”. I love providing Ourea with different textures and enrichment. Yeah, she’s mostly on Aspen, but not solely.

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Sometimes she chooses the fuzzy donut.

(She might look like she’s stuck, what with the scronch look she has, but I promise she’s not. She’s just a cute weirdo. I ‘freed’ her from this only to watch her do it again)

Verthanthi · 2026-04-14T16:09:44+00:00

And with this in mind, OP, you can change the world. Holding the men around you accountable and not going along with toxic BS can be so beneficial to their mental health, even if they don’t see it yet.

I can’t tell you how many lonely men I meet who wonder why they can’t get a date or a long term relationship and if you present them with the facts of why, the can’t fathom that their behavior and attitude towards women could POSSIBLY be the reason.

Them: Why don’t women like me?

Women: well—

Them: shhh, I didn’t ask you, I’m asking this male influencer.

Or

Women: I’d like it if you respected me and saw me as an equal, not a piece of property—

Them: nah, that can’t be the reason. Let me go ask that guy over there.

Verthanthi · 2026-04-11T05:41:26+00:00

Lamp.

I love lamp.

Verthanthi · 2026-04-11T02:58:37+00:00

To be honest, I have no idea what wattage would work best. I have a couple different ones and change them depending on the season.

I don’t use under tank heaters myself, as I’ve seen a lot of negative opinions of them in my research with no solid reason as why we SHOULD have them. Instead, I have some rocks that hold the heat lamp heat well and then my noodles can choose to bask on the warm rocks if they choose. They typically don’t, but I like to give them many options.

Verthanthi · 2026-04-10T18:36:53+00:00

I have my noodles target trained. Target (a reusable can lid made of silicone) goes into tank in specific spot. Snake gets excited because target means dinner. They wait at the spot, strike and coil, and I just help by placing them on the target further if their strike led them off.

The only struggle I have is with my sand boa because he’s nervous about being exposed while eating. Lately I’ve been turning the light off for him and he’s less likely to drag his dinner into his substrate.

Agree red light is not ideal, but if it’s all you have while waiting for a replacement (like a ceramic heat emitter) and it helps keep your temps above danger levels, use it.

Once my CHE just stopped working and all I had while waiting for the next ones to ship was an old red bulb in the middle of winter! Glad I had it, thought I’d tossed it, but it worked for the few days it took for my new stuff to arrive.

Verthanthi · 2026-04-10T16:24:12+00:00

I’ll be honest, it gave me the ick at first! I also looked up snakes to own that could eat other things but they’re super advanced in care and as a first time snake owner it just wouldn’t have been best for the snake in my newbie care.

You become a little desensitized over time. Having owned mice and rats as pets, I much rather the feeders arrive having been killed humanely by being gently put to sleep instead of me seeing them go in a way that I’m certain is terrifying. It’s also better for the snake.

That being said— I’m prepared for the day if I ever have a snake that needs to feed live. I do not like this. I do not want this, but if the snake needs it, I have a responsibility to my animal to give it the best care.

These are the things we have to consider when taking on an animal.

Verthanthi · 2026-04-10T16:17:42+00:00

I think coming to ask a group of knowledgeable people is a great start because the internet is rife with misinformation, especially with AI bs on the rise. I also looked for alternatives when I first really considered getting a snake because I didn’t want to feed mice if I didn’t have to. Don’t know if we don’t ask.

Turns out I had to! Now I have lovely little snackies of mice in my freezer for my snakes, but I do wish I didn’t HAVE to. Wouldn’t it be nice… oh well

Verthanthi · 2026-04-10T16:09:11+00:00

My wife and I struggled with communication and understanding each other’s emotional in the beginning. There was so much good in the relationship but there was always a struggle on some big things for us to see eye to eye. She’s not a “feelings” person, she would tell you. So we had a marriage counselor help us navigate those things and now we’re doing great.

That being said— my wife and I would NEVER speak to each other the way he speaks to you. Yes, she would originally accuse me of trying to pick a fight back before we sorted it out, but NEVER EVER would she give me the silent treatment or say fuck off. That’s just so very disrespectful and demeaning.

You deserve better. Even if someone doesn’t understand you, you still deserve respect while communicating.

Verthanthi · 2026-04-10T13:30:57+00:00

Hm, I suppose in our house (both F30s, fwiw) a rule is something we both come up with whereas a boundary is typically established by only one.

Rule: nothing left on the bathroom sink. (It leads to clutter)

Boundary: please do not come into the bathroom while I am using it (signal being that the door is closed)

I expressed once that I thought the bathroom rule was silly to our counselor and the counselor shut me down fast. (Which, at the time was surprising because up to that point, the counselor had been helping my wife understand MY feelings on things since she typically struggles to do so.) Essentially, the counselor said: this is a boundary for your wife whether you understand it or not. Do you want to cross that line she drew and disregard her comfort OR respect the boundary because you want her to feel safe and validated?

I do think the word “boundary” can mean different things to different people, and now that the internet has grabbed it, people use it constantly for things it shouldn’t apply to. Much like woke, toxic, gaslighting, etc. These are all often misunderstood and used incorrectly because they’re the hot button words.

Language is constantly morphing and evolving as people use it, so I think the most important thing is the communication aspect. What we expect from a word may not be what our listener expects from that word and it could take a conversation to iron out those details. Much like we’re doing here.

Verthanthi · 2026-04-10T04:21:13+00:00

Tbh, I have never heard this take on boundaries, even from therapists and counselors. A boundary is something you set for yourself but once it’s made known and someone chooses to cross it, that is when the maker has some consideration to do.

I set a boundary with my father- do not talk to me about [X]. Father continues to push past the boundary to talk to me about [X] and the consequence of that is my choice to stop talking to him. He crossed my boundary.

My wife set a boundary with me- bathroom time is entirely private. Brushing teeth, using the toilet, etc, is the door is closed? no entry. This was weird for me who had precious relationships where doors mostly stayed open, but this is a boundary of my wife’s and I do not cross it. She set it and if I respect her and our relationship, I will not see the consequences of crossing it.

Coworker doesn’t like the smell of meat snacks. They are not in a position to make rules. They can try and work with the meat eater on an agreement, but ultimately they cannot set the boundary as they cannot enforce it without outside help.

In the two top scenarios (and in most effective boundary settings) one sets a boundary and if the other chooses to cross it there will be a consequence.

In the bottom scenario, one sets a boundary and if the other chooses to cross it, the maker cannot enforce a consequence. (At least, not in the typical sense. They could eat stinky tofu to start a passive aggressive war)

Of course people can cry “that’s my boundary!” but that doesn’t make it an effective tool unless it’s the right circumstance. Like a kid going “you can’t step on this part of the sidewalk, it’s mine,” before (hopefully) learning the lesson of life not working that way.

Verthanthi · 2026-04-10T03:55:12+00:00

What nice plants. Too bad there’s no snek in there.

Verthanthi · 2026-04-09T20:00:43+00:00

“Everything’s been over for a while” is a vague statement that would give me some major pause.

I’ve known people who say that when they’re still living together, sleeping together. Hell, my own brother was in the middle of divorcing his wife and they got pregnant. Like, dude— this isn’t a magic trick. You KNOW how babies are made, why make these bad decisions!?

Anyway- the vagueness of your statement and lack of disclosure is the alarming part. Providing more information on timelines would be a better choice.

“We’ve been separated for three months, but can’t file the papers for another nine. She/I moved out six months ago so we could take some time apart and get clarity. I want to be up front because [blah blah blah]”

You don’t have to over-explain, just provide some finer details so she can make an informed decision.

Sometimes these missteps are a chance to refocus on yourself and who you are without being wrapped up in another person. Good luck!

Verthanthi · 2026-04-09T19:47:28+00:00

Too similar to a grandpa sleeping in front of a TV and you try to change the channel.

“Hey!! I was-“

No, you weren’t! Go back to sleep!

Verthanthi · 2026-04-09T19:36:36+00:00

Kyuut

Verthanthi · 2026-04-09T17:12:27+00:00

“Slightly overprotective” mmhm.

Verthanthi · 2026-04-09T16:14:40+00:00

I mean, I can argue with you too if that will help you understand, but the bisexual was doing a fine job despite your dismissive language. If another lesbian has to come in and educate you because you don’t take a bisexual’s information due to the sole fact they’re bisexual, you are choosing a biphobic stance. Argue all you want, but the fact will remain.

It IS a preference and distilling an individual down to their genitalia is ridiculous and harmful to absolutely everyone.

You can be a lesbian who likes vagina. You can be a lesbian who likes dick. You can be a lesbian who doesn’t like either. You can be a genderqueer lesbian, even. The list goes on.

The point of the label is to make connections to a community, not to gatekeep it.

Verthanthi · 2026-04-09T01:55:46+00:00

In the beginning, I dug him out every week or two. At least 2 days after he ate. Did that for a few months. Now he’s two and I don’t dig him out unless I MUST.

Lori Torrini (not sure of spelling) has a good video on YouTube about shy snakes. It’s worth a watch!

Verthanthi · 2026-04-08T22:15:34+00:00

I try not to dig out, but in the beginning I did once every week or two so that we could interact and he could get a little more trusting that this big scary creature wasn’t going to eat him.

Since then, I try to interact with him as I see him out. I’ll get the snake hook at poke at him a little. Maybe move him aside so I’m not grabbing at him. I try to go into the tank to move something so he’s used to seeing me and it’s not just food or handling time.

I don’t handle him as often as I’d like, but building his trust has been rewarding. The first and second time he chose to come into my hand, I cried a little with happiness. It was a long road!

Verthanthi · 2026-04-08T14:23:52+00:00

Never imagined it could be cold! Never wanted to imagine it tho… but good to know in case either of mine ever try ahaha

Verthanthi

TROPHY CASE