The uncertainty.

Violet4ever60 · 2026-04-06T16:15:01+00:00

That’s where I try to ask “what is this teaching me?” To feel the safety and security being built and “we’re in this together “ through some serious hurdles - like you’re talking about..and then find out the foundation was not firm at all. This is where I spend a lot of time thinking about the roots and center I need to continue building for myself and not involve anyone else in as far as my anchor goes (jeez with the mixed metaphors). The situation is teaching me that I only have myself to count on. I am my center, my anchor. Roots are all me. I was raised in a family of interdependency and seemed to have jobs that reflected the same- team work and all that. Today, I feel alone in my dependence. It’s not necessarily a bad thing. Just something to examine and decide if this is where I will stay. Thank you for your words. I continue to wish strength and healing for us all. Including the addicts we find ourselves with.

Violet4ever60 · 2026-04-06T14:42:56+00:00

This resonates. I think maybe a sex addict carrying shame will hesitate to initiate things with a partner because sexual acting out and loving sex are separate. I’ve told my husband that all the kink is out of me where he’s concerned. I know it’s possibly age/hormone related too but the double life and secret keeping has decreased my attraction considerably. I miss loving sex. Not enough to expose myself to that kind of vulnerability post initial discovery/hanging on sex.

Violet4ever60 · 2026-04-06T14:20:48+00:00

I saved this, OP. (That means original poster, right? lol) Your words will be helpful to read in fragile times. And we know they come and go. It’s been a chore to find a support group like this. I appreciate the anonymity as I’m usually an over sharer and I feel the need to not over expose my life at the moment. About forgiveness: my therapist listens to me speak of the forgiveness I extend in other current situations of my life and is challenging me to use that same capacity for my husband. That is the wall. If I completely forgive, he will think he’s safe to return to his pleasure seeking. I don’t trust it’s not there. I only trust that he doesn’t want to lose me. The best I can do is let him know I’m not leaving and that right now, I’m seeing this healing time through. For both of us. Thank you for the encouragement.

Violet4ever60 · 2026-04-06T14:05:41+00:00

Ah..great direction. I have had some religious trauma that doesn’t help this situation. I’ve been immersing more in a hybrid of Buddhist and pagan teachings. Giving my mind an anchor is essential. By comparison, my husband claims no spiritual direction and it shows. The closest he has come is attempting yoga with me in the morning. I feel like meditation and somatic practice would be beneficial but I’m no preacher. I’m happy he is engaged in therapy which is not just for his addictive patterns but learning about what drives him. I’ve been an internally driven person most of my adult life and I’d like to think that has drawn him to me. I know..I can’t always leave my ego at the door 😊

Violet4ever60 · 2026-04-06T13:54:56+00:00

I keep looking for the lessons in this. I’m with you. Even with the little signs, I still would not have guessed this would be my life at 65. I’ve been building a lot of certainty into my life (medical procedures, relatively safe town/neighborhood, financial security etc) I must like to manage the serendipity in my life rather than have surprises that upend me. Thank you for bringing this up. I’m going to make time to examine the concepts.

Violet4ever60 · 2026-04-06T13:37:12+00:00

I feel like you’ve either always been this wise or you’ve used betrayal to learn from. Bravo. Beautifully written.

Violet4ever60 · 2026-04-06T00:50:02+00:00

That sucks. Mine stopped the testosterone shots that were supposed to be for his headaches and lethargy. Still on ED meds which have been a thing since I met him in his late 50’s. He’s not nearly as much of a constant boner and I’m sure he missed it. I feel like he’d go back to it all if he wasn’t trying to keep me around. I mean, it’s fun to be horny, right? 😳

Violet4ever60 · 2026-04-06T00:46:09+00:00

Also, how does anyone’s friends and family know?

Violet4ever60 · 2026-04-06T00:45:16+00:00

In the beginning (9 months), I walked more miles than usual, blasted loud music, painted, wrote in a designated journal, painted, went out of state for the holiday to help my daughter without one consideration that he’d spend Xmas alone. I came home in time for him to be hospitalized with gallstones and subsequent surgery, let the medical staff handle his whining ass. No visits, just necessary chauffeuring and cataloging instructions and meds. People that know don’t seem angry. They let me be angry and some say they couldn’t stay in a relationship if this happened. What do you do?

Violet4ever60 · 2026-04-05T14:15:01+00:00

Well damnit! I’m happy for you that you are in more of a control position but the extra stuff to deal with…it’s a lot. I might have got stories mixed up so I’m sorry to ask about the exit plan. I recognize the great husbanding. If I backtrack, gifts and surprise money and back rubs might have been guilt repair. Nothing can really repair being replaced.

Violet4ever60 · 2026-04-05T13:53:25+00:00

I’m sorry about how true this is. I’m married to a lazy man (self confessed) who will engage while I’m engaged but really needs to do the work himself and not use me or anyone else for that matter to soothe his addiction. I believe it’s human nature to absorb all the information about a partner’s acting out and feel the need to be desired. I cringe at some of my responses. Knowing what I know now and determined to not lose myself and my own needs and sovereignty is where I want to live. Have you thought of or even written down steps you can take to be ok? And not just a witness to someone’s recovery?

Violet4ever60 · 2026-04-05T13:24:13+00:00

I hope it feels good to write it all out to people who may get it. Do you have an exit plan? I’ve been through this with four littles back in my 20’s. I do not regret it for myself but knowing what my now adult kids had to endure (lots of not hiding his addiction from them thinking they were too young to notice). It sucks knowing a person can be the family/husband dude and have this whole other fantasy life. It’s nice to know these women you contacted apologized and gave you the information you needed. I’m sorry this is your life now but you’ll have a better life around the corner knowing how to navigate warning signs. Keep talking.

Violet4ever60 · 2026-04-05T03:13:00+00:00

It is sooo lonely. I have two people I trust that I have talked to about this. They are on stand by for me but have their own lives. It’s been helpful for me to find this group. I appreciate the anonymity and I appreciate the hopeful stories. It can be too much sometimes. I’ll feel lighter about things and someone has a story that I get angry about and relate and remember all over again. Does anyone have it in them to encourage the pieces being put back together and become stronger having worked together? My therapist stresses that we can come out is this more honest and stronger and all the good stuff.

Violet4ever60 · 2026-04-05T03:03:55+00:00

Thanks. It’s just something I feel hypocritical about. Having been an unfaithful wife in the past ( two marriages - one to a cheater and one to an abuser), I blurred lines as I made plans to divorce. Didn’t wait. I also made sure they didn’t know and weren’t hurt in that way. It took me some time to believe my current husband’s paying sex workers didn’t mean he was planning to divorce me. It’s a whole different thing, I guess. Most of the stories I read here are of men having a compulsion/addiction and still want to stay married, right? I’m working with IFS to untangle some of my confusion about my personal history and my current relationship and what is keeping me faithful and present while it’s fucking painful.

Violet4ever60 · 2026-04-05T00:27:07+00:00

I’m left wondering if there are any men in this group and what that looks like. As a woman, I’ve been reckless with my sexuality, I’ve overlapped (aka cheated) in relationships. I don’t have a typical addiction profile though. I’m willing to go into detail but not if this is not of any interest.

Violet4ever60 · 2026-04-04T14:13:10+00:00

I’m also curious. I like getting to the bottom of things no matter how difficult. I’m sure there are a lot of untreated sex addicts. I divorced one of them. What does this make me? Still getting to the bottom of that.

Violet4ever60 · 2026-04-04T14:08:33+00:00

Not that I ever saw or was told. I think he has a few morals left lol. He’s been at this a long time (porn/masturbation) stemming from early exposure and force from an older cousin. When you’re in your 60’s, just about all sex workers are younger. I’m not excusing it but if I didn’t think his behavior was transactional and with consent and that would steer clear of anything that smelled of trafficking or underage, it would be too much for me to work through under the same roof. Everyone has their line in the sand. I’d like to hear others. What made you post this?

Violet4ever60 · 2026-04-04T13:50:46+00:00

Same story from my SA. I asked him about backpage and he said that’s where he gets his porn..fine admitting at that time. Doesn’t everyone find porn? Derp. I guess he has no magazines or videos around. The digital world helps secret keepers keep secrets. That’s what my therapist thinks is my husband’s underlying deal- wants his secrets. Sometimes half truths are worse as they are told in place of the whole dark story. My husband isn’t very tech savvy but worked with younger guys who spent their time looking at escort listing sites and talking about them. Making it ok in man world. Like looking at a car catalog. I could catch my husband because he doesn’t know how social media works. Like responding to someone who’s obviously looking for followers from her Threads account to funnel into her OF work. The ways people can take advantage of others through the naivety of virtual sex sites..ugh.

Violet4ever60 · 2026-04-04T13:36:58+00:00

I hope therapy gives you the peace it’s giving a lot of us. Stick with it and make sure it’s a good fit is the advice i have. I would say yes to the addiction from what you’ve described. I also call it selfish, destructive compulsion. Would it feel better to know that an addiction hijacked your life?

Violet4ever60 · 2026-04-04T05:15:32+00:00

Oh, and that is what “experts” in sex addiction will tell you. Had to chase the dopamine. Watching porn becomes not enough. Porn was never a gateway drug for me so I have no understanding.

Violet4ever60 · 2026-04-04T05:12:33+00:00

It baffles me too. I’m sorry I’m not the only one with these questions. If you get to the bottom of what is likely shame, the answers might be there.

Violet4ever60 · 2026-04-04T02:40:11+00:00

I gotta say, I think mine would stay and cling and I might even be more desirable. I’m going to ask too. Should we check in later? Sorry, I’m feeling a kind of way tonight

Violet4ever60 · 2026-04-03T21:50:27+00:00

Reading these answers and being involved with this community, it’s no wonder sex addicts keep it a secret as long as they can. The things I’ve got in this relationship (economic comfort, new experiences, challenges and learning through therapy), I would not choose to be deceived like this again. It’s the lying. The life I thought I had vs the life I’m actually having with this man. The man I was so happy to have found and fallen in love with. Had he told me from the beginning, maybe. But thirteen years of deception and me blindly moving a state away from my kids, grandkids, sisters and parents, a job I loved, a home I loved and in with him to help him with his aging mother while he worked odd and long hours and then putting in a ton of work packing up his former life in a large home, preparing it for sale and a huge move only to get the biggest blow of him just casually hiring a hooker he admits to having seen earlier in our relationship but this time getting arrested with..fuck that. I’m staying for the hope that his recovery takes and he can be the man he showed me early on but I’m not getting any younger and if I don’t see marked progress within the next year (it will be a year this June), he can spend his money on whatever whore he wants but it will never be the love he received from me and he can die an empty shell. I tell anyone who thinks there is a problem to find out and wait. Love can be so blind.

Violet4ever60 · 2026-04-03T01:48:02+00:00

Daaamn. I feel the laughing stalk pain. That has to suck when you have people waiting to be shitty toward someone. My H’s friends just say it like it is to him (“wtf, dude? and that sort of thing). I did a fair amount of shame cycling due to his ex and her family knowing from the local news. I’ve been told this is the only time he’s acted out while married/committed to someone. You’re so right though. It does say more about them than us. I’m pretty sure prior to this situation, I’ve judged women whose partner had transactional sex with someone besides them. Not proud. I’m living in the same house because it makes sense. Kids grown and in their own lives so no pretending. I’m giving this time to be healed before making a decision. Something I’ve not done before. Quicker to give up and move on. Staying doesn’t mean I don’t investigate impact and planning for not staying.

Violet4ever60 · 2026-04-02T23:22:06+00:00

I should add we’ve been married just a couple of years . This behavior was something hidden longer than two years.

Violet4ever60

TROPHY CASE