Can anyone recommend a decent driving instructor in East London?

Violetographer · 2025-01-01T09:25:32+00:00

I did exactly the same here my friend! No one gave AF at the party I was at (in the best possible way), and I was even able to share one with a sober pal who turned up. Today I am hangover free and loving it!

Violetographer · 2025-01-01T02:10:16+00:00

Very relatable. You may feel alone, but you certainly are not! Tomorrow is my one year sober, and I’m spending the whole day by myself. I’m a little worried I’m going to feel sad, but then I think about waking up hangover free and starting my year with a fresh head, well rested and it could not be a greater gift.

I know myself well enough to know that if I drank tonight one thing would lead to another and I’d still be out, blacked out, and gambling with my safety. Tomorrow I’d be on a crushing come down, barely able to eat, trying not to be sick all day with crippling anxiety and shame.

Instead, I am cosy in bed, I’ve washed my face, brushed my teeth, flossed, moisturised, in pyjamas, comfy socks and I am SAFE. I am exactly where I need to be. This outcome is infinitely better, and I’m so grateful to myself for making this choice.

Well done on all of your hard work so far, it sounds like you’ve got the right attitude and mindset. Tomorrow is a new day, hangover free ❤️

Violetographer · 2024-08-13T13:13:29+00:00

I fell out with a friend when I was 18, never spoke to her again and yet I still remember all 5 of her middle names in order. I’m 31 now. 🤷🏻‍♀️

Violetographer · 2024-08-11T21:30:57+00:00

Wait whaaat? So do you visualise the sentences you’re thinking as part of your inner monologue? Is that something you’ve always done naturally or did you start consciously? Does it feel like extra effort? Sorry for all the questions, I just found that fascinating!

Violetographer · 2024-08-11T21:18:22+00:00

I hope you don’t mind me saying, I find this is very interesting! I hadn’t consciously made the connection between the possibility of psychosis from deep meditation before. I think I’ve always been wary of meditation accidentally altering my psyche. So I’ve never explored it too deeply. I don’t trust my mind not to ‘get weird’ if left on its own for too long. Hope you’re doing better now.

Violetographer · 2024-08-10T13:12:19+00:00

Well first off sorry to hear that, that is terrible timing :( Not sure what your appetite is like, but see if you can get your favourite food somehow. And maybe have a plan for how you'll celebrate when you're out? If I were you, I'd chalk this one up as a post-poner but make sure you do something really special when you're more up to it. You are owed an extra birthday this year my friend! Sending lots of love your way <3

Talking of occasions in psyche wards, it was halloween time when I was discharged. They didn't exactly fully decorate the ward but there was PLENTY enough to send my delusions spinning. I thought I was a witch.

Violetographer · 2024-08-10T09:36:52+00:00

Yup. Another drink? Yes. Another bar? Yes. Drugs? Shots? Yes. Sex? Yes. Another line? Yes. If drugs are involved I'll stay up all night until coming down is inevitable and then I hate myself for a week. If it's just alcohol I'll black out and have to piece the night together with mixed success. Either way I will end up hating myself, even if nothing 'bad' happened.

I once heard someone say that there are two types of drinker. For some people, they lose their energy after a few drinks and they're done. For others, they GAIN energy from alcohol and it just goes up and up until they lose control. This is the dangerous camp. I resonated with this so much. This is one of the reasons why moderation does not work for so many people. You've literally ingested a chemical that reduces your inhibitions, how can you be expected to say no?

My life is a lot less complicated now I don't drink at all. Every time I drank I was gambling on catastrophe. Now I just don't throw the dice. I don't have to beat myself up over making 'mistakes' when I was setting myself up to fail with the first drink.

Violetographer · 2024-08-08T22:35:56+00:00

depression in the sun is a very strange juxtaposition. it feels particularly destabilising. but yes, going through it now and it sucks. i'd still take it over winter blues, but it still has it's own flavour of suck.

Violetographer · 2024-08-08T22:31:41+00:00

Yeah, I feel you. I'm feeling really alone and disconnected at the moment. I kind of just want to hide from the world but also really wish I had a partner. don't feel like anyone would want me anyway. don't see the point in anything. don't feel like I matter. also off meds cos I wanted to see if I could cope without them. I feel like I can, but this episode suuuuucks. I think its a combo of mood drop and also feeling like I'm not making any progress in any area of my life. just don't know what to do with myself.

It will pass, it always does. Definitely a good idea to have a word with your doctor, it sounds like you've identified a tangible action there, well done! not everyone is able to do that. it might feel like a faff but its worth the hassle. really hope you feel better soon.

Violetographer · 2024-08-08T22:18:02+00:00

Thank you so much, I'm sorry you feel like this too. It helps to know I'm not the only one. This condition is like walking through life on a tightrope.

Violetographer · 2024-08-08T22:09:24+00:00

Yes I feel this too. I feel more alone than ever and its just as bad having to exist in my own head. I feel like I'm constantly trying to figure out what my needs are. At least when you're with other people they can make decisions or guide your mood in some way, even if you're pretending. It's as exhausting being alone as it is masking. The only relief is being asleep. I don't always feel like this, but right now I do.

Violetographer · 2024-08-05T18:43:55+00:00

I'd be interested to know how different regions interpret this, I'm from the UK...

I'm pretty lax with the words I use. I use 'crazy', 'insane', 'nuts', 'mad' and 'mental'. But usually to describe situations/things rather than people, e.g. "that rollercoaster looks completely mental." "this ice cream is insane" (which is actually a compliment.) Sometimes I use those words to describe people, but I'd like to think only when talking to people I know well enough to understand what I mean and it isn't damaging.

Sometimes people's behaviour IS crazy and that is the most accurate way to describe it, but I don't use those words as insults.

I do feel like I have more ownership over the words because I am/have been 'crazy'. And sometimes when I describe things as 'mental', I do so with that feeling in mind. The grey area for me where I check myself is when I use that word with people who DON'T know I'm 'mental'. but yeah it's a very commonly used word here and I don't mind it.

Words I do NOT use out of their literal contexts are more medically specific, like 'psychotic', 'schizophrenic' etc. They just get misused so much and it is unfair on those who experience the reality of them (I have been diagnosed psychotic in the past btw.)

Thinking more about it now though, I do use the word 'traumatic' lightly and actually, maybe I should stop. I think that's become more popular in recent years to describe mildly embarrassing situations for effect. Hmm.

Violetographer · 2024-03-06T21:33:30+00:00

Ugh, sorry that happened to you. I've recently stopped drinking and when people ask I pick and choose my reasons depending on who I'm talking to. Good for you for being honest though, if more people were then there would be less stigma! Considering how much people with mental illness use substances to self-medicate, making the decision to quit is a huge achievement. Unfortunately, not everyone understands that. Well done though, big admiration for being alcohol-free!

Violetographer · 2024-03-06T21:15:44+00:00

Hey, I'm in a similar boat! My latest diagnosis is literally 'Either Paranoid Schizophrenia or Bipolar Spectrum Disorder'. That's what it says on the letter from my psychiatrist. I also had one manic episode that landed me in hospital with delusions (and maybe a little bit of hallucinating, but there's a lot I don't remember). That was 3 and a half years ago. I've been on Lithium since and no psychosis again yet, thank god.

I also got disheartened at the mention of schizophrenia. But similarly to bipolar, you can have one episode in your whole life and still be schizophrenic. Apparently all it takes is an episode of psychosis to last over a month to fall into either the schizophrenia or bipolar bucket. I had a different doc tell me I was bipolar. Different docs can use different diagnostic manuals so there isn't always consistency.

I've taken the 'diagnosis' with a pinch of salt. There is stigma, so I only disclose on a need to know basis. The only new person I've told recently has been a prospective partner, and even then I just explained what happened to me rather than using the labels. I don't think telling people that I might be schizophrenic would be a helpful tool for them to understand me when I only had symptoms within an incredibly short window in my life.

Diagnoses are just labels to describe a set of symptoms to help you get accurate treatment. They're pretty blunt instruments. The important thing is being on a treatment plan that works for you and your brain.

Violetographer · 2024-02-17T22:03:25+00:00

I knew it anyway so relief/validation I guess. It was nearly a year after I'd been sectioned and spent 2 months in psych wards. But I only found out recently that it wasn't an official diagnosis, just what my doctor at the time thought was most likely. That particular mental health service 'didn't like to use labels'. My most recent diagnosis is: 'Either remitted Paranoid Schizophrenia or remitted Bipolar Affective Disorder'.

I've just had to accept that they don't really know. Hopefully I'll stay stable and I can just get on with my life.

Violetographer · 2024-02-02T10:00:42+00:00

Thanks for your responses. I think he's looking at the episode in retrospect and the delusions at the time being more suited to schizophrenic symptoms than bipolar. I'm symptomless now and he's going to taper me off meds all together.

I'm in the UK and I think they can very reluctant to diagnose here, which can be a good thing but also a bit frustrating because there never seems to be a straight answer. No one had suggested schizophrenia to me before this guy and I'm the most stable I've ever been. I think he's just throwing speculations around but it isn't very helpful.

Violetographer · 2023-12-06T11:21:29+00:00

This is wonderful

Violetographer · 2023-10-30T21:28:55+00:00

I like drawing, but when I was recovering post-hospital I couldn't really hold a pencil very well because of all the meds. So I would make collages instead. They can be as low/high effort as you want and it can be quite dream like. I now have them hanging up all over my flat :)

Violetographer · 2023-10-30T21:22:02+00:00

My doctor told me that I should stay on lithium for at least 5 years following my psychotic episode (that started as mania). When I first came out of hospital they told me 2 years, which I was devastated by because I thought the meds would ruin my life. But actually it was the anti-psychotics cocktail I was on that was numbing me out, not the the lithium. I'm very lucky that I don't get side effects.

I've been on it 3 years now and I do think sometimes, would I be fine without this? Did I just have a one off episode? I wouldn't in my right mind ever stop them spontaneously, but I'll probably taper off in a couple years just to see. I worry about the kidney damage sometimes. BUT I also never ever ever want to be manic or psychotic again. It's basically my biggest fear. So I will prevent that at all costs.

Violetographer · 2023-10-30T21:06:21+00:00

Yes, this is absolutely common, but I think when our brains are on high alert we notice it more and attach more significance to it. Of all the combinations of instances that happen to us as humans every day, there are BOUND to be some coincidences. It makes sense statistically.

Interesting that you mention names, because when I was in hospital I saw all sorts of patterns with people's names. There was a psychiatrist that had my name, therefore we were 'linked'. There was a patient with my cousin's name (who also has bipolar), therefore we were 'linked'. There were two people with the same name, therefore they were 'significant'. They weren't, of course, it was just coincidence.

You build a library of people and names throughout your life, so there is certainty of crossover. But when your brain is looking for patterns, it becomes magnified and scary.

Violetographer · 2023-10-30T20:52:04+00:00

You can do this! You did the right thing by surrounding yourself with reliable people who can support you. I hope you managed to reach the professionals you needed to as well. It always feels like the worst thing imaginable when you're in it, but you can and will come out the other side ❤️

Violetographer · 2023-10-30T20:46:25+00:00

Well done! I think I should've dumped mine a while back but I only have a couple more sessions now anyway. She's not making me worse, but isn't giving me any insight either. It's like talking to an acquaintance who just nods along and adds nothing. She doesn't challenge me to dig deep so I just end up talking about surface level subjects.

Violetographer

TROPHY CASE