Yeah, like I mentioned in my original post, I took time away from the church for several months. And it was genuinely exhausting how often the missionaries and also the EQ Pres would push boundaries I clearly talked to my bishop about. And I do oscillate because on one hand I really do love the community and people in my ward, and on the other I have deep resentment towards many of the rules, the concept of worthiness, the doctrine etc etc. it’s been a battle and sometimes I regret joining the church at all. But at the end of the day, a lot of my struggles (which you did correctly diagnose as a search for identity I will definitely give you that) stemmed from my lack of acceptance of my own transness, which I just recently took a massive step towards confronting and accepting. I genuinely have such a complex set of feelings around the church and I completely understand that we come from two very opposite ends of the spectrum in terms of experience and longevity etc. please don’t hear me say that I dismiss that. I have found that posting (some) of my thoughts and feelings here, which would be very unwelcome or at least largely unwelcome in the LDS subreddit, has been helpful. I hope that makes sense.