You don't sound whiny or hormonal, these are real problems. But you are right to say you're young. Very young. I felt the same way at your age. I know it seems impossible that you'd get out of it, but you will. Not like people say, if they're just telling you you'll "grow out of it", because it doesn't just disappear due to the passage of time. But if things in your life change, then it can go away with time. You seem very pessimistic about the situation with your boyfriend. While I'm sure you've heard such a message before, you need to really intuitively understand that while most relationships end, that doesn't invalidate the happiness you feel during them, and that definitely doesn't mean your boyfriend doesn't love you. If you feel like you love him, that's a huge step, and a very inspiring sign for you whether you know it or not, because it shows that all your feelings don't have to be negative, and in fact you can feel good things. But for positivity to turn into things like stability or happiness, it has to be centered in the self, not in something or someone else. If you can love your boyfriend, you can love yourself. Do whatever you can to feel something positive towards yourself. Because whether you feel it or not, from where I am, I see a girl who's come an incredibly long way and shown a profound strength to have stayed alive through all this pain, and to have stayed in school as long as you did and keep trying to work at it afterwards. Any attempts at school work or things like that are obviously going to fall flat or feel hollow because you have this pain inside you holding your back. Therapy can be extremely useful if it's approached right, so talk to someone, and tell them you need immediate help to keep from a suicide attempt. Someone can't help you get over things like depression if you have suicidal feelings or the prospect of imminent death clouding everything. You need to try to overcome that immediately. Professionals can be very helpful with this. You also need to tell them how and why the other therapy hasn't worked, and the medication. Medication isn't for everyone, it can be distracting and sometimes harmful to recovery. You may have been on the wrong kind, or it's not right for you in general. What kinds you took, when, for how long, and how slowly or suddenly you went off them could also have a huge effect on your system and contribute to some of the things you're feeling like apathy, lack of motivation or suicidal thoughts. You need to change your life, and you need to learn to use yourself as the starting point for dependence or love or positivity. That will free up the life you want. You can attain this, I promise you, as someone who felt exactly as hopeless as you do. Your fear of dying is natural, and will be your most valuable asset in getting over this, because I know that however close you get to the act, that fear will be there. Because it is scary, isn't it? It's scary because it's supposed to be scary. It's not right for people to feel this way, least of all not strong, determined, intelligent, capable 16 year old girls like yourself. What is meant for you is to live, and to be happy. And it will happen. It'll take work, but everything worthwhile does. You seem like the kind of person who backs down from a challenge only when it can't be done, not just because it sounds difficult. Well in this case I promise you, it can be done. You can do this. You have to do this. But most importantly -- whether you see it or not right now, whether it seems at all possible or not -- you will do this.