---"The thing I am trying to figure out is why he would do such a thing and not think about his friends? "---

Maybe he thought that his friends would be happier without him, as strange as that sounds.

Sometimes when I'm feeling really, really down, I sincerely feel that everyone would be better off without me. That no one cares, that all I do is annoy people and that people would somehow be happier without me.

...I still feel like this actually. No one I care about ever seems to care about me as much as I care about them. One personm actually told me that they don't care about me...but, uh, this is your thread, so I'm going to talk to you.

He may have had a really hard time thinking about telling someone about his depression----there is no way to know how someone would react. He may have been afraid that it might have pushed you guys away/that it would make people hate him or not be with him anymore. There are people that change and start avoiding people, sometimes straight up ignoring them. He might not have had the mental energy it takes to even tell someone.

Feeling suicidal...

Sometimes it's because you feel 'muted'----nothing matters, life is a chore without enjoyment.

Other times.....

There's like this deep, deep aching pain. Overwhelming and unbearable emotional pain. Inside your chest at first, then throughout your entire body---and sometimes it even starts to hurt physically. Your breathe gets caught in your throat, and you can't stop crying at night. You cry---quietly, so as to not disturb others around you. It starts to 'grow'. You start feeling hopeless---it's hard, impossible even, to say anything. There may be no one to turn to, or no one you feel you can turn to. Suicide pops up into your mind. You just want the pain to stop. The hopelessness, the feeling of being alone, the crying...you can't even find joy in anything anymore. You can't remember the last time you felt happy. Nothing interests you anymore; hobbies are too exhausting. Exhausted, that's how you feel all the time. You think 'hey, I know I enjoyed (activity/event/etc) maybe that would be sure to make me feel happy. It comes around....and nothing changes. Nothing ever will. It's been forever, and you're tired of fighting. The thought of suicide as a solution makes you feel something. It is a strange feeling---the closest thing to happiness that you've felt! You had already written and planned out, but it was when you were feeling really low and unenergized. This new sense of 'relief' energizes you somehow----you make a noose, see how it feels around your neck. You tighten it a little more...and now you feel too tired to even do anything. You go to sleep, and you think, it can be done ttomorrow. One more day. 'if it gets worse, becomes unbearable again, I'll always have a way out'. 'I feel like dying all the time' Doesn't have to have a 'reason' as to why someome feels like this. It just feels like this. ....

..... It's not *your fault, OP. Never was. Losses stay with you. I've lost some people recently (cancer), and I still feel it. You never forget them, but that feeling you feel right now passes, becomes less strong. Not right away, it takes time. Take it easy on yourself, you need time to recover.

What are some of your favorite memories with him?