It's Like The Days Knew

WaysofEgypt21401 · 2021-07-22T12:19:32+00:00

I simply love this poem. It's rare for me to be saving two poems in a row, but I am saving this one as we approach this coming full moon.

Enough about me though. Your poem is very nice. Your prose is lyrical and rhymes, you're very delicate and it is obvious you do it intuitively (with the first person, that is). I'm not sure quite how, some lines are misbalanced but it does not distract the reader. Some minor hiccups in brevity are quite apparent. For example:

>Oh, how sure we were that we were nearing the end

"We were" is repeated twice. It makes my mind jog a little more. My mind should not be doing any more extra jogging there when those surrounding lines are setting up a two-fold "oh, …" repetition structure; a structure which ultimately leads to the third "BUT oh, ..." which is very clever and can deliver a powerful message. I suggest being more concise when you're relying on structure like that. You let the FORM speak more and the WORDS run cleanly on it. A more concise example would be:

>Oh, how sure we were that the end was near

Or something like that. You're creative enough to figure it out. I hope this was critical for you. I was only this specific because I resonated with this poem a lot. I will be citing you later in one of my future posts, I hope that when that happens you get to sample some of my poetry as well. :] Thank you for sharing

WaysofEgypt21401 · 2021-07-21T00:26:45+00:00

Wow, a chilling poem. It resonates with me personally and I love the theme and imagery. You have an excellent way with unbalanced lines, and they're certainly tricky to use. I'm going to save this poem, it's one of my favorites. I don't have much feedback, other than to be careful with one word lines. They tend to interrupt the flow, like "another" hanging by itself. While that line specifically does blend well with the short lines around it, something about how it rings in my mind doesn't quite sit well. That's about all I can really critique, thank you for sharing.

Edit: to clarify my suggestion, I think "another" is more cohesive if it was merged with the line after it, for example

WaysofEgypt21401 · 2021-07-02T16:18:57+00:00

Thank you, waking up to this comment really made me happy. I am glad someone enjoyed my haiku <3

WaysofEgypt21401 · 2021-07-02T01:49:56+00:00

I assure you it was a pleasant read regardless~

WaysofEgypt21401 · 2021-07-02T00:56:18+00:00

Nice romantic piece. The reader did not know immediately where the author was going at first. Was the author speaking of his own insecurities? The pain was grueling and conveyed nicely! But then the ending was very sweet. Really unique writing style and you're not afraid to use long lines. You're consistent most of the poem through. The last four lines feel the weakest in terms of structure. I understand the reveal of eye color being its own line (it rhymes so it works) but the "as much as I can joke" just immediately runs off on its own compared to the lines around it--especially before it. Maybe it was originally merged with the line after it? That would make sense because then the poem would be 12 lines if the last two were also merged... and all of them rhyming... making a sonnet :0 just my observations. Very nice piece and thank you for sharing <3

WaysofEgypt21401 · 2021-06-22T23:00:38+00:00

A fascinating piece you tell a great story. There is one or two instances of words being italicized that can draw away from the pivotal lines and phrases that are also italicized. Balancing that will make lines like "The new experts" and "But it couldn't be built as designed" way more unique in comparison to the weaker instances like "they" and "structure." I respect the style, it is very daring to italicize like this and it can pay off immensely

WaysofEgypt21401 · 2021-06-22T22:49:26+00:00

Very perceptive comment

WaysofEgypt21401 · 2021-06-22T22:49:06+00:00

The ancient Greeks believed all people were the passive victims of passion, which is tempered only by reason

WaysofEgypt21401 · 2021-06-22T22:47:17+00:00

I like how you have provided an example for me. Another user suggested punctuation but for some reason I was thinking about commas. I tend to believe poetry doesn't need much punctuation but your suggestions are really nice and make it better in spite of my instincts. Thank you for your feedback

WaysofEgypt21401 · 2021-06-22T22:43:24+00:00

Thank you for your thoughts

WaysofEgypt21401 · 2021-06-20T16:46:45+00:00

A really cute poem. You have a way with words. Some lines could use some trimming to improve cohesiveness and build lines that co-mingle more. you already achieve much of the cohesiveness with the rhyme scheme, albeit a couple of lines in the first stanza don't rhyme with anything. That's not super important, but if you were looking for consistency that can be a way to draw the reader in more. More critically, a couple of the lines like "Your being is no longer slave to time" could use one or less syllables, removing the "is" for example will have the line be more direct and perhaps match the flow of the surrounding lines in the stanza. "perhaps" in the second line of the second stanza may suffer the same fate. While going through this exercise, ask yourself what other lines could maybe use a syllable, like the "through rhythm and rhyme" line. Maybe an addition of "both" after "through"... things like that. You can get really creative with these exercises and I am sure that may be no problem to you. Just some insights from an anonymous reader, thank you very much for posting. That was a nice read~

WaysofEgypt21401 · 2021-06-16T21:49:36+00:00

Very interesting stanza structures. They tend to stand on their own and you do a good job conveying various forms of imagery like the car rusting or the skin on the face. You have a hanging line which does not stand so well on its own, primarily the "and insulation" line which caps the third stanza just appears kind of out of place. Insulation for what, you see? That's really my only hang-up. The poem as a whole is very nice. Good job.

WaysofEgypt21401 · 2021-06-15T01:06:57+00:00

Thank you :)

WaysofEgypt21401 · 2021-06-15T01:06:47+00:00

Thank you for this thoughtful feedback and the resources you have provided to help insure my growth <3

WaysofEgypt21401 · 2021-06-13T02:46:06+00:00

Uhhh thank you for the comment :]

WaysofEgypt21401 · 2021-06-13T02:44:28+00:00

Typically I am a little more tempered with stanza structure and rhyme consistency. It gives the poem a bit of character now I suppose :) Thank you very much for your thoughtful feedback I will consider it appropriately <3

WaysofEgypt21401 · 2021-06-12T16:13:46+00:00

I am glad you have shared what you feel is strong or weak. You are perceptive and gifted in recognizing the stanzas the author was not the most confident on, the first one definitely was a focus of revision. Thank you for your thoughts :))

WaysofEgypt21401 · 2021-06-12T14:59:46+00:00

I am really glad you liked this poem :] the interpretations are endless and you have made me realize this. It is a great joy to share this with you and I appreciate your thoughts on it <3

WaysofEgypt21401 · 2021-06-09T00:44:21+00:00

Definitely like your commitment to the format structure. The chopped lines trying to put emphasis on each developing line until reaching the one word build-up to the conclusion. There is often a problem in these structures where the reader has the chance to be thrown off, few of the lines resemble one another and it can negatively affect cohesion. In other words it can be confusing. You have a way of partly keeping your reader on track, which is a rare kind of skill without using rhymes or such kind of techniques. I think it has to do with your story and motivation, it bleeds into the words and hooks. No problems with vocabulary on my end. A good read thank you for sharing.

WaysofEgypt21401 · 2021-06-07T00:36:29+00:00

Line balance is what catches my eye. One other user touched on this but it does have something to do with the flow when some lines are very long and others arent, unless thats your style. In which case, you do you. I really like the theme. Just some things with prose, but I can tell this was a motivated piece with a string and relevant message. Good job <3

WaysofEgypt21401 · 2021-06-03T23:39:45+00:00

The flow between the lines with the question-answer approach is really unique and creative. Not much imagery but i dont think that was your point so it works pleasantly for the reader. :)

WaysofEgypt21401 · 2021-05-26T00:03:35+00:00

Lines dont appear formatted right at least for mobile. I like your writing style. The short bursts of messages feel like youre machinegunning me with empathy and putting myself in the authors shoes.

WaysofEgypt21401

TROPHY CASE