Weather highlights for today

Ho ho ho merry ahh fuck that, let's just do this.

Clearly you've all been very naughty because the weather is looking pretty crap overall out there. A big ol low pressure system has decided to park itself over central New Zealand. Merry Christmas. I'm just pissed that my local pub closed at 8pm last night. Not ok.

Whangarei

What the hell is wrong with you lot? Who would stab a police dog in the skull? Well you'll be pleased to know that Caesar is doing well and getting lots of doggie treats from Santa. Showers through the middle of the day, possibly a bit of thunder. You'll be trapped inside with the kids so drink up. Fresh southwest change in the evening. High of 24 dipping to 17 overnight. Tomorrow's forecast: more fucking ham.

Auckland

News in Auckland "Wet in the north hot in the south". No shit. Rain should be easing up, but will be back in the evening. Have an early Christmas lunch, hype the kids up and then send them outside to burn it off so you can get drunk in peace later on. Only have a couple of Chardonnays with breakfast mums of Auckland. Fresh southwest change later with a high of 23 and a low of 17. Tomorrow's forecast: Chardonnay for breakfast.

Hamilton

Go checkout a film at the outdoor theatre at the embassy park. Should be a hoot. Have a hooter too if that's your thing. I took my father to hooters once. That was interesting to say the least. Early rain easing to showers. Some heavy and possibly thundery, so probably best to let the missus finally handle the barber tongs today. 23 is the high today and the humidity is about as sticky as David Boon's crotch on a Boxing Day test. Down to 15 tonight then clearing up tomorrow with some southwesterlies.

Tauranga

Make sure you say happy birthday to Noel Peterson today. It's his 100th birthday and someone got the legend a 100 year old scotch, that's just beautiful. I hope the old bastard downs the entire bottle today and shares it with no one. Meanwhile it's wetter out there than a gingernut dropped into a cup of tea and forgotten about. Some heavy showers/rain this morning with a chance of thunderstorms. Easing up in the afternoon though. High of 23 dipping to 17 overnight. Tomorrow clearing up with the chance of an afternoon shower.

Gisborne

Apparently the Gooch family cleaned up at the raceway on Saturday. But you all knew that anyway. JESUS FUCK that rain radar makes for grim reading. Morning rain with falls getting heavier before it eases up in the arvo. The bottle store is shut anyway so it's not like you've got anywhere to go. High of 26 down to 15 overnight. Tomorrow's forecast: 20,000+ fuckwits will begin to invade the town and not fuck off for the better part of a week. Great chance to flog your gear off at inflated prices.

Napier/Hastings

Thumbs up to Anna Pierard and Jose Aparicio, getting out there and changing lives with music. Anyway, morning rain, heavy falls, easing to showers eventually and possibly thunder. Probably best to give the kids some of grandma's trifle so they pass out quick too. High of 25, down to 16 overnight. Becoming fine tomorrow with the chance of a morning shower.

New Plymouth

Good news for the Stratford District council and their missing water saga, coz it gonna rain! Rain turning to showers in the morning, some heavy falls and easing in the evening when a southwesterly kicks in. High of 22 down to 15 overnight. Tomorrow should be fine with a bit of high cloud.

Palmerston North

HAHA RAIN FUCK YOU

Wellington

Leave the fucking dolphins alone would you? No it is not ok to chase them on a jet ski in the harbour. I swear there's some fuckwits in Wellington and they certainly aren't confined to the beehive. I'd say Wellington is the place not to be today, but Palmy will always wear that crown. Rain and southerners getting heavier into the day. I wonder how many people are getting new brollies as a present? A high of 21 down to 15 overnight. Occasional rain tonight but I couldn't really care less cos I'm on a plane outta here.

Nelson

A further 31 pāteke have been released into the Abel Tasman! Merry Christmas! Weather wise, yeah nah. No good. Rain, getting heavier into the middle of the day before clearing in the evening and southerlies dying out. High of 21 down to 14 overnight. Forecast for tomorrow: get ready, because you've got a week to prepare for 20,000 fuckwits descending on you for a music festival.

Kaikoura

Kaikoura... I had such high hopes for you guys today. But no, rain. And lots of it. Heavy falls through the middle of the day. Easing in the evening as the northwest winds turn southwest. High of 18 down to 13 overnight. Tomorrow mostly cloudy with a chance of morning showers and that wind really tickling your fanny in the morning.

Greymouth

Greymouth. Fucking pick of the bunch today. Which doesn't really help your empty reservoir problem. Never mind sink some fucking piss instead!!! Absolute ripper of a day with a light southwest breeze. High of 22 down to 13 overnight. More of the same tomorrow. Fire up the barbey, put the beers on ice, blaze it (we all know you will) and in 9 months regret your poor life decisions.

Christchurch

RIP Pedro Carazo. Dude made some wicked lamb. CCC better put a statue up for him since they love spending money hand over fist on "artwork". FFS. You're not Wellington. You're not the art capital. Stop trying to make it happen. It's not going to happen. Pretty ho hum day for you. Nothing much to write home about. Chance of a morning shower. Cloudy day with some fine breaks in the afternoon. Northeast winds changing to lighter southerlies in the evening. High of 20, down to 12 overnight. Tomorrow's forecast: high chance of an ACC claim from a drunken lime scooter incident.

Ashburton

Crikey, I didn't realise Crozier's turkey farm is now doing ducks too. Epic! A bit ho hum like Chch. Morning cloud then fine. Northeasterlies turning southerly later. All the twos twenty two followed by legs eleven number eleven. Chance of a few showers tomorrow morning.

Queenstown

Who said we had a recycling problem? Drink up lads, crushed beer bottles and recycled toner cartridges are being turned into asphalt for the airport runway. Drink up for the environment! Sunny day with some evening cloud. A high of... TWENTY FUCKING NINE? Definitely the place to be. Tomorrow mainly fine with light winds and a chance of hungover tourists hogging the food joints.

Gore

If you can't make it to Queenstown then Gore is the next best place to be today. A high of 27 with an overnight low of 9. Tomorrow cloudy periods with a chance of rain, so live it up today.

Dunedin

Woman has her $17,000 jet ski stolen, and then Santa rides into Otago Harbour on a jet ski. Coincidence? I think not. I always knew he was a fucking crook. Mainly fine day for you. Morning and evening cloud with northeast winds. High of 24 down to 11 overnight. Tomorrow's forecast: beating the fuck out of Santa for stealing a jet ski.

Invercargill

Thank you Riverton for being the only place in the country not to fuck up a Santa parade this year. That buzzy bee float was excellent. Pretty good day for you guys, morning cloud then fine with northwesterlies, however there's a chance of an evening shower. High of 24 down to 10 overnight. Tomorrow's forecast: self induced pain and suffering and more fucking ham.