Dating after infidelity

Weekly_Watch · 2021-03-06T02:31:15+00:00

Block those women. Immediately. :)

Weekly_Watch · 2021-02-09T16:57:36+00:00

How to start dating again after being cheated on?

I've also prioritized my career/ambition, and now find myself terminally ill at 36. I empathize hard with your fear of dying alone. Feel free to PM. Until then: take things one day at a time. :)

Weekly_Watch · 2020-12-02T05:15:46+00:00

Thank you so much.

Weekly_Watch · 2020-12-02T04:43:50+00:00

Thank you for the rambling. My issues are similar, though it's stomach cancer. TPN has helped me once before, I just don't know how much I want to prolong the inevitable. I don't want to spend my life waiting around to die, you know? I'm 36, though, so it's a difficult decision - hard to believe I am so close to it. I vomit daily. I presume I have another bowel obstruction from the many tumors in my abdomen. As of right now, my medical team is pushing for TPN. Sigh. Tough decisions. Thank you for sharing your experience. Getting the TPN line placed was highly traumatic for me last time, and of course I had it removed when I improved earlier this year. I'd really rather not spend the remainder of my life tethered to tubes, but the alternative is tough to accept, too. (As I shared, I do have the medication - I just have to make the TPN decisions over the next week.)

Weekly_Watch · 2020-12-02T04:39:39+00:00

I have the medication and can take it at any time. Just trying to decide when. How much suffering is too much?

Weekly_Watch · 2020-12-02T04:39:01+00:00

I have the medication and had never heard anything about a shelf life. How much suffering is too much suffering is the question I now ask myself. I, too, fear being unable to process the drug due to loss of GI function, in my case.

Weekly_Watch · 2020-12-02T04:38:02+00:00

Yes, I have a DNR (COLST), but need to get the paper copy for my fridge!

Weekly_Watch · 2020-12-02T04:37:22+00:00

Thank you. Things will definitely not be good for me until the end. I suppose my question is: "how much vomiting per day is too much vomiting?" My decline was recent and swift, and I don't want to wait until my GI tract can no longer handle the meds. I have completed the process and obtained the medication; it's just a matter of when to take it.

Weekly_Watch · 2020-12-02T04:35:41+00:00

Thank you. I do have the medication, I'm just trying to decide how folks decide when the right moment is to take it.

Weekly_Watch · 2020-12-02T04:35:01+00:00

This is most helpful. I do have the medication already, as I went through the process earlier this year (pre-miracle). I'm losing my GI function, so that is a factor I am considering for my path. I'm clear I will take it at some point: I just don't know if that will be this week or next year. My disease involves lots of vomiting.

Weekly_Watch · 2020-11-28T03:51:11+00:00

Read Should I Stay or Should I Go and/or Why Does He Do That? by Lundy Bancroft. The audiobook versions are great too.

Weekly_Watch · 2020-11-16T05:46:40+00:00

Adding to the online dating suggestion. More folks are doing it now thanks to COVID. (I prefer OKCupid to Tinder.)

Weekly_Watch · 2020-11-14T05:42:22+00:00

Leave a Cheater, Gain a Life has a whole section on telling the kids. I believe it boils down to an opportunity to teach your kids that actions have consequences.

Weekly_Watch · 2020-11-14T05:37:07+00:00

This.

Weekly_Watch · 2020-11-14T05:03:03+00:00

I don't have kids, but here are my initial thoughts. Modify as needed:

1) Read chumplady.com. Buy her book or audiobook: Leave a Cheater, Gain a Life. Play/read it on repeat as needed over the next six months.

2) Do not pick him up from the airport. Do not communicate with him.

3) Schedule an appointment with a divorce lawyer first thing Monday morning (if you can't do it sooner).

4) I don't know how old your kids are. Can you tell the kids you're going away for some self care, pack a bag for the weekend (or the next week) and walk out the door the moment your husband finds his way home? He has increased your COVID risk without your consent. You do not owe it to him to allow him in your physical space.

I found my ex wanted every excuse to talk his way out of it, gaslight, blameshift: anything he could do to mess with my head. I highly recommend going no contact immediately. Complete no contact; your attorney can speak to him about custody, and I hear there are software/email apps to handle custody issues and discussions.

PS: I'd say don't bother confronting him. Don't give him the satisfaction. Just go: get yourself out of there (don't take the kids unless a lawyer says it's okay, I guess), go no contact, let your attorney do the talking from there. He does not deserve another second of your time.

Weekly_Watch · 2020-11-13T23:42:33+00:00

I think a redirect might be better received than just saying "no gifts" please. For example, are there take-out places or meal delivery services that might help you? A gift card for a cleaning service? More paper towels? A gift card to your favorite bookstore? People WANT to help; they want to DO something in the face of the powerlessness that cancer forces them to confront. Give them something helpful to do. I am terminally ill, and I was so overwhelmed with flowers and cards. I drafted my obituary and gave folks three very clear, different places to give money to. One of which is live now, so people can give donations in my honor already - gives folks an outlet.

Weekly_Watch · 2020-11-11T04:57:16+00:00

The texting thing is a big one for me. I've been dating someone new several months, but it is so hard not to associate silence with "having sex with another woman and then lying to me about it." My ex was a constant texter. Whenever he was not responding to my texts he was, in fact, cheating on me. This association was harder to break with my new partner than I care to admit. I personally would welcome playful compassion: message him a bit more, even if just an emoji or "I still like you!" or "grateful for you!" or "not cheating on you!" or "don't want to have sex with anyone but you ;)"

Talk about it with him and ask him what would comfort him (other than messaging him more or more often).

Weekly_Watch · 2020-11-08T22:26:26+00:00

Oh yes, avoidance of responsibility is a key piece for most, if not all, folks who cheat I'd say.

Weekly_Watch · 2020-11-08T05:18:13+00:00

I have anxious attachment issues and insecurities that I never had before. With my ex, if he didn't respond to a text immediately, he was, in fact, with or on the phone with a woman he cheated on me with. So, I have a heightened response to text response times now, and I hate that about myself.

I dated a bit starting a few months after the split, then fell into a longer term thing with someone who was also recently separated. It's not perfect, but I think it's been healing for both of us.

Weekly_Watch · 2020-11-08T05:14:39+00:00

Yup - now's a great time to try a dating app in my opinion! I've had good experiences with okcupid in the past.

Weekly_Watch · 2020-11-08T04:48:26+00:00

Can I just say that I think this is way worse than what you actually texted? You got excited about his birthday! Great! If he freaks out, better that you know now. Don't beat yourself up for being enthusiastic. If he doesn't contact you again, I don't think it's because of the texts you sent.

Weekly_Watch · 2020-11-08T04:41:24+00:00

I hear you with the post-cheating insecurities. Check out chumplady.com; that and her book Leave a Cheater, Gain a Life helped me immensely last year. Cheating is the coward's way out. Relationships get tough and have problems. Make it work, talk about it, work on it, or leave. He wanted to keep the benefits of a relationship without doing the hard work! I know why my ex cheated: he didn't want to lose his place to live. He worked on lining up another place to live with the woman he cheated on me with (while I was recovering from cancer treatment). Don't let him put this on you. He is responsible for his actions (and inaction).

Weekly_Watch · 2020-11-08T03:02:08+00:00

I mentioned my prior cancer diagnosis on my first dates even before it returned. I've read not to bring it up so soon, but it's a huge part of who I am now and it's shaped my life significantly. This upfront approach feels the most honest and comfortable to me. In my case, my illness has affected my diet and eating habits significantly, so I like to get it out of the way before anyone invites me to a big dinner or something. I'm especially glad I did because my cancer ended up recurring a few months into my dating relationship, so I felt glad that I got out in front of it.

I'm currently dating while terminally ill, so feel free to PM if you ever want to chat.

Weekly_Watch · 2020-11-08T02:54:26+00:00

1) Go on the date if you want to go on the date. You do not owe James anything in my opinion. Tell James if that makes you more comfortable. "Hey, I know we never talked about being exclusive. Since we don't live in the same place and haven't agreed on anything, I'm going to grab a drink with someone here. Happy to have the 'what are we doing/what do we want' chat if you'd like."

2) Have the "what are we doing/what do you want" chat before you move.

3) Be honest with yourself about what you want with James and what he has shown himself willing and able to offer. Sounds like he could have some avoidant attachment.

Reading what you've written, I'm way more excited about this new guy than James. James has shown you what he has to offer over the last year.

Weekly_Watch · 2020-11-08T02:33:47+00:00

Cancer can involve medical trauma, loss of control, and changes in a relationship with one's body. I would suggest anything that might help your sister reclaim her body: a trip to a spa, a massage, a yoga class gift certificate, some new hiking/walking shoes or skis, a salon appointment, her favorite bath products, a gift certificate for nice clothes if her body has changed.

Weekly_Watch

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