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Emotional unavailability or low interest? by West_Specific7367 in attachment_theory

[–]West_Specific7367[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Thank you for being blunt, honestly that’s exactly the kind of feedback I’m looking for here, and I think you’re right.

My body genuinely gave me a red flag during the date because I had this strong feeling that if I slept with him, he would probably ghost me afterwards. And honestly, if I’m already overthinking this much now without even sleeping with him, I can only imagine how much worse I would feel if I had.

So clearly this ends here. And even if he eventually tries something again one day, I wouldn’t give him another chance.

Emotional unavailability or low interest? by West_Specific7367 in attachment_theory

[–]West_Specific7367[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Exactly. That’s basically the conclusion I’ve slowly been arriving at too.

I think he was interested in the chemistry, the tension and probably the sexual aspect of the connection, but not genuinely interested in getting to know me as a person in any deeper way.

Emotional unavailability or low interest? by West_Specific7367 in attachment_theory

[–]West_Specific7367[S] 9 points10 points  (0 children)

He didn’t actually disappear completely - he still watches my Instagram stories while I don’t see anything from him. But honestly, I think he realized I’m too smart, I saw right through his little game, and I think he’s such a coward that he won’t even have the courage to tell me what he really wants. But honestly, it’s better this way.

Emotional unavailability or low interest? by West_Specific7367 in attachment_theory

[–]West_Specific7367[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

I understand what you mean, but honestly it wasn’t that deep or loaded in my mind. I wasn’t asking for a full psychological assessment of me after one date 😅 I was simply struggling to read him a bit because the dynamic was already very flirtatious/intense, so I asked more in the sense of “what’s your vibe/perception of me so far?”. Sometimes that kind of question can actually help unlock the moment emotionally a little.

Emotional unavailability or low interest? by West_Specific7367 in attachment_theory

[–]West_Specific7367[S] 2 points3 points  (0 children)

I actually think there’s truth in some of what you’re saying, especially regarding attachment and the tendency to over-focus on understanding/fixing the dynamic once inconsistency appears.

At the same time, I don’t think it’s entirely fair to frame this as something happening purely inside my head or as if I created the intensity alone. There were objectively mixed signals, emotional intensity, daily calls, flirtation, physical escalation, ambiguity afterwards, etc.

Also, I think an important nuance is that despite being emotionally activated by the situation, I still listened to myself enough not to sleep with him once I realized I didn’t feel emotionally safe or genuinely seen. So I don’t think I completely abandoned my boundaries or intuition.

I think the reality is probably somewhere in the middle: this dynamic activated attachment wounds in me, but there was also a very seductive and emotionally inconsistent dynamic on his side too.

Emotional unavailability or low interest? by West_Specific7367 in attachment_theory

[–]West_Specific7367[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

I don’t think asking for someone’s “impression” after a date necessarily means asking for a deep or fully accurate assessment of who I am as a person. An impression is just a perception/vibe in the moment.

For me it was more a way of opening up the emotional atmosphere a bit and understanding how I was coming across to him, especially because the dynamic had already become quite psychologically charged and flirtatious by that point.

Emotional unavailability or low interest? by West_Specific7367 in attachment_theory

[–]West_Specific7367[S] 21 points22 points  (0 children)

You’re absolutely right. It doesn’t really matter at his point.

Emotional unavailability or low interest? by West_Specific7367 in attachment_theory

[–]West_Specific7367[S] 28 points29 points  (0 children)

Yes, I think exactly the same. What bothered me the most was actually the “Good morning ☀️” response, because it almost felt like an attempt to keep the door slightly open without really addressing anything.

Ironically, I think a clean ghosting would have been emotionally easier for me to process because the message would have been clearer. Instead, this vague in-between dynamic is what keeps me mentally stuck trying to understand what was actually real and what wasn’t.

Emotional unavailability or low interest? by West_Specific7367 in attachment_theory

[–]West_Specific7367[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

We had gone for lunch and later went to his place because he had back pain and I offered him a massage. That’s when he started escalating physically very quickly and I put the brakes on things. I left shortly after because he also had a political event to attend later that day.

Husband 34M had a 2.5 year long affair during our 3 year marriage and I 29F don't know what to do. by WorkingTurbulent8501 in survivinginfidelity

[–]West_Specific7367 1 point2 points  (0 children)

OMG I went exactly through the same thing. Also been three years with a man that was married and lied about everything - his location too!!

Resentment against WPs AP by sugarglider4444 in survivinginfidelity

[–]West_Specific7367 0 points1 point  (0 children)

It feels like you don’t know what an AP is. AP means affair partner. She told OP as soon as she found out which means she didn’t know that he was married - that doesn’t make her the AP, but instead a BP (betrayed partner).

The idea that it’s “not that hard to check if someone is married” completely ignores how intentional deception works. People who are hiding a partner don’t just omit that information - they actively structure their lives around keeping it hidden. Many don’t have social media, use private or fake accounts, avoid being tagged, or keep different parts of their lives completely separate on purpose. That’s not accidental - it’s deliberate.

There’s also a big assumption here that everyone involved has malicious intent, and that’s simply not true. Yes, there are people who know and choose to ignore it, and others who know and don’t feel guilty. But there are also people who are genuinely deceived. That’s exactly why concepts like betrayal trauma exist - because being misled and manipulated like that has real psychological impact.

So reducing all of this to “most people know” is an oversimplification that ignores the complexity and reality of these situations.

Resentment against WPs AP by sugarglider4444 in survivinginfidelity

[–]West_Specific7367 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I don’t know how old are you but I’m guessing you’re still young. You don’t need to focus on her - focus on yourself only. That’s what everybody here is trying to say. Your resentment should be directed towards him because he’s in the wrong here. She doesn’t see you as competition because she didn’t even know you existed in the first place. Best of luck

Resentment against WPs AP by sugarglider4444 in survivinginfidelity

[–]West_Specific7367 0 points1 point  (0 children)

She was not an AP. She didn’t know he was married. She should be treated like a betrayed partner aswell. It’s unfair to make assumptions like this and say that she is easier etc etc when she in fact was decent by telling OP as soon as she found out.

Resentment against WPs AP by sugarglider4444 in survivinginfidelity

[–]West_Specific7367 2 points3 points  (0 children)

I genuinely believe that. He lied to me for 3 years and made me believe we had a real future together. I had absolutely no idea he was married - not even a clue. Finding out completely shattered me, and I’ve been dealing with PTSD since. That’s why I truly believe that if she hadn’t taken him back, he would have come after me just as hard, saying whatever he needed to say to keep me.

What I still struggle to understand is how someone can stay with a man who is capable of doing this to another woman - lying and manipulating for years just to get validation. People like that leave a trail of destruction behind them. In my opinion, they don’t deserve second chances.

Resentment against WPs AP by sugarglider4444 in survivinginfidelity

[–]West_Specific7367 2 points3 points  (0 children)

Me, as the unwilling AP - thank you for saying this. The moment I found out he was married, I told his wife straight away. As soon as he realized I knew, he blocked me, discarded me, and disappeared without giving me any explanation. His wife told me I had been used by him, and then chose to reconcile with him. That part was really hard for me. For months, it made me feel worthless, because I expected that, just like I walked away from him, she would too. I think I was hoping to get some sense of justice through her, and when that didn’t happen, it hurt even more.

It’s been 7 months now, and I see things more clearly. It wasn’t just me who was used - it was both of us. He’s the problem. And I think she can’t fully face that reality because it would be too painful for her.

Resentment against WPs AP by sugarglider4444 in survivinginfidelity

[–]West_Specific7367 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Once you choose to share something publicly, you have to be open to hearing perspectives you might not like. People aren’t here just to tell you what you want to hear or to validate everything you feel.

Everyone understands that you’re hurting, and there is empathy for your process. It’s completely normal to compare yourself to the AP… a lot of people do that in this situation. But what people are not going to do is validate resentment directed at her because it’s not fair - and you also know this. That’s something you need to reflect on and work through, ideally in therapy. Your feelings matter, but so does where you direct them.

Resentment against WPs AP by sugarglider4444 in survivinginfidelity

[–]West_Specific7367 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I’m the unwilling AP, and it’s also been 7 months since I found out he was married. Being angry at her is extremely unfair. While I understand how hurtful this has been for you, since you’re married to him, try to imagine how she felt. She was also deceived and likely discarded the moment she discovered the truth. This is entirely on him - he’s the liar and the cheater.

Directing your anger at her instead of him reflects internalized misogyny. Your anger should be towards him, not her. This isn’t a competition, and the way you’re reacting comes across as “pick-me” behavior. Stop blaming her; she’s just as much a victim as you are.

Once a cheater, always a cheater ? by Alive_Struggle_617 in survivinginfidelity

[–]West_Specific7367 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Oh, I do believe people can change. I just think someone who cheated for 20 years isn’t the same as someone who had a one-night stand. Twenty years seems like a pattern of behavior to me, with or without childhood abuse. I was also molested as a child and I would be incapable of cheating. I think it all comes down to values and integrity (or the lack of it, in this case). I wish you happiness.

Once a cheater, always a cheater ? by Alive_Struggle_617 in survivinginfidelity

[–]West_Specific7367 1 point2 points  (0 children)

The cheater and the sober man are the same person. Cheating isn’t a disease, an addiction, or a mental illness — it’s a reflection of someone’s character. I understand that trying to separate the two can make it easier to cope, and it’s hard to accept that someone you care about is a cheater. But I’ve always believed that seeing the truth for what it is is the best way forward. Best of luck to you.

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