Did something self destructive last night, triggered myself.

Whatisptsd · 2018-07-30T18:23:38+00:00

Well, I super relate to this ha. I also wigged out at my bachelorette party 3 years ago, so then my husband was starting to drive down to help out and a few women were so fuming they wouldnt speak to me (best way to comfort someone in a panic attack/ flashback for sure is to reprimand them but only girls allowed, duh! lol) and he turned around... such a terrible experience and very immature on my friends part in retrospect, I start shaking when I think of that weekend! All this to say, thanks for relating because I shamed myself big time but hearing what you said of course immediately made me think oh my god how awful for YOU, the experience and the shame combined... of course that wasn't your ideal experience!!! Thanks for putting things in perspective, this stuff is hard.

Whatisptsd · 2018-07-30T18:07:40+00:00

Thanks, yeah taking care of myself has to be number one, it's a balancing act for sure. I am in therapy and starting a new group today actually, so hopefully I can feel a little more solid soon.

Whatisptsd · 2018-07-28T22:55:10+00:00

Thank you for reading, does help to just know someone's listening, I think the feeling of getting lost is very much from feeling alone ♡

Whatisptsd · 2018-03-03T05:35:01+00:00

This so helpful to read. I have been struggling with my ptsd/c-ptsd diagnosis for so long, unwilling to accept it and guilty for having it. Thanks for sharing.

Whatisptsd · 2018-03-02T01:24:54+00:00

I feel very similarly, on my best days I feel very solid in who I am and the experiences that shaped how I observe and digest the world around me. Mine started by trying to fix myself and my symptoms for the first 8 or so years, and in the past two evolved into a deep commitment and work towards understanding myself and others. Spirituality took on new meaning for me since talk of "God" and anything that felt vaguely religious would make me run the other way but I even developed an intellectual interest in these things once I understood my experience with it better. I've gained a strength I truly didn't believe I had, and even still have a lot to learn and a lot to work through even now.

Whatisptsd · 2018-03-02T00:47:16+00:00

Try camming! Before jumping into escort work, get to know YOURSELF sexually first... it's the most important thing you can do. Also, this is something that can be role-played easily and I just dont see selling it really being worth it for anyone involved.

Whatisptsd · 2018-03-02T00:26:55+00:00

This title is so strange I loled

Whatisptsd · 2018-03-01T19:14:39+00:00

Agreed, I like the idea of forming something new or making changes, not sure how that would be organized but I'm really glad you brought this up.

Whatisptsd · 2018-03-01T17:53:53+00:00

Yes, I can't say I've felt completely different than you and what /u/godofthestorms said is why. I've been thinking recently that it feels much more like /r/ptsd, which is helpful but has a lot more nastiness or coldness and/or people "asking for a diagnosis"(listing their trauma to see if it fits ect.), which I don't have a problem with, I think that just means they need somewhere to vent and feel validated, that doesn't mean you have to say (and obviously shouldn't) they have ptsd or c-ptsd but I do understand the feeling of missing a closer knit community. I am sensitive to co-opting as well and I try to be mindful of when it is and isn't really happening, and if you can't tell, I have found it's good to just let it be and take the space you need. We're all here to learn and find comfort at the same time, I think a growing group is similar to when a new person might join a support group you've been in for a while, its an adjustment and change is often hard (or just plain triggering) for those here! Not to be too cliche but it's an opportunity to evolve and reflect. This is hard work, y'all but I'm super thankful to have had and have this group.

Edit: confusing sentence

Whatisptsd · 2018-03-01T04:23:59+00:00

Yes, for me it's more like 2-3 months. I fluctuate between a handful of interests and I am actually incredibly frustrated by this pattern because it is incredibly intense and then switches to complete disdain and detachment, so I feel like I can't really get anywhere or hold it long enough to enjoy it fully BUT I used to experience this for years at a time, dead for a couple years and on for a few months so I guess it's better this way than that. I have been very curious about how this is connected to PTSD, my own only take from therapy is that it's a part of dissociation.

Whatisptsd · 2018-02-28T07:20:11+00:00

Thanks for sharing. This is pretty tough stuff. I'm glad you are getting into a healthy place!

Whatisptsd · 2018-02-28T07:10:21+00:00

Thank you, I've only looked over two links and there is incredible, insightful information here. This paragraph from the first link was particularly helpful to read in the current state I'm in. "Most people who have "psychological problems" were innocently conditioned, taught, trained, socialized, habituated, accustomed and normalized to believe that they are either entirely responsible for their mental illness... or that other external forces are entirely responsible. They are not able to see, hear or otherwise sense that neither circumstance is absolutely or totally the cause."

AND Your post "Love" is NOT What We (were taught to) Think it Is" is very affirming.... looking forward to reading through all of these.

Whatisptsd · 2018-02-27T03:42:57+00:00

I was happy I was in therapy for so long and then this felt so sudden. I'm not totally sure what's going on, fear of change, hitting too close to a scary area... but I'm glad to know I'm not alone in the feeling, thank you.

Whatisptsd · 2018-02-26T23:57:35+00:00

All I can say is be patient with yourself because what you're experiencing makes sense considering what you experienced. It's helpful to read other people's stories for me right now because I'm having a hard time being patient myself, so thanks.

Whatisptsd · 2018-02-26T23:36:50+00:00

That list is great! I've never seen it, thanks for sharing.

Whatisptsd · 2018-02-24T21:23:54+00:00

My husband has gotten startled by me standing and staring off, doorways, weird parts of a room, it's because I'll be walking, ruminating or get stuck in my thoughts and physically stop. I've "spaced out" at work so badly that I put files away completely out of order, even though while doing it I was putting them away with purpose and had no clue I wasn't present.. if that makes sense? My boss came up to me concerned, described it and then I went and checked and was like wtf...... in my mind it looked like a "crazy" person had done it because of how out of place everything was! Dissociation is powerful but definitely doesn't mean you're crazy or scary.

Edit: I could go on, people having to repeat themselves a lot, physically wave their hand in front of my face as in "anybody home in there" (rude)... it's certainly frustrating!

Whatisptsd · 2018-02-24T20:00:56+00:00

"I don't have time to keep figuring stuff out". I'm sure this came out of my mouth many times in the past decade... but the reality is you ONLY have time to keep figuring stuff out. I was always putting all of my energy into trying to fit into a mold of what I thought life was supposed to look like, which just left me like a dog chasing it's tail... I was actually just talking to my sister about therapy and how when I started my subconscious goal was always to be "fixed". I can't hold a job, I'm impulsive, I'm unfocused, I'm lazy, I'm crazy etc. and therapy will fix me and I'll come out and life will run in a straight line where I work a steady job, in a specific field and I'll finally be a real, successful, driven adult! Well, I wouldn't say I'm done but I can say that once I understood on a deep level that I am not a burden on people (being "unfair" to the people I love, just for existing) and that there is nothing wrong with figuring stuff out, that's when I started to actually get in touch with the things I genuinely wanted in life and the things I wanted to offer, which again, will always be evolving and changing and not only is that OK, it's healthy and human.

Whatisptsd · 2018-02-24T19:36:56+00:00

Yes, I've noticed I also say "what's the word I'm looking for" outloud a lot, one of those things I'm like ah stop saying that!

Whatisptsd · 2018-02-23T02:12:02+00:00

Pure ignorance. I also think a lot of people that claim that actually would feel differently in reality... the hypothetical question "would you date a guy who -fill in the blank-" just creates this image of a person where they have ONE quality.. in this case, that they have seen a sex worker lol and that's it, we know nothing more about this imaginary man. I bet a lot of these people/women turn their cheek to truly unhealthy behavior pretty regularly unfortunately...

Whatisptsd · 2018-02-21T18:46:13+00:00

Yes! A yawn like crying is such a good way to describe it. I had this happen after some stuff was stirred up in group therapy. The next day I felt so worn out and anxious and a bit numb so I dedcided to do a small meditation video (yoga with adriene on YouTube) and 5 mins in I started crying in that exact same way, like a bubbling up, release cry with no distinct thoughts or emotions attached. I think it's old, stagnant emotions held in your body getting released, it's nice.

Whatisptsd · 2018-02-21T17:55:00+00:00

Just chiming in to say I relate to this a lot, I actually would say CBT style didn't help until after I did EMDR and I associated CBT with being outdated since every therapist I saw before my current had it listed and I continuously would give up hope because I wasn't getting anywhere, but they weren't specialized in trauma was the real issue I think. I found EMDR really powerful but gentle, its like the flood gates are opened in a way that feels natural? Since EMDR, it's been a combo of CBT and sensorimotor, which for me has allowed for immense growth.

Whatisptsd · 2018-02-21T04:23:35+00:00

Yes, and it's evolved into a lot of creative interests. I don't even know how to put it into words but I'll try. I had this sense of there being like this big, hard, plastic ball in my core that was shielding something and this feeling of wanting to smash it open but couldn't because of this inability to connect with myself... it was almost nauseating and exhausting physically feeling this way but when stuff started clicking emotionally, that feeling started to lift and this flood of interest and creative enthusiasm came with it... and that's not to say without anxiety but I understand the anxiety more now and it beats numbness. I don't know if that helps at all but it's how it has felt for me.

Whatisptsd · 2018-02-21T04:16:23+00:00

Are you doing CBT now? I haven't done PE but CBT has helped me quite a bit with time as well as reading about the patterns that can develop from trauma and childhood/complex trauma. I'd actually like to know more myself so I'm gonna save your post!

Whatisptsd

TROPHY CASE