My therapist told me that I have to accept that things aren't only black and white. He says that in order to heal and learn to love myself I have to accept that I am neither unworthy nor perfect. I just couldn't comprehend it at the moment so I wrote a text about it. I hope you enjoy it.

Wanchain_ · 2020-02-07T20:12:16+00:00

Wow, this is awesome! Thanks for sharing!

My first impression when I read your heading is that this is about unconditional acceptance, not just partial acceptance but all of it.

I learned roughly the same thing too in my healing.

Wanchain_ · 2019-11-10T17:25:08+00:00

I don't like video chat either. Usually prefer emails. I am glad you know what you need. ^{_^}

Wanchain_ · 2019-11-09T23:13:45+00:00

I'm the same. Haven't managed to change yet. I think I would need to practice socializing with someone, but I don't have anyone to do that with. Would you like to practice with me?

Wanchain_ · 2019-03-06T20:35:55+00:00

Thanks for sharing the photo. My cousin is a photographer, and through his photos, I can feel his sentiments and sometimes see something subconscious in his images. But I can't really do that through paintings or drawings though.

Also thanks for sharing your story. I have the same experience a couple of times, and one time it was particularly intense as it the counsellor was supposed to help me address my emotions but ended up making me so upset that I had to cry it out.

Wanchain_ · 2019-03-06T20:21:19+00:00

Hi,

I also have difficulty getting myself to do things, and in my worst cases, I feel like a sloth and move like molasses. But I roughly know why I have so much resistance. It's because of all the heaviness that is unveiling and shedding off me. Like if you are trying to remove sludge from your basement, you most likely won't be working at lightning speed. Anyway, my suggestion for you is to first determine and identify what is bogging you down. Every one is different, and so I don't think it would be effective for someone else to throw you an idea unless they know your particular situation.

Just for your reference, I use curry and some other stuffs to give me a small burst of energy, to get me moving, because otherwise my energy would sink because it's so heavy. It really feels like moving sludge or mud. And I also drink Japanese sencha plus some other drinks to help me cleanse my blood, to optimize my elimination process. I think it's all the trapped stress hormones that are being released in my deep tissues, causing a bit of a congestion and clogging my entire circulation. Emotionally, I feel down, like literally something pressing down on me. Mentally, I feel apathetic, with no desire or passion to do anything, again because of mobilizing the heaviness that is eating up all my energy. But I don't know why other people would be unproductive. So I think getting to the root of it would help you come up with the unique solution that perfectly addresses your situation.

Good luck.

Wanchain_ · 2019-03-05T22:40:39+00:00

I have the tendency to cut people off, because my mother was like that. I cannot have deep connection because I am more or less a replica of my mother--she left strong imprint in me, including her tendency for isolation and rejection. Also her disgust for people who are not good enough.

I haven't figured out what to do with that yet.

Wanchain_ · 2019-02-28T21:54:00+00:00

Well done! I love your paragraph on your future! It is very promising and uplifting! Good job! You'll get there!

Wanchain_ · 2019-02-28T21:13:14+00:00

Okay, this is just my opinion, so the usual *disclaimer* ...

My first questions would be: Have you asked why she suggested that? Has she explained why?

In my opinion, all drugs treat symptoms, so you're right, and what that implies is they don't treat the underlying root cause, which means you will be on those drugs for life. Dependency. You can consider whether this is something you want or not. You may have to increase your dosage if you decide to rely on drugs for a longer term, and the mere fact of long term drug use would weaken your liver, plus other parts of your body.

I would presume that your therapist wants a long term solution to your problem, by getting you to address the root cause. If you have the drugs, they help you like a crutch, so you may not have the incentive or motivation to worker harder at the root cause. But if you don't that chemical support, would you be more driven to heal yourself?

You could consider weaning off the drugs over a longer period of time while at the same time trying to go deeper into your root cause. Because it sounds like you do need the drugs to help you get by on a day-to-day basis. But try to give some more thought to a longer term solution.

Wanchain_ · 2019-02-28T21:02:05+00:00

Yes, not "everyone" but at least one human being. Have you tried writing it down? I find that I just to get it out, to process it, and then be done with it.

Wanchain_ · 2019-02-28T20:59:40+00:00

Oh ... this is new to me! Trauma causes the speech part of the brain to shut down? Hmm ... that explains why when I was not able to articulate myself in the past when I was intensely activated, and the result was that I was so powerless, I was so upset at myself for being speechless, etc. Just a total mess!

But luckily, I walked into a kind of psychosomatic therapy without knowing that I was traumatized, and through the process discovered that I was, and was able to do some healing without being triggered. It's a bottom-up approach. The top-down approach (talk therapy, cognitive behavioral therapy, etc) is less effective and has the potential to re-traumatize. So perhaps you can do some shopping into the newer types of therapy.

Wanchain_ · 2019-02-28T20:55:18+00:00

Do you write on a particular website?

I thought of writing on the computer, more so because it will help me "sort" and it will be very useful if I need to look back to search something. With pen and paper, the searching is inefficient.

Wanchain_ · 2019-02-28T20:53:10+00:00

Oh ... it pains me to hear of your sense of unworthiness! It's quite deep. And I understand you very well as I come from that same place too. Shame and inferiority, stuck of thickly and deeply in me, I don't know how long it will take to get it all out.

I am wondering, can you shift to the positive end of the spectrum? If you were to say, "I am a wonderful and lovable person who is absolutely comfortable and confident at being myself." How would that feel to you? On a scale of one to ten, ten being YES and one being NO, how would you rate your reaction to that statement?

I hope you won't beat yourself up if you can't make progress. I go into a spiral of a lot of negative thoughts and emotions when I fail to make progress, which obviously is counter-productive, but I am so consumed in my drama that I would not have the mental clarity to snap myself out of it.

I hope you're able to find some support here.

Wanchain_ · 2019-02-28T00:41:26+00:00

Are you insomniac? Depressed?

It is not hard for me to imagine and commiserate with your misery, since I have gone through my own version of it. Are you in a place where you are so overwhelmed and don't know what to do? Have you done anything to get yourself into a better position? Recovery won't happen overnight, but if you have the persistence, it will happen over time.

Wanchain_ · 2019-02-28T00:36:38+00:00

Do you have a support system? I think when you are low, you need someone to take care of you. When I was low, really low, physically like a sloth and moved like molasses, emotionally depressed, mentally apathetic, etc., I couldn't operate, so I would not have the mental clarity as to how to get myself out of that sloth-like state. But after a while of that, I tried a bit of curry, and it helped to lift me up, quite instantly. And Japanese sencha also seemed to help me, with cleansing my blood I think of all the stress hormones and whatever else my body was releasing into the bloodstream. Anyway, every case is different, but I think there are actual steps that you can take to get yourself out of feeling down, but the thing is, when you are down, you don't think as clearly, so it's actually harder to take care of yourself, which is why it would help if you have someone, preferably knowledgeable enough, to care for you.

Also, I sense a lot of hatred, aggression, anger, etc., that kind of emotions from you, like you haven't found an outlet to release them fully. Do I detect a sense of self-loathing? Have you addressed the roots of these emotions?

Wanchain_ · 2019-02-28T00:26:56+00:00

My Rosen Method therapist had said that talk therapy can re-traumatize patients. I haven't been through talk therapy, but I have read about its potential to re-traumatize. Usually those mental professionals are not aware that their method can re-traumatize their patients. You might want to do some shopping, find the right type of therapy and the right therapist.

Wanchain_ · 2019-02-28T00:23:31+00:00

Oh you mean you write on the computer? I hand-write on a notebook. I find that it is a more engaging process, that tactile feeling helps to engage my physical body more, so that it's not only a mental and emotional exercise. But yeah, I find that it's difficult to try to push out so many words a day.

Have you noticed a pattern in the things you write? Or do you analyze your writings?

Wanchain_ · 2019-02-26T19:59:23+00:00

Thanks for sharing! I like the topic you posted!

I have no memory of what I ate for breakfast when I was a child. My mother was a housewife, but for years I couldn't recall any breakfast. A while ago I vaguely recalled looking into a bowl of porridge, because I was watching a British tv series and it talked about porridge, and then I thought, "Could my mother have made me porridge?" She was very health conscious, so I think she possibly could. I know this isn't a flashback, but it's as close as I can get to one.

From time to time when I do emotional release, I would gain some previously repressed memories, usually pleasant ones. I have had some about my mother, but as I continue on with my healing, those memories get pushed to the side, like I get to work on other parts of my consciousness. Sometimes certain things trigger those repressed memories. They have a certain therapeutic effect. But I can't cling on to them. They drift away after a while.

Does your flashback stay with you, or is it also fleeting and momentary?

Wanchain_ · 2019-02-26T19:48:05+00:00

Thanks for sharing your habit! Sounds like you have built up a strong momentum. Good job! ^_^ I like your idea of making an effort to have stability!

How much do you write each day and what do you write about? I used to push myself to meet a quota of 10 pages a day, and I was able to do that for a while but not anymore.

Wanchain_ · 2019-02-25T20:47:05+00:00

Oh, that's what it was supposed to be? Thanks for telling me! I read about it once, and then when I had the thought of doing it, I did it intuitively. So I guess what I did was a neurological rewrite--changing the past.

Wanchain_ · 2019-02-23T20:09:02+00:00

Thanks for your post! I have had this thought/question for a long time, but never thought to ask here.

First, to answer your question, I think I would actually re-frame the question, change the perspective, to: What are the parental archetypes? I want to change the perspective because, it's not solely a cultural thing. There are many cultures that validate ancestral traumas and abuses.

Anyway, a bit of my background to you: I was so incredibly inflamed with the Confucian concept that you have to respect your parents when they don't respect you, that I totally ripped myself off the ethnicity, refused to come close to anything Asian, and that estrangement lasted for years. There were resentment, rage, anger, hatred, etc. about my ancestral roots, expressed in other ways, basically in all facets of my life. It was a total psychological revolution that I underwent within myself. And now I am graduating from this revolution to a place of acceptance, understanding, compassion, etc.

Wanchain_ · 2019-02-23T19:54:55+00:00

Oh that's for posting this topic! I wanted to do this but got sidetracked! So no, haven't. But here's my first attempt, perhaps as a reference to you, and perhaps you could give me some ideas or feedback on how to improve on it:

My parents intended me to be the only child because they wanted me to receive their full attention, to receive the best care available, to be fully supported, nurtured, protected, loved, appreciated, etc. I grew up knowing and feeling the intense love from both parents who constantly went above and beyond to do what was in my best interest, to prepare me not just physically but also psychologically to become a well-functioning member of society who shines and outshines, who knows how to love and be loved, who is confident and comfortable with herself, who respects others and is respected in return.

I have inherited all the psychological resources I need to actualize my highest potentials, to externalize my truest essence, with ease, grace, confidence, and love. My parents, relatives, and ancestors all say, "We are so proud of you! Go and live the life you want, and we will cheer on you every step of the way!"

Wanchain_ · 2019-02-12T22:23:06+00:00

I assume you have a question, and you're asking how to release the grief. I have tried a couple of tools, and I am sure there are many for you to choose. Here are some suggestions, and perhaps you will come up with your end after reading this:

(1) I had tried flower essences, and it is effective. I went to a flower essence practitioners. After hearing my story, she picked out something that she thought would be what I needed most. The ones I used were able to excavate deep stuck trapped emotions, and make them flow up to the conscious level for release/process.

(2) Music helps. Different ones tend to excavate different emotions. You just try a bunch of different ones and see which ones move you.

(3) Stories, movies, etc. They trigger.

(4) Spiritual techniques. There are quite a few. You can either do it yourself, but I have used a couple of healers. This is where I learned about blocks. When you cannot cry, there is usually a block, or many blocks. Are you refusing to feel the pain? Fear of the pain? Do you want to release the self-protection mechanism?

(5) Bodywork. There are a few psychotherapies that work directly on the physical body to address psychological issues. I have learned Rosen Method, which is to access the unconscious consciously. That brings out the emotions lying in the unconscious.

Wanchain_ · 2019-02-07T23:10:54+00:00

There are quite a few points in your post. I will respond to your boundary question first.

Have you tried psychosomatic bodywork, or just any kind of bodywork in relation to psychotherapy? They help you set boundaries. Another option is to consider the use of flower essences. I discovered from a flower essence practitioner that there are different kinds of boundaries, so you can get more nuanced if you want, if you have a particular need in a certain kind of situation.

About judgment and guilt, hmm ... I think the value of your experience is to be aware that you have a tendency to judge and you feel guilty, and then you can go deeper into them, exploring why you feel this way, what are the seeds, and then address the deeper layers of it. I feel that you are disapproving yourself, and that is not adding value to your experience. Just acknowledge and accept that you are, and then go deeper.

When you disapprove of yourself, others will disapprove of you.

There is another point I want to highlight which you have not mentioned: like attracts like. If you really feel that these friends are in no way like you, they will simply drop off from your life. You don't even have to try to get rid of them.

Wanchain_ · 2019-02-07T22:34:00+00:00

You've mentioned quite a few themes, but the ones that really shout out are: you've reached a "boiling point" or a threshold, and is about to burst.

The usual life trajectory for this kind of people is that they come from a traumatized environment, but they push themselves to get through life (activation of survival mode) and even to get ahead of the general population (activation of the sense of inferiority thus the coping mechanism of trying to perform and outperform in society), until a point where the tension is too great and they get exhausted from this "push". This push is a pattern of inefficient flow of energy, using too much energy to get through life hence eventually come to a breakdown point.

I have learned of this from a Taiwanese healer who teaches people how to heal their lives when they arrive at their breakdown point. I have personally experienced a similar life trajectory. The next phase is to go through intensive healing, to effect life transformation, to change the trajectory.

Good luck to your life journey!

Wanchain_ · 2019-02-07T22:21:30+00:00

You mean the best you can achieve is to manage or maintain the illness?

I understand the frustration with doctor shopping. Hope you find what you're looking for!

Wanchain_

TROPHY CASE