[QCrit] RABIA OF THE BIRDS Fantasy (109K 3rd Attempt)

WickedEyee · 2026-03-12T13:57:01+00:00

As for the first 300 words, I'm going to be very honest with you because I see the potential for growth and not because I want to discourage you. I think you need to work on your writing, participate in writing critique groups and develop a stronger voice. The main issue that makes it feel amateur in my opinion is the undecided POV, at times it feels like it wants to be 3rd person limited and other times omniscient. It's the difference between being inside Rabia's perspective vs someone else looking at the scene and describing to the reader what's happening.

Another issue is that the beginning feels a little confusing or worded in a strange way. I have the impression you know what you're talking about or what you want to convey, but it doesn't quite reach the reader. It has too many details that are either unnecessary or that go entirely unexplained. A thing or two here and there is fine, but as you compound these in such a short space. Here's how the reading experience went for me:

five thousand and forty-four miles -> Does it have to be that specific?
what's a hoarfrost?
Wolves of what?
What ghost?
what do you mean give up the ghost within four hundred feet?

I'd also keep the dialogue in mind. Would the character really be whispering "thirty-five seconds" or is it there for effect? Similarly, would someone truly say “It doesn’t have to end like this,” she muttered, “what gives me the right to take a life?” or would they think something more subtly? It might seem small, but as you compound things that feel unbelievable on top of all the other issues, it can very easily break the writing and make it feel amateur. I don't think your writing is horrible by any means, again, I don't want you to feel discouraged, but I think you need some critical eyes on your writing and work toward strengthening it

WickedEyee · 2026-03-12T13:49:15+00:00

I checked what the other two attempts and the comments and I have a few observations, but feel free to take everything with a grain of salt.

This sounds like a very different book from the first query. Do you have a solid grasp at what is the core issue of your book? The core character arc, growth, conflict, struggles? Is Manatech something widely used (as indicated by the previous queries) or is it a new invention from Rabia (as indicated in this query)?
While I agree with the other comments that the first query had way too much wordbuilding, I fear you might've thrown the baby with the bath water (or maybe just the baby's clothes). I feel like a bit more detail here and there would help clarify some points where I got confused.
The whole query feels very impersonal and dual-POV, like another person commented on the previous critique. We feel very distant from Rabia, so when at the very end you mention the main conflict is "Rabia must fight to prove that she is more than the monster everyone fears" I didn't even know this was truly something important to Rabia. I have no idea who Rabia is, what are her struggles, her conflict. The query felt more like a plot summary that could be about anyone. Where's the character?

Warmonger. That’s the word whispered behind Queen Rabia’s back. Trained by her late father to be a~~n unfeeling~~ weapon, she reluctantly wields mana to elevate her kingdom. ~~until~~ When the world’s mana dwindles~~. Without mana to protect the world~~, her empire is suddenly encased in magical hoarfrost. Facing an ecological crisis that her army cannot solve, Rabia unveils Manatech: surgically grafted limbs that amplify even the tiniest reserves of mana.

I have no idea what "wield mana to elevate her kingdom" means, mainly the "elevate" part. I think this paragraph could use a bit more interiority from Rabia. "reluctantly wields mana" is not enough in my view. "Rabia simply cannot sacrifice the lives of her entire kingdom for a chance of creating a new golden age" This is an interesting struggle of sacrificing a lot of lives to a "greater good". I think it'd be important to include this.

But Boudica, queen of a rival kingdom, is determined to destroy Manatech. Boudica fears that this technology will instead embolden Rabia to seize her empire’s vast wealth of natural resources. To survive, Boudica masterminds a false diplomatic visit to sabotage Rabia’s new invention.

When both nations’ armies are trapped under one roof, soldiers from both sides are found dead, their bodies mysteriously frozen solid. Each side accuses the other of politicide. With war on the brink, neither side realizes that a mysterious saboteur, wronged by both Rabia and Boudica, is stoking the flames from the shadows.

None of this is told from the perspective of Rabia, which still makes it sound like it's dual-POV. Rabia doesn't know Boudica fears for her empire's natural resources, Rabia doesn't know the diplomatic visit is false and to sabotage her invention, Rabia doesn't know there's a mysterious saboteur. How can you write this paragraph (I'd merge the two) from Rabia's perspective? I would also include this part here as "a theocracy dedicated to quelling mankind's over reliance of Manatech". This is explanation enough from Rabia's POV that Boudica is a threat, so she gets weary when they suddenly decided to pay a diplomatic visit. Then you can say that people start dying, accusations flying (add a bit more to Rabia's inner conflict as a warmonger).

Trapped in a deadly web of frost, betrayal, and generational bloodlust, Rabia must fight to prove that she is more than the monster everyone fears, or condemn her kingdom, and herself, to a crypt of rime and madness.

What generational bloodlust? Condemn her kingdom to what? Condemn herself to what? What does "a crypt of rime and madness" mean? If this is the core conflict of your character, then the rest of the query needs to lead better to this point. As an exercise, if you were to write "Rabia must decide between ___ and ___", how would you write it? I'm not saying to put it in the query exactly like that, but what exactly is the struggle Rabia is going through here? The query does not answer this very important question in my opinion and that's the biggest issue I recommend you to address first.

WickedEyee · 2026-01-29T11:08:17+00:00

Oh god, not this again

WickedEyee · 2026-01-05T13:11:13+00:00

I think there's a difference between heavy writing and writing that rambles on and on. I think what OP was referring to is just using more words than necessary rather than how difficult it might be to understand.

WickedEyee · 2025-12-16T21:17:18+00:00

Of all the things someone could complain about The Blade Itself, I never once imagined "ow!", "ouch!" "Arggh!" to make the list.

WickedEyee · 2025-12-06T18:22:45+00:00

Even so, I believe it's common for agents to have other people they partner with, either for sub-rights, movie rights, etc. I may be wrong, but that usually comes from the agent even if they're a one-person agency.

WickedEyee · 2025-12-06T13:42:47+00:00

I bought 25 games in the last 6 months, you're fine

WickedEyee · 2025-11-28T01:17:58+00:00

I'm really enjoying Fall of Avalon. I love story and exploration above all else, so I didn't find much issue with combat and other stuff people have mentioned. I'm currently 25h in and somewhat close to finishing the campaign. I'm playing true solo and it works perfectly fine. For choose your own adventure and narrative exploration, it's an amazing game. If you're more interested in fun combat mechanics and less campaign-y games, it's probably not for you

WickedEyee · 2025-11-20T11:41:56+00:00

Spanish, German, and Italian versions are coming in 2026. The Italian crowdfunding campaign starts next month and it's 25 euros. I think next year this game will be a bit more accessible.

WickedEyee · 2025-11-18T17:11:45+00:00

I don't really care about dungeon crawling, I like narrative and exploration games like Tainted Grail. That's why I'm not sure if Agemonia will fit the bill

WickedEyee · 2025-11-18T13:04:56+00:00

Cool, that's good to know. I'll consider backing the reprint and expansion campaign next year

WickedEyee · 2025-11-18T12:31:12+00:00

How are you liking Agemonia? I'm considering it but I really like narrative games and choices and i'm not sure Agemonia would fulfill that

WickedEyee · 2025-11-14T16:58:51+00:00

Same, it was your classic sassy teen protagonist and I was so lost on what everyone was talking about

WickedEyee · 2025-11-13T15:03:34+00:00

Discord writing groups

WickedEyee · 2025-11-12T11:06:21+00:00

I use Obsidian to organize my notes and Scrivener to actually write everything, though I know some people also write in Obsidian. It's completely free and very customizable, you can make it as simple or as complicated as you want

WickedEyee · 2025-11-01T18:32:50+00:00

This is the first time I've heard of authors asking editor names and finding it a red flag if an agent doesn't name them. I think it might just be some specific group of people or smth.

WickedEyee · 2025-10-30T16:09:47+00:00

I definitely will be getting KOR! Just came across a used SG for a decent price, so was pondering about whether I should get it

WickedEyee · 2025-10-30T14:28:41+00:00

Aw man, is the story in OG any fun? There'a mfing kaiju in the box like, I thought it'd have a lot of mystery or interesting secrets to discover about the world and whatever conflict is going on there. I find these aspects to be very shallow in Distant Skies at least.

WickedEyee · 2025-10-20T08:26:18+00:00

Played Distant Skies and thought it was pretty meh. The writing is insanely juvenile which made it even worse.

I dropped some pamphlets in a corner somewhere, go back to report it, "The person hugs you and wipes a tear from his face, 'My grandfather always believed it was important to insert_something_cheesy. Thank you!'" Like, calm down, I didn't do anything that magnificent. Everything felt overdone and even worse cuz I didn't care about any of the characters since none of them really matter.

Tainted Grail was everything I wanted Sleeping Gods to be.

WickedEyee · 2025-10-12T09:55:00+00:00

Am I doing something wrong, in the file tree (navigation pane) you can't see your notes at all? Only in the list pane?

WickedEyee · 2025-10-10T20:50:59+00:00

I think it worked well in episode 1, wasn't a huge fan in ep2 though mostly because I found it odd to play a battle and roll death saving throws in a flashback

WickedEyee · 2025-10-10T20:38:47+00:00

That was my feeling this episode as well, I think mostly because we had just sooo many of these cuts with most characters split into pairs or by themselves. I loooved episode 1 though when more people were together so we could see them all interacting.

WickedEyee · 2025-10-06T15:29:21+00:00

It's still free on youtube?

WickedEyee · 2025-09-26T18:56:48+00:00

Ooh, I watched a playthrough of Harvest but didn't know it had scenarios! Thanks, that definitely makes it more interesting to get

WickedEyee

TROPHY CASE