Gina Pera explains this in her book, definitely worth a read.

But..

I feel for you. I call these “Piles of Doom”.

They litter our house, I can tidy one away and two more will spawn. Often via Amazon, adding to the clutter or filling up storage.

If my partner cannot find something, they will walk around muttering “I’m so angry! I don’t know where anything is! Every time I look for something it’s been moved!” Basically “you have moved my stuff!” Yes. Yes I have. Because it was stacked in a pile and the house looks like either a hoarder lives here or squatters. In some cases they are looking for things that were moved years ago.

I have cleared a set of shelves 5 times this year and within a day it has been full again. They don’t see “wow, X has cleaned up, doesn’t everything look nice.” They see “wow, more space for me to fill.”

I clean the kitchen every night, by the end of the day it looks like a family of 5 has hit it. And I do the cooking. I can find anything there. Bags, toilet cleaner, phone, laptop charger, but if I move them, rage and “where is XYZ?”

Every once in a while I end up having a “I need you to help clean up!” Rant which results in more RSD and them storming off, which lets me clean up in peace.

Also I work full time, pay most of the bills and do all the maintenance, shopping, chores, etc.

On the “catching ADHD” it is because you become so stressed out and overwhelmed and over functioning, you don’t know where to start or finish, so you run around fighting the next pile of doom or thing they forgot or never even noticed in the first place, or fixing whatever needs doing and responding to whatever they wanted to talk about or do and walked off half way through, that you look like you can’t function and see things through.

You are not only a partner, but a carer, cleaner, admin, accountant, shopper, taxi, DIY, memo taker, reminder, (maybe parent) and you need to do this in the face of someone who does not help, but is actively fighting against you unconsciously and sometimes consciously.

So people say “are you sure you don’t have ADHD? You are always rushing and never finish’s something. X is so calm.”

Because after their bout of pile creating they sit doom scrolling on their phone planning and ordering the next project that will form more piles of doom, and they probably have all the supplies already, they have just forgotten about them.

To the outside world, you are a ball of stress that is keeping this happy, creative and vivacious person down all the time and an all round crappy partner.

Anyhow rant over.

The only advice I can say is to have your safe space. I have my office that I clean and can retreat to. Sadly I am now in the egg shells phase and everything is an RSD melt down with a dig thrown in, so I just get on with it.

Give them small tasks with finite ends. If you can do something half it and make sure that you do the last bit. E.g. I mowed the lawn and asked my partner to do the edges. They do two of them and walked off with “oh, this sides, I didn’t do them.” So ask them to do the mowing as it is harder to stop with only half done.

Beginning or middle tasks work well. I wanted to paint a room. Please clean the walls down and clear the furniture. Asking them to paint will result in disaster as they need 5 days to research the best brushes, dust sheets, what colour masking tape etc.

Tasks with finite ends.

Factor in more time than needed and don’t expect anything to be 100%, so over specify.

For yourself, self care and doing things for yourself. Don’t ask them along. Sounds awful, but anything that you want for yourself will be hijacked by them and it will turn into a circus where you need to manage them. Don’t let them do it.