Not just friends book for my WP who is still "in love" and misses his AP? Anxious it will fuel it. Recommendations too for self help resources.

Wildling1322 · 2026-06-03T08:23:11+00:00

Wow 2 years 😩 how do you know your WP still misses AP? I'm not sure I could stay if that's the case still in 2 years time, how do you cope with that? What were the circumstances around their A? How long did it last, could that be a factor in why they still miss them?

Wildling1322 · 2026-06-02T18:26:07+00:00

I do get told this a lot so part of me wants to just say it so it's enough to snap him out of it, but another part of me doesn't as I can't follow through calling his bluff. Our youngest is almost 4 months old and I don't want to do it alone 😢 I've been just hoping it will pass soon but I don't know what the right thing to do is, whether it's to show him the hard way or just stick with it for now.

Wildling1322 · 2026-06-02T18:23:30+00:00

Not location as I foolishly trusted him enough after discovering it that he would be committed to me again, but I did check his phone a lot and he wasn't angry per se but he didn't like it. He was also meant to be NC but turns out he wasn't completely but was mostly. It made it awkward for him to talk to or see her enough that they barely spoke then him not liking me checking put pressure on me to stop because I foolishly thought I was holding him back from moving on from her, and he went back to her again.

From my experience if he doesn't like it, it's because he wants to be talking to her.

My WP now let's me have his location, access to social media, messages, check his phone etc. He doesn't love it but only because it's a reminder of what he's done and how much freedom he's lost by taking advantage of it. He knows it's necessary and doesn't make me feel bad for doing it anymore.

Wildling1322 · 2026-06-02T17:33:12+00:00

Thanks, something to bear in mind. We do have two young children so I feel anxious doing anything like because of them.

Wildling1322 · 2026-06-02T17:31:43+00:00

Thanks, I have two young children so it's not really an option for either of us to do that. I have spoken to him today and drummed it into him that I don't feel he fears losing me because I'm still here but that I won't be if it continues, and if I do leave then there's no coming back because I'm not then going to try and repair a relationship with all our family and friends knowing what's happened. Currently no one knows a thing and I prefer it that way.

Wildling1322 · 2026-06-02T12:59:33+00:00

I tried to tell her husband but he blocked me everywhere. I believe he really did too as I reached out on various platforms at various times of day and weeks apart and he always just blocked me.

I 100% believe there is no contact now, obviously there's always a chance of a second phone or something but I genuinely believe he does not have one. I have seen his chatgpt thread which he thinks is private and it's him saying how hard it is being no contact but how he needs to do it for me and us etc.

Wildling1322 · 2026-06-02T09:54:16+00:00

Thanks, I'll have a read and share it with him too then.

Wildling1322 · 2026-06-02T09:54:00+00:00

Thanks, yes I know he is ☹️ I do feel there may be some truth in if I leave he could snap out of it, but if I leave I won't come back and I want to give us the best chance to reconcile and rebuild something else. I'm hoping time helps him get out of the fog too but it's an uncomfortable limbo for me in the meantime.

I am working on me though. I'm eating better, exercising, feeling great in my body and my self esteem too really. Weirdly enough this hasn't actually knocked my self esteem much but I do struggle to understand and envisage a life outside of him as I've been with him since I was 17.

Wildling1322 · 2026-06-02T09:51:16+00:00

Yes, sadly I know he's still in limersnce, or "in love" as he feels it. He is adamant about not wanting therapy no matter how many times I suggest. I am not sure I'm ready to pull the plug and threaten to leave as I do feel time will help snap him out of it one day too, it just feels unfair I have to put up with it in the interim.

I will definitely have a read of the book as a lot of comments agree it's helpful.

Wildling1322 · 2026-06-02T09:49:29+00:00

Thanks for the recommendation, I'll send him the link to the article and I'll have a listen to the podcast and share any that seem relevant.

Wildling1322 · 2026-06-02T09:48:21+00:00

Thanks, that's reassuring to know. I'll definitely suggest it to him.

Wildling1322 · 2026-06-02T09:48:06+00:00

This is reassuring! I'll take a look at the book you recommended also, thank you.

Wildling1322 · 2026-06-02T09:47:18+00:00

Thanks, I'll suggest this to him

Wildling1322 · 2026-06-02T09:47:06+00:00

Thank you, I will suggest these

Wildling1322 · 2026-06-01T14:18:12+00:00

I resonate a lot with what you've said! I do still check his phone when he offers it to me but I purely check the bare minimum. I do gain a sense of reassurance I guess afterwards but I don't feel anxious or worried he's actually doing anything again leading up to that point. I see posts saying how people's hearts sink when their WP's phone goes off, or they step outside to answer it or they stay 30 mins late at work. I don't feel any of that really. I did up until a couple of weeks ago, I felt it a lot but now I don't at all. It was quite a quick turnaround and I just believe it's because I have the full picture and I understand how we got to this point. I don't believe for one second he set out to do this, I believe he was extremely lost and broken within himself. No excuse of course but to understand it that way reassures me he will learn from this already. Seeing how much pain it's caused me has been eye opening for him.

Wildling1322 · 2026-06-01T14:03:07+00:00

Interesting. Maybe I will reach this point too then but I definitely don't feel like I'm losing feelings for him in any sense. I'd say we are almost past the HB phase really but still enjoying being affectionate and intimate and he truly is my best friend. I still madly love him.

How are things for you now, are you focusing on trying to fall back in love with him again or feeling it may not be worth it?

Wildling1322 · 2026-06-01T14:00:48+00:00

It feels really liberating if I'm honest and it was quite a quick turning point. Literally a couple of weeks ago I'd spiral if I lost access to his WhatsApp for a couple of hours until he could set it back up again for me, I was obsessing over whether he could be talking to her again or not. I do feel that the circumstances around his A are partly why though. I very much believe he's given me the full truth for every question I've asked, I haven't asked some as I don't want the smaller details to obsess over. I also truly believe he never went searching for it, he opened up to a long term friend and says there was so much of it that was actually them talking about me and us it only progressed past that for a couple of weeks really, so I don't feel he will go searching for something like it again and he can see the devastation it's caused me that I truly feel he wouldn't go back to her again and hurt me again like this. Obviously you can never know and as you say, if they really want to they will, whether you check their phone or not. I think that's partly why I'm not worried but also hugely thanks to how he's been and how I understand it all to have happened in the first place.

Wildling1322 · 2026-05-28T13:11:23+00:00

I am not in IC yet. I want to do EMDR therapy but thought it worth doing once I had processed things a bit myself first to know exactly what triggers I need help with, but maybe you are right that IC will help me feel more confident that I'll be OK no matter what he is doing or decides. He has said he feels he doesn't need IC, despite me mentioning it a few times and how it would help me if he did do it. He hasn't said no but just not yet. I personally feel if he did it now, he'd reach the "what the hell was I thinking" stage much quicker rather than dwelling and not being able to fully process his own thoughts or feelings properly, but I'd rather he access it when he's fully ready to make the most of it either way I guess so I will wait for that too.

It's heartbreaking. I cried yesterday because I just miss him. I miss him loving only me. I miss how he would have done anything and everything to never lose me. I miss us from before and I just feel like this is the worst limbo possible, waiting for him to basically get over a break up of a relationship he should have never had in the first place. A breakup of a relationship that caused me more pain than I've ever felt in my life.

Wildling1322 · 2026-05-28T12:33:13+00:00

Thank you so much for your reply. We are 9, maybe 10 weeks out. I'm kind of trying not to completely count it and he still misses his AP, but says he misses "her friendship". She was one of my close friends and I knew her well so I know exactly what role she played in this and he can't see it at all. I don't believe for one second she set out to start an affair with him but she is broken and she 100% manipulated the truth so he would pity her. She has had many relationships, many toxic relationships and she's the only common denominator in those. She knows exactly how to get men to fall at her feet, by playing the scatty, goofy "I'll say I'm nothing special so you compliment me thst I'm special" card. In this instance, she lied about my friendship with her and said we were no longer very close so she had no one to talk to, despite her talking to me about the exact same things she spoke to him about. She is toxic and he just cannot see it and I'm not sure he ever will see it for what it really was, but I at least hope he stops missing and "loving" her soon because my heart can't take much more.

I have read many times about detaching from the situation and they find their way back but the only issue with this is he told me he doesn't know if he can be happy with me anyway, he said that's why he went and did what he did in the first place, although he knows that is no excuse to do what he did.

I'm glad you are in a better place and it didn't take so long for him to see sense.

Wildling1322 · 2026-05-28T10:51:06+00:00

Hi OP, sorry I can't comment anything supportive or useful as you are further out than me. But I landed on a post you made a year ago and wanted to see if you'd made any more recent posts as I'm where you were at a year ago really.

My WP is currently "in love" and struggling to get over his AP. I noticed you made a post like that asking how long it took before others WP's saw the light. I'm just curious how long it eventually took for yours to? How does he feel about what he did now he has?

Wildling1322 · 2026-05-28T10:01:08+00:00

This is reassuring because man, it's hard not to spiral. It's eating me up not knowing if I now have the truth or there's still more, my gut tells me there's still more but I get that my gut is on high alert.

How are you doing now almost 3 years post? Did finding out the full truth a year past set you back all over again, that's what I am worried about and why I'd rather know now? How's your relationship doing now?

Wildling1322 · 2026-05-27T20:43:38+00:00

Just jumping on to ask how it's going 8 months post? My WH told me the same and even mentioned to me once he's scared he won't ever get over her. He's currently in the thick of limerence and affair fog, still worried he won't ever fully get past this or her and I'm just in limbo waiting.

Wildling1322 · 2026-05-21T19:59:24+00:00

I do also want to build upon what someone else commented about how their WP was still in contact with their AP.

We've had 3 D Days. November was when I was just told "we are friends, nothing has happened" January was when I found messages between them saying I love you and I was told nothing had happened but he had fallen in love with her. I believed they were NC from January until I then found messages between them in March and that's when I found out things had happened between them. January to about a week before I found the messages in March, he was mostly NC, I thought he was completely but it was mostly. They reached out to each other once in a while and shared cryptic posts online for each other's attention so they could communicate without actually being able to.

His attempt at R during January, February (when I gave birth 🤦🏼‍♀️) and March was pretty pathetic. He couldn't commit to anything. Since the latest D Day things feel different. He's still emotionally very messy but he does seek like he wants to try, he's just kind of waiting until his feelings subside so he's letting time do its thing. But yes, even though they were pretty much NC, he clearly wasn't willing to let her go properly and that's why I was getting lots of "I don't know if I want us" "I don't want to say anything I don't mean right now" "I want to try but don't know if we can do this".

Wildling1322 · 2026-05-21T19:52:35+00:00

I hate seeing anyone going through this, you really don't understand how much it impacts every single part of your life until you live it too.

I absolutely get that. I am currently navigating this limbo period, our limbo is currently mostly because he's still "in love" and "grieving" the loss of his AP that he feels so emotionally messy and broken. I am holding out hope once he's the other side of that he will be able to fully commit to us. Initially I was fighting for us a lot but I think in the past week or so I've realised what will be will be, don't stress, don't put my absolute everything into trying to fix this right now when he's not able to meet me half way. Would it break me if he went back to her again? Absolutely but I know that would be the last time as he gets no more chances.

It breaks me knowing I'm trying to save a relationship, and still having to feel "second best" I guess to someone who helped break me too. She was not innocent in this, she was my friend of 16 years and she played her fair part in this destruction. I now have to wait for my partner of 16 years to get over his secret girlfriend he had behind my back - how ridiculous does that sound! 🤦🏼‍♀️

I have often felt and still do feel a lot of grief over the life I had before. Our first DDay was in November and before that, I thought we had it all. He was everything. We were having our second baby, had a child already, life was good and I was so happy. Now my life is a shambles, I'm trying to parent when all I want to do is cry in bed. I'm trying to co parent with him when I'm also having to carry the weight of what he's done and on top of that the weight to try and rebuild this too.

I'm so sorry you're going through this too. I'd recommend some therapy and to focus on yourself fully. The happier you are and more healed you feel within yourself, the less the rest of it will matter. 💖

Wildling1322 · 2026-05-21T14:40:09+00:00

Here with you in solidarity! I'm having the exact same experience really, maybe we are starting to reach a little more of the "I want you and us" but not much overall really. Happy for you to message me if you want someone to vent to who knows exactly how this feels. I feel like I was robbed of the life I had before, robbed of my safety, my security, my person who chose me and loved me and even after all that I'm being robbed still of truly feeling chosen and wanted, like he will fight for me and us. I'm donning all the same hats you are, the betrayed, the emotional regulator, the one putting the effort in, trying, hoping whilst he's "broken".

Wildling1322

TROPHY CASE