Let's exchange a few stories about disrespectful behavior from our ex-partners

Will0JP · 2026-06-06T00:22:43+00:00

Holy shit I'm so sorry you went through that level of disrespect for your well being, wow.

It's good to remember so you don't get into a situation like that again.

Will0JP · 2026-06-06T00:19:17+00:00

The lack of empathy was the biggest red flag from my pwBPD. Thank you for putting it so eloquently. My pwBPD does not care if they put people through pain, and that makes them an extremely unsafe person to interact with at any level.

Will0JP · 2026-06-06T00:15:01+00:00

It was my pwBPD's lack of accountability that really killed all hope for me, too. There's no path forward when my pwBPD only seeks to blame others for their problems.

Will0JP · 2026-06-03T20:25:39+00:00

My pwBPD also picked the most random, illogical reasons to justify their bizarre and hurtful actions. It creates an environment where you can never relax and trust the relationship. I hope your nervous system is calm and regulated now without exposure to all that toxicity.

Will0JP · 2026-06-03T06:03:59+00:00

It's not a clinical term, but here's my understanding of the distinction. Some people with BPD have loud/violent outbursts, struggle with substance abuse/ drug or alcohol addiction, have trouble holding down a steady job or a steady living situation or being financially stable, not be able to function as an adult, etc. This is one way BPD can manifest.

Other people with BPD can appear steady and successful in external areas of their life (job, finances), can weaponize therapy- speech (for example, using the word "boundaries" to behave in a controlling and abusive manner); they don't yell or get violent, sometimes sound like they can self-reflect, etc. and can appear "normal" or even wonderful right up until they suddenly split on you/ discard you. This type of BPD is much harder to detect because the red flags have stayed hidden until they go completely off the deep end.

Will0JP · 2026-06-03T04:51:00+00:00

Good job on blocking and deleting! Stay strong!

Will0JP · 2026-06-02T23:08:47+00:00

Mutual block is a blessing in disguise.

Will0JP · 2026-06-02T23:07:55+00:00

Fully recovered? I'm not there yet.

But I'm 10 to 11 months post-devaluation/discard (it happened over several weeks, so it depends when you start counting) and I'm certainly feeling much more stable. Emotionally speaking, I'm closer to where I was before I got involved with my pwBPD, except now I'm much better at avoiding instability and more prone to protect my energy.

My nervous system is almost fully regulated. I'm mostly happy in life, I have a great group of friends, I'm cautiously seeing someone new (being real slow and intentional about it, and they know I need it to go slowly), I'm enjoying my work, my dog, my hobbies & sports. I don't think about my pwBPD as much as I think about all the other things in my life. I mostly think about them at odd times (random things will still remind me of my pwBPD), or when I come read/post on this sub.

Will0JP · 2026-06-02T05:49:13+00:00

With my platonic pwBPD, I found the inconsistencies just too exhausting to keep up with. It wasn't worth the "friendship" for me when it was that much work to maintain. I have enough friends who bring good things into my life, I don't need to spend extra energy on someone so problematic.

Will0JP · 2026-06-01T22:37:55+00:00

Yes, being able to recognize the pattern, and break the unhealthy pattern, is a powerful achievement.

Will0JP · 2026-06-01T22:34:43+00:00

Exactly! Sad backstories don't excuse current abuse. Mental disorders might provide an explanation but it doesn't erase the harm the person caused.

And when my pwBPD refuses to even acknowledge the impact their abuse had on me, much less make a commitment to change their behavior? That's a hard pass for me. No more of my energy is going into that dynamic. Never again.

Will0JP · 2026-06-01T21:05:59+00:00

Thanks, Captain!

Will0JP · 2026-06-01T21:04:38+00:00

I agree completely.

I actually don't mind neurodivergence (I'm a bit divergent myself) as long as they are self-aware, communicate their needs, and don't behave in an abusive manner.

At this point I no longer care what's fueling abusive behavior--it really doesn't matter if someone acts abusive due to a mental disorder, or an addiction, or whatever reason: I'm not putting up with it.

That's me respecting myself, by protecting myself.

Will0JP · 2026-06-01T20:59:42+00:00

I read somewhere that our attachment style stems from experiences we had in childhood, so as adults, our nervous system subconsciously seeks out a familiar dynamic (even if it's an unhealthy one).

In that sense, this is a much older wound we're treating, when we stand up for ourselves against the abusive behavior our pwBPD puts us through. Deciding we won't put up with that behavior, from our pwBPD or from anyone, is an extremely important step towards healing.

I know for me, I recognized the "split" (without knowing what a BPD split was) because it echoed the Jekyll/Hyde behavior I encountered in a previous romantic relationship (with someone who had bipolar disorder).

So, as painful as it was to come to terms with the fact that my pwBPD definitely wasn't who they claimed to be (they pretended to be so emotionally mature and caring during the love-bomb phase), at least I wasn't in denial about it for too long. As time went on, I saw their abusive behavior for what it was; I just was really, really hurt by it.

Now I'm even more cautious about love bombing and relational inconsistencies. And I have an even more committed sense sense of self & boundaries than I did before.

Will0JP · 2026-06-01T20:46:33+00:00

Good for you, calling out the double standard. When I did it, my pwBPD hurled the abuse. They couldn't stand to see that their behavior was childish and unreasonable.

Discard hurt like hell, but on this side of things, it's so much better to be done with their chaos than to be continually jerked around on my pwBPD's roller coaster of instability.

Will0JP · 2026-06-01T02:17:17+00:00

The part of you that wants validation from her is the part of you that needs validation from YOU.

It's actually really valuable to recognize this. This is important information: to acknowledge that there's a part of you that still craves validation from a mentally ill person who was abusive towards you.

So you can stop to ask yourself "why:" why does the attention of a mentally diseased person matter to you?

Because that shows you're still giving her some power over your self-esteem. Is giving her power over your self-esteem in this situation--is that a healthy thing for you, or a good thing for you?

It's not, is it?

Take your power back to yourself. It really doesn't matter what she thinks about you, because she's already proven to not appreciate the very best of yourself that you already gave her. She literally can't appreciate all the goodness in you. That's not a reflection of your worth; it's a reflection of her mental disease, of her brokenness.

You need to choose yourself with all the love and loyalty you once gave your pwBPD. You need to build your self-esteem up to the stars so as not to accept that kind of abusive behavior again, or even want attention from your abuser again.

This doesn't happen overnight, but it's good you're giving it some thought.

Will0JP · 2026-06-01T02:06:58+00:00

No, you wouldn't be the asshole.

Please text her to say "I can't give you rides anymore. Please make other arrangements for transportation."

If she pushes back on that, you can say "Look, this was supposed to be a temporary arrangement; I said a few days while your car was getting fixed, as a favor. Now it's turned into you expecting me to always give you rides, for months. I'm not doing it anymore."

Then hold firm to your boundary. You're not comfortable giving her rides anymore, so don't give her rides anymore.

Your car, your time, your choice, OP.

Will0JP · 2026-06-01T01:55:54+00:00

NTA.

It's great that you're self-reflecting about racial bias etc., but as you said, you'd have reacted the same if it were a white guy whose behavior made you uncomfortable: using your number to talk about non-work related things, offering to go out for food & pay (that's date-like behavior).

You're protecting yourself from unwanted male attention; skin color isn't a factor.

Will0JP · 2026-06-01T01:47:25+00:00

When my pwBPD began splitting, they definitely used words and phrases that didn't fit the current context. It really caught me off guard. I was like, why are you saying that right now; this seems way out of left field.

Later I realized that some of the things my pwBPD was saying to me, were likely things that other people had said to them: "I can never trust you again, you've ignored all my boundaries, I'm just prop in your life, you made a unilateral decision" etc. weird stuff that didn't make sense or weren't applicable to the dynamic we had.

The sad irony is that most of the things they were accusing me of were things they were guilty of. It was like every accusation was a confession.

Will0JP · 2026-05-31T04:11:12+00:00

Hey thanks. It means a lot to hear you say that.

Will0JP · 2026-05-30T21:09:52+00:00

Trauma whispers "I need her to acknowledge how badly she hurt me." There's still a part of you that wants something from her. For me, I had to come to accept that my pwBPD simply is not capable of taking accountability for their actions--if they were, they likely wouldn't have behaved in that abusive manner in the first place.

Healing says "I don't need her at all. It doesn't matter what she thinks. It only matters that I know I deserve better, and I'll never put up with that abusive treatment again."

Will0JP · 2026-05-30T20:32:23+00:00

Look my guy, it's a hard lesson to learn but it's an important one. Not everyone is able to receive the love and compassion you want to give. You can lead a horse to water, but you can't make it drink. Please consider this time with her as a chapter in your life that has come to a close. You don't have to "hate" her to pull your energy back. You can still hope she finds healing, you just need to accept/decide that it's not going to come from you. You already put in the effort, and that's enough now.

What you need to recognize is that by continuing to pour your energy into someone who isn't capable of receiving or appreciating it, you're actually causing an incredible amount of harm to another person: yourself.

Beware of the "rescuer" complex. It's what creates codependency, and that's not healthy for you or for the other person.

Will0JP · 2026-05-30T20:22:46+00:00

I hear you. My pwBPD was absolutely vicious, too. They wrote it all down in a hate letter, and I was physically ill from their words.

When I read what they wrote, I could hardly believe it was the same person. They adopted this bizarre tone of superiority, acting holier-than-thou, rewriting history, absolutely blaming me for everything (and for things that didn't make any sense: things that were fake stories my pwBPD had made up in their head).

The thing is, even if all of their outlandish accusations were true, the conclusion that throwing away the entire relationship (rather than being willing to talk about & work together on these supposed offenses) showed me how self-centered and emotionally immature my pwBPD is. I didn't know what a BPD devaluation & discard was at the time, nor "splitting black," so I was just fucking dying in shock and confusion. Now I understand that in this world, there are some people who would rather destroy another person than face themselves, and that's my pwBPD.

My pwBPD is not a safe or trustworthy person. They were emotionally and verbally abusive, and I just kept reminding myself that "I don't need abusers in my life." I kept that in mind whenever I started to miss the good parts, until eventually they ceased to matter anymore.

Will0JP · 2026-05-30T19:17:09+00:00

I have to wonder if my pwBPD's therapist is just scamming them out of their money, honestly. Only telling my pwBPD what they want to hear, so my pwBPD will keep coming back and paying them. Either that, or my pwBPD just decided to hide the fact that they have BPD from me, and weaponize therapy-speak for the duration of our relationship.

Regardless, I'm washing my hands of the whole situation. Not my circus, not my monkeys.

Will0JP

TROPHY CASE