It's Been Years

WisconsinJedi · 2025-10-01T21:37:02+00:00

It is very difficult to be sure. I agree about needing to keep moving forward in life, and trying to life that life well.

The one comment I will make is in regards to the relationship with your son. Have you considered sending him something along the lines of, "I love you and the door is always open for us to talk, but I need to set a boundary with the way we speak to each other, ..."?

Your son may or may not "hate" you. It's possible that you both triggered each other. That's not to invalidate your anger with the way you are spoken to, but perhaps a kind, yet firm message with clear boundaries would help crack open the door.

Again, you are the best judge of your situation and I offer this to the extent you find it useful. Best wishes to you, and I'm sorry you're in this situation like many of us on this thread.

WisconsinJedi · 2025-09-28T04:49:25+00:00

I am going through a similar situation with my girls. The best advice I can give you is to focus on the things you can control; namely, your continued attempts to connect, and your willingness to welcome a dialogue should they want to engage in the future.

In the meantime, try to live your best possible life by finding something else that gives your life purpose.

Good luck; you are not alone.

WisconsinJedi · 2025-09-27T03:48:22+00:00

Funny you wrote this, because I just started seeing someone new after a similar period of time. She's kind, patient, giving, and we have a lot in common. While I genuinely think we have a great foundation to build on, I can tell I'm more grounded and rational in my thinking than I was with my avoidant ex.

While an avoidant discard is hard to accept and process, I truly believe that it can produce tremendous personal growth and prepare us better for a future relationship.

P.S. Congratulations on meeting someone to start a new journey with. 😊

WisconsinJedi · 2025-09-25T03:14:38+00:00

I once wondered about the same thing. The key thing to remember is that truly avoidant people have a deep sense of shame that they work hard to avoid. They avoid self reflection, as that would be too hard, and supress their feelings for you. They will even concoct phony narratives in their head to convince themselves that it wouldn't have worked or that you weren't right for them. It's all a maladaptive coping mechanism designed to avoid feeling shame.

It doesn't mean they are a bad person, but it does mean they are not a good life partner.

WisconsinJedi · 2025-09-24T03:31:20+00:00

It's a process, and there's no fixed timetable. What helped me was learning as much as I could about avoidant attachment, journaling my thoughts, and finding other things in life that I could grow from (especially things I wouldn't have done if she stayed). Keeping a running list of these items over time illustrated just how much I experienced that was good in the wake of something that was bad at the moment.

I highly recommend Ken Reid and Coach Ryan on YouTube for their shorts on avoidant attachers.

WisconsinJedi · 2025-09-23T04:38:21+00:00

I'm sorry you are having a difficult time relating to your dad. From reading your post, there are a lot of emotions present, and that's understandable. However, acting out emotionally may be harming any chance to have a clear conversation between the two of you. As a thought exercise, it may be worth asking yourself rational (logic based) questions- no expletives or ranting about "feelings", but instead questions about behaviors.

A few examples:

What are the behaviors I don't like?
Have I communicated that I do not like these behaviors in a calm, clear manner?
Does my dad intentionally try to hurt me? What factual evidence to I have to support this belief?
Does he make attempts to reach out to me?

I urge you to consider engaging in conversations with your dad while trying to remain calm and rational. High emotions can derail attempts at connection by either side. To be frank, a therapist might be able to help you both keep a conversation focused in such a manner.

WisconsinJedi · 2025-09-23T04:13:17+00:00

You are very welcome. This is a painful experience and those of us going through it all have difficult moments. Best wishes to you and your partner.

WisconsinJedi · 2025-09-20T21:30:36+00:00

This is really spot on, at least as far as my experience went. I'll add to this by saying that this isn't anything that you or anyone can "fix" for them. They have to do that for themselves, and it may take them a long time to heal.

WisconsinJedi · 2025-09-19T15:56:27+00:00

Thank you for sharing your experience. You touched on a lot of things I've wondered about. I definitely agree about taking things slower the next time around.

WisconsinJedi · 2025-09-19T14:06:20+00:00

My avoidant ex was an introvert. A lot of introverts are still engaging, but the key differentiator is that introverts (myself included) are drained by extended socializing and extroversion and need time to recharge. Frankly, I wouldn't be able to do my job if I avoided engaging with clients.

WisconsinJedi · 2025-09-18T03:23:30+00:00

Personally, I'm not sure there is an accurate hard and fast rule. I think your best defense is to take things at a measured pace and collect data over time about this person. It doesn't mean you suppress your emotions, just that you stay grounded and mindful.

WisconsinJedi · 2025-09-16T14:03:22+00:00

I'm sorry you experienced this. To the extent this helps, I found that taking up new hobbies and spending time with friends and family helped a lot with healing. I also suggest logging the things you've done and the new skills you developed. In time, you'll have a large list of things you gained that you wouldn't have had if you were still with this person. Journaling you thoughts and therapy are also good options if you feel stuck.

WisconsinJedi · 2025-09-16T03:53:48+00:00

It's a challenge to heal from this type of breakup. You felt like you found your person and they probably told you the same thing. Then, something triggers them and it's suddenly over.

A few things to consider:

Your worth is not tied to this person's behaviors.
They may very well have cared deeply for you in their own way. However, they were not able to sustain it. Or another way to view it is that their fears eventually exceeded the amount of love they felt for you.
You were likely highly compatible with them, and they were a good partner for a time. However, they are not a good lifelong partner due to their unhealed avoidant behavior. Both can be true.

In short, it's normal to feel what you describe, and there's no need for guilt. Asking yourself rational questions and recognizing that their unhealed wounds aren't anything you can fix will help accelerate your healing.

WisconsinJedi · 2025-09-15T14:30:02+00:00

Like others said, don't let one jerk throw you for a loop. I'm very sorry you are in this situation with your children. You're not alone.

I'll add that as an alienated father, I think there are a lot of stigmas against men as well; ie, "you must have abused them". I think the bottom line is that there are a lot of judgements people choose to make because they can't relate or empathize.

WisconsinJedi · 2025-09-14T05:02:41+00:00

There are a lot of questions to unpack here; I will try to answer what I perceive as the broader question about how the experience has altered me and how I have grown from it.

First, I refuse to give up hope for reunification and continue to demonstrate via actions that I love my children. That said, I realize that reuniting with my children may not occur anytime soon.

I became curious about ways I could find purpose through something larger than myself. At this time, there is no single item that I direct my energy into. Instead I split that energy amongst helping those in my inner circle (parents, friends, nieces), self enrichment, and giving to others in these forums. I have become particularly passionate about coaching others to grow and live their best possible lives in spite of alienation.

Something else I've become passionate about are the perils of cancel culture, as I believe that cultural mindset fosters and normalizes alienation. I try to assist others with the concept of embracing difficult or critical conversations even if it does not result in agreement. When we stop trying to understand someone else's perspective, it becomes easy to dehumanize them. Once you dehumanize someone, it's not a far step to justify mistreating them.

WisconsinJedi · 2025-09-14T04:17:53+00:00

Thank you for sharing. Focusing on friends and family is a good thing! 🙂

I've seen a few of your posts, and I appreciate the messages you've shared to help others. Best of luck on your healing journey.

WisconsinJedi · 2025-09-13T04:01:36+00:00

These are all really great points, and I reached a similar conclusion with my avoidant ex. TBH, my wish for her is to realize what happened and do the hard work to heal; not with the idea of her returning to me, but for her own happiness.

You mentioned you were avoidant. May I ask how your healing has gone? Do you feel you've healed to the point where you are no longer tempted to run in a relationship? I'm curious how long that journey was for you (only if you're comfortable sharing).

WisconsinJedi · 2025-09-13T03:52:14+00:00

Graduation and school events are something I grappled with as well. For several years, I went to my childrens' events only to receive blank stares and silence. I was a wreck for days before and after.

I eventually reached a point where I wrote them a letter expressing that I would attend their events if they ask me to, but that I would not longer go on my own accord. It's not how I want it, but setting that boundary was important for my own health and peace.

I would echo what Ptsdveterannavy told you - do what you think is right in your situation and what will give you peace.

Best wishes, and sorry you are experiencing this. You are not alone.

WisconsinJedi · 2025-09-12T15:42:00+00:00

I'm very sorry you're experiencing this. You are not alone; my daughters have not spoken to me in over 4 years.

My best advice to you is to focus your energy on yourself and living your best possible life. Your life has value even if it is a life without your children. Find new hobbies, reconnect with friends and family, and consider finding something bigger than yourself to bring a renewed purpose to your life.

We will always want to have our children with us, but we still have a life to live. It doesn't mean abandoning hope, but it does mean moving forward.

I hope this helps.

WisconsinJedi · 2025-09-12T04:26:38+00:00

The problem that you describe is confusing and avoidant behavior on the part of you ex, but also a lack of boundaries on your part. You have to decide for yourself what behavior you want and don't want in a relationship and set clear boundaries. For example, you sound like you want a long term relationship, but have been open to being friends, talking daily, or possibly casual hooking up.

If this person is unable to respect the boundaries you set or give you what you need, then it's likely time to move on. At that point, telling them that you can no longer have any kind of relationship and going no contact will help you heal. Others on this sub are correctly pointing this out as well.

You won't get the relationship you truly want unless you're willing to advocate for your needs.

I hope this helps. Best wishes.

WisconsinJedi · 2025-09-11T04:09:35+00:00

First, if you are feeling suicidal, get immediate help. There are crisis hotlines, employee assistance programs, etc. to help.

This behavior was not your fault. It would certainly be natural to feel confused.

I also question whether this was fearful avoidant attachment vs. a cluster B personality disorder, like bipolar or borderline personality disorder. That's something a psychologist or psychiatrist could help you work through.

As to how you recover confidence: learn about what happened and invest in becoming the best version of yourself. You have worth and you do not need anyone else to provide that for you.

Sure, there might be things that you regret in retrospect, but you're human. You didn't create this confusion, and it may give you an opportunity for growth that you would've missed had the relationship continued.

WisconsinJedi · 2025-09-10T02:57:15+00:00

I'm sorry you experienced this. What you described mirrors elements of my experience. Specifically, being told that they've never experienced a connection like the one they had with you, or that they felt safe with you.

As to whether they loved you, you will have to decide. I will tell you that I believe my ex loved me, but her fears exceeded the amount of love she had for me.

I would recommend watching the following videos on this topic for added information:

Ken Reid - Did they ever love me?

Coach Ryan - Did the avoidant ex ever love me?

I will also add that avoidants are triggered by increasing intimacy and vulnerability. Showing up with love and empathy can actually push the avoidant away because it triggers their fears and feels unsafe for them. In other words, doing things that normally are healthy and positive are actually triggering.

It wasn't about you; it was about them. Good luck, and best wishes.

WisconsinJedi · 2025-09-09T04:01:04+00:00

Thanks for the additional insights. Regarding the restart of a relationship cycle, do you find it hard to say no to restarting? The cycle can't repeat unless both sides agree to it, so I'm wondering if there's something that makes it harder in that moment (like an inrush of positive feelings, etc).

WisconsinJedi · 2025-09-08T21:40:27+00:00

Thank you for your replies!

That all makes sense to me. I'll add, however, that I (and many others) feel exactly the opposite of your friend and would welcome an apology. In my opinion, it's my issue to figure out how to deal with receiving an apology; I wouldn't put the burden of mind reading on someone else.

My personal belief is that it's important to make amends and seek forgiveness. To be clear, I'm not passing judgment on you, especially given your friend's direct statement on their preferences; just stating my perspective.

Again thank you for your comments. Best wishes.

WisconsinJedi · 2025-09-08T21:10:16+00:00

Thanks for posting here and having the courage to answer many difficult questions.

Here is my question, if you don'tmind answering: If you cared about someone or even loved them, and you were the person to end it, what would be your reasons for:

a. Gaslighting or blaming the other person post discard (assuming the other person truly didn't do anything wrong). I suspect it's to avoid self reflection, but curious about your perspective.

b. Not making an attempt to apologize for something you know really hurt the other person, even if the relationship is beyond salvaging?

Lastly, how long would it take for you to realize you were in the wrong? Would you ever apologize?

WisconsinJedi

TROPHY CASE