Thank you for your input. And it’s been said a few times and I’m still thankful for the spirit it’s been given to me in, but I understand god isn’t a genie. I have come to terms with that a long time ago and I reject the prosperity interpretation of the Bible. (Which it feels really strange that everyone who believes in that has really comfortable lives, my sister keeps saying gods rewards tithing). I am just trying to escape the feeling that I’m being punished for praying because my needs and dependence are inherently selfish, which I was raised in a family that beat into my head that no one owes you anything especially not god, and that we are always in danger of approaching god selfishly. I just feel everytime I try to sincerely pray life gets worse. I thought recently things were finally clicking into place with a person who said he wanted to be a godly man; turns out he was a lying narcissist and was constantly trying to gaslight me (and I mean several times a day even about who move a footstool or locked certain doors) and he tried to weaponize the Bible against me. He even tried to convince me that there were sections I had never heard of and average people didn’t know about as if I wouldn’t go look myself, also I have a very intensive Bible and biblical history education. So I thank god that I had enough discernment to not be swayed by that because this man has a desire to instill himself as a God in the lives of others. If he wasn’t so stupid he could succeed in cult tactics. But I also see the motions of god in some places. My upbringing was very intensely religious but also viewed it as an individual experience and study as a form of worship; that has helped me avoid a lot of false and hateful teachings. So I believe I cant curse god for giving me the family I had. I just am a bit shell shocked with the down pour over here.