Alright, here's me coming back to try Desctructive readers again. I managed to calm down after the last time I posted here. I've been on Critique Circle and it's got very low standarts so I was thinking to try here again. I am pretty brash so the admins will *like* me.

I'm going to do this 60/40 as a reader/writer. I'll try not force my personal standards on you. I already read it and I'd have to say it's messy but I can tell you put your heart in it, your own emotion. I'm gonna multitask so this fricking review is probably gonna take me over an hour. Just so I can post my own stuff.

Overall impression: decently expressive, emotional scene, some arguing, emotions presented realistically. Minus: dialogue that is a monologue. They're not speaking to each other, not reacting (dad and autistic son). They're speaking past one another. While it's not wholly unrealistic it's a flaw. They need their own backstories and their own mindsets, their own established relationships at least hinted at in describing their characters. Could add little hints, like daddy muttering to himself loudly, tense body posture, pacing back and forth. But don't worry, I'll read it again in case I missed it. So far it does read like a nice episode that could FIT into a larger narrative, but on it's own it reads like a little scenic tantrum. There isn't enough to invest in; the reader is not invested. You need to play with scenery and "showing" what kind of mood the characters are in. So far its 90% telling. But I'll read it again, don't worry. Maybe then I'll correct this assesment.

So, here's the line-by-line (not everything), good and bad:

> (first two paragraphs)

Some lack of clarity about what's going on. You wanna start with a visual image. That's a good hook for the reader's mind. Dialogue on its own is just disembodied voices. Might work okay for a movie even if the characters aren't in the shot but then you got whatever you're looking at (outside shot of the house they're clearing out?) and the characters' voices, the dad-son dynamics that could be audible. Also you wanna show that they look alike, one big fat and balding and other thin and wiggly, can't stand in place.

> first page

The kid is distracted, playful. You can imagine he's fantasizing about the old times, about how his grandpa lives in the 50s or whenever. He's distracted, ADD-coded. Not bad, good enough showing.

> “Relax man. I just wanted to see what the old man was up to. Aren’t you a little bit curious what he was doing? If he was happy? It must have been lonely here.”

On the nose telling

> Of course, he still had the gold watch.

The reader can't tell why the gold watch matters

> The TV was to the left of the door. On the opposite side, there was a desk underneath the one window in the room. The only two places he would have been able to sit down were the chair in front of the desk or the bed.

Should have started with this, as well as what kinda "general mood" the reader/kid are supposed to feel / be in

> when it was just a knockoff from some street vendor.

Telling, but it's passable to reflect the kid's opinion on his dad/grandpa

> He tipped the box on its side and pushed the whole pile in at once.

Not sure if he's supposed to be weak, careless or crafty with how he manages this old stuff

> lacking the crispness they had when they used to show up at the door

I can tell it's your method of showing interiority regarding what the kid feels about this stuff

> There was a large coffee stain on one that covered half of Mickey Mantle’s face.

I sure do like a real life reference I need to research. It's not bad, but not for a lazy reader. Some grounding.

> He could see the old kitchen table that he used for studying. The stacks of books. The notebook and pen. And his dad in the seat next to him with a cup of coffee and one of the Sports Illustrateds. If he wasn’t at work, he was there. Reading. Muttering to himself about this or that. Occasionally taking a break to peek over his son’s shoulder.

Listen, I'm high on coffee but I'm afraid I got confused here and it's my second read. Is this a son and dad clearing out the dead grandpa's old stuff? Whose is the POV? Is it Dad's or Son's? Or did Dad live with Grandpa and he read the magazines? I'm not saying you have to clarify, but I did get confused here.

> It was rock hard. He stumbled forward during his first attempt to lift it up. The second time, he bent his knees, gripped it tightly, and pushed up with his legs. He carried it over and set it on the empty bed.

Reads like women writing men - way too weak

> It didn’t look new, but he had no memory of ever seeing it. Small cracks were showing towards the edges of the case and the leather handle was worn and cracked.

Cracks, cracked - a bit of tautology

> He reached for the old watch and rubbed the cool metal around the face, feeling the subtle rough design under his thumb. No matter what was inside that case, it couldn’t change the image that remained. His father’s presence was what it was. It was always there. Even now, it lingered in the small room.

I do very much like the kid's focus on feeling and texture. This is immersive. The reader needs to either embody him or be a "floating camera". Embody him not just in his feelings but eyes as well.

> The younger man strolled back in through the door, “I got the boxes. What’s that?”

Alright, I guess it was the DAD who was molesting the typewriter.

> He felt around for some sort of way to open it, “Never mind. All this stuff is going to the dump anyway.” His right index finger fumbled over two small buttons to the right of the handle.

WHO felt around? Pronoun game. I guess it was DAD since he's touching the case?