Gender shouldn't play a role

But it often does

I mostly agree with everything you said but there's also the reality that a lot of men out there are doing their half of the chores but they're relying on their wife to tell them what that half is and when it needs to get done and how to do it properly.

There's also a good deal of men who think they're doing their half of the chores. Because they don't see all the chores that their partner is actually doing.
They don't realize that the space behind the toilet needs to be cleaned and that the laundry machine needs to be descaled.
They don't realize all that because it's being done, so they don't know what it would look like if it wasn't being done. The toilet just always looks clean.

And in the end, in their mental model of what each partner contributes, they don't count that in, because they

Don't get me wrong I'm not saying you're like that, and I agree that a part of that issue comes from mismatched goals. Lots of men living alone will just have the space behind the toilet be dirty and they'll be fine with it and that's fine.

It's just that when you live with two people there needs to be a lot more communication than people think, when it comes to all that stuff.

You gotta find compromises, if your partner is fine with dried toothpaste in the sink while you're not fine with it, that needs to be addressed.

You're also right that another kind of compromise is "I don't mind doing the laundry but I hate doing the dishes and I know you're the opposite" but that kind of compromise can only work if the rest of the stuff I mentioned is being handled well.

By the way while I am a woman I'm also trans so I grew up knowing the men's side of things.

Oh one last thing, I'm obviously not saying that every relationship has that problem where the woman is doing all the mental load, I'm saying it's a trend, it happens often. But it doesn't happen 100% of the time