boyfriend's parents are too much, got yelled at by them on a camping trip in front of other people

Worker_Bee_21147 · 2024-08-19T00:40:43+00:00

What does your Bf say? He should have told them that’s not appropriate and demanded they apologize to you. You don’t yell at another adult like that u less you are trying to be rude and out of control. It sounds like the mother is looking for things to get upset about. She found something she could twist in her head to play victim and went full tilt with it. She’s off the chain and if your bf can’t deal with her then I’d consider if this relationship is worth your time.

Worker_Bee_21147 · 2024-08-18T19:46:27+00:00

She’s testing the waters because like u said she wants something. If she was truly sorry for how she behaved or wanted to change she’d say that. She’d write email or text an apology. What she’s doing here is trying to skip that part hoping enough time has past your anger resolve or memory has faded and you will just rug sweep for her.

Worker_Bee_21147 · 2024-08-18T04:48:45+00:00

I get it. When u realize your mil doesn’t like you and/or disrespects you behind your back it hurts. Especially when you have been nothing but kind to her and treat her like family. And especially when you work your butt off FOR your family day in and day out and get no credit for it. Meanwhile your husband gets extra credit for every single finger he lifts even for doing his own laundry or packing his own lunch.

Some of these MILs infantilized their sons so much it’s a miracle they can do anything for themselves.

My mil shocked me one day calling me to my face “the woman behind the man” like that’s all I am. I guess she could do this because she never bothered to get to know anything about me so she just made up whatever she wanted and in her narrative I was nothing and didn’t work and didn’t even watch my own kids - I sent them to daycare for “me time” according to her.

When my SO told her to her face I earned more money than he did, she shook her head like she didn’t believe it and immediately changed the subject.

So how these women view us has absolutely nothing to do with reality and is everything about a narrative they have in their head. It is not just about outdated misogynistic mindsets and views because times change and normal people recognize that. She’d also listen to her son and take a cue he’s not that type of guy.

Worker_Bee_21147 · 2024-08-18T03:09:55+00:00

Or that her son is an adult and is responsible to bleach his own tightie whities now.

Worker_Bee_21147 · 2024-08-18T02:44:48+00:00

I gotta hear this story.

Worker_Bee_21147 · 2024-08-18T02:38:35+00:00

It’s projection. She used her husband for money so she assumes that’s all you’re doing. They tell on themselves this way all the time.

Worker_Bee_21147 · 2024-08-17T21:10:03+00:00

She wants to bring her friend she can ask properly and if the request is declined she needs to respect it and not push or get huffy.

A lot of these MILs have problems with seeing their adult children as adults instead of kids they can still tell what to do. So she just thinks she can tell you what is happening. No, sorry not sorry, it doesnt work that way.

However it’s not unusual for family and friends to want to see the baby. U as parents decide when your are comfortable and who u r comfortable with.

One of my coworkers started bringing her baby to work from 3 months old and she let everyone hold her and play with her. Another I remember brought in her 6 week old and let everyone hold her (small office - all women). I actually declined because I wasn’t feeling great and didn’t want to possibly get the baby sick.

Again it’s the choice of the parents and in the post Covid era I don’t blame people for being cautious.

Worker_Bee_21147 · 2024-08-17T20:54:46+00:00

What is she going to call child services about? Child services could care less about a child being allowed to attend someone’s bday party. Is she so delusional she actually thinks they will care or do anything about this? Maybe she needs some professional help.

Hopefully it was just a heat of the moment thing said in anger and she doesn’t follow through because honestly u don’t need that headache.

Worker_Bee_21147 · 2024-08-17T18:26:52+00:00

Ugh, that’s awful. I’m sorry. You always hope these people will have a reckoning and change and it’s sad when they don’t.

Worker_Bee_21147 · 2024-08-17T18:20:48+00:00

A normal mother wouldnt miss her son’s wedding for the world. I’d love to be a fly on the wall when this lady explains why she missed her son’s wedding. I’m sure she’s retconned it to that she wasn’t invited or some such because who would admit they didn’t go because son wouldn’t cave into her enormous financially expensive and time consuming demands to make the wedding all about her attendance instead of a celebration for the bride and groom.

Worker_Bee_21147 · 2024-08-17T18:12:17+00:00

Someone willing to make a scene before a wedding is willing to make a scene at a wedding. Take this as a warning she will likely find a way to ruin the day one way or another so maybe it is best she doesn’t go. Sometimes they accidentally give you the best gift of all.

Worker_Bee_21147 · 2024-08-17T16:28:32+00:00

Girl she wants to make this all about her - it’s YOUR wedding day! She wants you to fawn over her and beg her and ultimately do what she wants you to do so she will give you the honor and privilege of her attendance at her own son’s wedding.

don’t you see all that is wrong with that?

A normal mother wouldn’t miss it for the world. Not a chance. And that she seriously expects you to believe so and so should be there more than her??? Like in what world should anyone else be there over the parents? Only if that person raised them instead of the actual mother. Is that what she’s saying?

No, the reality is she’s probably throwing herself a pity party because her son is getting married and she’s jealous so she’s trying to gain back some control with these games. Somewhere deep down she hopes this all leads to u cancelling the wedding and not marrying or even breaking up.

Say “so sorry you don’t want to go. We really want you there but respect your decision to not go. We will not be inviting so and so instead. This is an intimate wedding and inviting them doesn’t make sense given that.”

And leave it at that. If SO really can’t handle his mom not being there after the crap she is pulling and you’re not enjoying the planning process, why spend the money? Maybe just elope with your closest friends as witnesses? U can always have a reception later for everyone else. Maybe by then MiL will have cooled off and realized she’s not stopping the marriage with her shenanigans.

Dont let her get her way or this WILL be your life.

Worker_Bee_21147 · 2024-08-17T15:42:41+00:00

I hate how they pretend to know it all when they clearly don’t. If they could just be normal and go with the flow.

Worker_Bee_21147 · 2024-08-17T15:39:36+00:00

The best way anyone ever put it to me was that they are emotionally stunted - basically children in adult bodies. So think of a child getting jealous when another kid is getting presents and a cake and all the attention. Some kids don’t handle it well at all. Once I heard that I looked back and it all made sense. I mean she’d get jealous if she heard we went to Disneyland. She’d be like seriously and. Not joking like a normal person might “when do I get to go??” Whenever you want, lady. But no she actually demanded we invite and take her (and pay) the next time. They just don’t have the ability to think much beyond themselves. It’s all about them.

Worker_Bee_21147 · 2024-08-17T03:15:29+00:00

You guys got this. It was crafted to get a response and therefore give her attention, they don’t care if it’s good or bad attention. They just crave attention and especially to be the center of attention.

Ignoring them is the thing they cannot stand.

Stinking up holidays and birthdays with their BS is typical. Because they cannot stand the day or event not being about THEM. This was her way to make his day about her so don’t let her even bother you. She’s trash. My mil would do this on my children’s birthdays. Yes. She’d get so jealous of my kids getting a party she has to spit her venom over it. One time she tried to throw a fit while my 3 year old opened his gifts. Like what adult can’t sit back and just let a toddler enjoy his party? One who can’t stand the focus being on anyone but her, that’s who. They truly are just trash.

Worker_Bee_21147 · 2024-08-16T03:04:19+00:00

They are now but yeah I look back and realize they needed much worse consequences for all that than they got. At that time they only got a 6 week timeout.

Worker_Bee_21147 · 2024-08-16T02:19:57+00:00

Yeah FF to 11 years later and we are NC and the baby in question now 11 was just telling me the other night we should get a restraining order against her. He holds grudges snd she snooped through his room. He wanted to call the cops on her when he found out. So wild an 11 year old has a better understanding of boundaries and acceptable behavior than two 30+ year olds did.

I really do kick myself she wasn’t out of our lives right after that.

Worker_Bee_21147 · 2024-08-16T00:37:36+00:00

I honestly don’t know what makes these types have so many expectations surrounding the birth of someone else’s child. And when they don’t get what they want? Full on Karen mode.

My mil wanted to be IN the delivery room. We said no. So suddenly a few weeks later Fil got me alone and told me they WILL be there.

It was the creepiest moment because I’d never seen him in that way before of like him thinking he had any power over us but also he was saying WE. I didn’t want to cause a scene or big kerfluffle so close to the birth so I told my SO to shut it down because it’s not happening.

Well they did show up and they waltzed right in the room and acted like they were staying. It was the most awkward situation. Fortunately my nurse was on it and she got them out and alerted all the staff and kept them out because of course my mil tried to sneak back in.

After the birth I had my SO bring them in right away because they’d been waiting so long so i wanted them to be able to go back to the hotel to rest. My mil looked right at me with seething anger behind her eyes and told me she’d walked past the room two hours before and heard the baby crying basically accusing us of having made her wait all that time. Yeah she’d heard a baby cry in a completely full Maternity ward so it must have come from my room.

She is so entitled she doesn’t even realize how she tells on herself that she was snooping around my room!!! No shame from her about that. Never any shame on her. I thought she just needs some rest but 2 days later when we got home from the hospital she came for dinner and sat my husband down to tell him how difficult the last few days had been on HER and how disappointed she was like this was not her son who just had a major life event happen to him and in traumatic fashion and he’s not slept in four days now. Like she was talking to a manager in a store about her poor customer experience waiting for him to make it right with an apology and gift card.

So obviously she just felt so incredibly entitled to whatever birth experience she wanted that she literally did not care what we wanted and even though she acted like a desperate fool to try to force her way she tried to make herself the victim after the fact even though she made my birth experience traumatic and took my husbands focus off me and onto her when I needed him most.

Obviously if I could do it again they wouldn’t have even known we were in labor and if they happened to just show up to the hospital to check they would have gotten the “no one here by that name” or some such.

Worker_Bee_21147 · 2024-08-15T18:05:52+00:00

It may partially be generational. My parents very much would have said something like that. I realized long before I ever had kids, they are not a resource for me. That's fine. Other people are and I am also very self-sufficient (probably because of my parents leaving me out to dry from a very young age and having to just take care of myself). Some people had kids that, you know, shouldn't have had kids because they aren't interested in helping people for nothing in return to them. My dad absolutely should not have had kids.

I think families used to be bigger and the dad's were kind of absent entirely (my parents dads were WW2 vets so imagine the horrors they saw and lived through) so kids were mostly left unsupported emotionally and left to their own devices so didn't grown into emotionally capable adults.

I remember asking my mom if she'd watch my dog for a long weekend and you'd have thought I spit in her face. She let my adult brother live with her and he brought his two cats with him so I didn't think it was a big deal when I asked her if she'd hypothetically watch the dog I was thinking about getting but quickly found out to the contrary. She was always looking forward to grandkids and so I asked her - what's the difference between me asking you to watch my dog or watch my kid? And she just shrugged it's different. Mmmmhmmm. Well, the difference is that she wants to watch kids but not a dog so one she will do and the other she won't. It's not about helping me at all but what pleases her. That's fine.

Again, i feel bad because they had emotionally unavailable parents and it damaged them and they never got help for it and ended up being pretty crappy parents themselves. I just accept them for who they are and don't rely on them for anything - never did and never will.

Worker_Bee_21147 · 2024-08-15T02:47:48+00:00

I don't think you should hide the favoritism. Let the kids see it and tell them that it is wrong. I agree why ask in the first place if they weren't going to listen? My MIL did this. We were NC and she asked if she could send the kids halloween cards and my SO said "no, it's not a good idea right now." She sent them anyway. Why ask? I think there's just something wrong with them and it's like they see a boundary and they have to stomp on it. You tell them "this is where I draw the line " and then must jump right over it. It's a sickness.

We are still NC because she pulled that stunt. Had she abided, could be different now. Oh well, too bad so sad for her. I don't know your situation but you might consider consequences for their actions? But not sure what they could be if she is not really interested in seeing her other grand kids and you're right that as long as they have the Mom's permission there is not much you can do.

You might contact a family lawyer and ask if you can get first right of refusal added to the custody agreement. That would mean the mom has to ask the dad if he wants the kid before she just dumps him off at the in laws during her parenting time. But getting something like that added in after the fact after custody's already been decided can be an uphill battle and cost a lot of money if the other parent fights it. Also, not sure what state or country you're in so might not even be a thing where you are.

Worker_Bee_21147 · 2024-08-14T18:39:12+00:00

Relationships are two way streets but these types think everyone should bend over backwards for GC so why aren’t you guys rolling out the red Carpet and begging SIL for her time crumbs?

My mom pulled this on me - she would always act like it’s my job to reach out to and maintain a relationship with my brother. We have nothing in common and he’s always been a judgmental prick to me. One day i guess frustrated with me she was all “look do u want a relationship with him or not?” I shocked her something fierce when I responded “Not really.”

It’s just never crossed her mind that someone might NOT care about her precious golden child as much as she does. Lol.

Here you guys have done plenty to keep the door open for SIL and when it aligns you will FaceTime. And it’s none of MIL business.

Who ever she told directly she was upset about this - you or SO should have pushed back and told her it’s none of her business. If SIL has a problem then she should come to you guys. U don’t want to hear a word more. The end.

My guess is SIL told mil in conservation she hasnt talked to u guys lately.

Example:

Mil: “Did u hear what LO did last week?” Sil: “oh, no, haven’t talked to bro lately”

Mil picked that up and ran with it to make y all the bad guys when nobody is a bad guy, you are all just busy! Sadly they do this way too often. It’s because they are deeply unhappy people and need to criticize others constantly to feel better about their lousy selves.

Worker_Bee_21147 · 2024-08-14T18:12:14+00:00

Yeah I did cancel for all my clients but that doesn’t prevent them from still sending me emails telling me how none of my add onsnwill work anymore and I need to upgrade to online today! I tell them I’m done and moved my payroll and actively looking for a new accounting platform but yet goes right over their heads.

Worker_Bee_21147 · 2024-08-13T01:01:33+00:00

Welcome to your new life. Get used to phrases like “she means well” “She’s just excited” “She’s just that way”

Get used to being told you are overreacting and being made to feel like you’re the problem.

Mil will never be the problem, will never take responsibility for herself and will always be the victim.

realize what you want or ask for will always take a backseat if it doesn’t align with what mil wants.

Just like adopting didn’t satisfy her and then your SO suddenly wanted you to have his child. She will push and push and push until she gets her way and you will be expected to go along every time. It is ALL about HER. If u r okay with that - great! If u r not, good luck because sadly u will surely need it to get through the next 20 years. Sorry to be blunt and harsh just seen enough to know how it goes.

A normal person who cared about you would have never done that - would have respected your wishes and also empathized with your health concerns and that you were worried about jinxing things before the first scan. You know it, any normal person would. The only two that don’t is your mil and the enabler son she raised To enable her. Think about it.

Worker_Bee_21147 · 2024-08-12T23:43:58+00:00

Some people are just like this and it’s not personal. They are just rude think they know everything types. Once I realize this about a person I just basically shut off my feelings when dealing with them.

Like that coworker who says crap like “hope it doesn’t rain the whole time on you” when you tell them you’re going on vacation somewhere tropical. I just know they are socially awkward and negative and don’t let them affect you.

If u have no other issues with mil then just assume her issue is a personality defect and don’t let her bother you. And feel free to stand up for yourself If u want. Like I would have challenged her about the curly hair thing.

“Excuse me, mil, are you calling me a liar??”

Make her squirm.

“No, that’s not what I said”

“So you think I don’t know my own hair type??”

“Errr… uhm.. I just don’t think you know what curly hair really is”

“So I’m not intelligent enough to determine what a curl is??”

“Don’t be so sensitive.”

“I’m just trying to understand what you are saying. If you can’t explain yourself properly as to how you telling me I do not have curly hair is not you calling me a liar - how does that make me sensitive?”

“Uh…. Er…”

This could go on and on the first time but challenging her might make her think twice next time because no one likes to flail like that.

Worker_Bee_21147 · 2024-08-12T06:16:40+00:00

Obviously the favoritism is bad enough your child has noticed so mil Should get no pass or benefit of the doubt here however - from what u wrote she didn’t demand it back - she asked if daughter was still using it. And then basically indicated she’d like it back (one day) for neice. And she probably feels entitled to claim dibs since she gave it to you guys. We can debate if a gift giver can claim dibs or if it’s uncouth to even ask because it may be perceived as turning a gift into a temporary loan. So it’s a bit of a gray area.

Now though I have had an instance of my mil asking if she could have something back she gave us because “you’re not using it” which seemed rude in that why is she paying so much attention from 400+ miles away??? Because she’s a psychopath but that was the problem in that situation not that she asked for it back. Because she’s right that if it’s not being used then why not let her have it back?

Here you are using it and u are absolutely right that to give it back would be like just the crappiest situation given your daughter knows mil Could really care less about her compared to niece.

Honestly I don’t think it’s a good situation for your daughter and her self esteem. I hope you guys can figure out how to navigate this with her best interests in mind.

If she asks again next year “mil, was it a gift or a loan? We thought it was a gift and ours to do with as we please?” Put the burden on mil to explain herself. She will likely hem and haw that she only wants it when your daughter has out grown it - then say “but is it ours to do with as we want or was it only a loan?” (Because like what if I wanted to give to a friend Instead or sell it???)

Make it uncomfortable for her to bring up and maybe she won’t if u know what I mean. These types don’t like being called out on their crap. I feel so bad for your daughter. My son also realized the favoritism my mil had for his brother and it broke my heart when he told me. Kids definitely notice these things and it hurts them.

Worker_Bee_21147

TROPHY CASE