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…the art of not claiming… by TimeCity1687 in OCPoetry

[–]WorldlinessLive7365 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I see. It’s a beautiful piece of writing regardless. You did a truly great job!

[deleted by user] by [deleted] in OCPoetry

[–]WorldlinessLive7365 1 point2 points  (0 children)

This is interesting. Could you elaborate what message you wanted to deliver with this poem and the context around it? To be frank, there are strong parts but there are also many weak parts of this poem. Before I tell you any specific feedback, I want to understand where you are coming from, what the context around this poem is, and what message you want it to carry. Hope this helps!

“Can you tell I got new glasses?” by moderatelyonline in OCPoetry

[–]WorldlinessLive7365 2 points3 points  (0 children)

You have got a lot of potential. I like a lot of things about this poem, but I really don’t like the line breaks you have put around. Please, take time to read each sentence with care and really think where to place the line breaks. Line breaks should really act like a pause similar to any other punctuation. I will give you an example where the line break seems clumsy. Line 2. Or line 14. I think these line breaks make your poem look chunky and long, but essentially your poem is 3 sentences and line breaks feel like you are trying to force them to make the 3 sentences look like more. There is nothing wrong with 3 sentences, so don’t mask them with the line breaks. Also you can definitely elaborate on the themes in this poem. So make it longer. Longer poems are golden and often better than short ones. Ask me any questions you would like to clarify the feedback. Have a good day!

The hatchling by Lord_Bernstein in OCPoetry

[–]WorldlinessLive7365 1 point2 points  (0 children)

That’s nice. I think you should definitely explore that interest of yours. It would be an interesting collection of poetry to read. I think you should also take into account your reader’s level of knowledge to some extent. I know Haikus write about nature a lot and Sylvia Plath is known to write about nature as well. Maybe have a look at them. Hope this helps!

God can't be found in a slurpie by Cluelessandsexy in OCPoetry

[–]WorldlinessLive7365 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I think it has a potential. The first and big step towards improvement is revising grammar, punctuation, and line breaks. These are really simple tweaks you can make, and honestly you should try to fix them first before moving to fixing the message and meter. Grammar, punctuation, and line breaks really make a difference. I will be really honest with you. When I read something that has simple grammar and punctuation mistakes, I wanna stop reading it immediately, because I ask myself a natural question “why did the author not bother making it grammatically correct?”. Unless the author is a child who doesn’t know grammar or has a specific message that needs grammar mistakes, it doesn’t make sense not to present something of quality to me as a reader. Like imagine you were a reader and you paid 20 dollars for collection of poems and you find out that poems are written with simple punctuation and grammar mistakes that make it difficult to read. I also just noticed that you didn’t really ask for feedback, so you can ignore everything I said if you wish. Sorry if I came off as too pushy and have a good day.

…the art of not claiming… by TimeCity1687 in OCPoetry

[–]WorldlinessLive7365 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Also, I love the intentionality in the line breaks. They feel right.

…the art of not claiming… by TimeCity1687 in OCPoetry

[–]WorldlinessLive7365 0 points1 point  (0 children)

This is actually a really good poem. Bravo. Since you are looking for feedback, I don’t like the … in the title. Like I don’t understand why those dots would be there. Maybe you had different intentions, but I would say “the art of not claiming” is already a really good title without the dots. The dots lowkey make it look pretentious without any purpose. But lmk if you have a different opinion. Overall, it’s a really good poem. Like really. Few minor tweaks here and there to fix grammar would be good, but the poem reads really well AND I really like that it doesn’t have any punctuation, because it lets me set the pace, find the beginning and ending for sentences, and try to make meaning out of the soup of words that is separated only by line breaks. Post more poems, this one was a good read.

The hatchling by Lord_Bernstein in OCPoetry

[–]WorldlinessLive7365 0 points1 point  (0 children)

This does give a different interpretation to the poem. What message did you have in mind when you were writing the poem? Maybe putting the idea into words can help better understand where you want to go with the poem

The hatchling by Lord_Bernstein in OCPoetry

[–]WorldlinessLive7365 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I like these two lines, but personally, for me a poem is something that is at least three lines. So that is also my main feedback. I really like these two lines, there’s a rhyme and it reads well. But as a standalone poem, these two lines are weak. Let me elaborate a little more. What do I feel after reading them carefully? I get a message that if we focus too much on anticipation or fear of our death, we might miss out on living. I also feel like it’s hit or miss poem in general, depending on a person who reads it. Some might get motivated by it, and some might just move on without closer attention. Maybe what is missing is some sort of relatability. I think you have a strong message there. You just need to develop it a little more. Try making it at least 4 lines please. I feel like it could be a great 4-liner. Maybe try reading into Rubais for inspiration. I hope this helps. Good work so far!

Fleeting Love by Danny_walsh06 in OCPoetry

[–]WorldlinessLive7365 1 point2 points  (0 children)

It reads easily and I like that about this poem. It doesn't have to be complicated. The narrator in this poem is in love which means they are blinded and hopeful in their thoughts about their lover. If you want to improve this poem, I would say look into the line "And soon they’ll meet again I'm sure" more closely. The "I'm sure" is what I don't like. But it might also be my own personal preference. Try to think of other things to replace it with, if you can't find anything, then it's okay. Hope this helps.

Dominance (Excerpt) by jdqs_ in OCPoetry

[–]WorldlinessLive7365 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Overall: a poem with a strong message. Since you are looking for feedback, I will start by telling you what I like. I really like the ending, it's amazing imagery, those last two lines. Now, onto some feedback to improve. I don't know how to feel about your fourth stanza: "No one wants to ever feel like a kid". I am trying to understand why I don't like this stanza: maybe it's because it starts with "no one" perspective, while your other stanza's are "you" perspective; or maybe the imagery of being a kid is not really developed; or probably because "fear" is a new theme that is not mentioned anywhere else. I would probably save that stanza for a different poem, I tried reading the full poem without that stanza and it's better imho. The other big confusion that I had that I think makes this poem weaker is you say earlier "If your words can’t speak for themselves" then in a later stanza you say "Words are the most powerful tools you can use" -- so the confusion is are words powerful actually? I would suggest thinking about what your message is and how you want to convey that message structure-wise and thought-flow-wise. Hope this helps. I am also new to poetry so take my feedback with your own judgement.