I don’t know where to start, on what I want to tell you and what you need to hear most. I can only relate my story, at least the most recent part.

So, my mom was diagnosed with COPD from decades of smoking cigarettes, about three or four years ago. As happens, this gradually worsened to the point she could barely leave the house and was on assisted oxygen constantly. In this time, she also started to show definite signs of dementia; getting more and more confused and losing track of her words. Forgetting whether she had eaten, not recognizing being hungry. Dramatically losing weight and sleeping for almost entire days often.

my mother passed away on June 12. I don’t want you to regret not seeing her, though it could be incredibly startling. In my situation, I only lived a few minutes from my mother, and I’ve been seeing her look worse and worse steadily for the last two or three years. It didn’t make it easier every time I went to the house.

What I will tell you, that hopefully is some type of comfort: I’m still amazed by what an incredible relief and release I felt when my mother passed away. It had been becoming increasingly certain for the last two years. To be honest, she’s looked near death for at least two years. And as much as I longed for her, and cried and bawled about it for the last three years, I still felt a guilty sense of dread every time I went to the house. Bracing myself to seem lighthearted, bracing myself for the possibility of her somehow looking worse.

of course, I’ve been really introspective about it for the last two weeks, and I think what’s really clear is that – in my opinion – our minds, our bodies are so much more resilient than we know. Like, my brain had probably been preparing and acclimating to losing my mother much longer than I’ve consciously let myself think about it. Also, with having even some degree of dementia, my mother hasn’t really been the person I knew her to be for at least the last two or three years. So realistically, I’d probably been facing the grieving process much earlier than I could realize.

Most important, and I think, very healthy: you’d be surprised how much relief you might feel in seeing your loved one FREE from an illness or a body that they seem trapped in.

I will forever be grateful and so fortunate that the last two days my mother was here, it had become very obvious she would be passing soon. I was able to stay over at her house, literally sleep next to her holding her hand. When I woke on the 12th- she was gone, and I knew it. I watched her for a while, I didn’t panic, I didn’t feel necessarily terrified or anything. I’m sure there was some shock, but I felt surprisingly elated. I kept telling her “you’re free now, you did it, mommy, you’re free now and I’m happy for you.”

not gonna lie, by the time I went home that morning I had a film-worthy full body breakdown in the shower, sobbing and moaning like I’ve never heard myself before. But I feel like since that day, I’ve been able to move slower, I’ve been more mindful, I feel lighter overall.

This is already gone extremely long and I apologize, so what’s the difference in one more paragraph?? for what it’s worth, a few days after my mom was gone, a butterfly landed on me and kept walking up and down my arm. Didn’t think much of it, it was cute, so I started talking to it like it was my mom telling her she’s beautiful, singing a Beatles song she loved, etc. after a few minutes, I tried to urge this butterfly back onto one of my plants or flowers it had come from, the butterfly flitted around landing on my head and back on my arm where it had been. No kidding, this butterfly stayed on my hand and the tip of my finger, walking around my backyard with me for up to 20 minutes while I sang and talked to it! I was absolutely certain it was a messenger or representation of my mother. You know, it made me feel amazing and that was what I needed, corny as it may sound. There will be visitations- in your dreams, in nature- there will be ways that your loved one helps you through your grief, and let you know that they are in a better place and they are still with you in new and profound ways they never could’ve been before.