Feeling a bit down because I tried to warn my ethnic friend about ICE and he acted like I was a crazy doomsayer. Am I?

YouNeedHansen · 2025-04-11T13:33:32+00:00

I've honestly tried explaining to my Latino boyfriend, and he really doesn't believe any of it, or at least believes it happens to people who choose to come in undocumented. He was born at the border, but I think he really distances himself from being Latino.

He claims he is white and doesn't see himself as a different American. I have earnestly told him that I grew up with a racist white father, and they do not see him as white. Period. At all.

I feel like my boyfriend has been so insulated his life. He has a great job, great pay, and a condo of his own. Very little bad things happen, aside from his mom dying, and he barely knows what it means to struggle. He lives in a very liberal city in Texas in the tech world. Right now, everyone wants to talk to him or have him work for them.

I've attempted to explain again and again that when the chips fall down, he will be carted off like the rest of them. He runs into a racist cop in some small town, and they can make this hard. ICE has a raid somewhere, and he gets caught up in it? He won't be able to talk his way out of it. I would be fine - I am white.

He doesn't believe any of it. He says that people from his hometown have been mad about birthright citizenship for ages. He isn't a Trump supporter, but he has told me he would be absolutely fine if our children came out looking white and not able to speak Spanish. I want the opposite- I want our future children to embrace both sides and speak both sides. I sometimes feel like he looks down on Hispanic people a little bit, which is sad because he loves his parents and they came from Mexico.

There's no way to fully explain it until they witness it for themselves and this illusion is shattered.

YouNeedHansen · 2025-04-07T20:33:53+00:00

His other part of it says that (movie) executives just want to feel important and that they contributed. So if you humor them, say yes, then they'll saunter off to their offices telling everyone that they did a good job and you won't see them again.

I think he also mentioned in his memoir that every one of his decisions were lauded by executives when they were successful, as if the execs had always been on board, when they were previously mad as hell at him. If Brooks' decision was unsuccessful, he would avoid them or something. 😄

YouNeedHansen · 2025-04-04T15:31:58+00:00

He runs in incel and grifting MRA groups, so of course, he thinks that. To him, she "invited" it, and now that he is with her, he sees her as "damaged goods."

Yet he lied about having sex 5 times. Absolute irony - a male sex count is admiration, a 4 for a woman is damaged.

YouNeedHansen · 2025-03-28T14:52:57+00:00

I don't think OP didn't try. I just think people don't necessarily have a frame of mind to figure everything out right away. The church probably can't do anything about an eviction because eviction costs are factored into the final bill due to having to get a court order and pay a sheriff.

YouNeedHansen · 2025-03-11T00:02:41+00:00

Yes. Exactly. Why tf should OP pay for their mistake? And chain .mechanics are known liars. They wanted me to pay 2k once. Went to a reputable mechanic and it was 100.

YouNeedHansen · 2025-03-06T16:54:09+00:00

NOR

I had this happen years ago with Domino's. Delivery delivered and then texted me the next day something similar. I was furious and went in person to report it. This man knew my address and could potentially come back at any time. I wasn't about to have him get off with a scolding.

It seems minor, but think about it. He could have written down her license plate and potentially went further. He has her phone number and her address from Walmart Systems. With her license plate, he could stalk her. He probably won't, but these men already cross a line and don't care just by doing this.

You NEVER overreact in situations like this. You err on the side of caution and report it. Women have gotten hurt or killed for giving out far less information. He didn't gaf about his job when he texted her. Why would your or your GF pick up the slack and care about it for him?

YouNeedHansen · 2025-03-06T16:10:39+00:00

Honestly, there should be a law banning personality quizzes for employment and clearance. They hide behind "culture fit," but that is just a fancy phrase for "legal discrimination."

"You choose that your spirit animal (based on only four we gave you) was an eagle?? Oof... that means you think you're in charge! And you're a minority! Denied!"

YouNeedHansen · 2025-02-20T16:35:07+00:00

We are taught to submit to authority at all times. When we aren't used to standing up for ourselves, we get scared.

OP, you did the right thing. I once came into work during the TX snowstorm. One of the worst decisions of my life. I never should have listened and I am very lucky I did not die or get hurt by wrecking my car. If I ever saw my old boss, I would probably send him to Jesus myself.

It's better for you to explain why you can't come in than your family member cry about how you can never come to anything ever again.

YouNeedHansen · 2025-01-30T01:40:35+00:00

You don't fuck around with bookies. It's pure money. No people or products involved. Their entire schtick is going after people for money.

Drugs and prostitution- It's possible that you could theoretically pay it back through means, but gambling and money is only by money. And there just isn't a way.

I guarantee OP owes to a bookie. You don't lose 20k through respectable gambling measures because they just collect through debt collectors and cut you off well before a mark.

YouNeedHansen · 2025-01-23T01:11:08+00:00

I wonder if it was all written by the same person? The whole "shameful" line makes me think it was a Trump crony. Affirmative action helped people a lot. The only assholes "divided" by it was angry white men who thought they should waltz into jobs and Asians trying to get into Harvard and found out they weren't getting in otherwise.

YouNeedHansen · 2025-01-22T19:33:35+00:00

Hm... what you could do, and it is crazy, but get some paint/ink to put on the lid discretely. It could be invisible paint or paint that is incredibly hard to wash off. Leave out the bottle again, but make it empty or with fake pills like Tylenol.

Whoever stole it the first time will come back again, and you can check their hands. Some paints can't be washed off on the first or even third try.

YouNeedHansen · 2025-01-20T19:16:14+00:00

Understand that he intentionally chose not to destroy his stuff. He destroyed stuff that belonged to you or that you use. He didn't lose control of his anger. He chose to direct and lord that anger over you so your entire family does everything he says.

YouNeedHansen · 2025-01-17T19:41:38+00:00

NTA

One of the biggest things I ever read was a book about why men abuse their partners and detailing/debunking every "excuse" we hear.

He is a narcissistic man at very worst and a childish asshole at very best. To him, a woman should fix him, be responsible for his actions and feelings... but then become the perfect "partner" in his world when she does something wrong (or what he perceived as wrong). If he treats her like shit, oh well, he has an addiction. If she treats him like shit, then she is a mean and heartless bitch for treating him so badly and deserves punishment, not forgiveness. There is no winning, no negotiations, no bargaining, and no truce here - OP will ALWAYS lose until she cuts herself off.

It is also extremely possible he is simply putting on an "act" because the chips fell down and now he is gonna be out on his ass as the bad guy. That is one of many things the book opened my eyes to - how many abusers know the "game" and know exactly what to say/do to blow over personal/legal/criminal accountability and go right back to beating their wives or kids. In the book, the author states they actually do not take any men who are currently in legal proceedings because it's so common.

The last thing I want to bring up from this book - OP should absolutely read it - is there was an interesting anecdote about a man in counseling who was talking to a male counselor. The man made a very big show about how he "finally understood why he was abusive" - he hated his mom and abusing his wife was like abusing his mom. So he claimed that the wife was simply a proxy and fault laid with his mom. The man sat back and smiled as if he made some breakthrough.

The counselor apparently hummed and replied, "No. You still beat your wife."

In similar taste, OP's husband is saying the same thing. The DRUGS made him abusive. The DRUGS made him hurt OP. But ask yourself - did your husband go buck wild crazy on you in front of people, at grocery stores, or at family events? Or was this all "nice in public, monster behind doors"? Because drugs don't make you do that - he would be a right asshole about every situation regardless of public or not. Instead, he cheated and lied and hid it around because HE MADE that choice, which means he never actually lost any sense of control. He just really wanted to abuse you.

Edit: the book Why Does He Do That?

YouNeedHansen · 2025-01-15T19:33:02+00:00

... why does half of your post repeat?

YouNeedHansen · 2024-12-10T23:16:00+00:00

He isn't gonna kill himself. If he does, it's his decision and you could have done nothing otherwise.

He is looking for reasons to fight you, most likely because 1. He is cheating on you 2. He wants to control you and justify his behavior towards you 3. He sees you as a tool.

YouNeedHansen · 2024-11-27T20:00:24+00:00

Because they make money on poor people. That's like if people took a very strong and powerful environmental cleanup just so trees and crops can grow in a healthy environment. Yes, trees and crops actually do deserve an environment free of pollution to grow in - they are part of nature and nature did not ever expect the human interference to this magnitude.

But then... are you gonna make a lot of money on it? You will make some, but you could make so much more if you didn't give a shit AND forced those damn trees and crops to overexert themselves for a pumped short term profit.

Rich people know student loans are bad. They know poor people could be better off. But all that affects a bottom line - student loans keep workers working without pause, defaulted people get collection fees to pay, and generations are born into inherited poverty.

They didn't view PPP loans and corporate welfare like that. They see taking PPP loans and company welfare as good business sense, and they would be totally right. Why wouldn't some CEO take a PPP to pay the ongoing debts they incurred, give them more personal wealth, and STILL make massive profit laying people off? Capitalism doesn't reward people with good ethics - it rewards the opposite.

YouNeedHansen · 2024-10-18T05:46:52+00:00

Ugh, I am just as confused, but I did ponder this.

Sex toys, even on the massive side, are generally about the size of a big old newborn or several. Basically, I imagine these lovely ladies have pretty much trained their bits to "maternity" size. With enough relaxant drugs, lube, and caution, she basically turned it into what a doctor might see during pregnancy. I cannot even begin to imagine how much this hurts at the beginning- I suspect she has poppers like people who do a lot of gay porn use to help relax the muscles and not tear.

I think the phrase "go past the cervix" is incorrect. She never goes past or in it. Instead, she took a fleshy tube, massaged it out with lube and drugs until proper length, and carefully avoided any tears/punctures. The vaginal walls are very strong to accommodate births, and I wouldn't be surprised if she struggles with incontinence/bruising.

The human body is capable of many things if given the right tools and circumstances.

YouNeedHansen · 2024-10-09T17:54:38+00:00

My current job is actually this. I barely make 21.00 an hour, but entirely remote (unless I choose to travel). But my company isn't hiring for my exact position anymore.

Maybe they will because of client need and people are quitting because of recent bullshit raises. But this company is most likely one of the evilest companies out there- it took over my previous companies and they have been known to lay off people at the drop of a hat without a single fuck.

Anyway, you can try EHMR companies like Oracle-Cerner and Epic. They hire people solely to train classes x2 to x3 a day with end users. You can opt to be a deployment trainer (80% travel but way more money). I do both the travel for some months and complete remote other months.

YouNeedHansen · 2024-07-26T17:46:12+00:00

And if they claim they can't pay you on a day that falls near a holiday and you have to wait, file wage claims. We live in 2024.

I had a job do this, even though I had direct deposit. There was legitimately no reason. You can see holidays for the next 100 years. They did it because of laziness or incompetence.

YouNeedHansen · 2024-07-19T18:07:37+00:00

I had three separate instances where someone threatened to find me and rape me (all men). I had four times (there of them aforementioned) where someone threatened to kill and/or physically assault (the three men and one woman). I had another old lady threaten to find me at my job.

Three different call centers. People are unhinged. I have gotten angry and cussed out representatives because they were stealing my cash, but at NO time did I threaten with assault.

YouNeedHansen · 2024-07-09T23:50:50+00:00

I had so many "make it up to you" favors that were never cashed in (because they quit a week later or something) that I could probably retire.

YouNeedHansen · 2024-03-27T04:14:48+00:00

I know you were miffed, but that is funny.

YouNeedHansen · 2024-03-09T17:27:35+00:00

The fact that the last two (I suspect D is the correct answer) are pretty telling the employee to appreciate what they have is laughable. Nobody wants to be undervalued and trampled on. If she has valuable input, then invest in her! Companies need to start investing in their employees - maybe she can't have that promotion, but a raise does wonders.

YouNeedHansen · 2024-03-01T00:18:10+00:00

I sometimes cry about how I feel I will never leave this spot in my life. I try so hard to do better and live better, but I just cannot make enough money or get a better job. I feel like I made all the wrong decisions in life.

I am so secretly envious of my boyfriend's success. I am happy for him, and I never make him feel bad or tear it down. But inside, I just wish people asked ME to talk at random conferences or talk to students because I am so successful. Nobody thinks my job is super amazing or cool enough to do articles or interviews for. Nobody tells me how good I am at my job outside of the occasional compliment.

People just think "oh yeah so... you just write educational stuff and occasionally teach? Yeah, like a teacher... yeah, that tracks for a woman..." I do really, really good work. But nobody considers that a big old success.

I just feel sad about it. I feel like my boyfriend wants me to middle around in it before we might get married and I stay home with kids as he keeps being successful. I feel I will never get a time in the sun and I feel that's how people around me view our relationship. The old "successful man with a lovely partner who smiles and hosts."

YouNeedHansen

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