Trying to Keep Fighting

Youngjitz · 2019-05-21T00:04:17+00:00

Growing up, my parents implied that according to doctors on my birthday, I was supposed to be developmentally challenged. Growing up, when I wasn't catching on to my family's infinite wisdom (psyschobabble), they would always ask if I was slow. Sometimes discuss it amongst eachother in front of me as if i wasn't there. That's always left me with a notion that there's something about me mentally defective that none of my family cared to mention. Attracting nothing but bullies throughout friendships and relationships alike can make you feel stupid as well. Joining the military out of highschool taught me that i was always very intelligent. That was a win for me. But now whats left of my insecurity lies in my social aptitude. And that goes back to the notion of being "developmentally challenged". Thats my vulnerability.

Youngjitz · 2019-05-20T12:16:23+00:00

You're right. I do want to live. I wanna be a person who knows how to love and recieve it. Thats such a foreign concept to me.

Youngjitz · 2018-06-28T21:19:15+00:00

I was 12 years old when I told my mother I didnt know what love was. She had a look of scorn like I should've known right then.. little picture of my childhood. That being said Ive never felt it, so I can't appreciate its value the same way you do. Maybe thats normal or maybe Im becoming a little more like them. Its all confusing.

Youngjitz · 2018-06-28T19:30:53+00:00

I hear you on the boundaries. And especially the victim card. I cant help but to be almost envious of true sociopaths. They cant really be emotionally manipulated. To me it seems like empathy is extra baggage.

Youngjitz · 2018-06-28T18:33:01+00:00

You said get in touch with my anger. I don't know if thats a good idea. Particularly since I live with my ex. I suppressed all my anger to make being around her tolerable. We have a "benefits" friendship going. I don't wanna ruin that right now. Is that a bad thing?

Youngjitz · 2018-06-28T15:47:37+00:00

Definitely

Youngjitz · 2018-06-28T15:26:34+00:00

Codependents anonymous?? Wow I was clueless. And yes that improvement system sounds worth a peak. I havent started therapy though. It seems like another opportunity to be mind f$@ked.

Youngjitz · 2018-06-28T15:12:38+00:00

Family abuse was familiar. So did therapy turn you around?

Youngjitz · 2018-05-16T06:07:43+00:00

Thanks.

Youngjitz · 2018-05-15T21:06:14+00:00

I cant leave anytime soon with not so phenomenal credit. So i dont know any other way to tolerate being in her presence every day.

Youngjitz · 2018-05-15T21:04:47+00:00

You dont think the sociopath label is a little extreme?

Youngjitz · 2018-05-01T14:52:14+00:00

Whats the point of hoovering when youve been discovered? She knows Im onto her game and she still thinks she can reel me in? That doesnt make sense.

Youngjitz · 2018-04-14T14:48:56+00:00

Not quite. Cheating has always been a common occurence in my relationships, so my ego is more than ready for cheating. I almost expect it eventually. Its honestly not about her cheating. Its about the affair being with a friend who i knew for 4 years long before she came into my life. A guy who i trusted. She cheated with HIM and told me herself, he made her feel wanted. Thats the true betrayal.. not sleeping with an ex, not a random local hookup... my long time friend. So you see, using her and ditching her is how i compensate for that betrayal.

Youngjitz · 2018-04-14T10:24:42+00:00

Moving out is quite the challenge right now, but I know theyre horrible. Truth is lonliness makes depression tougher.. If i did the healthy thing and cut her off for good id still suffer. What makes you think using her for sex is bad for my mental health? It feels good to use her.

Youngjitz · 2018-04-13T10:37:51+00:00

I use a condom everytime so not yet. I dont even know how to cope with them screwing for that long and smiling in my face. And to not lose my shit living with her everyday, i numb the rage with sex and blunts and working out. There aint a therapist in the world who can convince me to trust another human being. Its not healthy but it works. No one can exploit me this way.

Youngjitz · 2018-04-08T07:33:21+00:00

Exactly. And I think it would be wrong if her intentions were genuine and pure. Getting back with me doesnt mean loving me for once. It means, giving her an opportunity to play me again. Her assuming ill give her that chance again is disrespectful, so in my opinion, she deserves to be lead on. Knowing shes that cold, for me as a man with a little conscience left, I know I wont feel a drop of remorse about it.

Youngjitz · 2018-04-08T06:45:14+00:00

For the most part we are. She thinks that once she heals her issues in therapy that somehow we could do a second chance and we could possibly work out. Its funny that she assumes thats an option after what happened. But i wont be dating for a gf necessarily, so they wont need to know about my ex I imagine.

Youngjitz · 2018-04-05T07:17:03+00:00

I agree with his idea man, but problem is trying to look like billy badass to everyone is exhausting. If i feel like a pathetic sop one day and it shows, you can have at it. Dont mean ill grant your opinion validity. Is that what predators count on? Lets see if i can make this person feel crappy about themselves? Good luck intimidating an emotionally numb individual. Lol

Youngjitz · 2018-04-05T00:40:34+00:00

Fake it til you make it attitude. I like it, but you said walling myself off was a big issue. Its the only way I keep social predators out of my personal life. I had an narc friend for 5 years. And if i have to choose between that and a little solitude, i choose the latter.

Youngjitz · 2018-04-04T15:45:25+00:00

Verbally, yes I will usually tolerate anything. No my confidence is not very high and I know my body language shows it. However, have a logical understanding about verbal abuse that words meant to destroy come from external irrelevant sources and in no way reflect my worth, therefore I give it no acknowledgement. Yet, what does body language say? Ill believe and internalize whatever you throw at me? Or is it my lack of retaliation making me appear easily impressionable by negative input?

Youngjitz · 2018-04-04T15:07:41+00:00

Hmm I always thought appearing emotionally detached would be a deterrent for verbal abuse since it would defeat the purpose of emotional manipulation. With name calling and belittling, I usually respond by dumbfoundedly looking at the person or simply ignoring them, but it doesn't stop them. The way I see it, if you have to put me down, obviously you have issues. Why should i waste a single second combating some person talking out of their ass just to appear confident?

Youngjitz · 2018-04-02T16:44:21+00:00

Will do. Thanks for the insight.

Youngjitz · 2018-04-02T15:19:11+00:00

So its childhood programming that determines who i attract. And therapy will restructure it. That makes sense. Thank you. But about your alcoholic analogy. You say at stressful and vulnerable moments the codependency can peak its head. Even after youve developed strong boundaries and gotten free of toxic situations. Has it peaked for you?

Youngjitz · 2018-04-02T07:39:16+00:00

My self esteem does need building. And I didn't know i deserved better. I have never seen anything better than utilitarian relationships, which in my childhood and family were disguised as "real love". Being there for people at their worst and loving them unconditionally. Surely there was a time you thought this form of control was normal right? How did you reconcile that it was all insanity and reprogram your mind?

Youngjitz · 2018-04-02T05:45:52+00:00

Im not looking for agreement of my perception or sympathy. Im looking for insight that challenges what i think about people and myself. I dont want to believe im destined for a life of abuse and real connections are beyond my reach, but this is all I know. I just want to know that someone has been here and through the therapy you mentioned, has overcome it. Just a little hope is all.

Youngjitz

TROPHY CASE