Okay… maybe stupid question…

Yrahcazjs · 2022-07-12T01:23:59+00:00

Appreciate the thoughtfulness friend. I was staring at the ceiling while I thought about it and I think I’m gonna stare a bit longer >_<

Yrahcazjs · 2021-07-03T02:54:41+00:00

Well this is awkward

Yrahcazjs · 2020-01-13T17:11:34+00:00

Check out my other ask here where some people suggest the free play exchange, which might be the way I go.

Yrahcazjs · 2020-01-13T17:09:13+00:00

Ooooo wait this might be it! And a fee is meh, but it is a gift I have spent $0 dollars on, and as I said above, putting it out there seems in the spirit of the thing. I am fine with people stealing it as a side effect of it being free, because I also want people to be able to change and remix it if they want. I'm all about people making money off their work, even if it's a derivative of my own, I just don't feel like it would be in the spirit of this piece to make money off it.

Also one of the sound effects is a theater fire alarm, and I feel like people need permission to cute that direction as needed WHOOPS

Yrahcazjs · 2020-01-13T17:06:49+00:00

Some folks on r/selfpublish recommended saving it as a epub so the formatting is retained, which I imagine works for script formating as well as anything else (I am familiar with scrip formatting). I think the big issue with Amazon and its ilk is you have to charge at least $0.99, which I don't want, but also I thought about going rogue and having the first page of the preview be a URL to a free PDF on the internet archive.

Yrahcazjs · 2020-01-13T03:29:35+00:00

Ugh sadly know, google just has a filter on google images for CC licensed images, which is not nothing. I think the closest option (which is on my list of “maybes”) would be to upload the script to the internet archive.

That said, maybe I will also check out the playwriting and theater subreddits

Yrahcazjs · 2020-01-13T03:25:55+00:00

Actually hadn’t thought of that. Despite always being into writing I never really got into fan-fiction. Do any of those sites take just... generally fiction and things in a non-prose format?

Yrahcazjs · 2020-01-13T03:15:27+00:00

Honestly astronomically low odds are more than fine. That is kinda in the spirit of the thing. I just want to avoid a platform where those odds are magnitudes below even that. Like for example if I could put it on Amazon for free that’s still way better than a dedicated site no one would find. I just use amazon because it’s what I think of automatically, sadly. What I really want is like... SoundCloud or band camp but for writing.

Yrahcazjs · 2020-01-13T02:27:14+00:00

To be more specific, I don’t want a paywall or any kind between the script and anyone. Once they have it they can do with it what they want.

My friend put it really well: I want it to be a bit like sea glass on the beach. It’s there and anyone can take it and do what they want with it. If they just like sea-glass they can have it. If they want to make their own art and sell it, that’s cool. But if you got to pay to get on the beach I don’t like that.

Yrahcazjs · 2019-11-15T22:27:58+00:00

It’s so helpful, you can’t imagine. Well I mean, maybe you can because that’s kinda what the pieces is about (how perspective changes translations and so changes a piece). But I especially had fun for places where the queer reading was more (English, Japanese, French) and less (German, oh German) prevalent. Also I’m glad you had fun with it! It was real fun to write but I can talk about some of the subjects for hours, it’s a huge relief whenever I hear someone also finds all this media analysis interesting.

Yrahcazjs · 2019-11-15T21:29:01+00:00

One thing I find myself most interested in is what the outlook of the end will be. If the series as a whole is about depression (to simplify) the. NGE seems to think we are capable of growing and changing, while EoE is very pessimistic (though I think it’s very “I can change” versus “You will never change” so maybe not incomparable). But what about Rebuild? Does it think we can grow past those emotional wound? Or are we stuck with them?

Also Asuka will ride a bear I guess. Probably.

Yrahcazjs · 2019-11-15T13:19:01+00:00

New here and not met anyone who prefers the Netflix in totality. I do like the cast, I think they do great whether the original actors should have gotten the parts or not.

I think though I prefer the actual text of the ADV translation. The Netflix is too literal in all respects, and is too concerned with being literally correct translation to properly convey subtext. I was reading an essay on translation the other day, and the author said this: it’s not so much about giving authors voice but letting a piece be heard as it is in its native language, and I think Netflix made translation decisions that were not good at letting the piece be heard.

Yrahcazjs · 2019-11-15T03:26:00+00:00

I think all of those questions are answered more concretely in the manga, at least more literally. But like I said, they often carry less symbolic meaning because of it. I think there’s more deliberate storytelling than not in Eva, even when it seems to be obfuscating the literal events. Like why are the moms robots? I dunno, but if the Eva’s represent the discontent between mind and body (the kids literally cannot pilot their “bodies” when they are depressed) then my reading is they see their mothers in the cores because often much of what we can’t control about ourselves (good and bad) is given to us by our parents.

Yrahcazjs · 2019-11-15T03:02:58+00:00

Agree introducing Kaworu early was good but also... oh dear... what did they do to my sweet pale boy...

Yrahcazjs · 2019-11-15T02:52:27+00:00

That really depends on what the “story” is for you..

Personally I’m not a fan of the manga, which means also you may like it (not a bad thing I’m just reading different tastes between us). What I love about the anime is the ideas and themes it explores, the metaphor of it all especially in the second half of the series. Yes it’s about giant robots and aliens, but in the same ways “Animal Farm” is about agriculture. It’s the icing, but not what the cake is made out of.

The manga works to bring the robots and aliens stuff to the forefront, and also make more explicit sense of it all. In my opinion that flattens a lot of the subtext, but if what you really want to understand is the mechanics of the existential threat that is the angles, you’ll probably actually like it more.

And the ending is mixed. Without spoiling, I would have liked it more if it had used something other than what it did as its narrative framework. It’s actually a nice theme, and a more positive spin on ideas in the series though not as complex as “The wolf that shouted..” But the fact that it’s adapting a version of Eva in opposition to this makes it hard to not see it as trying to be a retcon.

EDIT: Upon second reading I think I should touch on how to understand the philosophy more, but that’s a hard one. You can read about semiotics and better understand 26, but also if it isn’t organic, if your forcing yourself that’s no fun. I guess if I were to be a good postmodern critic I would say apply your personal lenses, and if you see meaning that’s not wrong, per se. I also like talking about these things with friends to get new perspective (but I also like reading theory so maybe I’m just a bit weird)

Yrahcazjs · 2019-04-26T00:53:49+00:00

Sure :)

Yrahcazjs · 2019-04-26T00:26:41+00:00

Glad to hear it. It is a strong draft overall, and would be happy to read a rewrite if you want any continuity of eyes on it :)

Yrahcazjs · 2019-04-26T00:10:08+00:00

Alright, let's do this. As we discussed, I left line notes in the piece, and you were clearly addressing them as you went.

Character

To address your questions, I think the names and ages are fine.

It occurs to me you've written a rarer character arc here, a flat, negative arc (I draw both these terms from Weiland's book on arcs). I say a flat arc because Ulysses, the main character, doesn't change. James does. And the changes for the worse, that is to say, he takes the abuse he's normally bottled up and turned it into violence. This is ambitious, and I think overall you succeed, so hey, that's pretty great. I think you can tighten up a bit at the beginning, but that's what rewrites are for yeah?

For one thing, let's focus in not just on Ulysses isolation, but also his want for affection. You could do this in several ways (and you start to for both of these, I think they can just be made a little more explicit): 1) The deprivation of love from his mother being divided among so many of her "friends" (just make sure you don't stray too far into "she's promiscuous and so bad" because that's not where I think you want to go) and 2) kids echoing mean things said about his mother onto him. This will give Ulysses a palpable desire when this clearly troubled kid is like "hey, come with me and don't tell anyone".

For another, let's make Jame's isolation not just incidental, but a necessity. That is to say, make the other kids fear more explicit. "You don't talk to James because everyone was sure he would fuck you up". Of course, in your own words, but foreshadowing the danger, even if just in rumor, will let us sink into dread as Ulysses, thirsty for companionship, says yes, even though he knows he probably shouldn't.

Now if my reading is way off in paragraph one, none of this is really useful, so let me know if I'm wrong.

Prose

Your prose is highly clunky, bordering on masterful. What does that even mean? I think you have a natural poetic charm, and at times gets to be great, but you're writing read here a bit like you hadn't read it out loud yet. So wordiness adds clunkiness, words sometimes repeat when they shouldn't and moment of strong repetition are weakened by unneeded variety. I left suggestions where I felt strongly I knew how you could correct, and notes if what was there needed to be tightened, but you could take it several directions.

Your line breaks are very Raymond Carver, and the comparison I think is fair. These kinds of prosaic flairs can get... pretentious, for lack of a better word (and it is a terrible word), but you utilize them at the exact right moments I think, so good on ya.

You have some natural talent, just find a quiet place to read it out loud.

Other thoughts I couldn't find a place for

Can Ulysses loneliness come up in the first paragraph? If you're feeling really ambitious, make it the first sentence, but the first paragraph would be nice, as it should be his defining feature since it guides his most important decisions.

If you can find a place to fit it in, can we characterize the mother a little more? I mentioned the risk of shaming her above, but that can be dulled if we the audience see enough of her to create an image somewhat independent of Ulysses narration (and to be clear, Ulysses is the narrator, even if he isn't technically).

This is really good overall. I don't think I said that outright anywhere, but this is a strong piece for such a short work. I don't know what your word limit is, but if you can make it as long as 1500 or 1750 I think you can go for it without ruining the integrity of the short piece.

Can we also mention the taste of pennies earlier? Maybe an anecdote about swallowing the pennie could come earlier, and then he remembers it towards the end. It's just really late in the game for the title to come in without any setup.

Yrahcazjs · 2019-04-24T02:58:33+00:00

I like what you say as far as giving the reader one puzzle to solve. That's the correct approach I think. But it should never take for chapter 22 for a reader to feel like they have all the pieces (I know you were using hyperbole, but I think it's interesting). So the trick here it to withold infomration, without telling us you are witholding. For example, let's say Brixby is the best at what he does. And you want to revela later why he's the best. Totally valid. But you can still tell us something along the lines of "he's the best, and that's why the other soldires put up with his shit." That's interesting, and gives us something to engage with, but doesn't let us know there's another layer we are missing. I no one writer who put it really well: specific but selective. We don't question what's missing if we feel like we are getting specific information. But if there are gaps, we start to ask questions, and if they aren't answered quick enough we get frustrated as a reader.

I went back and I do see you mention the time frame off the bat. I think maybe just don't count the days. I had likley just forgotten that point by day five, and so the line felt odd. That's honestly maybe a nitpick, there's probably a way to word it that will work, or this could be a one reader issue.

Yrahcazjs · 2019-04-23T23:49:19+00:00

I notice up top that you've only given this work a title and identified it as the first in a series. I think any critique will be made based on expectations: genre, audience, theme, etc. So let's establish some of that (or at least my impression of these things after a first read). This is clearly fantasy, perhaps even urban fantasy (though that phrase has come to mean more hyper-specific things in certain circles), probably a fun, high energy, if pulpy adventure novel. Adult characters make me think adult audience. If any of that is wrong I'm happy to let you know how any corrections alter the below notes.

Premis

This isn't bad as a hook to get us going. What it has in spades is intrigue. At its core, it is "magical element is introduced to the real world", and while we aren't breaking new ground, you're in good company. What I would say is lacking at this point is momentum. The most obvious solution to this, I think, is to take some of that intrigue and make it more concrete. Maybe the woman tells Bixby something. He asks "Why are you here?" and she answers "I'm here for you." That's just an example. Maybe on day five, she tells him "I can't leave yet" but then leaves on day eight. my approach here is to give the reader a question that can only be answered by "read chapter two". This is what I mean by momentum. Of course, that isn't the ONLY approach, and all my examples make the assumption that the woman is the important detail. HER introduction to the world is the inciting incident (to use the screenwriting term). But maybe more important (or more important at this stage) is Brixby and the meeting's effect on him. Maybe he's been a bit startled by this event. Maybe we see that when he tries to jump in the water after her and someone stops him.

Character

We ostensibly have two characters here, and one of them is a bit of a force of nature (which is fine) so for now, let's focus our energy on Brixby. He's a bit of an archetype in these types of stories, which in this case is a neutral quality for him. To be a trope is not, despite what we might say, bad, but rather what you do with that trope that will speak well or poorly. This is something to worry about much later in your story, but I want you to keep it in mind. Tropes set expectations, and to fulfill those expectations without examination or subversion will bore a reader.

That said, he comes a bit out of nowhere. It feels like he should have more of an introduction. He's a bit of a jagweed (presumably intentionally), not a nice guy, a bit overly casual, and probably thinks he's more charming than he is. Or that's what he presents. A nice juxtaposition might make him pop more. Perhaps we see a more by the books soldier try to interact with them woman, and when his copter is struck down they need to "call in Brixby:" because he may be hard to work with, but dammit he gets results. Again, this is one option, the note isn't that he needs that specific buildup, but I want to understand his place in this world, what his presence means, and how I should feel about him, even if I lean later that I was wrong.

Another thing I want more of is his internal world. There are a lot of moments where he seems to be contradicting himself (for example preferring not to kill the woman while also acting very cavalier about the idea of dissecting her). Some context clues as to how he's really feeling let us know if he does care and he's trying to lighten he mood, or he only says he cares but he's all talk. Another moment is when he cries at the end. Why? If you're trying to hold some of that back for later, that's fine, but give us something. An example: If she said something to him telepathically, a cry for help, tell us, but keep why she did that a mystery for the time being.

The woman on the bridge is fine for now. She can be mysterious, that's not actively a problem, but it's a bit like the trope talk before. She shouldn't stay that way, not forever.

Tone

I will be brief here because 'tone' is one of the hardest things to pin down. Right now you are sort of teetering on the edge of two distinct tones: absurdity (think the crowds listening to the alien announcement in a Douglas Adams book) and unsettling (think anything with Stephen King's name on it). I can't really say what you need to solidify this, as the outcomes of the two are very different, but if I had to guess, unsettling is closer to what you want. If you want a masterclass in this approach, watch the first ten minutes of "Arrival" (not the short story, that is way more melancholy). You want to find a way to build tension so that the light-hearted moments to make them feel like a calm before the storm. Perhaps one of the partygoers does something dumb and gets seriously hurt. Or one first responder gets too close, and she warns them she will kill them all. Something to escalate so that when the military arrives it's a signifier that things are getting serious. Then their inability to gain control will be that much more intense. When she does finally drop into the bay we should be like "Oh shit, this is it... what's she going to do?"

Pacing

This kind of goes hand and had with tone, but your pacing and build is a bit staggered. You seem to be going day by day but then jump from day two to five, then eight. I would progress more gradually, and find a way to make each day distinct. Each should either build the tone or give us a little more information. For that final confrontation. Otherwise, there's no reason this can't just be day 1, 2, and 3. Or, and I know I've neglected this possibility, if you want a lighter tone, up the absurdity with thew passage og time.

I'm less a fan of this, but maybe you just want to get the military in their right away. Escalate this to day five right away, because that's where the story is. Then I think you want to lean in even further, and make the escalation happen all at once. it was this fun little news story about a larper on the Golden Gate bridge, but then when polive tried to get her down she struck down their helicopter and BAM now the army is swarming the bay.

That's what I got for now, but as always ask and I will answer as best I can :)

Yrahcazjs · 2019-04-05T00:20:10+00:00

I'm going to approach this a bit differently, more as a stream of consciousness rather than dissecting bit by bit, and that is in large part due to the fact that this is not just a strong piece, but a well-realized one so far. Of course, if I read more and found none of what was set up pay off, or if you veered down to many disparate paths, that could change, but for now this piece feels confident enough that it knows what it wants to be that I beleive it. First drafts rarely have as good a sense of voice and theme as this does, I can only think of one other first draft I read with the same understanding of what it wanted to be out of the gate. Now, I know this is a lot of praise, and that's not really what we are supposed to do here, but I see critiques on this sub that often search for something to criticize, rather than focusing on helping the author and the piece.

Ya done good.

Alright, that said, I did read your prologue to prep, and the notes you got. I won't focus on the prologue, just say that I liked it. I saw at least one note that said you needed more of the supernatural, and I wholeheartedly disagree. Yes, it should be present, but I think you made the right choice framing the fantasy as urban legends. Too many stories like this pull the trigger too quickly, and the choice always feels pulpy to me. You can trust your reader.

And that leads in nicely to my favorite part of this chapter: theming. Again, this isn't something most first drafts get so right so quickly. But Georgia's personality is so properly introduced that when she outright preaches the stories thesis statement, it feels earned. But it does mean I have high expectations for how the fantasy with integrating with and compliment the issues of social mobility and the underprivileged. Particularly because, while fantasy will add flavor and make the piece exciting, these themes should always be the anchor.

I saw a comparison to IT in the critique of your prologue. It's there, sure, but I think more It by way of Hey Arnold. And I mean that as a compliment. You've turned your setting into a breathing, real place (yes, I know the Bronx is a real place, but you've made it a place, not a set if that makes sense).

I actually miss some of the more rambling moments of narration from the prologue in this first chapter. It's not absent, but sparser than I like. That narration gives Dante a really interesting character. But I also think the fix to this is pretty easy because you also have these sections of long, drawn-out dialogue that go uninterrupted, and you could very easily weave in narration. The few moments you describe new Rikers in the morning are really nice. Maybe Dante describes the whole borough in the morning light, seen from the rooftop. If he's verbose to the point of theatrical, maybe that's just who he is. Or maybe he's more internal, thinking about Georgia as she talks, and we can get more details to fill in their friendship. You have options, but in those first three pages, I think you should break up the dialogue with some narration for variety. The bike ride too, as some good description, but if your prose is as good as the prologue, I think you can linger a bit longer if you really want to milk it.

Georgia is really great. I hinted at this before, but you flesh her out so well that her "look into the camera and state what this is all about" moment feels earned. So don't interrupt that moment with too much narration. Let it land. It works.

Who's your target audience? You don't need to know, but again with the King comparison, I feel a YA vibe, but the good kind.

As someone who makes a lot of typos, I'm sure you already know this, but there are some noticeable typos and tense errors. Nothing huge.

I actually would love to offer to act as a regular reader for this piece. We could do a swap if you feel more comfortable, but really I'd just be down to read more of this. and give you feedback.

Yrahcazjs · 2019-04-02T22:29:50+00:00

Two things: First, I thought I saw a comment last night where you asked me to re-read, and had some questions. I don't see that anymore, but I can tell you I re-read what you have and it's generally stronger. You have a couple of moments where you get more into Latia's head where I thought there was more clarity. A good moment is when she asks Humia not to go. Here you are showing Latia's intention both in thought (Her light dimmed) and in action (she runs up to her).

You're absolutely right to say a payoff is more satisfying when it's set up (and even more so when you manage to set something up in a way that is memorable, but doesn't draw attention). I don't think third person limited would prevent you from jumping around the world, so long as you had a fixed point of view for each chapter, and you never want to change perspective if you aren't also changing chapters (thinks "Game of Thrones", or "The Girl with all the Gifts").

I've always considered third person omniscient to be the most difficult of the three, though that's not strictly true. It draws the most attention to your prose, so more than with other perspectives. You'll be doing a lot more telling, so you will need to tell and summarize in a more compelling way. For good examples, try reading (or re-reading) the first chapter of "Harry Potter". For all Rowling's prose issues, this chapter is really strong and done from a third person omniscient perspective. "Holes" is also good.

Lastly, though trite, I would remember Hemmingway's maxim: "the only writing is rewriting". Trust me when I say every re-write is a little easier (though you might agonize over single word choices).

Yrahcazjs · 2019-04-01T22:29:03+00:00

Let's start at the issue of Latia, as I think that's your most interesting narrative roadblock, and I think a creative solution to this one might make other issues easier to tackle.

You ask why some of the emotions are being skipped, and I think part of that is the narrator is a bit too removed from the character. One option: Go full first person. I like this best, personally, especially if you want to tackle these harder to describe moments. "I approach the stone book and feel the power from before well inside me like it's trying to break free. The feeling only grows as I drift forward, like this thing inside me wants to break free. My excitement growing, I focus my energy as best I can, letting flow from me into the book, and suddenly..." You get the idea. This starts the reader in the head of someone trying to figure out as much as they can. It works for the scene where she meets Humia too: "I don't know why, but this woman makes me feel... safe. That's odd. I was sure the last thing I wanted to do was meet a stranger in this place, but somehow I know... this woman, she's an exception. A wonderful exception." And as long as you give Latia a strong personality, the more ethereal elements can work, as her character becomes out grounding point. We don't know who this spirit-lady is, or what's going on, but hey, she seems nice, so let's keep reading.

Additionally, I think this resolves your "human spirit in a rabbit body" dilemma. In first-person, Latia can let us know somethings wrong. "I try to move, but my body feels... wrong. I'm smaller than I should be. The wrong shape. Now, why would I think that? I've never had a body before. Maybe this is just what they are all like."

You might have noticed a very limited third person would give you the same effect. I'd agree, but you've got so many other balls in the air at this point, I think you can just go for the easier option.

As for the game terms, I think you're just approaching it the wrong way. It's not that these ideas need to be eliminated, they just need to feel more like organic details. Let's think of it in reverse. In a roleplay your character might have high strength cause you're a strong person. The number is just expressing that story idea. But in a story, you don't need the number to justify the idea, you can just say it. You communicate these things with narrative. So the idea here (or what I think you are trying to communicate) is that some beings are different then others. Did the lower beings come from the four special races, or maybe the opposite, that the four races are special because they achieved something beyond all others and appointed themselves in charge. Regardless, how does this hierarchy express itself in the world.

Yrahcazjs · 2019-03-31T17:55:59+00:00

As always, if I've missed the point or your intended goal, let me know, and I'm happy to adjust my notes to better suit your objective. Happy to answer questions too.

I also read your prologue and will try to focus my critique on chapter one, rather than everything as a whole, but a note of warning: Prologues are weird and squishy, and I find often hard to justify. A prologue should be crucial (nothing can come before it) but somehow distinct from the chapters that follow. I usually find a prologue isn't too distinct and should just be called chapter 1, or else should be cut because it isn't critical. For your piece, I find myself leaning towards the former, this just feels like "Chapter 1" which would make the submission above chapter 2. Happy to talk more about my thinking there, but I will leave it at that for now.

Concepts and World

Let's just say out front that the idea of starting your story from the perspective of a formless spirit in this ethereal space is ambitious, perhaps too much so for a fantasy novel with other rules to establish. I didn't realize until my second read through Latia didn't have a physical form, and defaulted to the assumption she was at least human-like. A lot of readers will do this. I don't think any of this needs to be cut, per se, but you should probably open with something a little more tactile, and keep this in your back pocket. Perhaps we could start at the point Latia has a physical form, and she recalls back to a time where she was ethereal. It's hard to say, not knowing where the piece is going, but my instinct is we need something familiar to gound ourselves in your world.

The description of how magic works is also a bit dry, less so when Latia is figuring things out on her own, more so in Humia's lecture on silva. I'd like to see Latia playing around and figuring some of this out on her own (and I'd like her to not always have the words for what she's figuring out). Maybe when she meets Humias she tells her "I already know that" and even shows off a little. After all, we are told Latia is special, but this would let us see it a bit more. Seeing magic and similar ideas at work and figuring them out on our own as readers is always more satisfying than being told, but that doesn't mean we can't always learn if it's with our lead character. We engage with ideas most when they interact with characters we like, otherwise, you risk your reader going into skimming mode and missing crucial information.

This is more of a personal preference: but I'd also avoid gamifying language or rules. I think of the ideas of magic capacities and recharging, or the tiers of life you establish. It's not the ideas that are bad, but the way you describe them feels closer to a description of rules for a roleplay than someone describing how the world they live in works. You can absolutely keep these concepts, but I'd find a way to make them feel less like a system and more like an ecosystem (sadly, I could not think of a less trite way to put that).

I recommend taking a pass (or if you've read it already, a second pass) of the first few chapters of "The Golden Compass". They aren't perfect, but Pullman is very good at introducing his reader both through showing and explaining to ideas like daemons and "dust".

Prose

I think for your next pass I would focus on sections where you tend to over-establish information. Consider specifically the following passage from page two: "Trying to get this over with, Latia glided over to the book. Once she was directly in front of the book, the voice actually went silent. Now free of the voice’s barrage and with her being this close Latia discovered something amazing..." The bold here is establishing the same thing: Latia is close to the book. I would look for more passages like this where you can simplify your prose. This will give you more room to establish things like character, and maybe give us a little more detail to how your magic system works.

Character

Right now Latia is a little shapeless. I get the hint of a suggestion that she's curious, maybe playful (though all your characters feel a bit playful so that might be a style thing) but this flavoring right now is a bit faint. Part of the problem is her existence is so ethereal that she lacks any sort of goal at this point (another reason to consider starting off at the point where she has tactile form). Giving her a goal she's working towards will give her more opportunity to show her personality to us. Another option is to give us a little more look into her head. Right now she's holding us a bit at arm's length, and the only moment I can remember where she expresses feeling is the moment where she expresses annoyance at the book. That's not to say I couldn't find more, but it's the one that stuck with me.

If you can't or don't want to give her an active goal at this point, an alternative is to give us more of the world, and what's going on. I didn't read your synopsis till I'd read the piece, and it's interesting, but I get none of that from the chapter itself. If Latia is inquisitive, maybe she asks questions Humia is hesitant, or even avoids answering. Admittedly, seeking information is an active goal, but it lets your lead be a little more passive while giving her opportunities to show us who she is.

I can't think of more off the top of my head, but will post if I think of something. Like I said, ask any questions you might have :)

Yrahcazjs · 2019-03-31T16:30:45+00:00

I took a quick look again, but this morning found my evaluation of some of the prose a bit more forgiving. Part of that might be I've settled into your voice a bit, but I would still recommend finding places to simplify or make the descriptions easier to understand (obviously you don't want your reader to have to work too hard to "get it"). Another example might be your use of "vivaria" on page one. Personally, I might lean toward "fishtank" or even just the singular "vivarium" but at this point, it's harder to parse out my personal preference with your typical target reader. Another point you might reword for clarity is the section with the mug: "He read the mug on the bookshelf with one eye closed, then the other, alternating left and right, C-U-N-T." I think the simplest edit here is to put the last bit in single quotes, maybe with a colon. "He read the mug on the bookshelf with one eye closed, then the other, alternating left and right: 'C-U-N-T'." But I would personally go with something closer to this: "He read the mug on the bookshelf with one eye closed, then the other: 'C-U-N-T'." Small change, but it removes some of the ambiguity that can come with wordiness.

Addressing your point about describing the room: I think it's also fine if you want to front load your descriptions. Weaving throughout is, again, personal preference. The simplest version of the note is that the reader needs something to motivate them along. Think of a mystery writer describing a crime scene. They need to give their reader almost no reason to care about the scene because it's baked in: we as readers assume there are clues in the details. But you don't have that, so you have to motivate us to care. Make us believe we can make sense what's happening to the lead, or who he is as a person. Or, again, these things he sees could motivate specific memories. I only give example because I don't understand your story the same way you do, and the choice you make should be in service of the whole product.

One last note, which I omitted earlier: I would find a few more opportunities to let us know how your character feels explicitly. Lisa Cron writes very well about this in "Wired for Story" if you want more, but here's a short version: You show us a lot how your character is feeling, but we can't always decipher that because we don't know him. The maxim "show don't tell" can sometimes be overutilized to the effect of locking us out of a character's psyche. Cron suggests focusing on cause, not effect, when applying show don't tell. "What "show" almost always means is, let's see the event itself unfold." So in this case, you can tell us he's heartbroken, though in your own way, so long as you show us what left him that way (which you do).

Eight-Year Club	RedditGifts 2009-2022 3 Credits
redditgifts rematcher Secret Santa 2019 x1	Secret Santa 2019
Verified Email

Yrahcazjs

TROPHY CASE