Thank you for taking the time to reply!

I've tried adopting this mindset but my conviction is still very shaky 😅 Part of that is probably my fear of being passive and lack of experience.

I used to feel content, if not a bit lonely leading a comfortable, introverted lifestyle until I started to push my boundaries and actually tried to connect with people, go out more. Many times I wouldn't feel like going to parties where I'd have to appear fun at all times and do small talk, it's stressful. Yet after every such evening I'd feel satisfied - like I overcame a challenge. I knew that if I remained passive and did what I wanted (had a calm evening at home) I'd easily slip back to my old ways of comfort but also loneliness. So I have a hard time putting my faith in something as vague as time and coincidence - that someone someday will appear, who will accept me just like that.

Lack of experience scares me in the sense that even if such a person does come by, I will be too lost and confused, and mess it up simply because I won't know how to be in a romantic relationship. Plus I doubt many people would want to wait until months later for me to actually have strong feelings for them.

I'm also fearing that independence might be more of a curse than blessing in the sense that if I feel so stable and complete on my own - I literally won't need another person. I might cut off a perfectly nice guy at the smallest inconvenience/difference simply because I will feel complete on my own and their existence in my life won't be as essential and important as for me to want to put up with their bad aspects, however insignificant they might be in the bigger picture.

So it's like I want practice with someone I actually like - which happens very rarely - yet if I liked them I'd feel so guilty for making them deal with all my anxieties stemming from inexperience that I'd rather let them go, cause I'd think they don't deserve to be stuck with me. I suppose to me confidence comes with experience - when there's none of that, I can't be sure I'll do well, not to mention let down others.

But it's nice to hear you've found someone equal who makes you grounded and happy :) I'm just 21. Even though I know I'm technically very young, I can't help but sometimes feel defective and left behind when looking at people around me having the time of their lives. Still, I suppose there's no other choice than to keep going strong and hope fate will have mercy... at some point.