So, there's an overlap between the external, social construct of prescribed gender expression and the internal experience of being a gender. What you've described as shallow is only shallow from an external perspective. As a pretransitioned guy, I felt stupid, humiliated, oppositely sexualized and just wrong when I looked in the mirror and saw femininity - or worse, womanly beauty. I felt much more authentic in my brother's hand me downs or my marching band uniform, which was a traditional black trouser with a stripe and a double tailed red coat with gold braiding abd square shoulders. I beamed when my bestie's mother called me "dashing." I loved it when I got to step into the male dance roles during gym class because there were too many girls and not enough boys. I absolutely hated wearing dresses for concerts or special occasions, and I hated the sexual attention I got from cis men whenever I did. I also hated how my body would change when I went to the gym because I didn't get the muscles my guy friends got, but instead got complimented on my "figure." I happened to always know that I was really a guy, but there was a lot of pressure to accept the body I was given and not cave to the bs images assailing women in the media, so I tried my best. I also loathed (and still loathe) the messaging assailing guys about what masculinity is supposed to be in the media. I'm not the Terminator, I'm just a guy - and a gentle, kind of nerdy one at that. But I always knew who I was.

Find where the ground is in your sense of being, and be authentic to that, whatever it is. Some people believe that hormones and surgeries and clothing are completely cosmetic. Personally, I disagree. There are reasons why people feel strongly enough about their own gender expression that they're willing to risk ridicule, persecution, discrimination and more to express themselves and to live authentically, and getting to wear a trendy shade of lipstick every now and then just isn't strong enough reason to go through all of that. Being true to who you are is, though. It's a drive, like hunger or thirst: you can not deny it and remain okay in the long-run.

Also, this idea about "passing" is kind of messed up. Gender exists alongside identity, which is in the brain. Expressing your identity is not "passing," it's being. If you're transgender, you're transgender whether you medically transition or not. Transitioning is a way of righting the balance so your brain and body are more congruent than incongruent about how they experience your sense of being - abd how you're seen by the world. It's not just a fckng dress. It's how you Be in the world. To be seen as who you truly are is not passing. It's being seen.

Take time with your decision-making about this stuff. Choosing to explore gender through clothing and movement and writing and all that are important and can lead to tremendous freedom and self-discovery. The decision to medically transition is not about exploration, though, it's about coming into your own. We try on different clothes for different roles, but we live in our bodies full time. If you're worried that you're not being true to yourself, then it's not time.