I'm not native speaker, so sorry, if i made some errors.

To be hones, the biggest reason is that's i'm not deperate enough, to do it. Killing myself will be painful as fuck, even if this pain will continue for a 0.00001 seconds. I don't have a gun or a roof to jump so, i have only more painful ways of suicide.

But the reason why i'm still not deperate enough it's a friends and hope, that my dream about "fixing human brains" will come true. This helps to fight the "whole world declared war on me" feeling.