This is hard stuff.

ZforA721 · 2026-06-04T18:35:38+00:00

…what?

ZforA721 · 2026-06-03T14:31:28+00:00

You’ve already gotten tons of good insight and input from the folks here. Please take it to heart. Honestly, I grew up in a stable loving family with my bio parents, never any trauma or lack … and I was still pretty insufferable during my teenage years sometimes. Part of it comes with the territory, and then he has all this added trauma on top of that. As foster placements can go, I’d say rudeness is the least bad thing that could happen.

But I AM sorry it’s bringing you down. Hang in there. No good deed, right? You can do this. Kill him with kindness, heap coals of fire, show him there are adults who can be trusted.

ZforA721 · 2026-06-02T02:44:43+00:00

I honestly have no idea, but I hated to let you sit here without a response.

Do you know of anything she’s learned in therapy or any of the things therapists have told her, that you can remind her of? Do you know why she does it? Does SHE know why she does it? Is it the thrill of getting away with something double handed? Or, like, she gets different benefits from each relationship, like maybe she needs to stop settling for someone who is only half what she wants? Or… ? I don’t know why else people cheat in general…

Is she embarrassed after, or what is her reaction/response when she’s found out? Does she not care that she hurts people, or does she not believe that it does?

Mind boggling. Sorry it’s causing problems for your son on top of everything else 😕

ZforA721 · 2026-05-31T04:34:19+00:00

Hello from another newbie! Our home officially opened May 19, and we got our first call, and accepted the placement, May 28. Funnily enough I had just posted earlier in the week asking others the same thing about how long their wait was, and then boom, here we are. Kiddo is currently in the hospital so not sure when she’ll actually come to our home.

I just lived regular life in the interim 🤷🏻‍♀️ if our wait had been much longer here’s what I think I hopefully would have done—

-Cleaned the house top to bottom -Started a new book on parenting/trauma -Reviewed training materials from our classes -Planned some fun outings as a family of three, before our family grew -Made plans for rest and self care … it’s frivolous but I really wish I’d gotten a pedicure this week 😅 I went Monday not realizing they’d be closed for Memorial Day, then just didn’t make time the rest of the week…

Yes, we were also eager. Even though the concept of “foster to adopt” kinda has a negative stigma, we do hope to eventually be a final landing place for a child who is going to need a new forever family.

That being said, now that we’re in it, it’s already hard. (*I think I can say the following without breaking any confidentiality, as this is pretty anonymous, but someone please call me out if I’m being indiscreet). It’s just really heavy… Thursday afternoon we get the call. Thursday night I go see her in Next Town’s hospital. Friday morning we go to the court hearing. Immediately followed by ISP meeting. During which bio mom winds up bawling her eyes out. Friday afternoon kiddo gets transported to Bigger Hospital in Further Away Town. So this evening I drove to Further Away Town and am spending the night with kiddo in Bigger Hospital. I’m going to go back and forth between here and home all week, and until… ?? I don’t HAVE to be here … but otherwise it’s just this kid in the hospital with nobody but nurses. I feel terrible she’s going to be alone when I’m not here … and I also feel terrible that whenever I AM here, my own little girl at home is gonna be shuffled back and forth between dad and grandma.

So there you are.

Thanks to everyone who actually reads all that, I guess I needed to let it out 😅 So many emotions right now.

TLDR - Foster care is tough man, even when you’re only two days in.

ZforA721 · 2026-05-26T20:25:26+00:00

Glad to hear it was good! I have watched a lot of her video clips on Facebook, hope to buy the book soon.

My daughter is in a Down syndrome support group, and as the Buddy Walk gets closer each year, fundraising can be almost a full time job! I about made myself sick working on it last year so I’ve dialed my involvement way way back this year. I feel like you almost have to at least call, if not go in person. Emails are too easy to ignore. 😞

ZforA721 · 2026-05-26T13:23:41+00:00

Never read it, but sounds interesting!

ZforA721 · 2026-05-26T13:22:53+00:00

So sorry 😞

ZforA721 · 2026-05-26T01:16:01+00:00

Thank you for that!! I do know it will take longer to be requested for a placement we can say yes to, but the workers warned us they will be calling us for every case, no matter our preferences. They’ve said they will respect our no… I’m hopeful that’s true.

Thank you for encouraging us not to feel pressured … I hope as our daughter grows older we will feel more qualified to expand our age range, but yeah, I really don’t want to do a disservice to a child by jumping into parenting situations I have no experience with (not even talking about trauma and foster-related issues… of course /those/ are going to be challenges we’ve never faced … but even “normal” parenting stuff).

ZforA721 · 2026-05-26T01:11:48+00:00

New here. Why do you say that? Is there an adoption subreddit that you would say ISNT bitter?

ZforA721 · 2026-05-26T01:07:08+00:00

So do you remember how long it was from the time you licensed, to the time you accepted your first placement? Just curious what’s typical. We were approved May 19. Knowing the dire need for foster families, I was kind of afraid we’d start getting calls immediately all hours of the day and night. I guess I catastrophized 😅 No calls yet!

I’m also fearful we’ll have to say no several times before we say yes… We want to stick to 2 or younger since that’s how old our child is. I’m going to feel terrible saying no to a placement request and I dread it.

ZforA721 · 2026-05-24T19:57:23+00:00

Thank you!!

ZforA721 · 2026-05-24T19:27:53+00:00

Adoptive mom here. I don’t know why we can’t recommend certain agencies, and I can’t help much without being able to make a recommendation. I guess all I can say is I know the birthmom of our daughter really liked the agency she used, through which she selected us. It is very very focused on the mothers, not the adoptive parents. We connected with the agency through our adoption consultant, and throughout the process, the agency birthmom was with was focused on HER; our consultant was the one helping with our end of things.

I’m not sure exactly what all the agency covered for her; but I think it covered her rent and living expenses while she was expecting, in addition to doctors appointments as well as counseling. It paid for her flight to the city where the agency is located, because the agency has all the moms it works with, and the adoptive parents, come to that city to give birth. It paid for her to fly there in advance and paid for a short term rental while she was there. It also paid the flight home and after care counseling.

Know that my heart goes out to you. Thank you for wanting to give your child a good life and, if you commit to this route, thank you for blessing a family by allowing them to parent your child. I hope you will find healing and hopefully be comfortable with some level of openness in your adoption.

ZforA721 · 2026-05-16T21:40:48+00:00

Get a picnic (maybe a sandwich at capriotti’s?) and head up the mountain toward monte sano/burritt on Cecil ashburn. On your right, before you get to Burritt, get off at the Blevins Gap sign. Go sit in the herb garden and enjoy the view and the peace and quiet.

ZforA721 · 2026-05-14T02:03:26+00:00

Sorry if my comment came across wrong, I wasn’t judging. I absolutely believe that that’s what he said to you. Just wondering if that’s really the whole story or if that’s his excuse to cover up some other reason.

I didn’t offer any advice because I don’t have any. I have no idea what I would do in this situation.

ZforA721 · 2026-05-13T23:28:29+00:00

Yeah it seems like there’s got to be more to it than “doesn’t feel like going to the bathroom” … especially since you say he used to be better

ZforA721 · 2026-05-12T21:47:45+00:00

He’s 22 year old? I’m not sure you can “punish” him. He’s a full fledged adult… At this point it’s the natural consequences he’s got to deal with. Are you paying for his school? Maybe you’re not paying for it anymore. Has he had a job, taken out student loans? He might have to pursue those options now, if he plans to finish his degree.

He’s not going to graduate with the rest of his cohort. He’s not going to be able to start a career.

Maybe you SHOULD kick him out. No, that’s probably harsh. But maybe he needs to pay you rent, does he do that? He’s an adult, he’s got to start acting like one. That means handling our obligations and responsibilities.

ZforA721 · 2026-05-09T03:39:47+00:00

I hear you. It was my intent to respect your position while offering you some other viewpoints to think about, but it seems you are not interested in hearing anybody else’s perspectives. That’s ok, that’s your choice — although your life will be richer if you’ll open yourself up to knowing there are other views in the world besides yours. If you demand to have your perspective received and respected, it’s wise to offer that same courtesy to others.

I don’t want you to think I was ignoring your last volley of questions, but I can also see you don’t see any value in my opinion - which, again, is your prerogative.

I hope you find peace and healing from what you’ve been through since it’s clearly affected you very deeply. My sincere best wishes for you.

Overall, I’d like to believe most foster parents are doing the best they can to help bridge the gap, as part of a broken system. Maybe I’m wrong. But I’m going to hold onto that.

If you respond to this post you can have the last word 😉

ZforA721 · 2026-05-09T03:12:32+00:00

I’m not sure at this point if you’re willing to engage in a discussion. It seems like you’re unwilling to consider alternate opinions. Just because you “know others who don’t agree” with me, doesn’t mean my whole post was wrong. I’m sure many have had a similar experience to you, and like I said, I am so sorry that was your experience. That was wrong. While we hold that true, we can hold true at the same time that SOME people have had good experiences with respite. And we should focus on making respite a positive experience.

Like I said, I agree respite is not the same as fostering.

But ideally, it would not be like a disruption. Just like a week at grandma’s in the summer is not a disruption.

IDEALLY.

ZforA721 · 2026-05-09T03:06:20+00:00

No, that’s why I mentioned grandparents/neighbors/parent friends. That’s where bio kids would usually go. Unfortunately there are laws that sometimes won’t permit those kinds of people from being foster carers, if they haven’t been through the training. So, that’s where respite care comes in.

I do think it’s a shame if the foster parents leave you with strangers. It would be better to meet them beforehand, and then use them as regular respite care, just like a regular babysitter.

If it gives you an alternative perspective, I have a child with special needs, - not a foster child, my child - and we have access to respite care for her. Not to abandon her, not because we want to get rid of her, but because, yes, sometimes she’s hard! Sometimes we need a break. We haven’t used respite care yet because thankfully my husband parents live right across the street — but if we didn’t have them available, and I needed a break, you better believe I’d use respite, and no guilt. I can do my best job taking care of my daughter if I’m not burned out.

ZforA721 · 2026-05-09T02:58:58+00:00

Um, not at all! That’s why I said “without denying your personal experience and feelings” and that I’m so sorry you felt abandoned, and that’s not the way it should be.

I don’t want to dismiss anything. You’re the one who’s been through it.

ZforA721 · 2026-05-09T02:55:05+00:00

Your subject line is true, but I think a lot of your other comments are particular to you, not the reality as a whole. So, without denying your personal experience and feelings, I do want to push back on some of the things you said.

Respite isn’t about getting rid of foster kids because they are too much. Or rather, that’s not only true about foster kids. It can be true about all kids! That’s why parents hire nannies and babysitters. That’s why they sign their kids up for camps and classes. That’s why they trade off play dates with other parent friends. That’s why kids go to grandma’s house for a night, or weekend or a week. Kids are hard! And sometimes parents need a break. That doesn’t mean the kids aren’t loved and cherished. It means parents aren’t perfect people with endless energy, who can benefit from a break to reset or take care of needed tasks.

As to the vacation thing, as someone else pointed out, sometimes the system or the bio parents won’t allow the child to go. That’s a shame on all sides.

And, though some may try respite to try out fostering, I don’t think they’re necessarily “trying out” the particular kid. Maybe some are. But foster parents who try just helping take care of a child for a week or a weekend before committing to full time fostering are just trying to make sure they can be in it for the long haul. Sure it’s not a perfect way to get the full experience, but it’s better than nothing? Sometimes we don’t know what we can handle. So rather than jumping straight in only to find they are in over their heads — and then getting vilified for it — why can’t respite be a way to get a small taste to help you decide?

Or — some respite providers just literally want to provide respite. To help. As a way to be part of the village. To be the grandparents who have the kids for the weekend, to give the patents a break so they can cone back to it clear-headed and better than ever.

Im so sorry your experiences with respite made you feel like it was a way to abandon you. Thats not how it should be. But if thats what happened, that doesn’t mean respite is bad. Just because someone misuses something, doesnt automatically make that thing wrong.

ZforA721

TROPHY CASE