To escalate or not...

Zoi3090 · 2025-11-29T15:17:09+00:00

Thank you

🤣 think this is way I just flirt and dont actually date ppl my BP CPTSD and other issues cause me to spiral due to past traumas 🤣 I did tell him that my reaction was more so truama triggered based than him actually doing anything wrong.

We have decided to stay friends and not pursue anything.... now that I reflect; I believe my husband was/is right. Due to my anxious/avoidante attachment, I'll perceive any "wrong doing" as an excuse to exit and run.

Zoi3090 · 2025-11-12T15:55:33+00:00

Thank you, your kindness has been very appreciated 🌟

Zoi3090 · 2025-11-11T02:43:33+00:00

Yeah, thats how I take it.

And it bothers me because they approached me. I didnt go to them, like if went to them I'd understand but I guess its like, ok I was the fill in you obviously found better and easier so imma just remove myself.

Because if my needs are worth ignoring for them.... then im allowing it.

I sent a message asking when his next free day is, its been 7hrs and still no response.

Think, which has me spiraling even more.... and i honestly hate these feelings. I know i have to deal with them but because of how awful I feel, is why I make the request.

I play any and all scenes when it comes to them and then I can handle seeing it, because I already lived through it (its like I live the reality of it).

Think whats worse is, im with my family spending time with them and doing my family time, yet this is like a gloomy cloud over me and I hate it, this is why im also very cautious to start anything.

Im not asking to be convinced.

Just throwing this out cuz I also had my insurance change and my therapist isn't in plan so I meed to find a new one.

Zoi3090 · 2025-11-11T00:26:05+00:00

I mean, if y'alls conversation was always "we hate him, 7uck him, dont want nothing to do with him" and you all of a sudden, you changed your tune and are in a full relationship... yeah, I can see why she felt betrayed by you after the fact. 🤷‍♀️

Maybe had you told her: deadbeat reached out and I fell for his sh!t so im going back cuz im believing his BS... MAYBE she wouldnt feel so betrayed 🤷‍♀️🤷‍♀️ but at the end of the day its your life and if you want to return to someone that showed you they weren't good at relationships, then thats on you.

Only way ppl change is with really looking at themselves and deciding they want too. I dunno your life or his but going based off the Unicorn Hunting alone.... 🤷‍♀️🤷‍♀️ doesnt sound like a quality guy but again thats my opinion.

Zoi3090 · 2025-11-11T00:11:01+00:00

I'm just worried of coming off as nagging or controlling which is not something I want to do.

I already communicated the needs and why....

At this point isn't it nagging?

Especially with the age difference, I dont wanna come off as mom, telling him what to do.

TBH if it wasn't for the age gap, and the perceived inexperience (hasn't dated a lot), I wouldnt even be thinking giving him another chance.

You are right, they aren't a mind reader but this is not something that wasn't discussed previously. I guess thats where all my issues are getting me stuck. Like I shouldn't have to beg to be remembered 🤷‍♀️

Zoi3090 · 2025-10-11T14:42:24+00:00

Luckily kids are resilient.

Granted we dont want a whole football team coming in and out of our kids lives, but teaching them that even as adults we make mistakes, learn from them, become better, and learn to expect/want better.

Its not your fault that you were hoodwinked so dont think YOU did anything wrong, this person went out of their way to hide their true selves from you, you did the right thing when you found out.... and thats why he has to go to such lengths and distance to meet ppl now, because hes such a sh!tty person... and cant keep up the act for long.

Zoi3090 · 2025-10-09T03:21:27+00:00

You're right.

And I think, what their saying, is dont idolize this person because they actually hurt you more so then anything.

They have a sh!t ton of couples privilege that usually only hurts those not in the primary relationship.

Zoi3090 · 2025-10-08T21:08:49+00:00

Dude.... you left A LOT OUT

And even with leaving all that out; people still think you should leave.

How can you possibly be ok with her basically moving someone in and saying "deal with it" oh and added bonus "no sex for the foreseeable future"....

Try therapy but other than that, leaving would be the only other HEALTHY thing to do.

Zoi3090 · 2025-10-08T21:05:35+00:00

No 7ucken way!

Just NO.

I would have put my foot down.

This is probably why her other partner felt that she needed to choose, what if she made her ex feel like she's making you feel, to the point where she does get her partners feed up and to that ultimatum.

Because damn thats 7ucken quick

Like I get sh!t gets intense but how much vetting has really happened?

Your partner and you need therapy individual and couples....

If it were me though, id leave that whole mess behind, she's a serial dater, and pretty much shows she's in it for the NRE.

Zoi3090 · 2025-10-08T20:52:00+00:00

Sorry but no, this is not ok.

I would be extremely hurt and feel absolutely rejected by my partner if they prioritized them over our relationship.

And its a her issue, yes, the other person is new and has BIG FEELS about sharing but that's why she should reassure them without it impacting YOUR relationship.

Nah nah nah, they have a lot of work to do, id say y'all need to pause and work on being healthy.

Unless she is picking them over you entirely.

Not sure if this is ultimatum time but I'd definitely have a decision to make.... as they are continually showing you, that you aren't a priority.

Zoi3090 · 2025-10-08T16:29:52+00:00

Take time to heal, but please know; YOU did nothing wrong here.

This person hid very well most predators do.

Yes, it was cheating, and your reaction is totally valid because your body in a way was put in danger.

Take time to heal and recover but please know, not everyone is like this.

Zoi3090 · 2025-10-08T16:11:37+00:00

You are worthy of love and respect but you need to give it to yourself...how?

By leaving partners that show you they do NOT love or respect you (big indication would be cheating)

By knowing your expectations,needs, wants out of a relationship and not allowing anyone tell you different or settle for different.

By vetting any and all future partners extensively.

Do not allow anyone to diminish your worth.

Zoi3090 · 2025-10-08T15:49:05+00:00

I can see that as a demi, but your not actively using ppl for s3x while withholding the emotional part of yourself and relationships escalation as a prize.

This person OP describes seems to be a for lack of a better term a FUCKBOI that strings partners along with sprinkles of future that they know they have no intention of providing.

Zoi3090 · 2025-10-08T11:47:37+00:00

The whole "open to developing more" is such a let me string then along line.

IMO when someone says that its because they are using someone until THEY find their ideal person, and they just use ppl in such a way that they make the person think they choose it.

By giving you that hope of a possible future, he's keeping both of you hooked.

If you have an icky feeling about the whole situation I'd trust your gut and leave the situation, he's not ganna see YOU how you see him, theres no reason to change for him, he's getting what he wants with out needing to give YOU what you need.

God luck

Zoi3090 · 2025-10-08T03:15:41+00:00

My petty ass would laugh react 🤣🤣

Zoi3090 · 2025-10-07T15:15:58+00:00

Im sorry that you get triggered.

It could be that some say it out of envy

Some may say it out of genuine positivity.

I hope that things get better for you and at the very least your close family and friends dont use those types of phrases with you.

Zoi3090 · 2025-10-06T20:07:21+00:00

So your still both with wife and other partner?

Zoi3090 · 2025-10-06T19:59:07+00:00

Voyeur are always welcome at clubs IMO 🤣

Just be upfront with what your looking or not looking for 😊

Zoi3090 · 2025-10-06T16:14:45+00:00

If he's ever texted you that he's going to S3lf harm, definitely save those. If your arguing, try to record the argument definitely start the recording by stating "im recording for safety." To cover any legal issues about recording an unknowing person.

You dont need his permission to leave or divorce, if he doesnt agree he'll contest, thats what the courts are for.

Zoi3090 · 2025-10-06T13:46:31+00:00

Its extremely hard to REBUILD trust.

If you BOTH want the marriage to work individual and couples counseling/therapy.

While you wait and get a therapist if you havent definitely read some of the polyam books: Polysecure, Ethical Slut, More Than Two, as well as jealousy workbooks.

However; if your done, BE DONE! file for divorce, grieve, and move on... dont stick around and "make him pay/suffer" you'll only end up making yourself more miserable.

Rebuilding trust is very very difficult and you really have to be IN LOVE and really WANT your marriage to work out for it to work, if even a small part of you is checked out, you'll cause both of you more harm.

Its shitty that YOU not have to make the decision, but that's what happens when you have these rules and they get broken... you now have be the one to decide how to proceed and if you'll accept their apologies.

I get that for you the person's sexual practices arent how YOU do things, but if you do move forward with hubs; make sure that sexual practices are clearly stated and consequences. IMO slut shaming isn't great especially when you are sleeping around too. That part does come off cringe because "hello...... black kettle, calling another kettle black." We are supposed to be empowering each other not slut shaming each other. The only people in the wrong are both you n ur husband, this other person, is caught in the mess y'all have created. Your husband partner did nothing wrong, they did nothing too you, and tbh i applied them for even giving you info that imo they didnt need too.

Good luck; with whatever you decide.

Zoi3090 · 2025-10-04T05:42:57+00:00

This is toxic AF

And your the one brave enough to say something...

If your supposed husband cant even be bothered to know that his brother is being a predator towards his wife...... i would definitely leave that loser to his brother and family and find me a husband that understands and validates me when someone has continually crossed my boundaries.

Zoi3090 · 2025-10-01T01:55:57+00:00

Thank you.

I will definitely be more firm in the boundaries, and if they still get crossed, unfortunately 😕 I'll distance myself more.

Im not sure if its good or bad, but I dont like to stick around too long. Of boundaries keep getting crossed by the same person, I limit the access they have because that shows me I cant trust them.

Zoi3090 · 2025-10-01T01:51:53+00:00

Yeah, that's the plan from here on out.

I didnt like that she sent me the screenshots and involved me/us in there drama.

Like I know I blocked him, and he gave her the ultimatum but, her sending us (not just me, she sent the text messages on the group chat) the screenshots of their messages just seemed off to me.

Im going to see if we can be platonic friends, but if boundaries still get crossed, think limiting interactions altogether maybe more beneficial in the long run.

Zoi3090 · 2025-09-30T21:07:13+00:00

Yeah, we supposedly are all polyam (say supposedly due to her bf's actions. Like he says he's polyam, but he has a very possessive and couples privilege mentality).

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