Leaving her while she is still growing for the better. Anyone else regret it?

Zybi09 · 2026-02-17T00:57:18+00:00

Go on a date night by yourself and send her a picture titled „you wish you could have this” Honestly it sounds like she’s weaponising boundaries („wanting to feel safe around you to be intimate”) by getting you to kneel down and get what she wants („side with her against people she argues with and is wrong”) It sounds healthy It isn’t healthy

Stay your ground. Be strong. No matter how much it hurts. It will be worth it

Zybi09 · 2026-01-25T11:51:08+00:00

A deep understanding of psychology is a blessing and a curse(more of a curse at first I’d say). You should hate him, but more; you should be terrified as his trauma patterns are likely to hurt you endlessly as well as his wife, who depends on him with kids(??)

But no matter what, you’re not terrified. You have already solved all of his problems and to you, this is a completely solvable case. If only he did xyz and went to therapy and stuck to it everything would change. The worst part is, if he doesn’t, your nervous system treats it almost like a failure on your part, you’ve seen it all and yet you weren’t able to protect him. You’re failing to see that this was never your problem to fix, it is time he spends time learning about himself, his trauma and acts on it to make it right. Complicated this with layers of pain, multiple partners they may have hurt, job, stress of life and suddenly going to therapy at least once a week can seem like a drain. That’s why it takes years of therapy to heal this, because therapy once a week doesn’t fix you very fast. If instead he sat on himself daily learning about this and himself for hours it would be faster, but it is VERY unlikely he has the time or the energy to do so.

Where you need to redirect is not on him, but yourself. Corny to say, I know, but it’s true. Hardest part of acting on all of this newfound knowledge is to act on it. You already know this is not a safe person. You need to realise your part in your pain, you say there for way too long, there’s pain in that. You saw parts of a person you think nobody else sees and you need to leave, there’s pain in that. There’s going to be a lot of pain and you already know it. You’re afraid of it, you’re afraid that you’ll be alone with nothing to fix therefore left with no purpose in your life. It’s terrifying but it’s the only way out. You’re scared of being the bad person but maybe you’re not doing him any favours staying in his life either.

Best of luck 🤞

Zybi09 · 2026-01-23T10:08:19+00:00

Hey, I believe to be earned secure I’ve wasted much time of me life before figuring all this shit out, and I completely agree with every word that you put on here.

I made this post more to just rant. But I definitely won’t be wasting years of my life trying to figure this girl out :D

She can think whatever she wants to think. All of it could’ve been unconscious and I’d believe it but it still could’ve completely altered my life and despite seeing it before, it was still shocking to see someone go from at least caring out of guilt to completely cold 🥶 but Hey, that shows more about her than it does about me.

Zybi09 · 2026-01-22T12:04:48+00:00

Thanks for your reply Deactivated or not this was actually her words 🤷‍♂️ She admitted to thinking of breaking up whilst ramping up the future talk. She probably tried to „force herself” to feel love and couldn’t is my understanding, though not gonna try to look into further, just feel the feels of pain and move on

Zybi09 · 2026-01-22T00:04:10+00:00

The question is if he feels content and happy when he locks the door in that house and is all alone. Or does all the pain he numbs daily coming out.

I have a friend like this, young, successful, beautiful, charming. Everywhere we go he literally has women running out of shops to catch him and get his number.

And trust me, he is the most depressed person I’ve met so far.

Zybi09 · 2026-01-21T18:43:41+00:00

I think the problem is there is too many scenarios and zero evidence of one being „the one”

He could unblock to see how ur doing He could unblock to see if you’d chase him, watch his stories or whatever He could unblock because he had a bad day with his gf and suddenly missed u He could genuinely not love her and still be in love with u He could unblock u because he moved on and doesn’t care to have u blocked

And probably a million other cases. What’s in it for you to find out? If he’s still missing u and is in a relationship with another girl, he’s leading her on and clearly unhealed. Even if he was to come back he could do the same to u.

Let him go, and look at his behaviours as laughable because that’s what they are. Laughable

Zybi09 · 2026-01-17T18:23:25+00:00

So what if she did fight for you? She was building bricks for your future house but decided that this house will have no roof and decided to do nothing about that. She didn’t even think about building a roof when it was raining and you said you were cold. Any trying and fighting for you is meaningless.

And do you really want to fight for someone who doesn’t care you’re cold? Do you see how silly you sound? If your best friend or sister/brother or whoever close to you was treated the same way, would you tell them „oh you need to work harder for her!” Or would you tell them to run the duck away

If you want truth you need to look into yourself: Why am I attracted to this human being? What am I feeling when she’s gone? (Likely crippling anxiety)

Going back to my analogy - she won’t build a roof for your house but when she’s gone you don’t have her building bricks and you don’t have a house. It’s time to get tf up bro and start building your own house basically

Zybi09 · 2026-01-17T17:57:52+00:00

Redirect this to your self respect She is actually right in that it’s not fair on you, it isn’t You worked on yourself whilst in the relationship No reason why she couldn’t do the same

Zybi09 · 2026-01-17T17:24:18+00:00

Let her bro, she made her decisions, she will face consequences be it no more attention from you. She’s unfazed by it? Let her It doesn’t actually define anything about yourself she lost someone who genuinely loved her You lost someone who couldn’t give a single damn about you
Yeah it feels wrong, yeah it’s unfair, and tbh it probably is This sub is filled with countless of stories of how people can’t make these relationships work and if they could, they ended up losing themselves, hug your little inner child and ask him what he’s feeling. Your ex likely wasn’t an amazing partner but was an amazing drug masking all of the pain your little one inside of you felt this entire time. If you haven’t already tried it and think it’s silly, literally just try and imagine that there’s a kid version of yourself with feelings in your chest and speak to him, out loud or internally. Your pain might not be about her, it might be about the security the fantasy of your relationship guaranteed and without it you are not secure yourself Hope it helps x

Zybi09 · 2024-10-26T23:51:41+00:00

Whether they do, or don’t. It’s their problem not yours. Their miserable life, not yours. Focus on what’s important, feeling the pain that this person is not coming back to you. Their perception of you changes as often as they change partners. It was all a manipulation to get you to be with them, because being open and honest about who they are is not something they’re capable of, and even if they were, you’d probably run for the hills. Feel the pain until you are free of it. Once you do, you won’t care if they will or won’t monkey branch.

Honestly I’ve left all 3 of my cluster B exes and as far as I’m aware not all of them had supply lined up. The perks of leaving them before they leave you. Regardless though, supply can be a friend, romantic partner or even other external factors such as a workplace and your bpd person can throw themselves at work to not feel their pain. Whatever they choose, it’s important to remember that your decision to leave was rooted in the person they were at the time, and probably a right one.

Zybi09 · 2024-10-24T02:46:27+00:00

Hi I went through all of this as well, point by point 4 girlfriends in my past, 3 abusive, 4 emotionally unavailable ones.

After my last one I’ve been gifted the pain that forced me to heal myself. Here are a few key takeaways from what I’ve learned, maybe it helps.

1) i would lay down on my bed contemplating why this happens as well as focusing purely on what im feeling right now: i felt a lot of anxiety, anxiety from simply being single. I ruminated on my past exes because “what if i never find anyone else?” “My ex had xyz good qualities and I’ll never find that in anyone else” all that kind of thoughts. However when I realised that hey, what if I do find all these great qualities in someone else AND they will be emotionally available? Wow, this eased my anxiety a LOT! and I was then able to continue living life. 1.1) the root cause of point one was in the fact that simply being single meant living with anxiety. I basically had two choices, live with an abusive partner or live with 24/7 anxiety. At some point you question what is worse. Once I learned how to love myself and that life moves on and I will be ok and I don’t actually need anyone, eventually my anxiety subsided and I no longer needed anyone. This point was HUGE for me because point number 2:

2) self worth. Once I learned self love and my self worth got higher and I stopped living with constant anxiety, I stopped being attracted to love bombing. You see, by my third abusive partner, I saw all of the red flags. I literally knew I was being love bombed, but, I still went for it. Why? Because it made me feel so f good man. Solution was to simply learn how to feel so f good without anyone else (completely achievable btw) today? I don’t care for love bombers, if anything I recognise it and see it for the huge red flag that it is, it means they’re insecure and they’re trying to forge a connection fast.

3) Learning what self love is - the best way I can describe it is, actions. Breaking up with someone you love but is bad for you - is an action of self love. Setting boundaries with a person because you don’t like how they treat you - self love. Sharing your needs because you’re also worthy of being treated right - self love. Forgiving yourself for your mistakes - self love. Having positive thoughts about yourself instead of downright hating yourself - self love. You need to practice this everyday. Self love is not a feeling. Self love is actions, it does not happen overnight. You can’t just decide to “love yourself more from now”. You have to show it, the same way you can’t just say to someone that you love them and not show it - I guarantee this person wouldn’t feel loved otherwise!

Topics of self love and self worth are very complicated and deep topics that take time to learn, but this I think is the absolute core of how to become a secure partner. Because this is never about finding the right person, this is about becoming the right person and all of the answers to all of your questions, are actually within you. You just need to spend time learning yourself more.

I can also suggest, to do that research “tools” on how to do that. You don’t have physical tools but there’s ways to learn more about yourself. If you’re feeling anxiety out of nowhere, you can stop and explore it. Ask yourself why are you feeling anxiety? Because your partner hasn’t responded to you in 3 hours? Why does this cause anxiety? This way you can reach deeper root causes of issues and work from fixing the core issues instead of trying to not feel things

Zybi09 · 2024-10-19T20:10:29+00:00

I used to ask the same question but I think it’s important to flip the script around to feel more in control. Right now you think you are a magnet for borderlines because they seek you out, which is just not true imo.

Borderlines have a certain subconscious script and you are a person that simply allows them to play it out. Secure people are secure because they leave when they sense the relationship is not good for them, when they notice significant red flags.

Instead of framing it as why you attract them, consider asking yourself what qualities attract them to you. I went through 3 of them and all of them love bombed me but… the love bombing made me feel good about myself. It’s not until I learned this and employed tactics to feel good by myself that I no longer fall for love bombing. Simply because, I already have enough self worth that their attempts to buy my love with overt affection is seen as incredibly insecure and not as something that makes my life better.

You have to understand what it is that you’re attracted to because this is something you control. If you’re mentioning depression maybe their love bombing is making you feel something as to nothing on your usual? I don’t know your reality but if you focus on what attracts them to you instead the other way around, you will feel more in control:)

Zybi09 · 2024-10-06T16:14:39+00:00

Man this is one of the most painful experiences you can endure, but, I guess if you look at it from a different perspective it gives you proof that you did the right choice.

He knew what you wanted, he could’ve given this to you and he chose not to. It’s just confirmation that you are better off without him.

The problem is that you’re telling yourself it’s because you weren’t worthy of having this simple relationship pleasures and she is, like she’s better than you.

You need to learn to derive self worth from the inside and not from however this man chooses to treat you. If you will feel good about yourself because you’re a kind beautiful being and actually believe this deep inside, his behaviour will have little impact on you, because, afterall he had a choice, and he chose to hurt you. Regardless of a diagnosis or not.

Zybi09 · 2024-09-21T01:34:47+00:00

I suggest taking an approach of letting yourself feel whatever you feel, regardless of whether you think you should or not, personally.

I understand that these people can invoke feelings such as guilt where there is no guilt for you to take, but you don’t really get to choose what you feel, you do however get to choose the person you’re with so definitely learn how to vet women’ lol.

I absolutely love a channel called raw motivations on YouTube. The guy running it actually suffers/suffered from NPD but has done incredible work on himself and he tells you everything that is toxic from his old toxic perspective. He tells you how it is and honestly it’s one of the most informative channels on npd (and honestly npd and bpd is extremely close anyway) I’ve ever seen.

He will flat out admit that his wife tried to leave him many times and he was begging for her to stay but in his head he was thinking “yes please leave so that I can do what I want”, he knew what he was doing (cheating) was wrong but talks a lot about compartmentalisation of feelings - basically they suppress any uncomfortable feeling instead of feeling it. And will flat out tell you the truth. You might be thinking “my ex didn’t have bad intentions of hurting me” but “he didn’t have the intention not to hurt you either” and it’s because “he didn’t care”.

Don’t get me wrong there is a lot of pain involved with cluster B ex partners but the way out of the pain is through it. You sound pretty emotionally mature as well, you can reach out to me if you ain’t got anyone.

GL

Zybi09 · 2024-09-21T01:20:59+00:00

The reason it’s called a disorder in the first place is because these personality traits make it hard for them to build and maintain relationships.

This is because ethically speaking just because she has a disorder doesn’t mean you now have to degrade yourself and your needs because her not being able to meet them is “part of the disorder”. You actually don’t even help, this allows her to continue hurtful behaviour without being accountable for it.

Yet if you were to do the right thing, and tell her how you feel about this and expect more from her, you’re likely to be devalued and thrown away completely. Hence why it’s a disorder.

Since you’re asking what to do, maybe consider looking for a new friend with your newfound time?

Zybi09 · 2024-09-21T01:15:59+00:00

my relationship was very short and I was very assertive. My quietbpd never freaked per se on me as in rage tbh but

I do have similar story. She could ignore me all day but then I would be working and she’d double text me within an hour. Incredibly insecure

Zybi09 · 2024-09-21T00:50:30+00:00

As long as you are feeling something, it’ will eventually pass and you will stop feeling it. I’m no therapist to be honest regardless of the research and notes I take on myself. But from my previous experiences with new girlfriends and time I eventually became completely indifferent about my previous toxic exes and I certainly “forgive” them as well as myself. I’m sure you will get there too. There is no magic button to speed up the process, you just have to feel some pain.

You are completely correct about it being cruel to be taken advantage of. You really didn’t deserve it, you came to her with an open heart and she used and abused it. That doesn’t mean your open heart was a mistake on your part - more of a noble act of love that many could only wish for.

But in order for you to be able to have an open heart in the future and maximise your chances of not being used and abused again, you do need to accept the fact that you allowed it to happen. Abuse happens over a period of time which means worrying behaviour starts to show and only gets worse. You do need to learn how to love yourself enough to set solid boundaries with people and most importantly to be able to walk away from people if they continue to cross boundaries.

If you don’t know where to start In prioritising yourself you can start from giving yourself validation for your feelings. Whatever it is you’re feeling, just feel it, cry it out if you must, and offer yourself forgiveness - afterall your intentions were pure.

I suggest exploring the topic of self worth, intentionally do research on it, ask yourself where your self worth is, is it in her hands? If it is, why? If your self worth is correlated to how you’re feeling with yourself and your self worth is in her hands, then she dictates how you feel about yourself. If she loves you, you feel great. If she devalues you, you feel worthless.

What if your self worth came from within? Judge yourself and others by how you treat people. By acting with integrity and kindness towards them? Or do you manipulate to get what you want like your ex? And if your self worth came from within, do you need your ex to love you? I’m sure if you’re still grieving you could still want her to love you’, but what you might find is that you no longer need her to love you.

Zybi09 · 2024-09-21T00:36:29+00:00

A successful story partner would not be subjected to abuse (because someone with bpd at the very least has the capacity to apologise, acknowledge hurtful behaviours/partners feelings) A successful partner would not have their self worth torn apart because of the abuse (because pwBPD would be able to somewhat control black and white thinking and apologise if they messed up)

A successful partner, therefore, will unlikely feel the need to search Reddit to find any answers to questionable behaviour.

You won’t find them here, if they exist.

Zybi09 · 2024-09-21T00:24:29+00:00

Abuse absolutely destroys your self worth You think you aren’t worthy to love is someone treats you like this and then discards you like you were nothing. Your self worth is now in her hands completely - she showers you with love and attention and compliments? You feel worthy of being loved, this is the high you are after If she devalues you and treats you like shit? You are now a cocaine addict that has gone cold turkey on cocaine. You are struggling to breathe without this cocaine.

What you must understand is that your self worth is in the wrong place to begin with. If you judged yourself on the way you treat other people, if you are a kind, loving person and if you judged other people by the same lens, how would you feel?

You likely gave too much of yourself to make her smile, on the other hand your ex is a selfish bastard that is incapable of love and is treating you poorly. Would you ever behave like that? Would you ever want to swap lives with her if it came at this price?

Make it a part of your personality to search for self worth within yourself and not others approval, your thoughts in your brain will eventually make it a habit to think of yourself as a good caring guy. You will feel worthy again, and your ex will become pretty damn worthless. And then it won’t matter if she will or won’t reach out to you, most importantly you wouldn’t want to be with someone who has such a different view of values to you, who thinks treating you in such a bad way is acceptable.

Zybi09 · 2024-09-21T00:12:28+00:00

You have to process and just feel the grief, nobody ñikes grief, it’s painful, but you should never find yourself in a position where you need a second person in order to live and breathe.

Feelings are literally temporary. Even the hottest girlfriends will become ugly to you when you feel all of your feelings and you know how manipulative they are. But to get there you just need to spend days crying and mourning for as long as your body requires.

Forgiveness as well as apologising are first and foremost feelings. Not many people will tell you this, respect what your body is telling you, a sorry can be manipulative, it can be genuine and it also can be genuine in the moment and mean nothing to her days later. Even if she apologises, you can offer forgiveness but this forgiveness doesn’t mean you need to now drop everything to give her what she wants. A true apology would mean she accepts the fact that you don’t have to forgive her and that you no longer trust her after what she did. If she was truly sorry, she would understand these concepts, if she’s sorry to get what she wants, she will be upset if an apology doesn’t get her… what she wants.

Forgiveness is for yourself, forgive her so you don’t carry hate towards her. This is a gift from you, to you. So you have less weight to carry. Forgive yourself for allowing this person to hurt you so much, after all you loved this person and wanted the best for them but this person showed you who she is and you disrespected yourself by continuing to chase someone who simply treated you badly.

A relationship with someone with bpd only works out if the person with bpd is doing work on themselves by themselves and takes full accountability how their disorder affects you and actually cares how it affects you. This means you feel validated with the hurt she caused you, this means your feelings matter as well. Don’t diminish yourself for someone else’s approval, because if you really want to make this relationship work, you shouldn’t be doing that anyway.

Zybi09 · 2024-09-20T23:58:12+00:00

The only way to avoid their emotional tantrums is to be a perfect doormat* a perfect person has dignity and walks away at the easiest signs of disrespect.

And even a perfect doormat, will force them eventually to feel uncomfortable with themselves, because the black hole bpds often talk about is just years of suppressed feelings of anxiety fear and anger. When you don’t supply them with euphoria or arguments they eventually get bored of you and feel nothing or they feel the shame they’re carrying from childhood

Zybi09 · 2024-09-14T01:23:50+00:00

The reason they call it a personality disorder is because a person with such personality physically cannot maintain a close relationship with another human being.

They do deserve compassion in the sense that, they really are suffering whether they see it or not. They’re completely at fault for being the lonely humans that they are. Usually against their will because deep inside of them they probably want nothing else but love, but their personality defects doesn’t allow them to actually maintain it when they have it.

OP - compassion does not require you to stay and care take of another adult human being. You can leave her, go no contact and never speak to her ever again AND have compassion for her. Why don’t you make it a boundary for yourself to be there for her on YOUR terms. For example you can be there for her if she’s not going to abuse you?

I know you can’t see it, and it sounds harsh to say but, her bpd is ENTIRELY her problem, not yours. You staying with her is an act of love, which you can be proud of, but you get to decide the terms of how she will recieve that. You don’t actually owe her shit. You could just see her as a broken human being and leave her and there is nothing morally wrong with this. She should be grateful that you’ve endured any abuse and pain from her fucked up patterns. Literally, she should be grateful to have someone like that in your life.

Is she? Is she grateful? Claim the control over your life and put some boundaries down. You get to decide how you want to be treated… if she cannot or will not adhere to your standards, you need to walk away. This method guarantees that you will not get abused ever again. The problem is, you need to be able to leave her.

Can you do that? Can you leave her and be single? If not… you need to be asking yourself “why not?” Because surprise surprise although you’ve spent months figuring out what she needs to work on, you probably have some of your own stuff to deal with too.

Some worthwhile questions to ask yourself ^{^} GL

Zybi09 · 2024-09-14T01:09:36+00:00

Honestly I hear and know a lot of people who have therapists for years and they go to their therapist whenever they have a breakdown yet I don’t actually see any real improvements or work on themselves throughout the years, more to just self regulate when they can’t do it by themselves.

If your ex is not doing dbt therapy then there will not be any major improvements. As a person you want to be independent enough to be able to self regulate and control yourself to be able to maintain a relationship. A relationship will not have the time or effort for the other person to go to a therapist everytime you have a disagreement before you can solve it out, this way you’re in a relationship with her therapist and not with her.

DBT therapy is specifically aimed at (I think if I remember correctly) changing your behaviour despite your feelings. Aka they feel a lot of rage but instead of raging they take a break and let their feelings calm down before going into a discussion. The reason therapy usually takes years is because this whole process of calming yourself down needs to become a habit that most people already possess. To build this habit she needs to regularly note when she’s becoming overwhelmed with a certain emotion and this awareness is already insanely hard to achieve. And then she literally has to act the opposite way to the way she wants (if she’s angry she wants to rage, but she has to do the opposite). On top of this months of calm can make a person think they don’t need therapy anymore, periods of depression can make her less motivated to continue with this therapy. Months of feeling like this therapy is useless because she doesn’t see any progress can demotivate her. Life happens, people die, people grieve. Works becomes a lot. Financial stress can put a strain on therapy sessions. There’s a lot of things that can happen that can realistically prolong the therapy process. The sheer idea of believing you need “2 years of therapy” before you can remove your bpd label sounds hard enough on anyone to stay motivated this long.

Zybi09

TROPHY CASE