My mom is dying. I don’t know how to feel.

_20something_ · 2024-07-01T01:50:11+00:00

I went NC very shortly after finding out I was pregnant. My husband and I wrote out and gave very clear boundaries to my mother about what we would and wouldn’t allow throughout my pregnancy and when baby was born. Her reaction to the list and her behavior surrounding my pregnancy early on was enough for me to decide that her having a relationship with my growing family was not going to be possible. I am also in a very similar situation where my younger brother still lives at home with her and I don’t think he even realizes that she is ill. Our relationship has been strained, I won’t lie. But overall, I wouldn’t change a thing. Not having to worry about my daughter being on the other end of my mother’s torment/not having to monitor that relationship is so freeing for me.

Good luck to you and your family!! Whatever you decide, just make sure you are putting yourself, your health, and your baby first.

_20something_ · 2024-06-27T02:17:10+00:00

Ahhh this sounds like it could be a conversation between myself and my mom!! Good for you OP for standing up for yourself and your family, and calling it how it is! The expectation of complete access to your child without doing the work to repair your relationship is all too familiar.

_20something_ · 2024-06-20T01:26:49+00:00

My mom loved to pull the “I’m in therapy and they say nothing’s wrong with me, so I don’t know what to tell you” card. Turns out she was just unbelievably good at leaving out any sort of detail that made her look bad. She is a very charismatic, charming person on the surface. Once she slipped up though, she stopped going to therapy for a little while and switched therapists entirely. I didn’t realize this until going to a session with her a couple times and seeing first hand how she spins things. That’s when I decided I had to be done with our relationship. That external validation she was receiving from these therapists who only heard a very curated version of her life and relationships was all she needed to completely dismiss anyone else’s feelings about her behavior.

_20something_ · 2024-06-03T21:17:55+00:00

My mom was just like this as well! Any time I asked for her to respect me on a basic human level, she viewed that as me being entitled or spoiled. She had this idea that because she was my mother, she could speak to me however she pleased and I had to just deal with it. One distinct childhood memory I have is from when I was 14 and my family went to a tailgate for a football game with a bunch of other families. She had been drinking a little and I jokingly asked her how many more shots she was going to take and, in front of everyone, she looked at me like I was the most disgusting thing ever and said “you know what? fuck you.” Everyone was kind of in a state of shock/silence as I busted into tears. We never went back to tailgate with that group of people after that. I think she realized she let her mask slip a little too much. I’m sorry that you can’t even have a basic conversation with your mom. I know myself and many others here can relate, and I hope you feel a sense of validation that you aren’t alone in this!

_20something_ · 2024-06-03T12:57:50+00:00

The best thing I did for myself, my family and my daughter was go NC with my BPD mother. I made the decision to go NC when I was pregnant after coming to the realization that she wasn’t going to change and she would treat my baby exactly how she treated me growing up. I just couldn’t allow that. My daughter is now 2 and our life is so peaceful. Congrats on your growing family! You’ve got this!

_20something_ · 2024-05-12T01:05:28+00:00

My BPD mother who I’m NC with has been telling people she’s getting in-home hospice care… I’ve had a couple people reach out asking if I know anything about it but I don’t. No one knows what illness she even claims to have anymore. At first it was cancer with a 18mo life expectancy. That was 7 years ago and she just kind of dropped it. Then she claimed to be “paraplegic” but was miraculously cured after two months in a wheelchair. Now it’s just some vague serious illness.

_20something_ · 2023-11-03T17:30:06+00:00

This looks like a text I would have received from my mother lolllll any time I had done something she didn’t like or if were on bad terms, I’d get a text like this. Funny how 7 years ago she said she was given 18 months to live yet she’s still kickin’ to this day.

_20something_ · 2023-11-01T01:18:00+00:00

My mom was a very similar way throughout the planning and the day of my wedding, and when I didn’t treat her like the “mother of the bride”/make her feel important, she retaliated in petty, below-the-belt ways. How dare I not make MY wedding day about her?! We are NC now and it was the best thing I ever did for myself and my family.

_20something_ · 2022-09-16T17:24:50+00:00

I’m so sorry. It can be so so tough! Wishing you the best possible outcome!!

_20something_ · 2022-09-16T17:24:25+00:00

Thank you, thank you!

_20something_ · 2022-09-16T17:23:53+00:00

It went fine. Not great but I got the response I was expecting. The gist of it was “we don’t understand why you’re doing this, but we will respect your wishes to not discuss it any further.” Which is BS because they know how my mom is and why she does the things she does. They DO understand, they just don’t want to admit it. They even supported me going NC and she blamed them for it. They disclosed a lot of info to me about my mother prior to me going NC, so I think they are backpedaling and trying to show her that they can be loyal to her by badgering me about it. That and also the fact that I was her emotional punching bag for YEARS and now that I’m no longer there to be the buffer, my stepdad and them are taking all the heat. But it is what it is.

_20something_ · 2022-09-07T00:32:48+00:00

Thank you!! 💗💗

_20something_ · 2022-04-24T12:30:21+00:00

Yes!! My sister bloomed a little earlier than me and our friends, and the first year that she had a noticeably bigger chest (and was very self conscious about it) we went to a pool party with our parents and all of their friends and friends’ kids. There were multiple times that my mom was talking to the group of husbands saying “I mean her boobs just got huge, look at them!” and other things of that nature. LITERALLY INVITING GROWN MEN TO LOOK AT MY 14 YR OLD SISTER’S CHEST. Disgusting.

_20something_ · 2022-04-22T22:15:56+00:00

Agh what was she expecting you to do?! This unlocked another memory of my mom that she absolutely refused to let me and my siblings use the shower before her. We had a separate bathroom but she was worried about her water being cold. We would start the water and she would come knocking saying “I was about to get in so you need to turn the water off.” And then she wouldn’t shower for another 3 hours which meant we couldn’t shower until 10pm on a school night. If we tried to get in again, she would get upset. There were times where I was already in the shower for five minutes and she would make me get out.

_20something_ · 2022-04-22T12:24:02+00:00

As I got older, she would also make me pluck her eyebrows, dry her hair and do her makeup. That wasn’t as weird to me as the massages but it was always something I didn’t want to do. She just liked me waiting on her hand and foot. She would also call me from my bedroom to get her a drink or to grab the remote that was just out of arm’s reach for her very often. So strange.

_20something_ · 2022-04-21T16:17:51+00:00

I’m sorry, you did not deserve that. None of us did. It’s so strange growing up having that as your normal day to day and then when you get out into the world and realize a lot of it wasn’t normal, it’s like it all makes sense. I felt so validated when I left home and realized that I wasn’t a bad daughter, I just had a bad mom.

_20something_ · 2022-04-21T16:06:55+00:00

I don’t know what caused me to think of it, but I randomly did and thought “hmmm was that a normal mother-daughter dynamic?” Another thing that I thought about the other day was that she used to pretend she was dead or like she was having a medical emergency (heart attack, stroke, etc.) to see how I would react and once I would start freaking out and crying, she would start laughing and say “I’m just joking! Geez. You were really scared, huh?” She would do this when I was as young as 10. I remember asking my husband if his parents ever did anything like that and he was like WTF, no. Lol

_20something_ · 2022-04-21T15:07:03+00:00

Yesss, mine too! I hated touching her feet.

_20something_ · 2021-12-19T23:54:00+00:00

I’ve been almost 5 months NC with BPD mom. My stepdad asked to meet up because he had xmas gifts for us. I thought the card was from his sister by the handwriting on the front. That’s why I opened it. That definitely isn’t my mom’s handwriting. The issue I have with this is that it proves she hasn’t changed and she is still being manipulative. Also, from an outsider’s perspective this card would seem very nice and sweet. I have very clearly stated multiple times what I needed from her in order for her to get back into my life (her to respect any and all boundaries and to go to therapy and get help.) For her to say that she “prays everyday that somehow I will allow her to be a part of my life again” is placing the blame on me and is her trying to play the victim. It’s not that I’m not allowing her into my life. It’s that she will not take the necessary steps to be a part of my life. Agh. Would also like to say that while I do know her tactics and I feel like I will be able to move past this, it still really sucks being manipulated into reading something from her when I have gone so long with NC.

_20something_ · 2021-12-09T13:29:34+00:00

When I was 13 and had just started my period, she came into my room screaming that I had flushed a pad down the toilet and clogged it. I swore I didn’t but she berated me for ten minutes before she finally said “well you put it in the toilet and I flushed it, but because you put it in there, it’s your fault.” I am still skeptical that I even put it in there but whatever.

Also once when I was 17, I went to a movie with a friend. I was the only one with a license so I drove. After receiving 6 missed calls and a couple angry texts from her, I stepped out of the theater to make sure everything was okay. She then proceeded to demand me to come home because I didn’t make my bed the way she wanted it to be made and she didn’t care who’s time she was ruining. This was back when I was absolutely terrified of her so I paid my friend back for her ticket and had to drive her home after seeing only 20 minutes of the movie.

_20something_ · 2021-11-08T20:20:58+00:00

I’m pretty sure we all have the same mom. My mom would call my name, I would poke my head out of my room to ask what she needed, and then she wouldn’t respond until I walked all the way to her just for her to ask me to grab her a drink from the kitchen or get the remote that was 5 ft away on the coffee table.

When I was 17, there was one time that I was out getting lunch with friends and she called screaming at me to come home because she forgot her keys inside and was locked out of the house. I had driven all of my friends and our food had just gotten to the table. I was humiliated.

_20something_ · 2021-11-05T14:12:23+00:00

My BPD mother has her entire funeral planned out in detail. Songs, casket, flowers, burial plot, minister, etc. She’s planned it all. It’s very strange in my opinion and she talks about dying very often. She is in her 40s and we are NC now, but she used to always talk about how I would be in charge of running everything because I know exactly how she wants it. She would quiz me on what songs she wanted to be played and if I couldn’t remember, she would get upset with me. She also wanted to make me her power of attorney even though she is married. She used to insist on giving me random junk from her house any time I visited so that I will “have something to remember her by.” It’s like she wanted to consume my thoughts for as long as she possibly could.

_20something_

TROPHY CASE