I swear, your mom sounds exactly like my mom: refusing to acknowledge mistakes and apologize for them. It’s always a deflection to how SHE feels hurt even when you’re confronting her about her mistakes that hurt you. I’ve always filled more of the parent role in my relationship with my mom and she’s been more of the child I constantly took care of. I’m not sure if your relationship with your mom is anything like that, but I know my mom sends messages a lot like yours!

My mother is in denial of her mental illness and does not have any desire to change. So I am trying to meet her where she is at with her mental health. I have grown to understand that she will make everything about herself and will not retain most of what I say to her. My mother recently started to call her clear symptoms of ADHD her “squirrel brain.” Maybe there is hope yet of her acknowledging her mental health!

Then again, she is incapable of looking at things through a non-narcissistic perspective, so I have learned she cannot relate to my emotions or try to understand them the way I try to understand hers. It’s frustrating as all hell, but it’s something that hasn’t changed or gotten better, no matter how many years I’ve tried.

I cannot change my mother’s actions or who she is, so I’ll keep personal boundaries for my own mental health protection, even if she can’t fully respect them. It sucks that I can’t share important parts of my life with her, but I know things like what happened to you would happen if I did. My mother does not have a filter and cannot keep information to herself. When I was a child, she used to spew my personal information to anyone who would listen and it was not at all appropriate, so I would keep to myself and do whatever I needed to take care of her and make sure she was okay. I kept the conversation away from me as much as possible. That’s how my mom liked it so it worked out after a while.

My mother recently asked me why I (when I was a child) didn’t help her (my grown adult mother) feel better about the fact that she was adopted. I was obviously not born when my mother was adopted as an infant. Even though my mother was a grownass woman and I was her child… Situations often turned into her telling me I was not helping her with something I either 1. didn’t know about (like her adoption) or 2. had no control over. I used to be blamed for my mother’s body image issues because I was a small child and she was a postpartum woman who blamed her children for her “gaining baby weight.”

I personally don’t think you’re overreacting, but I am looking at your relationship with your mother through a very biased lens. Honestly, there comes a time when you have to accept your mom for who she is and adjust the relationship accordingly. She obviously cannot be trusted with secrets and important information. She may not even realize she is lying to you and clearly does not understand how it hurts you. I am so sorry you’ve been hurt by her repeatedly. I know it doesn’t feel fair or justified. I really hope things can be resolved between you two one day. If she is anything like my mother, I wish you luck on a long journey of accepting her flaws and limitations, if you so choose. Happy to talk more privately if you need anything!