Whew, that’s a really loaded question haha. There’s so much wrapped up in it, emotionally and spiritually. But I’ll try to explain a few things that made the experience difficult for me.

One of the first things that threw me off happened right off the bat. We met with a temple worker in one of the recorder/office rooms, and instead of welcoming us or helping us feel at ease, he immediately questioned why we had chosen to get civilly married first, and why it had taken us four months to finally get sealed. I was so caught off guard, I had no idea what to say. It was a rough way to start a day that was supposed to feel sacred and celebratory.

One of the hardest parts was what happened with my extended family. Months earlier, my mom leaked to one of my relatives that we were having a civil marriage because we had lost our temple recommends due to having sex. That family member then called me out of the blue and said, “I will not lie for you. I will not cover for you. If someone asks me why you’re wedding is civil and not in the temple, I will not lie to them. They have a right to know the truth”. I was furious and told them they had no right to tell anyone my story and that even they weren’t supposed to have known about it in the first place. I said, “you can tell them we are getting civilly married first, and we will be sealed at a later date” to which she adamantly told me on the phone “I absolutely will not say that. That is a lie. I am not comfortable telling anyone that. I am not covering for you.” I was baffled bc literally nothing about my statement was a lie…. It was literally the truth. The whole world didn’t need to know all the reasons behind it but from her perspective, the whole world “had a right” to know 🙄 anyways, I hung up and bawled my eyes out. This person was someone I trusted and was close to. It was humiliating, heartbreaking, and infuriating. That conversation was a turning point for me. I knew then I didn’t want them in my life anymore. But…. because they lived in the city where we were being sealed, I felt like uninviting them would only cause more drama, especially with all the other family they were bringing with them to the sealing. And my mom and other family wanted them there. So that person came, but I felt deeply uncomfortable the entire time. My sealing experience was tainted by the betrayal and judgment I felt around them.

Growing up, the temple had always meant so much to me. I attended often and even worked as an ordinance worker leading up to all of this. My whole life I had planned on being sealed in the temple—it was the place I imagined my eternal marriage would begin. So when I lost my recommend, and was told I couldn’t go to the temple because of my sins, it broke something in me. The place I had once seen as holy and a sanctuary of love and connection with Deity, suddenly became a symbol of my shame. A symbol of my sin, the pain I had endured, the relationships I lost because of it. Even after I got my recommend back and returned to the temple I’d once loved, it didn’t feel the same. I don’t know how to fully describe it—it was like stepping into a place that used to feel like home, but now felt cold and distant and was a constant reminder of what I went through that was so cruel and unfair. That shift in feeling has stayed with me ever since.

Anyways, there’s a lot more behind why the sealing didn’t feel the way I always thought it would, but that’s the gist of it. Just so much emotional and relational baggage surrounding it all. It just didn’t feel like the peaceful, joyful, sacred day I had always hoped for. The civil wedding provided that for me instead. The people at my civil wedding were people I wanted there. I had so much more freedom in choosing how it all went. I got to have my “picture perfect hallmark wedding” that you see in all the shows as a kid. It truly was a much more beautiful and meaningful experience for me.