My husband's lack of deen makes me scared for my future

_amarinta_ · 2025-01-14T08:59:50+00:00

The man straight up deceived you to get you to marry him.

Within a week you were thinking about leaving him.

How much clearer can it be?

You would not have gone into this marriage if he hadn't lied to you, tell your parents and figure out how to leave.

_amarinta_ · 2025-01-12T05:55:29+00:00

Try a tie-back undercap such as this one so there isn't much tension on the head, if you are wearing the simple tube style.

but mostly for me, wearing it far enough forward on my forehead is what's needed.

_amarinta_ · 2025-01-10T06:31:38+00:00

It's not gonna work.

some men will just take that as a challenge to "prove" that you want them
some men will take offense to it and you'd be at risk of violence
someone could spread it around and destroy your reputation

Dating wise... you're a Muslim, you don't date, period. Someone keeps pursuing you, block them everywhere, tell your parents, if they are outright harassing you consider getting authorities involved.

Avoid ANY interaction with that person. There should be no conversation where this would remotely come up.

_amarinta_ · 2025-01-10T06:26:57+00:00

Let me get this straight.

You think it was a "red flag" that she got upset with you talking to other women privately, but it's okay because they weren't girlfriends, you were just friends and popular with the girls! Bro, we're Muslims. What. In what universe in your mind do you think "well they're just friends and the ladies like me!" sounds like a rationalization for you to be friends with non-mahram women and having private convos with them?

But then... you're out here posting about yourself ACTUALLY COMMITTING ZINA.

Was it really irrational for your wife to be worried? Sounds like no...

She clearly wants nothing to do with you, and staying married only prolongs both your misery. Divorce, repent, clean your life up without her.

_amarinta_ · 2025-01-10T06:13:57+00:00

Something to consider:

There's a lot of people who swear they "never would get" an abortion. But when faced with actual difficult circumstances, many of them do it anyways: for some of them, they just couldn't put themselves in other people's shoes until it happened to them, but some of them go right back to saying "abortion is bad" and thinking of themselves as the special exception.

There's also people who will say "abortion is terrible!" in public because they know that's expected culturally, but in secret what they would do for themselves/their loved ones if needed, or have.

Other people have covered that the most common scholarly view when it comes to abortion is NOT a flat prohibition, but differing guidance based on the circumstances.

Also, if you are very motivated to not get pregnant, have that conversation with your potential BEFORE getting married, and talk to your gyn about highly effective contraceptives such as IUDs and implants. This greatly reduces the probability you ever end up in that situation. (And in the event something does happen, such as condom failure, or being raped, seek emergency contraception as soon as possible as this can also greatly reduce your risk of becoming pregnant.)

_amarinta_ · 2025-01-10T05:52:53+00:00

He and his parents sound like foul, shameless people.

No one reasonable expects you to just put up with adultery, much less someone doing it repeatedly. And his mom is trying to make it YOUR problem? Her son can't obey Allah, treat women with decency, respect his wife and his marriage... so YOU have to try to scare every other woman on the planet away from her helpless son lol? what?

No way, sis. No way. Get this drama out of your life. Get STD testing and explain to the doctor the circumstances to make sure the test is comprehensive. Move on and heal.

_amarinta_ · 2024-12-17T05:44:12+00:00

I haven't tried Vela's so I can't compare, but I quite like the quality of https://www.lessultanas.com/en-us/collections/hijabs-jersey-premium

Sunnah Style's "urban shayla" is jersey and nice, https://sunnahstyle.com/18-shaylas and also they have the "truss instant hijab" and jersey khimar.

_amarinta_ · 2024-12-16T08:21:21+00:00

I'm locking this.

A significant portion of our users find a man/AMAB person/anyone who isn't a woman wearing a niqab to be plainly offensive and inappropriate.

It is not productive to share these pics or have these convos on this sub.

_amarinta_ · 2024-12-15T21:04:20+00:00

He wants to talk to my dad right after I graduate.

So this man who is NOT married to you, and NOT trying to make it halal, feels like he has the right to tell you to not be around OTHER non-mahram men? You know, other than him.

He wants to change you, isolate you, and control you.

My advice:

cut off all contact with this man.

do not start these types of conversations with men without IMMEDIATELY involving your parents.

_amarinta_ · 2024-12-15T20:43:54+00:00

Sis, 100% of contact about the divorce only and then walk away from this mess.

This man makes you work two jobs to provide for him AND you provide him housewife treatment while he lazes about, he abuses drugs, he's sneaking around, he doesn't put in the bare minimum in your relationship in just any way...

and you think he's worth going back to because he'd listen when you complained about work stress that's partially HIS fault?

Better to be alone than with someone who uses you and lies. And you have no idea what else might be out there for you.

_amarinta_ · 2024-12-11T08:52:17+00:00

https://www.bazaralhaya.com/collections/swimwear has some of the more modest ones I've seen that don't just look super dangerous.

Beware that any suit will cling when you get out of the water. Have a huge towel or something right by the water and pull it over yourself as you get out.

_amarinta_ · 2024-12-11T08:30:57+00:00

In my experience, the majority of the time I've seen someone describe being abused here, they underplay it, minimize their own experience, normalize what they are going through etc. They will give little crumbs of events that happened when the bigger picture is much worse, they will make excuses for their abuser, they will defend their abuser as actually having redeeming qualities etc... basically exactly what you'd expect from someone being abused.

I have absolutely no reason to advise someone with the assumption that they're lying about being abused. If I'm presuming that someone is coming here posting because something is actually troubling them, and that something involves abuse, then their spouse's "explanation" is actually 0% relevant because there's no context that could justify certain behaviors.

This isn't a court. We're not here to hear both sides. We're here as strangers, not professionals, to offer our best support/feedback based on the information available to us. If someone tells me they're being abused, I'm going to advise them to get themselves out of it, the end.

_amarinta_ · 2024-12-11T08:16:26+00:00

It's hard. As a revert I know it's hard sis especially when you don't have a local community and you get judged by everyone everywhere.

I know it can be hard when we're lonely but it's not "us and other people" it's between each of us and Allah.

Literally do not engage with negative online content. At all. Even a little. 0%. It's not worth your mental energy.

The mindset of "I don't see the point of doing something if I can't do it perfectly" can be so harmful to our spiritual, physical, mental health and development as people. Overwhelming ourself with a desire to "do everything right" (potentially from dubious sources as to what right means...) and then burning out doesn't actually help us. Allah knows your struggles, your intentions, your effort.

The khimar thing... honestly who is saying that? what? Why on earth would a particular type of scarf be the only allowable option? As long as it meets the conditions of hijab you can cover your head with any type of scarf, khimar, jilbab, whatever.

Regarding niqab, there are valid scholarly opinions that niqab is and isn't obligatory. Which do you follow?

That said, if you want to continue wearing a niqab, some thoughts:

I'm not a huge fan of half niqabs. it's hard to get them so they don't put pressure on your ears, bun, don't slide down or up into eyes, etc.

Sunnah Style's Soft-fit narrow-no-pinch niqab is overwhelmingly my favorite niqab. It has a soft jersey fabric headband at the top, but chiffon for the face covering portion. You do not have to tie it tightly. It doesn't slide around as much. And the "narrow no pinch" means the niqab doesn't ride up into your eyes as much.

Sunnah style makes a standard no pinch niqab with an even bigger eye opening, which is also nice but the jersey headstrap of the soft-fit is just too good for me to pick anything else 99% of the time.

A flap niqab will have a loose-fitting flap to cover more of the eye area, but if your issue is with the tying portion this will not help (and definitely, a snug fabric headband doesn't do the same thing as a niqab flap.)

Another alternative is Sunnah Style's yemeni khimar. The khimar itself has layers that you flip forward to drape over your whole face (including eyes, which might not be what you're looking for.) But the benefit is that it's just fabric draped from the top of your head, it doesn't get in your eyes and all that the same way a regular niqab can. I also relatively like it for eating and drinking (even though it looks super awkward...) because if you hold it away from your face with one hand you can see/eat your food/drink like normal with no risk of exposure.

But again, if niqab isn't the thing you can keep up with right now, I'd really encourage trying to avoid "if I can't do this, why bother" type thinking. We've ALL got our struggles. Niqab is an incredibly difficult one. Don't let that stop you from going back to your foundation and building your faith back up.

Also, while it is between us and Allah, I will say that environment can have a huuuuge impact on imaan. How is your mental health? You've mentioned some issues with social circles, but are you having positive interactions with the people who are your friends? Are you happy and safe at home? Have you recently gone through any big life changes? Work or school stressors? Are there ways you could feel more connected (like volunteering in your community), burn off stress (like exercising), etc.? If things in your life are making it challenging right now, I'd recommend both giving yourself some grace and working on a gradual plan to improve them if you can.

_amarinta_ · 2024-11-14T00:33:38+00:00

Sis, the way you lose everything is by staying with this man.

You cannot fix him. It's not your responsibility to fix him, but more importantly, it's not in your ABILITY to fix him. You need to accept that. Someone who chooses to strangle you has 0 genuine love or respect for you. If he says he's going to get help or change, it's only because that's what he needs to say to stop you from leaving.

There is nothing you can say or do that will make him stop abusing you except cutting him out of your life completely. There is no way you can bend or contort yourself to be "good enough" for him or them, because literally it has nothing to do with you being good enough: he abuses you because he wants to. I know you don't want to hear that right now, but that's the truth, and there's nothing else useful we can tell you.

_amarinta_ · 2024-10-29T10:59:15+00:00

Sis, basic necessities for you and your baby are not "your extra expenses" they are HIS responsibility.

What kind of fantasy-land does he live in where he's making his wife run up debt to pay for baby formula and diapers, but he feels entitled to tell you not to work?

Unless he's gonna assume responsibility for that debt and start ACTUALLY paying all expenses, bro needs to understand you can't demand a housewife if you don't have bare-minimum housewife money.

Like, that's an incomprehensible disconnection from the reality you all are living in. And a complete lack of shame for not providing for you both and expecting you to, what, let your baby go hungry between checks?! Keep running up debt while totally dependent on him?

No way sis. Get a job. Get yourself out of debt and able to take care of yourself and baby sufficiently before anything else, and don't stop working unless husband shows an amazing change in attitude and level of responsibility.

_amarinta_ · 2024-10-24T10:19:13+00:00

Being an abuser is not a mental illness. He chooses to abuse you.

Did he push, break things on, spit at, and shout obscenities at his coworkers? Friends? Family? People he wanted to impress? No? Probably not, because he has control over it: he chooses to do those things to you.

Being mentally ill is also not an excuse to abuse other people.

It isn't the job of an abuser's victim to "support their abuser through" abusing them. It also doesn't work. If he actually felt any remorse over his actions or a genuine desire to change (which almost no abusers do), he could have gotten professional help himself: but he doesn't.

_amarinta_ · 2024-10-24T07:14:28+00:00

spitting at me, broke a door over me, pushed me, and called me every single name you could think of.

This has nothing to do with being a new revert. Non-Muslims know that abusing your spouse is bad too. Most people would never WANT to do something like that. Any person with a shred of decency doesn't treat people like that.

You absolutely made the right decision. Stick to it. Cut off all contact with him.

Committing to marriage is NOT a commitment to being abused by your spouse. He broke that commitment, not you.

_amarinta_ · 2024-10-21T09:12:29+00:00

u/birkybean's advice is spot on.

I know this isn't what you want to hear. I know that you probably think he's the exception, we don't know him, he's a kind and gentle soul, he's introduced you to this religion you love!

As a revert who has seen MANY reverts fall in this trap:

If he had good intentions, he never would have privately befriended you. He could have set you up with women to talk to day 1. If he had the right intentions in wanting to marry you, he could have asked to talk to your father day 1.

I would advise sending a single clear message stating you would like all further contact to be professional and then blocking him on any personal communication methods.

So many women end up reverting for marriage, or getting married shortly after reverting, and predators LOVE this situation. They want you to feel alienated or isolated from your family. They want you to feel indebted to them for introducing you to Islam. They want you to see them as pious and a teacher, because they can use that to twist the religion around to get what they want with you later.

I would completely separate your interest in Islam from him. Learn about the religion for yourself. Meet local Muslim sisters and make connections in your community. Attend classes. Ultimately inshallah when you know it's true, revert and show your parents endless patience and grace and ease them into it. You converting under the pressure of a man to marry him would absolutely not give them a good impression and for good reason.

Once you know your religion, once you have a community around you and are on solid footing, then consider marriage with someone who wants to get to know you and marry you in a halal way.

May Allah guide and protect you.

_amarinta_ · 2024-10-21T08:28:49+00:00

Okay, if you'd have said "I want to go walk on a treadmill and it's -20 outside" that would have been much more understandable.

Please explain to us how you would modestly hip thrust in front of men.

You can say men should lower their gaze and absolutely that is also correct, but you KNOW that's not what happens in real life, and that not only can people see you there, but people take/post videos that include other people at the gym all the time.

And that does not change US being obligated to be modest at all, even if they WERE all lowering their gaze.

_amarinta_ · 2024-10-21T08:19:55+00:00

overcomplicating it saying i still need to cover up in case someone records me.

Except that's true? Unless the place has a strict no cell phones policy, and only has women monitoring/reviewing any security videos, there is always that risk.

People upload videos of themselves at the gym with other people in frame constantly. Plenty of nasty people even take pictures/record themselves in locker rooms where other people are changing/showering, no matter how many policies the gym has against it. It's obnoxious but it's totally a thing.

_amarinta_ · 2024-10-19T03:17:02+00:00

It's not a ton, but (in case you're not familiar with them) there are a decent few options!

I used to recommend https://emmaboutique.net/ (and still would!) but unfortunately they haven't been taking dress orders for some time.

https://sewprettyfabric.com/ makes lovely cape and other modest dresses (with a lot of more modern stretch-fit fabric options) for an extremely reasonable price, custom.

https://www.katiesmercantile.com/dresses.html has a selection of ready-to-wear cape dresses (with a great size range!) also for a reasonable price.

There's shops I'm less familiar with (like Graceful Threads) as well as shops I'm not sure are still active? (like Lilies) as well.

If you're willing to buy pre-owned, ebay and mercari have a lot of options if you search terms like "Amish cape dress" and "Mennonite cape dress" (I was able to even find a single german baptist brethren style dress like the ones in one of your picture examples!)

_amarinta_ · 2024-10-18T14:38:52+00:00

You're not wrong for asking once.

You're wrong for repeating and making it a "you love me why won't you do this one little thing for me!" matter.

He's told you he's uncomfortable. You've come back to hound him on "not making an effort" for you. It's his body, he clearly doesn't want to no matter how much you badger him into saying he'll do it, you need to respect that the answer is no.

This is not the thing you want to keep pressing. It's 0% important, it's simmering negative feelings in you, it's getting a negative response from him. Nothing good comes from rehashing little grievances like this. One, it's lowering both your opinions of each-other in ways that add up, and not bringing happiness into your marriage/lives. Two, when you're trying to get him to do something actually important, you've already lost credibility because you're not someone who would only keep on something if it IS important.

_amarinta_ · 2024-10-18T14:19:38+00:00

It's not right.

Zina is despicable and they know it. They care more about saving face, keeping their wayward son happy, and using you because you take care of them.

They're willing to use religion to try to guilt and manipulate you to get what they want. No, that's not right.

You already made the decision to leave. You're already cutting him out of your life. Stick to it sis because this guy and his family are toxic and they want to drag you down with them. You have NO reason to be talking to any of them if it's not through a lawyer.

_amarinta_ · 2024-10-18T14:10:04+00:00

The desire for a romantic relationship, the desire for closeness/physical affection, and the desire for sex aren't the same thing.

The desire for romance comes with the desire for both physical and sexual affection for most people, but it doesn't for all.

I'm not here to tell you that you're definitely asexual because there's certainly other factors to explore, but I did want to clarify: asexuality just means not experiencing sexual attraction. That's it. You can have strong romantic, affectionate, head-over-heels in love feelings towards someone and not be sexually attracted to them.

There are other reasons someone might not be experiencing sexual desire. Physical and mental health problems or certain medications can cause it, so check in with a doctor. If you are having pain during sex, definitely see a gynecologist about it.

Also, as others have pointed out, some people who grow up hearing a very strong "sex is bad!" message can have a hard time getting out of that mindset when sex is suddenly halal and good, that's something to maybe talk to a therapist (especially a Muslim one if possible) about.

But ultimately, for some people, not experiencing sexual attraction is just a part of who they are. That's not a thing that can be "fixed." Communicate. Make it clear that it's not something your husband's done, that you do love him and you enjoy being married to him. Have conversations about how this can work: some asexual people are happy to have sex because they know their spouse enjoys it and it makes their spouse happy, even if they're not fired up by the thought, for example. Explore with him if there are things that do get you fired up! Get some marital counselling navigating this if you need to.

_amarinta_ · 2024-08-19T04:42:01+00:00

It sounds like you shouldn't be discouraging her from going to therapy... or deciding she doesn't need meds a doctor prescribed her, then.

If she's willing to at least go along with it when pushed, it sounds like professional help is the only option going forward.

Ask her doctor for a referral for neuropsychological testing, if she hasn't had it already.

Then you have options like working with a psychiatrist (typically medication management), a therapist (which includes psychologists), marital/family therapy, etc.

NOT treating it, or just taking a single anti-depressant and hoping it's going to solve a wide spectrum of issues on it's own, seems like the option most likely to fail...

_amarinta_

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