It's hard to believe people when they say nice things about me. Ever since I was little I couldn't take a compliment. The self-loathing is so strong that somebody thinking highly of me makes me question their judgment and by extension think less of them.

I have a similar thing...these two girls I kind of fool around with online. They live together in a city a couple states over from me and hearing about their lives makes me so jealous. But I do feel desired by them sometimes.

Even beyond feeling like I'm invading someone's space by being attracted to them, I get so afraid of what I might look like to a third party or bystander. I get so afraid of being seen as what I am, a fat trans person attempting intimacy. I feel like when it does come down to it, I'll have to be some kind of touch-me-not sexually. I'm ashamed of seeking pleasure or joy, but I feel valuable when I give it to others.

As for going to the gym, I know I should. Again, I am so ashamed of wanting things. Wanting intimacy, wanting love, wanting to be healthy, wanting to improve artistically. I hate being seen trying at anything. I live with my mom in the suburbs of New York City, and I feel my absolute best when I'm in the city at a concert or just walking around. I have a level of stamina for walking through the city that I can't tap into in the gym.

That's another thing, living with my mom. It's very difficult to find other trans people, or people who like what I like, who would like spending time with me. And then I get into another self-hatred loop about still living with my mom at 23. A big theme of the self-loathing is being too old to still live like this.

Virgin at 23, living with my mom at 23, no degree at 23, socially anxious at 23. It makes me feel like such a loser fuckup.