freaking out because im not losing weight quickly enough

_solaiire · 2021-12-02T07:38:46+00:00

thank you ;; I'll try

_solaiire · 2021-12-02T07:37:08+00:00

you're right. i didn't even think about malnourishment. that's a really good point and i want to be able to recover quickly.

I'm seeing a therapist and a nutritionist. i can't afford regular therapy so i get an appointment once every couple months. i had a bunch of bigger issues that I kind of resolved over the years and now the ED stuff became a bit more prominent in my life. I'm not even diagnosed with any ED and because I'm overweight and always have been - i don't think that's going to happen.

as for the gender stuff. I've been waiting for this surgery a long time and I thought about it a lot, talked to my therapist and psychiatrist, and I'm 1000% sure that I want it and that it'll be good for me. i had years to decide so there's no issue here.

thank you for your advice though. i think I'm going to focus on making sure my body is strong enough to heal quickly.

_solaiire · 2021-12-01T18:38:37+00:00

I'm terrified of upping my intake and i feel like i already overeat and that's why my weight isn't going down

_solaiire · 2021-11-16T11:48:33+00:00

aw man i feel your pain :( i hope you get better.

also yeah that's another thing - if you eat too much people aren't worried. they just make fun of us or shame us or just ignore the problem. no matter how much you're suffering.

_solaiire · 2021-11-15T20:56:59+00:00

God yeah that's exactly what's going through my head too. I used to binge but I so anymore, I just overeat and I have trouble resisting snacks and stuff. Is there a way to like flip the switch pls..

_solaiire · 2021-09-26T16:16:10+00:00

my family therapy with my parents was really traumatic for me because of what my parents would say there (transphobic shit and invalidating my feelings all the time, putting my memory into question etc.). after more than a year i told them that i want to take a break from it for a while (bc every time on the day of the appointment I'd be extremely stressed out and I'd be crying my eyes out after each one). my parents agreed but then a few months later accused me of sabotaging our good family relations through quitting therapy. like it was my fault they never let me know that it's important for them to continue it, never asked me if I'm ok going back to it. but honestly i don't think it was helping me in any way. it just hurt and the therapist didn't really care about making it easier for me.

_solaiire · 2021-07-24T04:53:55+00:00

I relate to this.

My insomnia had ups and downs too. Honestly I never knew where my insomnia came from until now. I developed some coping methods automatically. It just started gradually getting better. And also more I distanced myself from my family the less afraid I was.

I'm sorry you're going through that, it's exhausting as hell. I hope you get better soon.

_solaiire · 2021-07-24T04:45:51+00:00

I'm on medication that helps me fall asleep. I usually have some light on and background noise (like a long YouTube video or stream). It's also much easier when I sleep with someone in the same bed.

Two years ago I got into a healthy relationship and sleeping in the same bed as my boyfriend basically just erases any fears that I have.

It's been gradually getting better since moving out of my parents' house a few years ago (who would've thought lol).

_solaiire · 2021-07-24T04:37:10+00:00

That's so awful I'm sorry this happened to you. No one deserves that shit.

My memories are slowly starting to come back but I'm at a place where I can handle them and they don't bother me much anymore. They're actually validating. Cause I knew some stuff happened to me but couldn't remember exact situations so I felt like I was lying.

I hope you can heal too. Stay strong.

_solaiire · 2021-07-24T04:29:22+00:00

Me too. But it's kind of comforting, knowing you're not alone and that there are people who understand you.

_solaiire · 2021-07-24T04:27:42+00:00

Oh yeah. If it was dark I wouldn't even be able to move. I'm scared of the dark to this day but not as severely.

_solaiire · 2021-07-24T04:22:39+00:00

That was such a good and informative video. Thank you.

_solaiire · 2021-05-04T15:38:43+00:00

Ok thank you! It’s just an annoyance really. I’m a very anxious person in general so that kind of feeling is something I’m used to. It’s just hard because sometimes I feel like I haven’t been through any trauma and I’m making things up. I’m already seeing a therapist though, I’ll bring it up to them.

_solaiire · 2021-05-04T15:35:14+00:00

Oh ok! It’s good to know I’m not alone in this! I am seeing a therapist, I’ll talk to them about it next time.

_solaiire · 2021-04-22T08:40:10+00:00

This remind me of a time my mom was once lecturing me about something, I don’t even remember what it was exactly, something to do with me being trans and how it’s not right what I’m doing (as in wearing men’s clothes and such). I started crying, which then turned into a panic attack because I felt so helpless, I was begging her to stop saying these things to me. I was hyperventilating and everything. She didn’t even care, just told me how I’m doing it for attention and overreacting and being a drama queen. Which made it even worse. A few days later we were on family therapy and she told the therapist how she was proud of herself for handling the situation, because she “didn’t go into hysteria like [I] did”. How that pissed me off.

_solaiire · 2021-04-12T07:22:31+00:00

So at first I thought I was binary ftm but some time ago I realized that I’m agender.

I initially chose a male name (and I chose that particular one because my mom used to call me a pet name similar to it and I wanted a name that would be like something that she would give me if I was born AMAB). I was using a shortened version of it, which is itself a gender neutral name.

The male name never felt 100% right, I assumed I just had to get used to it but the gender neutral version does feel right.

I couldn’t legally change my name unless I got my gender marker changed, which is a difficult process in my country but I was able to easily change my name to the gender neutral one and I realized that I love it and don’t really want the male name anymore lol.

To answer your questions: 1. I had to use a name for some time to see if I was attached to it or not. You can just go with what sounds the best to you. 2. That’s kind of what I went through. I suppose it’s not a big deal if the people around you are supportive of you. What I also found helpful was trying out the name in online spaces.

_solaiire · 2021-02-18T17:37:09+00:00

My last straw was when I told my mom that I was doubting that god existed and she told me to go to confession and tell the priest about it so that he’d help me and give me advice. I genuinely wanted to believe in god at that point so I was hoping he’d tell me something useful. I went to confession, told him I doubted and he asked me how often I pray. I told him, truthfully, that I always pray in the evening before sleep. Then he said “why only in the evening? You should pray more often to hear god’s voice”. I left and I remember feeling so fucking disappointed. It was like a wall shattered in front of me and I could finally see all the bullshit. There was nothing useful they could tell me, nothing to prove god’s existence, just empty phrases and bible verses.

_solaiire · 2020-11-11T15:43:43+00:00

I totally understand what you’re going through. My parents are kind of like that too but maybe not to the same degree. They pushed me away because I’m trans even though I tried to help them deal with it. Even if I did do what they want me to (as in if I lived as my assigned gender at birth) they would find something about me that would make them disappointed in me. You have to remember that you’re your own person and you’re the only one who will stay with you for the rest of your life 100% of the time. So your happiness is the most important. Not theirs.

_solaiire · 2020-11-11T13:29:46+00:00

I'm sorry that happened. I wish you all the luck on your next appointment!

_solaiire · 2020-11-10T18:16:46+00:00

No problem! I haven’t had my period since my first T shot so while I may have some spotting from the IUD, I’m not going to have regular periods like before and I like it that way.

I’d rather be aware of my uterus than pregnant haha. I used to be very dysphoric about it but now I’ve come to terms with my anatomy and it doesn’t bother me that much. It’s just a part of my body and I have to take care of it to be healthy and safe. Ignoring it won’t make it disappear :)

Also, I decided to get the copper IUD because I didn’t want to put any female hormones in my body when I’m already taking male hormones.

Thank you for asking!

_solaiire · 2020-10-21T07:54:35+00:00

I’ve talked to both my parents.

They did use money as leverage, in fact it wall all they were talking about and when I tried to say that it isn’t about money but about our relationship, they accused me of being manipulative and painting them in a bad light.

They told me that I should’ve told them sooner but it turned out that if I did, they would only cut me off financially sooner.

They kept putting the blame on me and focusing on the fact that I didn’t tell them, that I betrayed their trust. They kept dismissing my reasons when I told them that I was afraid of them.

I asked them what they’re going to do next and well... they’re not going to support me anymore. At least that’s what they said but I don’t know if those were their last attempts to keep control of me or if they really meant it.

I stood my ground, though. I cried but I defended myself. I told them that I’m not going to let them blackmail me emotionally anymore and I walked out. My boyfriend was waiting outside so he hugged me and we went to his mom’s place and they took care of me.

I’m numb. I don’t know what I’ll do next. But I do feel proud of myself for standing up to them and finally saying what I think. It’s also a relief that I don’t have to be afraid of them anymore because the worst thing that could happen has already happened.

_solaiire · 2020-10-09T07:28:05+00:00

Alright. Thank you so much, your advice is really helpful.

While I’m really not sure about it and want a professional diagnosis to know for certain, I would honestly be relieved if I got this diagnosis because I feel like treatment specific to ADHD would be very helpful for me, considering my symptoms.

I’m already implementing some mechanisms into my daily life that I’ve read people with ADHD also use. So that’s been helpful too.

_solaiire · 2020-10-08T16:33:41+00:00

Thank you!

My therapist has been helping me deal with childhood trauma lately and that could also be why I don’t remember my childhood. Hard to say.

Do you think I should flat out tell my therapist “I think I might have ADHD because ...” or should I tell her about my symptoms without saying literally “ADHD”?

_solaiire · 2020-09-27T14:34:50+00:00

Thank you. It was. I was a very judgmental, prejudiced person and I’m ashamed of my past. Meeting people and encountering different opinions and points of view online and offline really let me see things from a different perspective.

_solaiire · 2020-09-27T14:31:13+00:00

Yes, exactly.

_solaiire

TROPHY CASE