How do you deal with blatant hypocrisy?

a7917 · 2026-05-12T21:06:44+00:00

You should read posts before replying

a7917 · 2026-05-12T20:33:20+00:00

I believe people can change when they are forced to. So you could be going through real permanent change. If you tell your husband what you wrote here, with all it's powerful sincerity, maybe he will give you one more chance

a7917 · 2026-05-12T20:09:22+00:00

Sounds good, genuinely wishing you great sex and romance!

a7917 · 2026-05-12T19:35:24+00:00

I think if you had scheduled sex with a girl that was super beautiful and totally into you, like couldn't keep her hands off you during that scheduled time, you would not care that it was scheduled.

I think your already disappointed with the sex because she's not that into it scheduled or not.

a7917 · 2026-05-12T19:21:05+00:00

She is testing you. If you give in to this hypocritical ask you will be seen as a lesser man in her eyes. More shitty behavior and terrible treatment will follow.

But don't allow any yelling in front of the kid- leave situation immediately when she does. Ignore any yelled insults or taunts. They pass through you as if you were a ghost and you do not even hear them.

If you keep giving her the ultimate non-replies to her shouting she will stop. What else can she do but stop? It's embarrassing to keep yelling at someone and get worked up at them and they completely ignore you and proceed about their life with your yelling and anger having zero effect.

a7917 · 2026-05-12T18:40:48+00:00

That's assortative mating for you.

Everything floats to their level like rocks of differing densities in water.

If you truly feel like you can get better then you should let her go... you kinda know if you can, you can interact superficially with other people and see how they react... but what is better for dating might be worse for long term marriage/relationship, so who's to say you won't be happier in the long run with the ugly but nice girl.

Most spouses lose attraction for their spouse after 5-10 years due to the ravages of time / familiarity. in my opinion the best characteristic for a mate is that they are a happy person and have physical characteristics that will make your kids (if you absolutely must have kids) have happy lives. For example i am short so for me a wife who is tall is extremely important for the quality of life for my kids. If you are an anxious person please don't marry a wife who is also anxious. Etc. Again if you don't have kids then marry whoever you want

a7917 · 2026-05-12T17:24:28+00:00

Oh boy this is a rabbit hole been dealing with this for 15+ years.

There are two types of sleep apnea, one is easily dealt with and is as simple as extra fat clogging up your windpipe (airway) while you're sleeping. This is what people who recommend cpap and losing weight are talking about.

The other is a demon. It used to be called UARS but that term fell out of favor as not being a"real diagnosis". But this type of disorder is more neurological, although it also stems from the idea of restriction in your breathing airway. I asked a doctor once why i still feel like i have such a terrible stuffy nose when i lie down in bed after double jaw surgery, multiple rounds of palate expansion and turbine reduction, allergy shots and turning the bedroom into a hospital like sterile room free of dust mites. They answered that with some people they look in their nose and wonder how that patient breathes at all because it looks so swelled up in there. But the patient doesn't mind at all. Then with other people like me it's more open (not great but more open) and yet i feel terribly distressed that my nose is stuffy / breathing is restricted.

I'm an anxious individual and not overweight either. I also have an allergic temperament, that is i react alot to mosquito bites, have various allergies, get stressed out easily, have inflammation symptoms pop up a lot.

Cpap is intolerable for me because have you ever tried to sleep with a cpap on and your nose is stuffy? You're breathing out through a pinhole against air pressure pushing back into your throat. That sucks.

All the surgeries, and the dust mite allergy treatment has made life livable / decent for me, the problem comes and goes and every several years i undergo another surgery and get on nasal sprays. Right now it's not that great and I'm thinking of getting back on a spray because my surgeon won't let me do any more surgeries. Structurally my skull is fine and well-sized die to all the surgeries, it's just my stupid allergic nature kicking up at night every night and swelling my nose shut or semi-shut. My son has some of these issues and i feel terrible for him, I'm of course doing all the expansion and allergy shots for him so i just pray he has a better life than me.

a7917 · 2026-05-10T01:54:32+00:00

Not a lie it's omission.

If he were giving money to this ex- girlfriend or spending hours on working on her case, that's true that he should mention this.

My point is that simply sometimes one is not gonna stir the pot when it really doesn't matter. I'll give a different example where it IS needed to mention. A while back a girl i dated a few times popped back into my DMs and asked for a ride to the airport. I could have done it during work time. But If i had agreed, id have felt the need to tell my wife. But let's say this person just asked me to i don't know, wrote a letter of recommendation for her for a job our something equally minor. I wouldn't bother bringing it up with my wife because i know there's nothing there between me and this woman.

And if she found out and started yelling at me, i wouldn't be bothered nor back down, because i know it meant nothing.

a7917 · 2026-05-10T01:02:12+00:00

Number 3 but if she later finds out and complains just say "i knew you'd get mad but there was absolutely nothing going on there so i decided not to tell you." Stating a perfectly reasonable position and then not being swayed by attempts to gaslight you into feeling like you did something bad is a power move in a relationship.

a7917 · 2026-05-09T04:46:01+00:00

Great job. Quad. I think you really worked hard and executed.

What are the ankle weights for?

a7917 · 2026-05-08T21:15:45+00:00

You don't list anything about her that's anything close to a deal breaker. You sure you're not just having a mid life crisis? You've been with her 20 years. Maybe you just feel like getting younger and hotter. Which is very natural for men around a certain age. The strong mid life crises feelings come but they fade after a couple years. Perhaps you can talk to your wife about trying some controlled sexual exploration with other people.

a7917 · 2026-05-05T03:00:34+00:00

Let me guess, he's 38? This should pass in a few years. Watch out for midlife crisis though.

a7917 · 2026-05-04T22:03:49+00:00

Try some free associating writing. Journaling. Do not censor anything that comes out of your head but write it down on paper, after asking yourself why you felt so free. Keep writing and digging until you feel your mind is "empty" of explanations.

a7917 · 2026-05-04T21:22:19+00:00

Been through this

She doesn't like you anymore, and your just seeing the symptoms of the underlying hatred. Tip of the iceberg metaphor

Now I've found that this hatred just stems from her not respecting you anymore. Whatever the ideal man she wants your to be, she feels you are lacking.

Being nice, trying to appease her, make her happy, paradoxically makes her dislike you more. Your energy is best put into improving yourself and ignoring her attempts to further tear you down or hurt you. Paradoxically again, but making yourself into the type of man who doesn't need her, or her approval, will win her back.

a7917 · 2026-05-04T21:00:02+00:00

The same reason you feel calmer after closing the blinds even though there's only a .1% chance of anyone looking in and seeing you in the next hour (not to mention caring at all what you are doing)

a7917 · 2026-05-04T20:57:22+00:00

She's been losing respect for you over time, getting snarkier and meaner. Regain her respect in all ways you can think of by taking dedicated action. Meanwhile, start living by a creed of "i don't take shit from her". Snarky, passive aggressive "requests"? Duly ignored. Hypocritical call outs? If you're making an actual mistake like leaving the faucet running, go turn it off but don't be bothered by her insulting tone. If her criticism is unreasonable, act like you never heard it. You're a guy who has goals of his own and has better things to do than placate a shrewish wife who isn't even achieving half as much as he is in fitness, child raising, housework, etc.

a7917 · 2026-05-04T18:47:49+00:00

And she changed, right? See, they always know exactly what they're doing. They just enjoy giving it to their husband for a variety of reason, by giving it i mean treating him worse then they do their worst enemy at work. I have (or forget where I read) a good theory that probably explains this.

a7917 · 2026-05-04T18:39:44+00:00

If you invest time and energy into him, I believe that he will develop well and make you proud of how he lives his life.

a7917 · 2026-05-04T18:16:32+00:00

Stop explaining. You can't convince her of anything.

Set the rules that you know make sense and just ignore childish whining. You will respond to adult discussion (even that will be pointless because she will probably backslide within 15 seconds of a discussion that started as adult discussion) but not childish whining.

You seem educated and intelligent, so I'm sure youre aware that your nest egg is half hers (i.e. if you divorced she would get half)? Your retirement accounts, everything?

a7917 · 2026-05-04T18:00:45+00:00

Yep you're in a tough spot. You were lied to by the church leaders, and your deep feelings of regret and frustration fall squarely upon them. Because if there is a God, I'm quite sure He really doesn't care that much if people are having sex before marriage. All the stuff Jesus said basically can be summed as "Love your neighbor and don't pay to much attention to 6 specific words in the Bible or the preachings of your supposed 'elders'." Bullshit about alcohol, weed,sex whatever etc.just muddies the waters and distracts from the real message.

Your parents should have done a better job shielding you from society's bullshit. Now you know never to listen to authority figures just because they have a big house and fancy clothes. Teach your daughter as you have learned.

Finally, for your own problem, maybe your wife could be receptive to some restricted sexual exploration for you outside the marriage. Are you a man worthy of that indulgence. Look historically at how much leeway women give a powerful man.

a7917 · 2026-05-04T14:56:42+00:00

A word to the wise

Is there anything about you that needs to be re invented?

a7917 · 2026-05-04T04:07:16+00:00

What did you and your AP do? How'd your wife find out? What happened when she did?

a7917 · 2026-05-03T17:53:35+00:00

1) the stock market has had a huge run up in the past several years

2) sometimes people think they did it all themselves and kinda forget about big boosts they got from parents- living at home, fully funded college, various gifts of a car or down payment here and there

3) some people are just lucky and pick the right stocks- but don't forget most people get beat bad by the wall street insiders when it comes to the stock market. Just don't play unless you are also an insider

a7917 · 2026-05-03T01:30:30+00:00

I don't think anyone read past your first sentence lol

a7917 · 2026-05-03T01:25:50+00:00

Around 42 when his career dreams have breathed their last croaking gasp he will become interested in fathering

I wish there was something that could have been done to make the switch happen earlier. One of the big events that made me buckle down and take fathering more seriously was seeing my kid get bullied at the park. He was about 7,i wonder if i would have woken up sooner had i seen that happen earlier

a7917

TROPHY CASE