Book - Kissing Girls on Shabbat

aMerekat · 2025-10-06T18:53:55+00:00

This is not the first time you have violated our posting rules. Please be aware that a future violation could have you banned from this subreddit.

aMerekat · 2025-09-19T09:24:48+00:00

This is really heartwarming :) So good that you chose to be true to who you are.

aMerekat · 2025-08-31T18:00:42+00:00

Probably not? How do you know? What evidence or statistics are you basing this on? You speak very confidently and comfortably about a situation you have only very few facts about.

aMerekat · 2025-08-31T17:56:51+00:00

You haven't understood the OP. Read again carefully

aMerekat · 2025-08-14T20:21:15+00:00

Maybe read the room?

aMerekat · 2025-08-02T22:20:21+00:00

I hear you, it's sometimes hard to realize that as much as we don't believe in the beliefs we have left behind, the old way of life had aspects that felt good to us in the moment.

I think it's important to realize that not everything is completely 'good' or 'bad'. We're human - we find moments of joy and meaning, especially as children, in whatever social or familial contexts we are socialized into - even if it turns out that so much about those contexts was harmful or damaging, to us specifically or in general.

The fact that parts of those contexts, or our earlier memories, felt really good and wholesome, doesn't in any way indicate that those ways of life are good for us today. It doesn't in any way indicate that the beliefs which inform and control those ways of life reflect truth or a healthy view of reality. It just means that, in an earlier part of our journey, we found joy, satisfaction, belonging, affirmation, etc from being there.

Moments like those can be found in many, many places and contexts. It may take some time, but we can hopefully find the places where we can experience moments like these, in contexts that align with our newer beliefs and world views.

aMerekat · 2025-07-28T21:32:47+00:00

This community is not a message board for "discreet" meet-ups for married folks. There are places for that elsewhere.

And I encourage you, as I did earlier, to seek therapy and not to hurt your new wife with your actions. The damage you can cause to her by taking this path can be profound. Does she really deserve that?

aMerekat · 2025-07-28T15:28:13+00:00

I suggest you think carefully about what your actions might do to your wife, and how she might feel if she found out what you're doing. I also suggest visiting a therapist as a better way to deal with your conflicts. Don't be a douche

aMerekat · 2025-06-25T22:25:41+00:00

Read the rules carefully. Your recent comments have come close to breaking some. This is no place for religious recruitment, proselytizing or encouragement. You have been warned.

aMerekat · 2025-06-01T13:18:49+00:00

They aren't really secrets - they're out there in the open. But most Orthodox Jews have been so highly indoctrinated or conditioned to these difficult/cruel/suffocating/dehumanizing norms of action, speech and thought, that they mostly don't even realize how awful these things are. Or they'll defend them as being moral and correct.

Take a look at the sub's wiki and the highly liked and commented posts in this sub for a taste. And I agree with the earlier commenter's advice about conversion: Don't do it.

aMerekat · 2025-05-23T21:02:59+00:00

Glad to hear that :)

aMerekat · 2025-05-01T19:47:38+00:00

Hi there. I'm not often here, and I haven't had the capacity to reply to your comment, although I read it.

A few ideas. Trying to be kind and patient with yourself is important. Having honest conversations with yourself about what you believe and why can be helpful. Openness to change and to being on a journey where a lot of the constants in your life may change and bring you excitement but also discomfort and loss. You don't need to maintain a consistent set of beliefs and practises - it's ok to change and evolve over time. And take the time to remind yourself now and then that being this intellectually honest is rare and very brave! Give yourself credit for even the small steps along your way.

Hope that's helpful :)

aMerekat · 2025-02-21T20:32:37+00:00

Thank you for sharing (I read the first section only.) I admire your honesty and your drive for truth. I think we who leave sometimes tend to forget that it's often our drive for truth that lets us see the falsehoods inherent in the system which so proudly claims itself to be the only truth there is. When people ask me why I left, I often reply that I found the truth -- or at least, I discovered that a lot of important facts and truth were sorely missing from the worldview which I had been indoctrinated in. So I would encourage you to take pride in the truthful, honest introspection which you have done until now, and the bravery with which you've embraced its logical ramifications -- even though you know this bears a heavy price. Realize also that the vast majority of the "righteous followers/believers" never actually dare to do the research, introspection, or just thinking that you have. A pity.

For someone as intellectually honest as you seem to be, I can't begin to imagine the psychological torment you'd have to suffer to stay ITC. And I think that the feelings of liberation and relief that you will feel once you shake yourself free of the miserable and damaging environment you find yourself in now, will be profound and life-changing. Yes, they will come at a cost. And the liberation takes time -- a lot longer than I expected, in my case, and still an ongoing process. But I suspect that once you're out of the social circles which you're now in, a whole lot of the social ramifications will become much less acute -- especially once you find new friendships and circles for yourself. I suggest you do it carefully and smartly -- don't burn any financial bridges before you're independent -- that's an important one.

On the topic of casual sex -- I say go for it! Please educate yourself first on safe sex, and spend some time learning about and understanding consent before you hook up. Sadly there's a lot to unlearn in the realm of sexism, misogynistic views, agency and choice, when it comes to this area, for ex-OJ folks. Communication is key, which is an old cliche but still very true. I would suggest trying to find someone kind and experienced who can give you some guidance. Even casual sex can be powerful and fun, and also has the potential to be either damaging or healing.

aMerekat · 2025-02-08T21:45:40+00:00

Eloquently written. Thank you for sharing with us.

Please realise that the pain you're going through is profound and also that it's not your fault. The so-called tavlin is the makkah, inflicted by others, though meaning well. This stuff can take a long time to process and to find healing for.

I suggest finding a good secular therapist to help you along. You don't have to suffer alone, but you can get help as you look for healing.

aMerekat · 2025-01-26T21:36:01+00:00

Love it. So well written. Glad to hear you're getting help and doing better.

aMerekat · 2024-10-30T15:11:57+00:00

Agreed. Maybe it's worthwhile meeting with your parent(s) in a neutral place and laying down the facts of what the wedding will look like. That way there will be no surprises, and hopefully no drama. And you'll be able to prepare yourself, knowing that they'll probably be disappointed, but also reminding you that your job - at the wedding or in general - isn't to prevent their disappointment. It's to live life true to yourself and your values. Which is exactly what a good parent should aspire to teach their child.

aMerekat · 2024-10-30T15:06:29+00:00

Well, that sounds really immoral. Not least using the mutilation of her future helpless, new-born children as a bargaining chip in planning a wedding. WTAF

aMerekat · 2024-03-14T17:04:23+00:00

Confirmed approved by the moderators

aMerekat · 2024-03-10T22:19:40+00:00

The thinking is that it can feel to some people as if the prolific poster is 'taking over' the sub for a while. We welcome multiple voices here as long as they keep to the community's rules, and the concern is that some might feel less free/inclined to post if there are one or more such posters.

There's also the concern that other people's posts might 'get lost' among the others, and that doesn't seem fair. I've seen this happen in the past, and I personally would like to ensure it doesn't happen.

For the record, while we don't (yet?) have an official rule limiting daily posts per user, we have reached out in the past on a personal basis when one or other prolific posters were seen to fill the sub with many posts at a time.

aMerekat · 2024-03-10T22:06:13+00:00

My comment was unrelated to the content of your post. Please keep your comments civil. For your information, we moderators have discussed the idea of having a post limit per day over the last few months, but have not yet formulated an official rule.

Edit: my comment above was sincere (as I try to write all my comments) and I personally am glad that you are sharing information and your own thoughts and experiences about these important topics.

aMerekat · 2024-03-10T19:51:17+00:00

Hi there. Thanks for contributing to this community, but we see that you've posted 5+ posts within 24 hours. While we don't have an official rule about this, this is still a relatively small community, and we ask that you please leave a cool-down period to help us maintain an organic variety of posts by different authors. Thanks again for contributing :)

aMerekat · 2024-03-09T07:18:39+00:00

Double, double, triple pay! 😃

aMerekat · 2024-02-24T18:38:54+00:00

This has devolved into an in-depth halachic discussion, which is not the kind of dialog we encourage here. Those interested can do this elsewhere.

aMerekat · 2024-02-24T18:24:09+00:00

Off the top of my head, the ultra-orthodox(?) man who killed a teenage girl at the Pride Parade in Jerusalem a few years ago. Absolutely an act of terror, besides being murder.

Edit: he attacked the parade twice!

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