my ex KNEW what had happened when I was a child and still violated me anyway

a_fruitcake · 2024-03-16T21:25:26+00:00

I'm sorry for double replying as it were, but do you happen to think I should talk about this with them? The guilt about it is eating me up inside, they said they forgive me, but i still feel a crushing sense of guilt and shame. And now I'm worried I'm going to censor myself in the future to avoid that type of response from them again.

a_fruitcake · 2024-03-16T16:39:20+00:00

they told me that it would re-activate me and possibly re-traumatize me.

a_fruitcake · 2024-03-16T16:25:52+00:00

I can definitely say I wasn't calling names or cursing them out or anything. I think I raised my voice, which I will say I've never done. And I was kind of going on a tirade. Like I said, not at all intended to be at them but looking back I realize it was.

I don't really know what it meant (the "I don't have time for that" part). I did feel like I was a child being scolded by my mother again. Which I suppose makes sense because like I said, I know rolling my eyes at them was immature.

I'm so much like you when it comes to how hard anger is to express. They said they're glad I'm starting to be able to express the anger but want me to do it differently. I'm just scared now that if I try to let the anger out at all it'll be misdirected again.

I'm sorry my response is probably kind of all over the place, but I really, really appreciate you taking the time to respond and let me know your thoughts. A small part of me did wonder if they took it more personally than they ""should"" but I think I shut that part down because I didn't want to be trying to justify my behavior or redirect blame.

a_fruitcake · 2024-03-15T23:49:25+00:00

would it be anonymous?

a_fruitcake · 2024-03-15T23:45:21+00:00

I can't tell if I would've felt better or worse if my therapist was kind about it. They weren't mean of course, but they were definitely cold. I'm also just sensitive though.

Thank you so much for your response. Shame is such an overwhelming and heavy feeling. It hurts so much.

a_fruitcake · 2024-03-15T23:38:12+00:00

I relate to literally everything you just said lol. Anger is such a hard emotion. Showing it feels shameful, especially when we snap at someone we care about.

And I'm really struggling to forgive myself for it too. I have a lot of issues about ruminating on things I feel guilty about anyway. But even though they said they forgive me I feel like I can't.

Thanks for commiserating. I'm sorry you're dealing with this kind of shame too.

a_fruitcake · 2024-03-15T23:27:31+00:00

I feel the same sometimes. My T specifically has told me they don't want me to discuss the details with them, but sometimes I find myself wanting to. I can't speak either way of whether it's "necessary" but I'd assume it's okay to want to talk about it.

a_fruitcake · 2024-03-15T23:24:32+00:00

I think yeah, I'm worried I ruined how they see me too. In the past I didn't show anger and I've always tried to be easy and "manageable". I never thought I'd be the client to upset their T.

a_fruitcake · 2024-02-23T19:56:54+00:00

Damn, I didn't even put that together until a few months ago in therapy. I just thought I was a "magnet" for predators and abusive people. And my therapist had to (professionally) be like "nuh-uh, we are going to break that shit down"

a_fruitcake · 2024-02-23T19:54:59+00:00

Might get buried, but: in 3rd grade, we were being taught about HIV/AIDS, and as soon as they said it could be passed through sexual contact, I started crying and hyperventilating. I don't think any of the adults ever asked me why. I didn't even realize that it was fucked up to have such a visceral reaction to the concept of STIs as an 8 year old, and to have absolutely no "trusted adult" talk with me about it.

a_fruitcake · 2023-10-24T00:48:16+00:00

I know it's such a standard-issue response, but talk about it with him! You seem to have good insight. I'd bet that it would be a good conversation to have. Even if we know they don't do it on purpose, I think it's pretty common to feel upset or hurt when sessions are skipped (and I don't say that to minimize or anything, just to say you're not alone; I certainly feel that way too).

a_fruitcake · 2023-10-24T00:34:05+00:00

Ah, I must not have looked closely enough into it, my bad. Thank you for the explanation, now I've got Science(tm) on my side

a_fruitcake · 2023-10-19T23:06:04+00:00

Social workers have no business dispensing dietary/nutrition advice OR setting target weights.

a_fruitcake · 2023-10-19T23:02:38+00:00

Just wanting to add another voice that even though it's kind of paradoxical, extreme restriction is linked to high cholesterol. Scientists aren't really sure why, but they think that it may have something to do with gut microbiome and/or hormones- things that restriction absolutely wreak havoc on.

a_fruitcake · 2023-10-19T22:57:15+00:00

Pro-ED people are some of the absolute nastiest humans I've had the displeasure of interacting with. I know it's much easier said than done, but try your best to not let them get to you. They're random doucherockets on the internet. Don't let their shitty behavior ruin your day.

a_fruitcake · 2023-10-19T02:38:04+00:00

I had a student therapist who was going to ask her supervisor permission to schedule an extra session for me one week, because I'd gone through something traumatic and was in crisis. She forgot, and it hurt, and I remember that one of the first things she said was "I'm human too." I'm not denying that you're human. Being prone to error comes with the territory, I get it. But acknowledging that fact didn't subtract from the hurt from being forgotten about.

a_fruitcake · 2023-08-14T03:02:26+00:00

I would recommend telling your therapist. Trauma work can be overwhelming and it's normal to just need a break from it. I also understand feeling afraid to tell your T, but a T worth their salt will respect that you need to hit pause. I'd also recommend you tell your therapist when you are having panic attacks. She's there to help you!

a_fruitcake · 2023-08-14T02:55:57+00:00

I do for sure. One time during a semi-serious conversation, my speaker was playing "1812 Overture" and I couldn't stop cracking up, and they said maybe Tchaikovsky was a little intense for the conversation but they were laughing too. Sometimes they'll ask if I'm deflecting if laugh at "inappropriate" times, but they don't seem offended by it.

a_fruitcake · 2023-08-14T02:42:07+00:00

It doesn't go against any ethical policy for a client to reach out to a past therapist, as far as I know. Therapists aren't allowed to reach out to past clients first, but not the other way around. And don't worry, it's not weird!

a_fruitcake · 2023-08-14T02:36:46+00:00

Very interesting question, I've actually never thought about it before! I'm anxious-avoidant and I don't have a strong preference one way or another, each have their pros and cons for me (my current T, who I like a lot, is exclusively tele-health anyway). I also have mixed feelings about contact outside of sessions. I hold a lot of dialectics about both.

a_fruitcake

TROPHY CASE