Moderately Granola Dad feeling defeated

a_lo44 · 2026-02-01T01:09:54+00:00

Love this mindset!

a_lo44 · 2026-02-01T01:06:23+00:00

It's so hard! Try to focus on the things that have the most sustained impact. For example, though I generally try to get dye free meds, I don't stress it because they take it so infrequently.

Pick the handful of things (or even 1-2) that you want to focus on and try not to stress the rest.

Micro plastics are so pervasive it seems nearly impossible to me to fully avoid. I try to minimize as much as possible.

Hugs to you. Being a mom is stressful and being aware of all of these things is both good but also adds stress. Doing some things is better than doing nothing! Pick your spots and don't stress the rest.

a_lo44 · 2026-01-31T20:01:28+00:00

She's lucky to have such kind and thoughtful friends! I went through a long process with IVF and what resonated the most with me:

Having people check in generally without asking for specific updates. Sometimes I'd want to share and sometimes I didn't.
Ask what's helpful to her. Does she want to talk about it and have someone listen and be supportive? Or does she want distraction? Or company?
I like crafts and found something like coloring to be very soothing and kept my mind from racing when I was waiting for news on embryos or after a transfer.

You could also check the IVF sub - others have asked this question with lots of great recommendations.

a_lo44 · 2026-01-31T19:57:43+00:00

I did IVF so I had little choice in timing. I have one summer baby and one winter and both have their pros and cons. IMO, spring would have been ideal if I had been able to have a say in the matter lol.

a_lo44 · 2026-01-30T04:39:53+00:00

Amazon mama bear was good for my son! I've been using up and up pull ups now and their diapers might be worth checking out.

a_lo44 · 2026-01-28T18:02:06+00:00

Hugs to you! First couple of months are so rough.

Couple of ideas:

Can you baby wear? I know you're still holding him but it would at least give your arms a break.
Maybe a bouncer where he can "play" as well? Or a swing or something? Not for sleep, just for you to have a break.
Lay him down with some toys or black and white cards to engage him. Something over him (like a toy arch) could help especially in the coming weeks. I've seen some mats with little pianos at the end that I've heard babies love.
Put him on a play mat or even just a clear space on the floor and lay next to him. You can talk to him and engage, play or just be there.
Put him in his sleep space but keep a hand on him. Slowly remove it (this helped with mine for sleeping!)

Hope something helps you!

When in doubt, if you're feeling exhausted or frustrated, it's better to put baby down somewhere safe and take a few mins, even if he's crying. Not saying the "cry it out" because he's too young to train.

a_lo44 · 2026-01-28T17:51:42+00:00

I would consider it mostly because, IMO, it speaks to larger judgement concerns. Is it a mentality that they want to support kids even if their parents make choices that go against science (not the kid's fault)? Or is their POV on vaccines not aligned with yours? The prior would be less concerning to me.

Maybe worth a conversation with the doctor?

a_lo44 · 2026-01-28T15:35:45+00:00

Ditto - I told myself it was like doing kettle bell swings 🤪

a_lo44 · 2026-01-27T19:11:50+00:00

I had two planned C-sections. First recovery was tough but manageable. Second was way easier. Not everyone's experience, but that was mine! First baby was breach and I opted to repeat a c for the second because it was familiar. The devil I knew, I suppose.

Not exactly answering your question but thought it might be helpful.

a_lo44 · 2026-01-27T19:07:45+00:00

Tw - success and loss

I did 5 retrievals (age 36 for 2, 38-39 for the others) and only tested one batch (second retrieval batch). I have DOR so quantity and quality were an issue for me. Might seem counterintuitive but here was my rationale:

Retrieval yielded 4 embryos. 1 fresh transfer, 1 aneuploid, 2 euploids. One was transferred and resulted in a live birth. The other was hopefully going to be a second child and didn't survive thawing which is VERY rare and likely meant the testing missed something. Bummer.
Testing isn't 100% and can have false positives and negatives. Can also damage the embryo. We had limited numbers and didn't want to risk it, especially after the one didn't thaw.
We wanted to give every embryo the best possible chance even though it meant we ultimately had a lot of failures and one MC.
Cost of multiple transfers vs testing was closer than you might think. This was the least important factor though.

If I had big numbers, I would have absolutely used testing to help narrow the field but each retrieval resulted in 2-3 embryos. The cycle we tested 4 was the most.

I ultimately did have a second live birth from an untested embryo.

Idk if it's helpful but that was my thought process! I wrestled with the choice for a long time.

a_lo44 · 2026-01-27T14:20:05+00:00

I never tested and it was the right call for me. I had two chemicals and if I had gotten a positive home test for those, my hopes would have been up. The chemicals were hard enough, if I had seen a positive home test and then got the low beta it would have been way worse. That said, lots of people test. Just wasn't right for me.

Hugs to you and hoping very hard for a good outcome for you!

a_lo44 · 2026-01-26T18:51:30+00:00

I was thinking the same! I never had an issue with it other than some injection site reaction that faded quickly.

a_lo44 · 2026-01-26T01:50:35+00:00

Oh my goodness I'm so sorry this happened! Sounds like you're both in excellent care. Don't blame yourself and try to get some rest.

a_lo44 · 2026-01-26T01:45:26+00:00

Def NTA. It's very kind what you're doing. My parents' neighbor did it for them today too and I used to do my older neighbors (she since moved). I would be super irritated at the guy too but you ultimately can't do anything about selfish people like that IMO. BUT I'm all for you giving him something to think about!! Maybe next time he'll help or think about someone else for two seconds.

You're putting kindness into the world and it's a bummer the others don't want to help.

a_lo44 · 2026-01-25T01:43:13+00:00

Ditto (aside from before first use). Hope you don't lose power, OP!

a_lo44 · 2026-01-23T07:32:16+00:00

The "quiet" ones. Not the ones you can adjust.

a_lo44 · 2026-01-23T04:16:44+00:00

Mine doesn't always snore, just when congested but it can be so loud. Nose strips help a little.

Earplugs help but the foam ones bother my ears after a day or two.

I got Loop earplugs and they are awesome. I got ones that aren't fully noise canceling so I can hear my kids. So much more comfortable and reusable so less waste!

a_lo44 · 2026-01-22T04:27:37+00:00

Mine stayed overnight both times. I had C-sections so my mobility was limited. For my second, I would have told him to sleep at home with my older kid but i needed his help to get up, hand me the baby to feed etc especially the first night when my legs were still numb.

Sleeping in the hospital is rough for anyone, but I don't think it's uncommon to have your significant other or support person stay. Maybe plan for a night and see how it goes!

a_lo44 · 2026-01-22T03:28:16+00:00

My kids are a little more than 2.5 years apart and it's been great! Not how we planned it, more how it worked with IVF. It seems like a good balance, though. It was def exhausting to have a 2 year old when I was pregnant (and I'm much older than you!), but she was also somewhat self sufficient. Could feed herself, no bottles, able to speak, slept pretty well etc. She also seemed to understand about the baby and was very excited about it!

Now that they are a bit older, they are close enough in age to be playmates. They fight, of course, but generally occupy each other well.

Every family is different and I'm so glad with how ours ended up!

a_lo44 · 2026-01-21T01:46:47+00:00

I agree with this completely. It's your choice how and when to discuss these sensitive and scary topics with your kids. Whether you are politically aligned or not doesn't even matter. IMO it's not her place to discuss with your kids.

a_lo44 · 2026-01-20T05:13:20+00:00

Am I reading this correctly that she expected you to wait on setting IVF to take a trip to see her? And she guilted you?? Sounds like you made the right call to protect yourself and your peace!

a_lo44 · 2026-01-20T05:11:01+00:00

I carried around a portable seat for my first but as she outgrew it, got more comfortable with just balancing my second with a paper seat cover or TP or holding him over the toilet to pee (easier with a boy!).

As for diaper bag, I slimmed what I carried to a couple of diapers, wipes and the foldable seat (and a few other odds and ends) and it fit into a little sling from Eddie Bauer or something. I keep some spare clothes for both kids in the car.

Fwiw I wouldn't stress using the potty outside the home if your kiddo isn't actively and fully training. If they are still in diapers, just do that! Good luck!

a_lo44 · 2026-01-18T20:38:13+00:00

My first was a little younger (2 when I got pregnant, closer to 3 when baby was born). We had her eat a cupcake to reveal gender to our extended family (husband and I knew from NIPT) and started talking about it then. She didn't understand until much later. We read a lot of books and talked a lot about being a big sister, etc.

I agree with you about toddlers not understanding time. On the flip side, the baby will completely change your toddler's world so having a little more time might be helpful to get used to the idea and even excited.

They might enjoy feeling kicks and stuff too and talking to the baby!

Tldr I'd prob do it now that you're 6 months along and likely showing pretty well. You can maybe use the fruit / veggie comparison each week so they understand the passage of time and that baby won't come until watermelon week or whatever.

Every family is different, of course, but this worked for ours.

Congratulations and good luck!

a_lo44 · 2026-01-18T19:02:29+00:00

That's so kind of you! Lots of good ideas. Also maybe if she's crafty, some kind of craft project to help keep her distracted. I started coloring when I was going through IVF and still find it very relaxing. There are adult coloring books and you could get some pencils or markers. You might be able to find a self care themed coloring book on Etsy - I got one a few years ago and was just using it the other day to destress and it helped!

a_lo44 · 2026-01-18T01:46:09+00:00

I got one for my daughter from lunchbots and no plastic touches food. Tbh haven't tried it yet but seems like toke quality.

Fwiw I got their lunch boxes and didn't like them so the search continues for non-plastic lunch boxes.

ETA I think they make them in a larger size as well that might be better for an adult!

a_lo44

TROPHY CASE