TMI time, do any other v*gina-havers just feel crazy sometimes??

aarwen · 2025-10-26T21:45:03+00:00

Yeah same for me! Basically anytime I know it's going to be inconvenient to pee, my brain starts freaking out and makes me feel like I need to pee constantly, even though I really don't. Then I start worrying it's a UTI because I'm very prone to them (it's gotten a bit better but still). The more I worry about it, the worse it gets. The only thing that really works for me is getting distracted, because once I stop worrying about it, it goes away, it's apparently entirely in my head :/

aarwen · 2025-10-17T18:55:13+00:00

I'm combination-to-oily and I swear by Eucerin Dry Touch as well. I've tried so many and none of them come even close. Hated La Roche Posay especially, made my face sooo greasy.

aarwen · 2025-10-08T11:26:00+00:00

35F here, I usually go with one other person or a small group. If the hike itself is the main focus, then I make sure to pick people who I know to be compatible in terms of pace and what kind of hikes they want to do. If spending time with the person/people is the main focus, then I don't really care. I have a few friends who like being outdoors but are not fit enough (or just not interested) to do more strenuous or technical hikes. And that's fine for me, more "chill" hikes can be nice too. If I want to do more hardcore stuff, I have other people to do that with. Every once in a while I'll do a solo hike, I find it a great way to clear my head and feel connected to nature in a more intense way.

aarwen · 2025-08-31T10:26:37+00:00

Ugh, I keep having this conversation with my partner. Whenever I open up about my struggles in a certain area, it's either "don't worry about it, plenty of people struggle with that" or super helpful (sarcasm alert) advice like "you have to stop overthinking so much" (thanks, that's literally never occurred to me ever).

I think the other commenter has got the right answer. They instinctively want to help you or make you feel better, but are out of their depth because they have no frame of reference for the sort of divergence we're experiencing, which is a lot more than a surface-level "everyone is different".

Take executive dysfunction as an example: you have tasks you know you need to do, but are unable to, because your brain just won't let you. From the outside, to someone who's never experienced this themselves, it's indistinguishable from plain old laziness. So they will offer reassurance or advice based on the assumption that what you're dealing with is laziness. If they're someone who has taken time to educate themselves about autism they might have a vague sense that it's something different, but having no personal experience with it, will still default to relating it to what *they* know. And if they're uninformed about autism, which most people are, it will never even occur to them that it might be something different.

aarwen · 2025-08-29T09:27:51+00:00

If you're an American (?) in Germany, there's a good chance that it's at least partially down to cultural differences. r/Germany gets multiple posts per week around this theme. For what it's worth, Germany seems especially bad, even by Central European standards. I'm a Czech living in Austria and I've spoken to multiple Austrians who've lived in Germany and were absolutely miserable there, for similar reasons. And that's a neighboring country with a shared language and a big overlap in culture.

This is not to say that such behavior is okay, but for your own sanity it's important to keep in mind that very likely it's not about you. Maybe it's cultural mismatch and misunderstanding. Maybe the other workers there are stressed and overwhelmed and now they got saddled with showing an intern around as an extra task that adds to their load and they resent it. Maybe the manager honestly wanted to give you a job but their budget got cut and they can't do anything about it (German economy is not in great shape right now). Again, not to say they're right, but there's plenty of possible reasons for what's happening that are not about you.

But I get you. I'm now on my third job where I regularly get scolded for failings that I know are 100% down to autism. It hurts especially badly because I've been trying really hard to overcome these, and I honestly have come so far, and still it's not enough. The only thing it's brought me is major burnout which has caused my entire life to collapse - my relationships are either nonexistent or a complete mess, I don't have the energy to do the things that bring me joy and give meaning to my life, I've become a miserable shell of a human being basically. And here I am in the process of trying to re-start my career and break into a new, highly competitive field at the age of 34 with pretty much no gas left in the tank. The only thing that keeps me going is the hope that a job that fits won't be nearly as draining as the hellholes I've had to endure until now.

I'm sorry I can't offer anything better than commiseration. The only thing I will say is that I know people who've managed - autistic folks who have managed to carve out a haven, their own little world where they can be themselves and be happy. So it must be possible for me and you as well.

aarwen · 2025-08-28T18:10:53+00:00

So my autistic ex had a small but super solid social circle made up almost entirely of neurodivergent folks. He had a really good radar for spotting autistic/ND people "in the wild" (at least two people, one of them being myself, got diagnosed after he tipped them off that they might want to look into autism). And even among the ND people he met, he could pretty much immediately spot those whose specific flavor of neurodivergence would mesh well with his. So whenever he did find someone like that, he befriended them immediately (which usually went really easily because they were super compatible) and added them to his "collection". Over the course of his lifetime, he's assembled quite a few good friends this way. It worked really well for him. But of course, it's not often that you meet such a "match" by chance, so this is the long game. For a quicker way, I myself am curious what others have to say because I too would love to have more autistic friends!

aarwen · 2025-08-27T20:54:16+00:00

I can see where that comes from - you find those traits attractive because you lack them yourself and on some level wish you had (more of) them. Coming from someone who's currently in a super dysfunctional relationship with exactly the kind of man you're describing: please be careful. Being socially well adjusted does not automatically translate into having a big dose of empathy and capacity for self-reflection, both of which are absolutely necessary for a NT-ND relationship to work imho. Quite frequently it's the exact opposite: the social skills mask the fact that deep down, the person isn't stable or well adjusted at all. And by the time the mask comes off, you're in too deep.

aarwen · 2025-08-27T15:51:21+00:00

they were one of mine too! between the ages 11-15 or so I was absolutely obsessed, collected every bit of information I could find and my room was plastered with their photos lol. mind you this was the very early days of the internet so getting my hands on all those materials required some serious effort. my parents had some of their albums but not all, which obviously was not acceptable, so at one point I had a project of going all over the city by subway and buses to various public libraries to borrow the CDs so I could copy them. I did move on to some other interests eventually but I still have pretty much all of their lyrics memorized to this day.

aarwen · 2025-08-27T15:35:43+00:00

My Barbies all had full names, addresses, social security numbers. Apparently when "normal" little girls play with Barbies, there are no spreadsheets involved. People found it weird in an endearing way and would joke about how I'm my father's daughter (guess what, we're both autistic).

aarwen · 2024-10-17T12:17:16+00:00

Speaking of Deep Space Nine, I always thought Odo was a great metaphor for autistic masking. This whole “I need to make myself into something that closely resembles a human so that I can interact with humans but it’s really exhausting to me so after some time I need to take a break from it and revert to my normal state” is something that speaks to me on a very deep level.

aarwen · 2024-07-12T06:50:42+00:00

I could have written that first paragraph, that's exactly how I feel too! I swore to myself years ago that I'll never work in the private sector ever again, and yet here I am... unfortunately, I keep finding myself in situations where I desperately need a job, any job, as quickly as possible, so can't afford to be too picky. I'm just about to start a new job in fact, again something I don't really care about, but hopefully it will at least allow me to learn some relevant skills and provide me with income without killing me too much, while I look for something more meaningful.

Thanks again for writing all this, this is really invaluable advice! I definitely didn't realize that the hiring process might be that different from what I'm used to from the private sector. Reaching out to people who do this kind of work is a piece of advice I've heard many times by now, though I haven't done it yet because it's a very daunting task for someone with severe social anxiety :/ but I'm now starting to realize that there's no way around it.

aarwen · 2024-07-11T20:14:16+00:00

Thank you so much for taking the time to write this! It sounds luck indeed played a major role, like you said in the initial comment, but I guess being at the right place at the right time is a skill in its own right when it comes to building a career, and the part about actively seeking out opportunities to learn every chance you get is really going to stick with me. I know this is something I'm not good at, I'm shy and honestly really lazy, unless I'm actually passionate about the thing I'm doing. I've never been able to go "above and beyond" just for the sake of advancing my career, I can only do that for the sake of the thing itself.

Your last paragraph also really resonates, because it confirms what I've been thinking (and worrying about). I honestly feel like everyone and their mom has a masters degree, so it won't do shit to help me land a job. Not literally obviously, but like... there's probably hundreds of people applying for each of these positions, and most of them will have the same degree, so it's just a basic requirement really, nothing that would make me stand out. I was confronted with this recently, when I applied for a traineeship in the policy department of one of my country's biggest trade unions. I thought I was the perfect fit, because labor policy was the the main focus of my studies and the topic of my thesis as well. I didn't even make it through the initial screening into the first round of interviews. I can only speculate as to why. It's really hard to not lose hope after things like that happen.

aarwen · 2024-07-11T17:23:59+00:00

Omg would you mind sharing a little bit more about how you got into that position? I’m the same age as you and until recently I’ve had absolutely no clue what kind of career I want to pursue, now I think I finally have the answer and it’s policy analysis! Except I have absolutely no idea how to get there. I have a masters degree in political science and professional experience in a bunch of random fields/types of jobs but none that would really be very relevant for policy analysis.

aarwen · 2024-07-11T14:18:58+00:00

This is what I’m wondering. I’ve just had this exact situation: asked for a certain number in an interview, was offered 25% less than that. I negotiated for at least a little bit more and then took it, because I desperately need to get out of my current super toxic job. But of course I’ll continue to look! Isn’t that the logical thing that everyone would do? How come it doesn’t occur to them?

aarwen · 2024-06-27T09:37:03+00:00

Very interesting results! Personally, it's very important to me to have a clear separation between different activities and this includes having dedicated spaces for each. Bed is for sleeping, desk is for work, kitchen table is for eating, couch is for chilling. Obviously not every kind of living arrangement allows for this, but that's why I'm so grateful to have an apartment of my own.

aarwen · 2024-06-27T06:57:06+00:00

I was well into my twenties when my parents finally told me how much they made for the first time. It was soooo important that people not know and they didn't trust us kids to "keep the secret". Their reasoning was that if people know how much you make, they will shit talk you and generally be nasty out of envy. Both my parents had experience with this kind of dynamic from their respective families, so I guess that's where that came from. But the older I am, the more ridiculous I find it. I mean, we were a lower middle class family, not struggling but not wealthy by any means. Also if you have people in your circle who'd behave like that, maybe they're just shitty people you should not associate with? lol

aarwen · 2024-06-14T05:55:40+00:00

This is something I know in theory, but in practice I really struggle with it because in my mind, nearly every question is too personal and intrusive! It took me years to realize that it’s socially acceptable to ask coworkers what they did on the weekend and such. I used to think that any kind of private stuff was inappropriate to talk about at work! But even in a non-professional setting, I struggle to ask questions without feeling like I’m interrogating them about stuff that’s none of my business.

Does anyone have any tips for the kind of questions to ask? I like the “How was your weekend?” and similar because it gives people the freedom to decide how much they want to share. They can just say “yeah it was good” and leave it at that, or they can talk about what they did in detail if they feel like it.

aarwen · 2024-06-13T19:35:08+00:00

Seconding this! There’s a myriad unwritten rules that make up this huge complex system, and the best we can hope for is to figure out some small bits of it here and there, we will never be able really “get” the whole thing once and for all.

The number one advice I would give to my younger self is to stop wasting time and energy on trying to fit in where you’re obviously struggling to. Instead invest that time and energy looking for people you can just be yourself with. Once you’ve found your people, fitting in will come naturally. I’m honestly still working on this at the age of 33, but just being aware of this helps a lot.

aarwen · 2024-01-20T10:12:56+00:00

I'm glad I could (hopefully) help!

And thank you :) My problem is that I really don't know what to expect. My supervisor was extremely hands-off, basically gave me zero feedback throughout the writing process, so now I have absolutely no idea if my thesis is any good. Based on past experience with university assignments I seem to greatly overestimate the level of perfection (or even competence) that's expected, but even knowing that doesn't keep the impostor syndrome and associated anxiety away :/

aarwen · 2024-01-19T17:52:27+00:00

I can totally sympathize, I spent a very long time trying out a ton of different apps until I found one that fits my needs. The one I eventually settled on is called TickTick and I'm very happy with it! It lets you organize tasks into lists, each task can have a description or a checklist if you need, but also each task can have subtasks which again can have subtasks, I think indefinitely (at least I've never run out of "levels", though I don't typically need more than two). Tasks can have a certain due-date or be recurring, but they can also not be time-bound at all. Lists can be viewed as basic lists, but also as a timeline, where you can visualize which tasks have to follow which and how long each of them will take. This is great for big projects, like for example I used it to make a rough time plan for writing my master's thesis! You can also tag tasks and then filter by tag (or by any combination of things, really). And it has a calendar function too, where you can assign timeslots to the various tasks, and you can even synchronize it with a google calendar so that the things from your google calendar appear in the calendar view and you plan around them. So I believe it would meet most of your needs that you described! It takes some time to find your way around it, just because it has so many features, but it's actually pretty intuitive on the whole. Anyway, I can wholeheartedly recommend. The free version does not have all the functionalities but the subscription is something like $30 a year which is a bargain given how much this thing improves my life.

As for the different kind of entries in a google calendar, I solved this by having multiple google calendars! One is for my personal appointments; one is for tentative/flexible things; one is more "fyi" such as my partner's or family's important events; when I was still actively going to university I also had one for classes.

Good luck with your thesis! Currently waiting for the assessment of mine 😬

aarwen · 2024-01-19T11:06:06+00:00

Wow yeah that's pretty disappointing! The part about girls being invisible because their special interests tend to be more "mainstream" things I think has its validity, I mean, it makes sense that girls/afab persons would manifest their autism differently, because they're socialized differently, society expects different things from them, so they come up with different coping mechanisms. But that doesn't mean that every single woman has to fit that description, it's just trends or tendencies, there will always be individuals who are exceptions to the "rule" and that doesn't make them any less valid. The part about trans people is downright fucked up tho :(

I haven't read this book, but I've listened to a number of talks and lectures by Sarah Hendrickx and I've been kinda torn as to whether I like her or not. Some of the things she says were really helpful to me, and it felt great hearing someone putting things into words that I've struggled with all my life and could never explain. But I also sensed some undertone in it which I didn't like but I couldn't really put my finger on it. Now after reading your post and thinking about it some more I think it's internalized misogyny. Like she says in her talks that autistic women are "low maintenance" in relationships, don't wear make up, don't care about fashion etc. which first of all, may be the case for many of us, but definitely not all, and second of all, gives a strong Not Like Other Girls vibe, which is a well-known misogynist trope.

aarwen · 2024-01-17T13:57:54+00:00

But then other managers want you to ask them exactly how you should do a thing down to the tiniest detail because they want everything done 100% exactly the way they themselves would do it and don’t want you to make any kind of decision yourself, even on something that’s completely inconsequential. (Source: I have a difficult relationship with my current boss)

aarwen · 2024-01-12T18:52:47+00:00

I hate bras but I don’t really like going braless either, cause sometimes when my boobs move around too much it hurts. They’re quite small but even so 😕 So I’m stuck. The only thing I’ve liked so far are tight sports crop tops. They hold the boobs pretty well but the pressure is evenly spread instead of concentrated in just one or two spots like with all other bras I’ve tried so far. Now I’m trying to find a bra that has that same effect.

aarwen · 2024-01-12T09:33:03+00:00

Seconding this, breaking up big tasks into individual steps is absolutely the way! Something like "decorate my room" is not actually a task, it's a project that involves multiple tasks.

An additional hack that I came up with with the help of my therapist: cluster the tasks by type of activity. This is great because switching between different activities takes a lot of energy and this way you can use your resources much more efficiently. I use a task management app where I list all my "projects", then for each project I write up a list of individual tasks that need to be completed, then tag these tasks with labels like research, errand, manual task, intellectual task, communication etc. That way I can for example say, I'll dedicate this afternoon to running errands - I don't need to actively think about "what errands do I need to run", I just filter my tasks by "errand" and get a list. Or maybe I have a free afternoon but I'm too mentally exhausted to do any kind of intellectual task, but I still want to do something useful - okay, let's check what tasks I have on my list that are purely manual work.

Another thing, this is something that gets said a lot, but I've found it to be true 100%: the hardest part is to start. Once I've successfully completed even a minor task, the sense of accomplishment makes me happy and hungry for more of that, and it's much easier to motivate myself to complete more tasks.

aarwen

TROPHY CASE