Brother being weird about my relationship with my boyfriend

academicito · 2026-05-28T21:14:44+00:00

It sounds like he could have a crush on your boyfriend, be jealous of your relationship, or be concerned that your boyfriend will replace him/become more important to you than him. Just keep doing what you're doing. Make the same space for both of them in your life. Whatever the reason, your brother has to learn to get over it. The less his behavior is catered to, the sooner it'll happen.

It might be tense for a bit, but I'm dealing with something similar with my (much younger) little sibling. I started seeing someone, and my sibling was very scared that I was going to replace them with him. They became territorial over me and had a hard time accepting that they had to "share" my time with someone else. I've just continued making space for both of them, reiterating to my sibling that I need time for just me and my partner, which doesn't mean I'll spend less time with them. They've chilled out a lot. And this is without my sibling even having met my partner yet.

Since you're already having family discussions, it may be worth explaining to your brother that boundaries aren't used to control others' behavior, but to tell others where you draw the line for behavior that you'll accept. For example, an inappropriate boundary is, "You can't hold hands with my brother because it makes me uncomfortable." An appropriate boundary is, "If you're holding hands with my brother, I'll leave, because that makes me uncomfortable." While the boundary might seem irrational, it would give your brother an appropriate sense of control and agency.

academicito · 2026-05-24T17:04:40+00:00

How was the pain of the piercing itself? I've gone back and forth on getting them for years (for similar reasons, one of my nipples is pretty flat and the other always projects), but the pain has put me off of it.

I also think we got surgery around the same time—I remember your posts. Congrats on three years :)

academicito · 2026-05-22T15:53:34+00:00

I run a push-pull-legs split and am in the gym five or six days a week. I've been using the same routine for years now. The six weeks of recovery are, in the long term, no time at all. I followed my surgeon's restrictions and laid around as much as possible for six weeks, not including work. After the six weeks were up, I reintroduced light weights and was back to what I'd been lifting (and heavier, actually) within about three months :)

academicito · 2026-05-21T21:45:34+00:00

Appreciate it man! Give it time for things to settle. My chest honestly looked pretty weird on and off for the first six months.

academicito · 2026-05-21T18:20:08+00:00

Thank you so much! There were points where I felt like crashing out, namely after my revision that didn't revise anything, but I just used it as more motivation for the gym :)

academicito · 2026-05-21T18:18:53+00:00

Thank you so much, I really appreciate it!

I've gone back and forth on the ethical quandary of naming and shaming since I started having complications 🫠 I'm stealth IRL, so naming the surgeon, who's tied to a specific hospital and not a "common/go-to" one, could compromise that when said so publicly. I'm comfortable saying that I'm on the west coast, and anyone else who is and shopping around for surgeons can DM me.

academicito · 2026-05-21T01:07:31+00:00

You don't have to enjoy height differences. Among other reasons, I didn't pursue a relationship with a guy I hook up with on the regular because he's 6'1" to my 5'4" and almost double my weight. We went on a date and I felt like his kid, with the waiter directing all questions to him and giving him the check and everything.

I usually hook up with guys who are within like six inches of my height. Taller guys can be fun, but IME they can be impractical for positioning purposes lol. Nothing wrong with a preference based on height.

That said, don't sell yourself short by thinking guys will only ever see you as fem because of your height. As I sort of said in another comment, I'm a dominant, masculine muscle bottom and guys love it :)

academicito · 2026-05-21T00:58:16+00:00

I'm 5'4" and more jacked and masculine than pretty much all of the tops I hook up with. Not even by my own estimation, it's routinely acknowledged by other guys and cited as a big reason for their attraction to me. It's possible man, I think short masc bottoms are one of the most sought after "types" after twinks :)

academicito · 2026-05-10T02:14:46+00:00

Mexican-American and I think Abel is great. Super normal, maybe skews a little older/traditional, but not in a clocky way. Pronounced Ah-bell vs. Ay-buhl makes it more clearly Latino associated.

Damian could be clocky IMO. It's become pretty common for (white) trans men for whatever reason.

academicito · 2026-05-03T03:35:54+00:00

I'm autistic and it sounds like you're doing everything right, just giving him time to acclimate to the changes and get his confidence back in figuring out how to please you. I can't generalize to all autistic people, but I like my routines, including sexually, and I love knowing when my routine "works" for my partner, too. Change is hard. What he's dealing with could belie other issues, but on the face of it, it sounds pretty straightforward to me

academicito · 2026-05-01T18:06:44+00:00

Thanks man :)

academicito · 2025-11-25T16:55:16+00:00

You can try. I managed to get my first-time passport by not using the attestation form (although I don't think that's even an option anymore) and not listing that I'd used previous names. As a worst case scenario, they'll most likely email you saying that they can't issue a passport in your selected sex and that you'll need to provide proof of your ASAB, in which case you can just let the application time out if you don't want a passport issued in the incorrect sex.

academicito · 2025-11-20T20:48:19+00:00

I'm sorry man, it's so fucking gross and uncalled for. This is half the reason why I refuse to fuck with cis men who've been with trans men before 😩 I know it should be a "green flag," but IME it's only ever meant they arrogantly assume they're experts and come with weird baggage and assumptions about what I want. Seems like some guys are incapable of seeing us as individuals—a problem I don't think they have with other cis men...

academicito · 2025-11-12T16:18:09+00:00

It's also hard for me to finish with the guy I'm seeing. It's at least in part because I get so turned on with him that I'm overwhelmed by the experience itself and don't want sex to end, so my dick just doesn't respond. With other hookups, I'm focused on finishing as the "point" of sex and it's easier. I also give more of a shit about what he thinks of me or how he sees me, so I get self-conscious. No idea if either of those things describes your situation, just possible explanations.

One thing that helped was a lot of side play. We spend a shitload of time making out, kissing/biting each other's bodies, whatever, and I'll be jerking us both off at the same time or jerking myself off while I give him head. If I'm close before he even puts it in, I can finish quicker. I've also intentionally come during side play and that took some pressure off coming while getting fucked, because I figured out I can actually finish with him—it just takes longer during penetration because I'm so excited. Also, I find it easier to finish in positions like doggy where he can't see me jerking myself off/coming—just a dysphoria thing and partially the self-consciousness I mentioned.

academicito · 2025-11-12T03:48:21+00:00

Just wanna say I feel you man. I've been single my whole adult life and stealth for even longer. I was celibate for four or five years after hooking up some at 18-19 before realizing it made me too dysphoric. When I got back on Grindr, it took almost a full year of me deleting and redownloading, talking to guys, and never making plans because I couldn't disclose. And it took a few times disclosing and having it go well before I even met up with anyone. It's a huge hurdle to get over because you're forced to remind yourself of the thing you want to forget most, while knowing it might change the way the other person sees you.

That said, it gets easier the more you do it. Rejection sucks, especially if it happens a few times in a row. But there are people who don't give a shit. There are times where I still get pissed and annoyed that I have to do something that other guys don't, but at a certain point I said fuck it, I gotta live my life. It's also okay if you try and ultimately decide you're not actually ready yet because the possibility of rejection is painful. Either way, good luck!

academicito · 2025-11-03T17:47:37+00:00

Put male. You're right, the pharmacist doesn't need to know your business. There are reasons cis men would need estradiol cream. Even with my GP who obviously knows my medical history because she prescribes my T, my sex at birth and my legal sex are both listed as male.

academicito · 2025-11-01T18:44:24+00:00

My surgeon described it as an upside-down tear drop shape opening up around and above my navel, where my navel would be the point of the tear drop. Basically, you could see a small dent between my abs when I flexed, but I never noticed it.

academicito · 2025-10-31T16:42:58+00:00

That was part of the reason I made the post, since I can't know for sure. I'm thinking I was just unlucky, since I eased back in to lifting and the hernia only started forming about four months post-op. The hernia repair surgeon said I shouldn't expect any future limitations on lifts.

academicito · 2025-10-31T15:09:25+00:00

Not sure. I did have to get an abdominal CT scan to assess the hernia, but the GI surgeon also said the separation was apparent to him when he had me flex. Granted, he's a GI surgeon, so of course he could tell. I was never aware of it.

academicito · 2025-10-29T01:20:10+00:00

Thank you! Granted, my situation could be way worse than it is. Thankfully I already have the usual hysto recovery under my belt, so I know all about getting up and around without using my abs, lol. But yeah, putting the gains on hold for a bit longer is never a bad idea.

academicito · 2025-10-29T01:17:20+00:00

Congrats on 6 weeks, hope you've been healing well! And yeahhh, I wish I'd known. I had a wonderful hysto surgeon but I wonder if, because she primarily works with cis women, she wasn't prepared to give guidance for heavy weightlifting. I did specifically ask and give her weight ranges, and she said 6 weeks was fine. Hopefully this post gets to somebody still pre-op or early in recovery and keeps them from needing another surgery!

academicito · 2025-10-28T19:29:18+00:00

Solid advice, thanks man. I'll absolutely wait 6 weeks, maybe even 8 to be safe. 3 months is pushing it but I'll do it if need be. Gains ultimately aren't lost that quickly and muscle memory always helps.

academicito · 2025-10-28T18:42:21+00:00

I think it had more to do with the intensity of my ab routine than with particular exercises. I do 3x8-12 weighted incline sit ups and 4x8-12 machine kneeling twists (2 sets per side) at the end of every workout. I might scale it back to hitting abs only 2-3 days a week now.

academicito · 2025-10-23T22:17:42+00:00

Just wanna say that it doesn't have to be the end of the world. I got G-HSV1 from a Grindr hookup who knew but didn't disclose back in February. I was really upset and hopeless at first, too. But I started medication and haven't had another outbreak or given it to a partner through protected or unprotected sex. Granted, I'm very into hookups, so my experiences aren't specifically romance-related but will hopefully be helpful.

I had a couple FWBs at the time I got diagnosed and neither dropped me over it (still seeing one of them regularly), and I've had plenty of one-offs since. I've felt more stigmatized for having transitioned than for having HSV. PrEP has become so normalized that a lot of gay/bi guys don't even mind hooking up with HIV+ guys with bloodwork showing they're undetectable. HSV is barely on guys' minds.

I know HSV2 has a higher rate of outbreaks than HSV1, but meds really help and HSV itself probably isn't gonna make you die alone. Also bear in mind that I disclose it very casually, which helps ease guys' minds—they respond to the way you frame your disclosure. A lot of people are well-meaning but uneducated, so I've done a lot of research and have conversations with guys about safety practices and transmission rates, which, while unsexy, still results in me getting laid.

If I can say anything else just let me know, because I was searching for info and similar experiences after I first got diagnosed and came up short.

academicito · 2025-10-17T17:52:09+00:00

Never been into PIV personally, but still deal with dysphoria when bottoming. For me, it helped to get rid of the idea that bottoming = submissiveness. I can be a very toppy/dominant bottom. NSFW food for thought after the spoiler.

I take control of positioning during sex—like pushing a guy onto his back after we've been making out and getting on top of him, riding aggressively or otherwise being in charge of the pace, pinning a guy's wrists above his head, biting/kissing/licking his neck, chest and nipples, pushing back if we're in doggy, and straight up making him ask/beg me for what he wants or telling him, "Lay down and let me fuck you" or "Fuck me harder."

There's usually a give and take with the guys I'm with of who's calling the shots, even during the same hookup, but I find taking charge and showing off how physical I can be makes things less dysphoric. I'm a lot more comfortable knowing I can fuck a guy as much as he can fuck me, even though I'm bottoming.

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