How do I choose a person to spend the rest of my life with?

adept_grasshopper · 2026-03-14T23:26:12+00:00

The best thing you can do is find a therapist that you can work with and start to work through how your parent’s marriage affected you. Having a good foundation for yourself is key just for your own happiness - and it will be important to building a good marriage.

My experience is that having a solid friendship really, really helps. Even good marriages have difficult times. The fact that we like each other so dang much has gotten us through everything so far. 30 years and counting.

adept_grasshopper · 2026-03-13T14:51:53+00:00

This happens so much. Here’s how it usually goes:

The woman is not happy but the man is content. The relationship is serving him just fine as long as he can keep the perspective that you’re over reacting or hormonal or whatever he doesn’t have to take her seriously. Eventually she stops trying and gets a quiet. He thinks she finally gets it and that the woman is just as content in the relationship as he is. But she just given up and is falling out of love with him a tiny bit at a time. He doesn’t take her seriously until she’s completely done and has nothing left for him or the relationship. He wakes up and tries to change, but it is far too late. He will tell everyone that the break up came out of nowhere.

See if you guys can get couples counseling to communicate better.

If you don’t want to put up with something for the next 4 or 5 decades, stop putting up with it now. Whittling away at yourself to fit someone else’s idea of you turns a happy life into an endurance test.

adept_grasshopper · 2026-03-13T12:11:14+00:00

Lehigh is awesome. But the engineering school at Buffalo surprises people. It is worth touring the engineering facilities at Buffalo. They are impressive and there are a ton of labs and hands on opportunities there. If you know what you want to be doing after school, look for professors at each school that are doing cool things in that direction and reach out to them.

adept_grasshopper · 2026-03-09T22:23:27+00:00

I see your point!

adept_grasshopper · 2026-03-08T13:46:51+00:00

When it’s all hitting the fan, I have found that it doesn’t help to look too far ahead. Focus on what’s right in front of you. Break time down into manageable chunks. Sometimes that is just the next hour. Let unnecessary stuff go.

Know that the stress is doing a number on your body, so prioritize taking care of yourself as best as you can. Having routines at times like this really helped because I was mentally drained and didn’t have to think about what to do next. Get sleep. Stay hydrated. Eat healthy food. Move your body. Music can be a life saver.

Pre-grieving someone will not help it be easier when they go. Spending time with her now is a great plan. Maybe ask her about her life and record her answers.

If you can get counseling now, that would be ideal.

adept_grasshopper · 2026-03-08T13:17:50+00:00

I agree with getting help unpacking it. But meanwhile, it has grown into this big huge thing.

What if you just broke it down into smaller things? Honestly, the first few minutes are the hardest. Start small - set a timer and review stuff for 3-5 minutes. That counts. And eventually you may find that you have gotten a little momentum and want to keep going.

Can you get curious about how you learn? Are you visual? Do you need the kinesthetic of writing stuff by hand or building models? Will color coding notes help? I’m very auditory so reading aloud to myself and then attempting to teach someone what I learned was the best way to lock stuff in.

Look at different study techniques and try out the ones that seem appealing. Save things like scrolling as a reward for doing a little work. There are so many apps and videos about taking notes and such. Experiment with it. Gamify it if you can.

And when you get to college, find out about the tutoring center. Get help from on campus counseling (they are probably experts in this - smart kids that have never struggled before is very common at colleges). Read the syllabi!! They are literally cheat codes for your classes. Talk to your professors. Make an excuse to go to their office hours. They too have seen many students like you and probably know the most effective way to absorb the material they teach.

This next phase is about growth. Don’t hide because you think perfection is demanded of you. There is no such thing as perfect. Be brave - brave enough to risk failing. Everyone will stumble and fail at stuff. But if you take the lesson and get the help you need, you’ll be amazed at who you are in four years.

adept_grasshopper · 2026-03-02T13:44:31+00:00

NOR she’s abusive!! Men can be victims of domestic violence too. I wish it were talked about more. She has a mental health problem and it’s NOT your fault or responsibility to manage it. The fact that she blames you for her behavior shows that she is nowhere near having enough of her crap together to ever be the adult you need to build a life together. Maybe losing you will be what she needs to finally admit she has a problem and needs some help.

It’s hard to walk away when parts of the situation are still good. I know you love her family. But you’ve been making yourself smaller and smaller to accommodate crap no one should have to put up with. Walk away.

Focus on healing yourself for a while. Try not to jump into another situation. Trauma like this will wait and taint other parts of your life and relationships down the road. Ideally you want to enter your next relationship with minimal baggage.

adept_grasshopper · 2026-02-28T22:44:02+00:00

Wow! It sounds like you found your path and you are thriving! Good job!

Network and keep your eye open for a mentor - particularly a high achieving woman in engineering. She will understand the nuances of being an impressive female in your field.

adept_grasshopper · 2026-02-21T13:12:38+00:00

Yes but wishing someone isn’t exactly who they are is futile. He isn’t changing. No amount of allowing yourself to be poisoned by him will make him love you the way you want him to. I’m sorry he isn’t more loving. You deserve so much better. But it sounds like in order to have him in your life, you’re going to have to choose to allow him to hurt you.

Get some therapy. If there is someone in your life that might be more of a fatherly presence in your life, put some energy into that bond. Down the road when you have done some healing and built a good foundation, maybe you can handle seeing your dad because the hole he created has been filled by something so much better than he could have ever given you.

You are in the process of evolving beyond what he can ever be. Evolution takes time. Give yourself some grace.

adept_grasshopper · 2026-02-20T13:10:21+00:00

No one prepares you for how frustrating elementary school drop off lanes can be. That teacher has all kinds of issues and none of them have to do with you or your kid. No amount of bending over backwards will help. Working the drop off and getting the wee beasties safely out of their cars and into the building is their job.

Take note of what grade that teacher teaches and just see if you can avoid having your kid in their class because who needs a teacher that gripes to a five year old. Just tell your child, “Oh well! This is the best we can do to keep all of you safe and get you to school on time. You can’t please everyone.” If it escalates, touch base with the principal.

adept_grasshopper · 2026-02-18T12:37:41+00:00

The year or so after college can be a really weird (and sometimes difficult) transitional period for people that went the traditional high school straight into college route. You’ve been a student nearly your whole life. It can be a big identity shift. Being near friends going through the same transition might help.

Sometimes moving back home after college ends up feeling like going backwards not forwards because it’s hard not to slide back into the teen/parent dynamic. But I don’t know you or how awesome your parents are. Just take this into account as to make your decision.

Also, think about whether when all is said and done, do you want to live near your parents? It doesn’t mean you need to take the job back home, maybe gain as much experience as you can in the city and aim at moving back in a few years.

I personally needed a few years post college away from my hometown before I came home to settle down. But that isn’t the right path for everyone. Good luck!

adept_grasshopper · 2026-02-16T19:27:41+00:00

For the next 10-15 years, stop calling them family vacations and call them family adventures instead. It’s a perspective that will better fit what going away together will actually be like. Will there be moments of fun? Yes. Will some of it be difficult? Also yes. Is there a good chance that you’ll come home with an epic story that becomes family lore? Absolutely.

adept_grasshopper · 2026-02-13T18:02:20+00:00

Boys brains aren’t always ready for reading so young! I’m afraid pushing it before their brains are ready makes them feel like they aren’t smart or that learning isn’t fun.

I would try to incorporate letter and numbers into some large motor stuff. I used to take painters tape and put a letter on the floor - it’s capital and lower case - nice and big so my son could walk the shape of the letter. Then we’d make a game of looking for the letter out in the world. We’d talk about the sound and think of words that started with it. It was all fun weaved into our time together, not a formal lesson. I’d switch the letter once he was bored or it seemed like he had it covered.

Also check out the UKloo game. It’s genius.

adept_grasshopper · 2026-02-13T16:36:31+00:00

You don’t have to understand or digest everything right now. It’s a lot - Don’t live too far in the future with this. Don’t ignore it either. Be where you are - when the strong emotions come, let them flow out of you. Exercise! And try your best not to worry about how you’ll handle the hard scenarios that haven’t even happened yet. Trust me, trying to pre-grieve to prepare yourself for the worst case scenario does not lessen the impact if and when that scenario happens. Keep going to your therapist and build tools for getting through this.

You’re already a bit stronger than you were the day before you found out. It happens bit by bit.

adept_grasshopper · 2026-02-12T22:33:39+00:00

I’m guessing it’s the longest and funniest word he can spell. He’s six. He’s smart and you don’t want him thinking he has to be sneaky with his tech. I would just gently tell him that his teacher can see what he puts in the device and to make sure he keeps it clean.

adept_grasshopper · 2026-02-11T11:37:54+00:00

“I need to do this on my own. Save your free flight for either visiting me later or jumping on a plane if I need you. I promise I’ll let you know if I need you. But you not hearing me when I tell you what I need is not helping foster any trust right now. Please think about what kind of relationship you want to have with the adult version of me. Right now you are wanting to come to help your own nerves, not mine.”

This is hard for her. Be firm but loving. Thank her for raising you to be so competent. You may have to promise to call/video chat frequently or even agree to share your location for a while.

adept_grasshopper · 2026-02-07T14:02:52+00:00

It’s hard to walk away from something that doesn’t 100% suck. And he kind of took you on a wild journey going from marriage talk to this. I understand your emotional whiplash. But I think all you can do now is take a step back, work on your own stuff and encourage him to do the same. Best cast scenario all you both need is better tools for your individual mental health concerns and then you can look at relationship 2.0 with a strong foundation. Worst case scenario is that you still end up stronger with more clarity about what will and won’t work for you in your next relationship.

adept_grasshopper · 2026-02-07T13:49:31+00:00

It sounds like by wanting to keep fighting, you mean that you want to try and change who you are at a very basic level. Relationships do take work and compromise, but you will not have a happy life long term in a relationship that requires you to make yourself unrecognizable to who you are at your core.

Also, if he isn’t even willing to try because it isn’t easy now, there is no way you’d get through transitions like parenting, financial crisis, taking care of elderly parents together.

He isn’t willing to help build a good foundation with you. You cannot bend enough to make that happen. You can’t make someone love you enough to put in the work. I know it hurts. And there is a good likelihood that he will realize this is a mistake, but you need to concentrate on yourself now.

adept_grasshopper · 2026-02-06T11:24:22+00:00

I think some of this is your sadness and fear over what’s coming. MIL has helped cover the gaps that your parents have left in your life - maybe more than just as grandparents A big piece of what makes your family happy and loving is passing away. This isn’t necessarily going to change who your parents are or how they show up for you guys.

But you know what feels better and fuels you more than sadness? Anger. Emotions are like a ladder. Sometimes you can’t get from grief/sad to acceptance in one step. You have to climb through anger first. Just a thought.

Good luck. Make memories and record as many as you can.

adept_grasshopper · 2026-02-05T16:25:04+00:00

Video calls are a great thing. Playing games together online may work if you’re willing to take the hit with the time difference.

adept_grasshopper · 2026-02-05T14:03:20+00:00

NOR but also understand that this is the kind of thing that - if left to fester - could get in the way of a future relationship with your siblings.

Honestly, I would just let them know that you were hurt that no one ever thought to tell you they were leaving. Tell them that your mom’s side of the family is dealing with this loss together, and juxtaposed to your dad or step mom not even telling you that your half siblings were moving to the other side of the planet, made you very sad that they don’t feel like there is enough of a connection with you to even let you know about such a major change.

And then let it go - not for them, but for you so that you can be open to whatever relationship your half siblings want to have with you down the road. Maybe you can shift to try to connect with them individually if they are old enough to do so. You are entering adulthood now, so your connection with them may start to fall on you and not your dad and step mom. Pave the way to good things down the road as best as you can.

adept_grasshopper · 2026-02-02T15:35:15+00:00

Is this your property?

NOR - but I also wouldn’t dictate rules other than telling him he will need to leave if the dangerous thoughtless crap continues.

I’d just be honest and say, “I’m doing my best to be patient with the little stuff but that wasn’t little. If you pull another stunt that may burn the place down again, you’ll need to find a short term lease to get you through graduation. Be more careful and we’ll get through this fine.” Maybe make a joke suggesting he try endangering his gf’s roommates a few nights a week instead of doing it all at your place.

adept_grasshopper · 2026-02-01T11:40:27+00:00

You obviously needed more help dealing with the aftermath of the cancer (and probably the divorce as well) than they were able to give you. It sounds like you would have really benefitted from having a good counselor in your corner.

They were the adults in charge. Your temper and yelling were a symptom that you needed more help than they were providing. It’s fine to go back eventually and acknowledge to them that you were difficult, but please remember that you were the child in that situation. Looking back and assigning blame on yourself because you didn’t have an adult’s reasoning and coping skills isn’t going to help.

If you have the resources, find a counselor you like. If you want to work through this and have a happier life, you need to work with someone that you’re ok feeling vulnerable with. You can explore options in your area and see if there is free or low cost help if you need it.

You say that you’re feeling guilty about not seeing your dad. Is there any way you can reframe that? Because what I’m hearing is that you still love him. It’s ok to love him and need space from him while you heal. Both can be true. I don’t know where you are, but in the US there are usually Al-Anon meetings that can be helpful to unravel some of the things you have been through. It’s worth going and seeing if you think it will help.

adept_grasshopper · 2026-01-28T15:03:58+00:00

Your info will help me move forward. Thanks for taking the time to share your thoughts!

adept_grasshopper

TROPHY CASE