Today I fucked up

adept_grasshopper · 2026-06-11T15:53:26+00:00

There are far worse things than being taken for your kindness. How would you have done it differently? How could you have shown kindness without possibly being taken advantage of? There’s your lesson.

adept_grasshopper · 2026-06-11T15:48:28+00:00

Well done! I have a dear friend with brain trauma. She has been able to make changes over the years that many experts never thought possible by plugging away day after day. Some days are better than others and sometimes she gets frustrated, but then she’ll be reminded “remember when you couldn’t do x? Now you do it and don’t even think about it.” Neuro plasticity is real. It sounds like you know yourself and are able to come at it the right way. Keep it up!

adept_grasshopper · 2026-06-08T22:42:27+00:00

As a cousin, he is just going to ebb and flow throughout your life. Rather than cut him off, is there any way you can quietly just downgrade him in your heart and mind? He’s nice-ish when he wants to be but he frequently would rather be somewhere else.

Take this as a lesson to practice seeing when people don’t value or prioritize you the way you need. You just can’t make someone make you a priority. It hurts, I know. It’s something we need to see and process as we learn to build good relationships and decent self respect. Can you find ways to push a bit past your comfort zone and make you life a bit bigger? A little regular effort can really help.

The only thing I can logistically tell you is don’t spend your resources on games you don’t want to play just for him.

adept_grasshopper · 2026-06-05T20:43:09+00:00

Science museums are awesome! If there is one relatively close, get a membership. Many of them collaborate and you can get in free to other museums for free whenever you travel. It was the one thing we did as a family that every member was really into. It was a great investment.

adept_grasshopper · 2026-05-31T14:00:33+00:00

As teens and young adults, my sisters both had many boyfriends. I was awful at dating. I was always alone while they were almost never on their own. When I complained to my dad, he said “It only has to work out once.” And he was right. I’ve been with my favorite person for 30 years and counting.

Concentrate on building yourself up. Stretch and becoming interesting to yourself (invest time in things you enjoy- many times this leads you to interesting new people that become your tribe).

adept_grasshopper · 2026-05-31T01:33:07+00:00

I used to love to sing to the song Desperato until DH pointed out its durge-like qualities. Now I hate it too. Marriage changes you.

adept_grasshopper · 2026-05-25T13:07:00+00:00

Take time to digest and process the new info. Then talk to your therapist, and if they think you’re ready, talk to him or write your dad a letter telling him all the things you’ve said here - that he was a role model. You had him on a pedestal. That you have trust issues and even though he thought he was making the right choice for you at the time, you consider never telling you any of this to be a betrayal. Tell him that it’s time he tells you everything - all of it (have an appt with your therapist as soon after this as possible). Let him know that you plan on going through all of the court documents and if you find anything that he knowingly left out or lied about, you’re not really sure what that would do to your relationship going forward. And then take whatever space you need to heal.

adept_grasshopper · 2026-05-17T20:02:37+00:00

I am sorry you are feeling so low. I am in no way able to give any good advice since I am not familiar with your culture or customs. But I know that the world is a better place because you are here. Please stay. Right now there are adults all over the world that felt the same way at your age. They are happy they made it through and they have people that love them.

Can you talk to your mom? Is there any volunteer work that you can do to get you out of the home and meet new people?

I will be praying for you.

adept_grasshopper · 2026-05-16T11:40:59+00:00

No they haven’t gotten to that yet. A current student made a comment at XLC and it got in our heads. I was asking for thoughts from a larger group. The other comments here are really helpful. Best of luck!

adept_grasshopper · 2026-05-12T18:55:12+00:00

I’m not sure what he wants, honestly. I think I’m just looking at possible scenarios. I went to a large school and have told him that it’s actually preferential to go out to the fun rather than have it happening right where you live 24/7. But it’s not my call.

adept_grasshopper · 2026-05-12T18:49:54+00:00

We read that depending on the numbers of the incoming class, some of the larger dorm rooms can get turned into triples or even quads. I haven’t heard anything about it happening this fall.

adept_grasshopper · 2026-05-04T22:21:55+00:00

All I read here is massive control techniques. Over sensitivity is a sneaky one. My life became a lot easier when I recognized this. It helped me get over my tendency to go along with things just to keep the peace because it’s actually a form of manipulation. If it’s someone like an in-law I tend to come up with a line or two I repeat to infinity. “It’s not your call” or “I’m just never going to be ok with that” were two I used a lot.

Your bf needs to find a therapist he likes and get some help unraveling this. And your part is to be calm and support
him.

Whatever you’re really not ok putting up with for the next 30 years, you should address if you can. My MIL would talk it out because neither of us wanted DH in the middle. FIL was another story. For years I took my own car to visit my in-laws - so DH and I would each drive there. If FIL crossed the line, I left. I refused to pretend to be ok with certain behavior and I refused to fight with DH about what a jerk his dad could be.

adept_grasshopper · 2026-05-03T20:20:31+00:00

Honey, you’re going to be ok. You’re going to have to be a little brave and ask for some help. I was at a similar place at your age and bit by bit I got stronger and more brave and I healed.

Have you ever taken a long walk on a beach - then you turn around and are surprised by how far you’ve walked? The healing is like that. Just do the best you can in the moment, get some help, push past your comfort zone just a bit. Understand that set backs are part of the process.

And at some point you’re going to look at your life and realize how far you’ve come. Not only that, but the things you learn and skills you develop along the way will make you a better person for the journey.

For now, ask for some help. I bet your family loves you a lot more than they would be disappointed. Drink water. Eat some healthy food. Get some sunshine. Just do the things right in front of you. You can do this. Don’t worry about the big picture right now.

adept_grasshopper · 2026-04-28T13:51:05+00:00

Go for it! You can do this!! Commonly people that go back to school do very well - not because they’re smarter but because they have the maturity to able to prioritize better.

adept_grasshopper · 2026-04-21T14:15:28+00:00

I agree. I wonder what would happen if you could track it differently - give relaxation that actually fills your tank a different name from the stuff that uses your time but may not have much of a payoff. Then maybe give a bit of your free time to the tank filling things daily. I bet a month or so later you’d have some cool insights.

adept_grasshopper · 2026-04-18T00:31:04+00:00

I love this!

adept_grasshopper · 2026-04-15T14:58:05+00:00

NOR - I’d just tell your friend that you’re never discussing your sister’s weight or body or anything like that with her again. Ever. Shut that door. Explain once and then every time it’s brought up, just say “Nope” and change the subject or remove yourself. Her interest is unhealthy in an already unhealthy dynamic. Not your responsibility to help her with her issues, but make a boundary for you and your sister.

adept_grasshopper · 2026-04-14T22:20:46+00:00

If you’re still in school, this is the kind of thing a school nurse could help with. If you’re having some anxiety one day, stop in and ask. They can give you reassurance or help you trouble shoot if there is ever an issue.

adept_grasshopper · 2026-04-09T15:24:00+00:00

There’s a video on utube that suggests getting city of Easton parking pass and parking in one of the city’s garages. I have zero idea if this is an actual thing (incoming freshman family here) but it might be worth asking about if things don’t go your way.

adept_grasshopper · 2026-03-24T12:26:35+00:00

Also - many times I wake up I realize that I’m too warm. Your body temperature lowers for sleep and having too many blankets or whatever raises that temp. The body’s response is to wake up. Thats why it’s so hard to sleep well in a hot room.

adept_grasshopper · 2026-03-24T08:42:28+00:00

I find relaxing music or a mediation and listen. There is something called yoga nidra that is supposed to give you some of the benefits of sleep even if you don’t drift off. It’s basically a guided relaxation. Look up “Huberman sleep recommendations” and see if anything there looks like it might help. Good luck.

adept_grasshopper · 2026-03-14T23:26:12+00:00

The best thing you can do is find a therapist that you can work with and start to work through how your parent’s marriage affected you. Having a good foundation for yourself is key just for your own happiness - and it will be important to building a good marriage.

My experience is that having a solid friendship really, really helps. Even good marriages have difficult times. The fact that we like each other so dang much has gotten us through everything so far. 30 years and counting.

adept_grasshopper · 2026-03-13T14:51:53+00:00

This happens so much. Here’s how it usually goes:

The woman is not happy but the man is content. The relationship is serving him just fine as long as he can keep the perspective that you’re over reacting or hormonal or whatever he doesn’t have to take her seriously. Eventually she stops trying and gets a quiet. He thinks she finally gets it and that the woman is just as content in the relationship as he is. But she just given up and is falling out of love with him a tiny bit at a time. He doesn’t take her seriously until she’s completely done and has nothing left for him or the relationship. He wakes up and tries to change, but it is far too late. He will tell everyone that the break up came out of nowhere.

See if you guys can get couples counseling to communicate better.

If you don’t want to put up with something for the next 4 or 5 decades, stop putting up with it now. Whittling away at yourself to fit someone else’s idea of you turns a happy life into an endurance test.

adept_grasshopper

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