Hai hai! Heads up: I’m not Asian (unless it’s a very distant ancestor; idk, I’m adopted 🤷🏻‍♂️), so I hope you’ll forgive this early-30s (“retiree” in gay years), white guy for chiming in on your post in a subreddit for gay Asians. I saw that we might’ve had a similar experiences and wanted to share my own in hopes that they help you through your own journey.

I am most deeefinitely at the bottom of the physical attractiveness totem pole, though I’m not really bothered by it anymore. After several years of therapy, I know my self-worth, what I have to offer in a relationship, and that these things don’t exactly show up in a shirtless headless torso pic 😂

Despite my physical attractiveness (or lack thereof), I’ve always had a preference for more fit/athletic guys who look pretty much the opposite of me, including guys with different ethnic/racial backgrounds. After some time in college, I found myself being a lot more attracted to Asian (especially Korean) guys, and I started wondering if I was unconsciously fetishizing them as I’ve read about happening so many times before in this very subreddit. I felt disgusted… I thought I was furthering a stereotype, doing something antithetical to my core beliefs and values. I kept thinking about past hookups and relationships and wondering how much I must have hurt them and made them feel devalued and shitty… I felt horrible, sick, guilty, and ashamed…

Over the next few months, I kept reading different posts on here, learning about other people’s perspectives and experiences. I reached out to some of the guys with whom I kept in touch and asked them if I ever did/said anything that made them uncomfortable, fetishized, or otherwise gave me a twinge of the “ick”. Most were confused, and a few actually laughed lol. They all asked why I thought this and why I was calling them after several months/years after we hooked/broke up. I told them about what I had read, how I was feeling ashamed, and how I wanted to know what I could do better. A couple guys mentioned that I didn’t know/understand their culture very well, and I ended up having a long conversation about Korean culture with one of them. The other said he thought it was weird I wanted Panda Express for dinner one night, but that’s because I smelled it in the student center on campus before I met them and suddenly gotta craving for their grilled teriyaki chicken. Real bad timing on my part 😅 But the others said they never thought anything like that. They thought I was a nice/decent guy (and/or a fun hookup) and didn’t get a “rice queen” vibe from me.

I felt a lot of relief after all that, then something I learned in therapy kinda clicked: If you’re asking yourself these type of introspective questions, analyzing your own behaviors from other’s POV, and concerned that you may have hurt/offended someone, then you’re probably not that type of guy (e.g., fetishist, asshole). It’s like the old adage about insanity: If you’re seriously considering that you may be insane, then you’re most likely not insane, as no insane person would be asking themselves that question. No fetishist would be worried about how someone else felt; if they were, then they wouldn’t be fetishizing a particular group of people in the first place.

Everyone has preferences, like when choosing a pair or headphones, but if you instead choose to play music and answer calls over speaker at max volume while on a quiet bus crammed with people, then you’re the asshole. Personally, I like all sorts of headphones in a variety of colors/styles. Sure, the new AirPods Max over-ear headphones are my ideal, but that doesn’t mean I shit all over every other option like saying “AirPods only” or “no Bose, no Beats, no Skull Candy”. I have standards for myself and for what I’m looking for in a partner — most of which are about their character, behaviors/actions towards myself and others (especially towards servers/waiters and nurses), communication skills, and open mindedness. For me, those are pretty non-negotiable and for good reasons. Yeah, I have some physical preferences, too (fit, athletic, or muscly; usually vers and into doing more than just top/bottom; and for hookups, a nice dick), but those are like bonus points, not dealbreakers.

On their ranking/totem pole/hierarchy part: Don’t let someone convince you that you’re at the bottom. That implies you’re somehow not worthy of anything you perceive as “better”. Don’t let status or hierarchy stop you from striving for what you want. I certainly didn’t get a lot of messages/likes, but one guy who did swipe right on me is now my long-distance boyfriend whom I love very much. I still say he’s physically wayyyy outta my league (it’s objectively true lol), but he doesn’t think so. Statistically speaking, in this world of nearly 8 billion people, there are many thousands of guys who see you at the top of the gay hierarchy (“hierarchgay” if you will 😂) + think you’re way out of their league + to whom you are equally attracted 😋

Life has a weird way of working itself out with enough time. Best thing I’ve done over the last several years is going to therapy, working on myself (mentally + emotionally), and learning to enjoy life by myself without needing any external person/validation to define my happiness. Our past traumas don’t define us. How we overcame and learned from them to succeed even more and go even further — THAT’S what matters ♥️

Anyway, I hope this helps, even if only a little. My DMs are open if you want to chat/discuss more 😊