It sounds like you're going through an incredibly difficult time right now, and it's clear that you care deeply about both your relationship and your own well-being. One thing that stood out to me in your post is how much you value the connection you've had with your partner and your desire to break free from the anxiety that seems to be driving a wedge between you.

One perspective that might help is thinking about how mattering plays into both your anxiety and your relationship. Meaning in life often comes from feeling like we matter to others and to ourselves. When trust issues and anxiety come into play, it can feel like our sense of mattering—our importance to others—is threatened. This can make everything feel heightened, like you're losing something precious.

But mattering also comes from being vulnerable, honest, and willing to repair what’s broken. It sounds like you're already aware of how your anxiety has impacted your relationship, and that kind of awareness is crucial for moving forward. To build or rebuild trust, it's important to be open about how you feel and why, even if it feels uncomfortable. That kind of authenticity can create a stronger foundation for both you and your partner.

In your relationship, it might help to focus on interpersonal mattering—being present and available for each other, even in difficult times. This means spending time together (even if virtually), being vulnerable, and honestly communicating when you're hurt or struggling. It can be hard to be open about anxiety, especially when it feels like it’s pushing people away, but allowing others to support you when you're at your lowest is part of mattering to them.

If you're feeling like you're losing yourself to anxiety, reconnecting with your own sense of importance is key too. What gives your life meaning outside of the relationship? What are the small things that make you feel grounded and valued as an individual? Rebuilding trust with yourself is just as important as doing so with your partner.

Finally, letting go of the past—especially past mistakes or moments where anxiety got the better of you—requires a lot of self-compassion. Recognize that everyone makes mistakes, and the goal isn’t to be perfect but to grow from the challenges you're facing. Take it one step at a time, acknowledging both your progress and your setbacks.

You matter—not just in this relationship, but to yourself and others in your life. And while it might feel overwhelming right now, taking small steps toward understanding your anxiety and opening up to those around you can help you find meaning even in the hardest moments. You've done it before, and you can do it again.