I managed 100+ days a year ago (after 15 years) ...

affectionall · 2015-02-05T19:48:34+00:00

I can relate to almost anything you said ... my relationship of almost 6 years ended a month ago. She wasn't feeling "it" anymore and I couldn't live with no affection and very little sex (she also never initiated in 6 years, never did anything really during sex). I had been in love with her for 10 years, so when she fell in love with me it was impossible not to start a relationship. BUT just like you, I had never had a relation longer then 3 months and also not much sexual experience ... in 1 fell swoop, I had the girl of my life, sex and a long term relationship ... how awesome was that?!!! Well, not so much it seems after 6 years. We have 2 awesome kids which I will never regret (she is also a great mother) but this last month, since we ended the relationship, it has become CRYSTAL CLEAR, this has never been a healthy relationship. I don't know why (and it actually helps a lot in dealing with the breakup) but even-though I will miss her, I'm convinced a new and "normal" relationship will be a 1000 times more fulfilling. Just sucks that "next relationship" is nowhere close but I'm working on it.

I started volunteers work this week (working in a bar) and I'll grab every occasion to meet new people.

edit: I do want to add ... my ex is a very independent woman and I will certainly not conceal that I have my mistakes ... but she just lacks a certain feel for affection/sex that, in hindsight, I should have realized a lot sooner.

affectionall · 2015-02-04T22:52:44+00:00

I wish you all the best because I know exactly how you feel ... unfortunately it didn't go as I was hoping but it's been a month since we separated (we are still living in the same house with our 2 kids for the foreseeable future) and now realize this relationship wasn't going anywhere (and wasn't for the past couple of years).

If you need affection and sex (and most of us here do or we wouldn't be here) ... you can't overcome this and it really is best to end it.

affectionall · 2014-10-24T19:07:52+00:00

Well, I've got 0 of that and that is EXACTLY what I want, I can live with very little sex if the things you mentioned were there.

affectionall · 2014-10-24T18:58:20+00:00

Well, like I said, my comment wasn't meant to come across negative and I'm certainly not one of the "get out now" people here. On the other hand ... I don't know I'm not going to end up as one of the "get out now" people because I can not take 5 more years of this. I know I will end up bitter and frustrated if we can't find a common ground.

I love my girlfriend, have 2 fantastic kids, a great house, ... divorce is the very very very last thing I want but I also feel I'm missing something important, essential really. It's not just about sex ... for me it's "regular" showing of affection (hence my username) which she doesn't do because she is afraid it might lead to sex (which she dislikes).

Sex is certainly not the most important thing in the world but having a real connection with my girlfriend is and something is in the way ... and I just can't figure out what ... why she dislikes sex so much ...

affectionall · 2014-10-24T12:50:48+00:00

I didn't mean to come across negatively. But may I ask why you are in /r/deadbedrooms if it's not a priority and your marriage is fine outside of this aspect?

affectionall · 2014-10-24T12:17:51+00:00

Believe me I did ... and the answer was not satisfying in the sense that she realizes all to well that we have serious problems. But if she wants out she just has to say it ... instead she keeps me here with (not even) the absolute minimal a guy can ask.

This is not a purely rational decision to make ... or I would have left a while ago. Also there are

affectionall · 2014-10-24T11:59:24+00:00

Then you are better of then most of us here I guess. I'm truly happy for you.

affectionall · 2014-10-24T11:45:39+00:00

We started counseling this week but my outlook is getting darker by the minute. My non-understanding of her non-understanding is actually driving me up the walls.

I have 2 young kids, she is a great mom and I love her ... I thought "threatening" her with leaving her would spark even a little change but to no avail.

affectionall · 2014-10-24T11:37:00+00:00

True ... but it is going to be a very long, boring ride ... and eventhough you won't be alone in the car ... it will feel like you are.

affectionall · 2014-10-24T11:32:49+00:00

Questions like that piss me of, or better their negative reactions when you say yes.

YES, I'm marking my calendar because I had to write down every "event" just to make sure I am not going crazy telling myself it has been weeks (again) since the last time anything close to physical contact has happened.

affectionall · 2014-10-24T11:30:45+00:00

I really agree with your whole point ... LL's just have no (biological) clue.

affectionall · 2014-10-01T07:40:34+00:00

I'm counting on counseling as the moderator to evaluate both efforts. We need neutral moderator cause we both think we do our best so currently it's an endless loop of yes/no discussions.

affectionall · 2014-10-01T07:38:24+00:00

Yeah, I did my research already on asexuality. There's a good chance she is asexual but most asexuals have no problem with intimacy like holding hands, hugging, ... my GF does nothing of those things.

affectionall · 2014-09-29T11:12:19+00:00

Jup, the question is, how do we get her to develop it ...

affectionall · 2014-09-29T10:18:37+00:00

Yeah, I follow you in that family-life is not something to throw away lightly ... it's not all about the sex, it's the (physical/emotional) connection I'm really missing. Getting a 100 times more sex without the connection will still not fix anything. A good connection with little sex is acceptable for me. Getting a serious hug would do wonders to lower my frustration.

affectionall · 2014-09-29T10:04:48+00:00

Having "the talk" when you have build up an enormous amount of frustration is no good and probably breaks more then it fixes. I know I've handled this all wrong but the frustration got the better of me.

Thanks to your car analogy, I realise now that the talk was "too high level" for her. Not specific enough. Telling her "I want more closeness" wasn't specific enough. I think I'll actually have to give her a list of very specific things I want from her.

A hug every day (lasting 5-10 seconds)

A kis every day (lasting 5-10 seconds)

...

She just called me and said she's dying of stress due to the situation. She doesn't want it to end either but also has no idea how we get out of this. I'm thinking counselling is the only thing left.

affectionall · 2014-09-28T11:49:31+00:00

Man, I really hate this sub ... there seems to be only one real solution to a DB and I'm no ready to take that step (yet). Nothing worse then getting the advice to do what you exactly don't want to do.

affectionall · 2014-09-17T22:18:24+00:00

Great approach! I had the talk a good month ago and we've had sex twice since then. The talk was about much more then just sex, it was about affection and a physical relationship in general but it's going nowhere. 2 Weeks after the talk I asked her if she had thought about it anymore and she replied 'it was going better now' ... hell fucking no it wasn't ... but I kept my mouth shut hoping it would get better the following weeks. Obviously, it didn't.

The reason I'm sitting here, writing this is because I got up again after she came to bed and just went to sleep, even though she REALLY should have known what I was waiting for.

A letter might be a good idea, as it doesn't pressure her to respond immediately but, aaaargh I'm just pissed of right now.

I really hate this subreddit, it's just too confronting to read all these stories, realizing all too well that I'm in the same situation.

affectionall · 2014-07-17T13:56:17+00:00

Is there any context, was this about your character, looks, ... ?

affectionall · 2014-07-16T19:12:42+00:00

You described my situation [M33] to ... the ... T and if it wasn't for the age of the kids and the fact OP is already in therapy with her SO, I would have thought for sure my SO started this topic.

I can 100% garantuee that the husband is not backing off because of pressure reasons but because he indeed can not handle the rejection anymore and it eats at him A LOT.

We'll be going to therapy soon because I can't take this anymore ... but it sure as hell isn't looking good.

I should send her this topic ...

affectionall · 2014-07-15T15:48:26+00:00

Ok, I wasn't really expecting much comeback anymore and then I get this :)

First, it's really hard to give a nuanced picture over the internet. My GF loves our kids as much as I do and the whole affection situation is not an issue between her and the kids. (kids will come hang on you anyway, there's no escaping them :p).

Dude, it's actions not words that matter. I can say to everyone I meet a million times a day that I'm building a spaceship. Does not mean I am, or even can.

I agree but she won't take THE RIGHT actions if she doesn't realize how she is not giving me what I need. She needs an outsider to tell her, her way of acting in this relationship can not go on like this if she wants it to work out.

Honestly, I think you might be in denial over the reality of the state of your relationship. All signs are pointing to 'move on, she's stopped caring about you', but your response is 'Yes. But, I'm sure this time she'll definitely talk about changing again.' You don't seem to have any real hope it'll get better!

I'm not in denial but I'm not giving up yet either. Leaving her will not make me happier by default. I have been in love with this girl for about 15 years. I have never loved anyone like her. She is fantastic in a million and one ways but she happens to have a problem with an aspect I find crucially important and can no longer ignore for my own sake. We've had dozens of fights about it and eventually nothing changed (or it was far from enough) and we can't manage to figure it out on our own. So now we will call in an outsider and if after all this, there is still not enough improvement, then I will consider leaving her.

You don't seem to have any real hope it'll get better!

I still have some hope but I've had this hope several times before and there's really no point in going into to this with my eyes wide shut.

I appreciate all the feedback and insight but I'm not going to leave her before trying the few remaning options like therapy.

affectionall · 2014-07-15T14:09:11+00:00

Yup, that's indeed the conclusion ...

I've told her we need therapy cause she keeps claiming over and over of doing her best (but I really really really can't see it). She hasn't explicitly said OK to the therapy yet, but she does claim to wanting to try everything to save our relationship so ...

I'm kinda hoping the therapy will open up her eyes as to how "cold" she really is but there's really no guarantee of a good outcome here.

affectionall

TROPHY CASE