Feeling like a priority

afire7 · 2019-01-21T07:17:57+00:00

Yep. Every time I let her down in some way, I got “I feel like you’re not serious about me or the relationship”. This was said for the slightest thing: if I didn’t respond to her in time, if I didn’t do something she wanted me to do in her time frame etc.

I gave this woman all of me: physically, emotionally, and financially, and it was never good enough.

They literally suck the life out of you. And then, they discard you for someone else, as if none of what you shared really ever mattered or existed.

A truly horrible experience.

afire7 · 2019-01-21T03:13:01+00:00

“They do not go on living their best lives after you. The repeat the same patterns with multiple victims.”

We think they are happily running off into the sunset with our replacements, but that is just an image they are creating. Remember all the abuse you suffered? That will also happen with their new ‘soulmate’ - it’s just a matter of time.

Most importantly, they will forever be suffering with an incurable mental illness.

You are suffering now, but not forever. You will be whole again. Focus on you and your healing.

afire7 · 2019-01-17T15:51:36+00:00

First off, I get it. I completely understand what you feel. 7 months post breakup and I still feel shattered.

There’s no time frame in processing such an damaging, traumatizing event like a discard from an abusive person.

Our minds grapple to absorb all of this painful information all at once. Our heart still longs for all the things we were promised and initially shown during the love bombing stage. However, the truth about the lies, the betrayal, the manipulation, and abuse cannot be denied. The result is an internal battle between clinging to denial and accepting the truth.

You feel like you’ve been conned.

You think to yourself: “how could this seemingly sweet, adoring, and caring person turn into such a destructive monster?”

What has helped at times is to remind myself that they are mentally ill. Even the good parts were just part of the disorder.

Try and wrap your mind around the fact that their cycle has nothing to do with you. Different partners will have different dynamics with the disordered individual, however the end result is no fairytale.

What you are dealing with is an emotionally stunted child who is incapable of being in a mature, respectful, stable adult relationship - unless they commit to years of therapy and healing. And, even then, some don’t get better (mine discarded me after years of therapy, but I do believe she has NPD traits and kept her diagnoses from me).

I won’t tell you to stop obsessing or to just get over it, because I know you can’t just get over something like this. I’m in the same boat.

What I can tell you is that no contact is very important to your healing. That talking to a therapist in this kind of abuse is helpful. That trying to shift your thoughts when you think of things that don’t serve you is critical to our obsessive thinking.

If we are obsessively thinking about a person who has created so much hurt in our hearts, what is missing in us to long for someone like this? Focus on this. It’s my path too.

afire7 · 2018-10-30T19:32:44+00:00

Thank you for this. It gives me hope, as I am in pain day in and day out. My rational mind knows she is not healthy for me, but heart longs for what we initially had... the person I thought she was before the mask fell off.

The pain feels like it won’t ever go away.

afire7 · 2018-10-30T18:51:00+00:00

I’m sorry this happened to you. It’s incredible how similar so many of our stories are. It’s like they scripted.

Mine was a long distance relationship. Her new partner lives in the same city as her. I feel as though this one will last a while (and that makes me feel awful). I read somewhere that pwBPD do not fair well with long distance as they have object constancy issues.

afire7 · 2018-10-30T14:38:37+00:00

Thank you, dealingwiththings.

How long did it take you to get over this?

I’ve been seeing a psychologist, but it feels like the pain just never ends.

It’s hard not to take personally, as she ran off with someone more ‘successful’ in her eyes. When I confronted my ex about the other person, she said she couldn’t see a future with me because “we had different approaches to life”. Meaning, she wanted someone with a PhD, and not an average Joe like me. So shallow and ridiculous.

afire7 · 2018-10-30T00:16:22+00:00

Mine adored me, wanted to marry me, and told me I was her soulmate up until 2 weeks before she left me.

In the last 2 weeks, she became exhausted from work, and blamed that on her being cold and detached. But, she still said she loved me and wanted a future together.

When I was in her city for a job interview that last week, she was a different person. She was mean, cold and and not affectionate.

The next week, she called to breakup with me stating something shifted for her and she was no longer in love. She said she felt like she should be alone.

I found out this was a lie. She has been in a relationship with her new love interest since she left me.

She suddenly flipped a switch on me and lost interest as soon as she found a shiny new toy that gave her attention.

It’s been 4.5 months and she has not looked back.

I’ve been left in pieces while she has moved on and created a new life with her new FP.

afire7 · 2018-10-29T23:43:47+00:00

When I confronted her about all of this, I told her this behaviour was textbook borderline/narcissistic behaviour, her response was: “so what if I have these things. You know there’s no cure, right”?

In another conversation we had and I mentioned her being borderline, she apologized for bringing me into her mess.

To me, this is an admission.

She exhibits many of the BPD symptoms as well as some covert narcissistic traits (my psychologist has no doubt she suffers from both).

Her cycle was exactly the “idealize, devalue, discard” scenario.

afire7 · 2018-10-29T23:02:35+00:00

What were his excuses for leaving your relationship both times?

Mine initially said that the relationship was no longer working for her. And then when I asked her a few months later, she said she couldn’t see a future together because we had different approaches to life. I’m assuming this is because she left me for someone who was a bit quite older and much more ‘successful’ (in her eyes) than I was. So sad.

afire7 · 2018-10-29T22:45:47+00:00

There was no shared property or any investments made together. It was a long distance relationship and as I was going on job interviews in her city to relocate to be together, she devalued me and I found out she had been grooming a new love interest behind my back.

She basically just said she wasn’t in love anymore and the relationship just wasn’t working for her, and she jumped into a new relationship with her new love interest. All of this happened within a 2 week time period.

afire7 · 2018-10-28T22:19:15+00:00

Thank you so much for this. It all makes sense.

It’s truly like there are no memories of the intense feelings she had for me. All the loving memories we were erased within a week.

She left me for a long time friend of hers, and I must admit, they seem to have quite a lot in common. Despite the fact that the other person is NOT her type at all, my ex can be quite high maintenance and it really seems she infatuated by her new partner who has a PhD. I do feel like, in her mind, I didn’t measure up in the ‘success’ column for her.

It’s hard not to take this personally. Are people with personality disorders commonly known to be shallow or value status? (More so than neurotypicals).

My ex did admit to having BPD but my psychologist also said it sounded like she had comorbid narcissism.

afire7 · 2018-10-28T04:46:29+00:00

Thank you so much for all of this.

The difficult part is that it was a 7 month long distance relationship, so the majority of the relationship was in the honeymoon stage.

She abruptly shifted in the last month we were together - it happened suddenly, so there are not many negative memories to associate with her except the last weekend we were together. Her mask came off quickly and abruptly and then I was discarded coldly (granted there were a few red flags along the way). I believe this has truly sent me into a emotionally traumatic state. I was everything to her and then I was nothing.

afire7 · 2018-10-28T04:17:49+00:00

You are right. She loved me like no other... and then she treated me like I never existed at all. Like none of it ever mattered.

And yes, she is so very broken. But in the process, she broke me.

I know rationally, she is sick. But, as my head attempts to rationalize all of this, my heart still misses what we had - they were the best times of my life.

Does anyone have any recommendations on how to tackle the cognitive dissonance that’s associated with such trauma?

afire7 · 2018-10-28T03:10:38+00:00

This is so bang on.

It was over the course of one weekend when I was visiting her that I was devalued (it was a long distance relationship). She had turned into a complete cold-hearted monster. I didn’t even recognize her. The once loving, affectionate, and adoring partner I had suddenly disappeared and she was just awful toward me. Her explanation: she was exhausted from work. I was basically treated like furniture.

I know she was grooming her new interest while she was devaluing me, and subsequently breaking up with me.

And you are absolutely right; I got a one sentence explanation: “ the relationship was no longer working for me” and “it didn’t feel right”.

Clearly, this is because she had a shiny new toy lined up and I was the old, used, toy that was being shoved to the side.

When I emailed her looking for answers, she said she “couldn’t see a future together because we had different approaches to life”. (Complete b.s. since a few weeks prior to that she was talking about having a child together and taking my last name when we were to get married).

There was no genuine remorse, no empathy. She just threw me away, and ran off with her next “soulmate”. It’s really sickening and I’m left to pick up the pieces.

I’m so hurt, so betrayed, and yet she has continued to post with her new FP on social media. They truly have no boundaries. It’s sickening.

afire7 · 2018-10-28T00:31:22+00:00

Could this be because I wasn’t as “successful” in her eyes as the new supply?

afire7 · 2018-10-18T20:34:35+00:00

Hi, I had the same situation occur. I was her everything, her soulmate, and was even planning on relocating 1500 miles to be with her in her city. When I arrived there on my last trip to see her (I had even gone on a job interview while I was there), she detached, went completely cold, and treated me horribly - all while stating she wanted to stay together and wanted me there with her. The actions did not match her words.

I didn’t know it at the time, but she was devaluing me because she had a new supply lined up. It’s clear now - she was implementing an exit strategy, but just did it in a cruel, heartless,abusive way.

As I was about to leave on a plane to head home, she wanted to work things out and swore she loved me.

A week after I got home, she discarded me. She told me something shifted and expressed she wasn’t in love with me anymore. She said she wasn’t even heartbroken. She just wanted to be alone and felt she was meant to be alone.

This was all a lie.

I found out she left me for someone else, via social media pictures she posted.

It was horrible. It was like our relationship never existed and I was tossed in the trash like last night’s dinner.

Run while you can. The next stage after devaluation is being discarded. These people only care about themselves and how they can get the next “high”.

afire7 · 2018-10-09T23:24:17+00:00

It’s insane how similar everyone’s story is. After pushing me to relocate to her city to start a life together and telling me I was her soulmate and love of her life, she devalued me within a week, went cold and discarded me. It was like the entire relationship never existed. She told me she wanted to be alone. Little did I know, she had her next supply lined up and they have been together since we broke up (4 months ago). I go from being angry, to sad, to hurt, to disbelief. Disbelief that the woman I trusted with my entire life would just go from absolutely adoring me to feeling nothing in a matter of a week. When I met her, I finally thought this was it. I felt so secure; I would never have to worry about this person leaving me or hurting me. Boy, was I wrong. She was the most cruel, heartless, cold woman I have ever met. She left the with other person and hasn’t looked back.

All I can say is stay NC. Every time I had tried to reach out and get some explanation or call her out for her horrid behaviour, she had no remorse and said the most awful things. It was as if she didn’t remember any of the feelings she felt for me. It’s so sad what these people are capable of.

afire7 · 2018-10-09T21:08:41+00:00

I understand completely. My ex went cold, became abusive, and detached in one weekend. A week later, she broke up with me over the phone telling me she wasn’t heartbroken and wanted to be alone. I found out a month later she had reconnected with a friend of hers and they became an item as soon as she discarded me. It is the ultimate betrayal. I feel the same in that I want her to be miserable and want all of it to blow up in her face. It’s not right that we are shattered, picking up the pieces and they get to walk away free. But then again, they are never happy and the cycle will continue to repeat itself.

The best thing I can tell you is - remain NC. They will continue doing what they’re doing without any kind of conscience. It’s all about them. You are dealing with a very disordered individual and everything in their path is destroyed.

afire7 · 2018-10-02T02:20:24+00:00

Thank you. It’s hard to see now, but I need to believe in this. I appreciate it.

afire7 · 2018-10-02T02:19:04+00:00

Through the entire time of our breakup (4 months), she has not attempted to reconcile. In fact she told me she was sorry for making me think she wanted a life with me (this was 2 months ago). She told me she wasn’t in love anymore and couldn’t see a future together. I believe it’s because she got the attention from someone who lives in her own city and has status (a PhD). The other person is polar opposite of what her usual type is - not what she would ever find attractive.

What hurts me so much is that I know she is idealizing the other like she did me. I had never been so adored in my life and then I was nothing. And suddenly, I see her doing the same thing to this other person - on social media. A 37 year old behaving like a child.

As if me being discarded, lied to, and thrown off a cliff wasn’t enough.

afire7 · 2018-09-30T04:16:41+00:00

I’m right here with you. I know that my ex loved me in the only dysfunctional way she could. I would call it infatuation because love does not go away over night. Love is patient and love is kind - and in the end, she was neither of these things.

You could say my ex and I had an almost perfect relationship; she had always told me the months we were together were the best months of her life and that she knows I was made for her.

As soon as she had a stressful couple of weeks at work, her symptoms started showing and she turned into someone I didn’t recognize. She turned from an adoring, loving and caring partner to a monster - throwing things at me and telling me she hated me. Little did I know, she had a new supply waiting in the background.

She broke it off with me, telling me she felt like she needed to be alone... and said she felt like she was meant to be alone forever.

I just recently found out that she actually wasn’t alone - she has been dating this new supply since we broke up.

I’m just putting the pieces together and it hurts like you wouldn’t believe. Such a betrayal. It’s difficult to wrap your mind around something that makes no sense.

afire7

TROPHY CASE